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Attempting to introduce my gf to femdom - 10/5/2007 10:26:53 PM

sleuthingsub

Posts: 68
Joined: 1/30/2007
Status: offline

My girlfriend is completely new to the world of bdsm and female dominance, but she is interested in learning. I'm not entirely too experienced myself, although I've done an extensive amount of reading. Does anyone have advice on ways in which I can gentley encourage her to embrace her dominant side? During some discussions she has told me that she doesn't feel comfortable hitting me and she's scared of hurting me. It's probably a common response, right? I also feel that she's not exactly sure of how to be in control.

Despite this, we've done some light bondage and temperature play (wax and ice). The wax play was her idea (i know it's dangerous, but it turned out alright). I'm trying to take it at her pace. What's funny is that she's immediately expressed an interest in edge activities like hot wax and fire play, but is reluctant to try something like spanking.

I've ordered a few "intro to female dominance and bdsm" books, which she expressed an interest in. However, they won't arrive for a month. If anyone has any advice to offer, I'd appreciate it.

-sleuthing

Post #: 1

RE: Attempting to introduce my gf to femdom - 10/5/2007 10:43:37 PM

MySweetSubmssive

Posts: 1139
Joined: 2/7/2006
From: Lehigh Valley, PA
Status: offline

The corollary to female dominance is male submission -- submission to her pleasure and wishes. While letting her know that hitting you is OK (I recall needing lots of feedback on this myself), realize that hitting you may not be her interest. I would suggest spending some time thinking about how you can please her. The point isn't to try to get her to do something (that sounds rather you-directed), but to give her the space and acceptance to explore this part of herself. For me, this type of awareness in a submissive is more important than a specific play activity.

In terms of online reading, I would highly recommend Akasha's "Good Girl's Guide to Female Dominantion."

Hot wax is edgy?

MSS

_____________________________

"Oh, James, you're such a cunning linguist."

--Miss Moneypenny

(in reply to sleuthingsub)

Post #: 2

RE: Attempting to introduce my gf to femdom - 10/5/2007 10:55:26 PM

SDFemDom4cuck

Posts: 2809
Joined: 5/23/2005
From: P'burgh PA
Status: offline

Try anything by Elise Sutton.
Dossie Easton/Catherine Listz's When Someone You Love is Kinky
Miller and Devon's Screw the Roses, SendMe the Thorns

or our own John Warren's The Loving Dominant

_____________________________

Ms Jo

She dealt her pretty words like Blades -
How glittering they shone -
And every One unbared a Nerve
Or wantoned with a Bone -

I want a sensitive man - one who'll cry when I hit him.

(in reply to sleuthingsub)

Post #: 3

RE: Attempting to introduce my gf to femdom - 10/5/2007 11:00:39 PM

sleuthingsub

Posts: 68
Joined: 1/30/2007
Status: offline

Thanks MySweetSubmissive,

I'll work on behaving in a more submissive manner, though I already have been. However, I'm not going to become a doormat. I've attempted to reassure her that hitting me is ok, and I've tried to stress that it's about what she enjoys. When I ask her for specific things she'd like to try, she tells me that she's not sure and needs to learn more.

I had come accross Akasha's writings before. I just wasn't sure if the complete online guide was worth the membership fee to her site.

Hot wax done incorrectly can cause some pretty bad burns/scars. We did a lot of reading about it, and that's what the experts say.

Thanks for your help.

(in reply to MySweetSubmssive)

Post #: 4

RE: Attempting to introduce my gf to femdom - 10/5/2007 11:02:47 PM

HeavansKeeper

Posts: 1254
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline

You can't make anyone dominant. In my experience, nearly 75% of people are submissive.

Let's be fair and call it 50-50. There's a good chance she isn't naturally dominant. When I first met My Pet I was sort of a switch... Submission was a kink. We found out together that I was not submissive and she was not dominant. It's been a beautiful arrangement since, but that's not the issue.

What if she isn't dominant? Lots of vanilla couples are so great because "you share so many similarities." Perhaps you're both submissive. If that's the case, depending on openmindedness, you could find a female dominant to own you both...

Let's slow down. If she is dominant, it will take some time for her to develop that brand of trust. Her entire life has encouraged her to be submissive, most likely, so she'll need time to re-wire the mind. In addition, owning a human is a hard task. Make sure to keep communication open.

It seems like you're going to be the guide, and the submissive. Although it's not the stereotypical way, there's nothing wrong with it. Decide early on what you want. Do you want kinky sex? A BDSM lifestyle? A 24-7 lifestyle? Anything is ok, and you can always change, but make sure you're both on the same page.

A fine idea for enhancing her dominance is by deepening your submission. Beg for stuff, ask for permission, do your role well. In the beginning it may seem like you're forcing her to be the dominant, but if she has it in her, it'll stick and she'll feel comfortable with you taking submissive viewpoints.

THE ONE CAVEAT:
You can't force a submissive to be dominant. If it's not in the cards, it's not in the cards.

_____________________________

The Loving Owner of HisHeavan

... You've waited your whole life for this moment...

(in reply to sleuthingsub)

Post #: 5

RE: Attempting to introduce my gf to femdom - 10/5/2007 11:02:51 PM

sleuthingsub

Posts: 68
Joined: 1/30/2007
Status: offline

Elise Sutton is a little too extreme I think. I'm not into the female supremacy thing (the scientific claims she makes to support her opinions are hilarious though). I'll check out those others though.

(in reply to sleuthingsub)

Post #: 6

RE: Attempting to introduce my gf to femdom - 10/5/2007 11:09:05 PM

SDFemDom4cuck

Posts: 2809
Joined: 5/23/2005
From: P'burgh PA
Status: offline

As with anything whether it be Elise Sutton or anything else, you take what works for you from it and build on that. Since I'm really not clear on what it is you are looking for I'll also point you in the direction of googling "female led relationships" and poking about in what you find there.

I would agree with Heavan'sKeeper as well though that if she isn't Dominant by nature there's not alot you can do to force her into the mindset. It just doesn't work. While she may be able to play act the role for a limited time, eventually the fact that she's simply going through the motions to please you will become evident.

Regardless best of luck in your situation.

_____________________________

Ms Jo

She dealt her pretty words like Blades -
How glittering they shone -
And every One unbared a Nerve
Or wantoned with a Bone -

I want a sensitive man - one who'll cry when I hit him.

(in reply to sleuthingsub)

Post #: 7

RE: Attempting to introduce my gf to femdom - 10/5/2007 11:09:45 PM

sleuthingsub

Posts: 68
Joined: 1/30/2007
Status: offline

I guess I should clarify. I'm pretty sure she's a switch. But she's begun to enjoy being in chrage more and more as I continue to behave submissively.

We're both young and in college; school comes first. Therefore, TPE, 24-7 are not options.

(in reply to sleuthingsub)

Post #: 8

RE: Attempting to introduce my gf to femdom - 10/6/2007 6:06:39 AM

undergroundsea

Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

You might try The Sexually Dominant Woman: A Workbook for Nervous Beginners by Lady Green.

Cheers,

Sea

(in reply to sleuthingsub)

Post #: 9

RE: Attempting to introduce my gf to femdom - 10/6/2007 6:40:03 AM

Lucylastic

Posts: 40310
Status: offline

Personally I got tuned into Akashas site about ten years ago ...actually both Akasha and Diana Vesta around the same time, and devoured everything I could.. I wasnt sure how to treat my sub.... so many of the dommes I had come across online before these ladies were prodommes (that is so NOT a flame against pro dommes, it just wasnt what I was looking for at least at the time) and so much more into humiliation than I could ever be...so green, so unsure of my abilities to being the kind of domme I was .... but it led me to look offline, for experience .......here I am ten years later, still reading and re reading, the books that have been mentioned, but I think the ones that really spoke to me were Claudia Varrins books
The Art of Sensual Female Dominance
&
Female Dominance: Rituals And Practices
I also found that collarme gave me insight into so many different kinds of female dominance and male submission from both sides of the flogger.

have fun and be "safe"
Lucy

_____________________________

(•_•)
<) )╯SUCH
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\(•_•)
( (> A NASTY
/ \

(•_•)
<) )> WOMAN
/ \

Duchess Of Dissent
Dont Hate Love

(in reply to undergroundsea)

Post #: 10

RE: Attempting to introduce my gf to femdom - 10/6/2007 7:00:39 AM

TNstepsout

Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline

If she is Dominant it might take a while for that light to come on and for her to feel it in a way that works for her. If she doesn't feel like hitting you, maybe hitting is not the thing that will turn on her Dominance. She will have to find the right mindset for her to make it work, otherwise she is just a body wielding a flogger.

I would concentrate more on those things about her that make you want to please her, make you want to kneel at her feet and make you want to see her as the object of your adoration. Make her YOUR Domme, not just A Domme. After all, that's what makes a D/s relationship so special, not the wax and floggers.

All I can say is that if the light does come on, you better be ready. She may decide she really does want you to obey and that nothing less will be tolerated. Would that be OK?

(in reply to Lucylastic)

Post #: 11

RE: Attempting to introduce my gf to femdom - 10/6/2007 10:31:24 AM

Aimtoplease101

Posts: 319
Joined: 2/8/2006
From: San Diego, California
Status: offline

I think, perhaps, the difficulty that you seem to be encountering is that you want her to do certain things to you because you enjoy them, even though it's not clear that she enjoys them. You want to be wary of falling into the trap of "topping from the bottom."

My advice would be to focus on things she likes, and embrace the submissiveness of finding and performing the things that please her. It may start with pretty common stuff. Cleaning her apartment for her, running errands, rubbing her feet at the end of the day. Be of service to her. If she has a dominant streak in her, you may trigger it with these type of activities. Sexually, if she enjoys it, focus on physically pleasing her-- massage, oral worship, etc.

If delivery of books is taking too long, suggest some of the on-line resources-- Ms. Jo mentioned Elise Sutton's website. Some of the Q&A columns and real life experiences have some interesting stuff in them, as do the role playing scenarios. There's lots of stuff available on the web that you don't have to wait for any longer than your DSL access time.

Good luck.

ATP

_____________________________

Pleasing you pleases me.

(in reply to sleuthingsub)

Post #: 12

RE: Attempting to introduce my gf to femdom - 10/6/2007 1:23:53 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

Another missive from oldladyland.... I was a dominant from way back, before there were all these books. It turned out that the things I was doing when I was a teenager were actually D/s, who knew! So, books are grand, but don't depend on them for everything. Many of them are so steeped in fantasy, it's hard to remember that folks still have to go to work and feed the kids. I do highly recommend Lady Green/Dossie Easton for practical REAL advice.

Are you interested in kinky play or a realtime relationship where she is the dominant? Those can be two utterly different things. My grandmother and mother are two women who had dominant relationships, but I am reasonably certain that kink was not involved. If you want her to be the boss, are you prepared to start repeating her orders without any nonsense? Which of you gets do decide if you are being sufficiently "submissive"?

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to Aimtoplease101)

Post #: 13

RE: Attempting to introduce my gf to femdom - 10/6/2007 1:35:41 PM

gregor2001us

Posts: 37
Joined: 1/28/2007
Status: offline

I was in the same boat at one time...a vanilla wife and I wanted her to be my Domme. I gradually introduced her to things that turned me on. Not a package deal, just piece by piece. We explored and found out what type of things we both enjoyed. Just like learning to make love.

Along the way I discovered Akasha's site. The advice there for nervous beginners is brilliant. Well worth the read.

Anyway, as we experimented, she found she really enjoyed things that had sounded like a trun off. She has found she really enjoys controling me. So this approach (basically Akasha's approach) worked well.

Bottom line, is I suggest exploring together. Let her find what she enjoys. Enjoy the journey, and do not get to hung up on the destination.

Cheers!

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 14

RE: Attempting to introduce my gf to femdom - 10/6/2007 1:55:47 PM

lateralist1

Posts: 886
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline

I have only one piece of advice stop trying to direct her and listen to her.
You don't need to read or to learn. If you are submissive to her then just be yourself.
If she is dominant she will be and if she isn't then there isn't anything that you can do.
Most people just aren't. They can't handle the responsibility.
Ask for her advice on everything and follow it even when you are terrified that what she tells you to do is wrong for you. D/s isn't about play unless she wants it to be.
If she is right for you then you will be happy. If you aren't then start thinking about why. If you want to change her then you are not submissive to her. Just one view of course.

(in reply to Aimtoplease101)

Post #: 15

RE: Attempting to introduce my gf to femdom - 10/6/2007 2:51:02 PM

AAkasha

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sleuthingsub

Thanks MySweetSubmissive,

I'll work on behaving in a more submissive manner, though I already have been. However, I'm not going to become a doormat. I've attempted to reassure her that hitting me is ok, and I've tried to stress that it's about what she enjoys. When I ask her for specific things she'd like to try, she tells me that she's not sure and needs to learn more.

I had come accross Akasha's writings before. I just wasn't sure if the complete online guide was worth the membership fee to her site.

Hot wax done incorrectly can cause some pretty bad burns/scars. We did a lot of reading about it, and that's what the experts say.

Thanks for your help.

I will email you on the other side with some information that I think might help. Most of all - remember that she needs to enjoy herself.

Akasha

_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to sleuthingsub)

Post #: 16

RE: Attempting to introduce my gf to femdom - 10/6/2007 3:23:28 PM

beeble

Posts: 799
Joined: 5/25/2005
From: UK
Status: offline

quote:

Aimtoplease101 wrote: Sexually, if she enjoys it, focus on physically pleasing her-- massage, oral worship, etc.

Only don't call it "oral worship" or she'll run a mile.

(in reply to Aimtoplease101)

Post #: 17

RE: Attempting to introduce my gf to femdom - 10/6/2007 3:40:10 PM

earthycouple

Posts: 4462
Joined: 2/19/2006
Status: offline

OP, I read through the thread and I still see very much....this is more about YOU than her. You say it's not, but then you still comment on what she does with YOU. What about what you do for HER? How bout you simply ask her what she wants to do then gather the research and present it to her. It sounds to me like you just want a spanking and she's not willing to give it. Back off and give her a break. If she wants it, it will come to her. You need to be patient.

_____________________________

D~

Seeking, searching, hoping, living, loving, jumping. So what's new with you?

(in reply to beeble)

Post #: 18

RE: Attempting to introduce my gf to femdom - 10/6/2007 8:32:25 PM

dominalisa

Posts: 129
Status: offline

you should think more about what you can do for her.

How can you serve Her - what are the ways?

Here are some suggestions:
-Make sure her home (or room) is clean and neat.
-Make sure her clothes are clean and neat.
-Prepare her favorite foods for her. (learn to cook if you don't know how)
-Prepare her bath if she likes baths.
-Rub her feet after she comes home.
-Offer her a massage every day
-Offer to do her manicure and pedicure. (learn to do it if you don't know how)
-Have her favorite music playing or find her favorite show or movie on
TV.
-Surprise her with flowers.
-Serve her coffee or her favorite drink as soon as she gets up in the morning.
-Breakfast in bed.
-Put her pleasure before your own.
-Communicate. Learn about her and her interests. Be interested in her and treat her like your Goddess.
-Submit. By this I mean, accept that she will ultimately determine how far and in what direction you go.
-Realize that just because you like spanking or some other fetish does not mean she will. Accept that.
-Spend less time on the internet and more time on being useful to her or learning new skills that could benefit her.
-Do not put expectations on her and try to get her to do what you want. Give her the benefits of your submission without expecting any domination in return. Let her feel what it is like to have her loving mate tend to her nails, draw her bath, cook her meals, brush her hair, all without any expectation. -Do not top from the bottom.
-Be loyal, truthful and patient. Especially loyal.

Mistress Lisa
"Ask not what your Goddess can do for you, ask yourself what you can do for your Goddess."

(in reply to earthycouple)

Post #: 19

RE: Attempting to introduce my gf to femdom - 10/7/2007 1:51:56 AM

HelenaTroy

Posts: 93
Joined: 8/20/2007
Status: offline

I classify myself as a newbie to the scene, as a Domina. However I feel I have been a dominant female all my life. At this current time I'm not really interested in wielding a flogger, but I'd be willing to try it. I'm open-minded, but it doesn't seem to be something that I'd get as much of an internal joy from. Seeing their submission and making them obey is enough for me. It pleases me :)

To the OP: I wouldn't try to go too fast with her. She may come to dread it if you push a femdom role on her too hard and too fast. I recall a past relationship where I was annoyed so often with requests/demands to *insert word or scenario here* that I began to cringe in disgust every time I even heard mention of the it!! To this day any mere mention of the *insert word or scenario here* makes me roll my eyes. You don't want her to start to feel that way about being dominant to you, so take it slowly and patiently. And definitely don't pull the whole guilt trip thing -- "If you love me, you'll do this for me". Because that, in my opinion, is trying to top from the bottom, in a manipulative and pathetic kind of way.

Helena

(*insert word or scenario here* done to protect my personal history privacy while still making my point)

< Message edited by HelenaTroy -- 10/7/2007 1:55:42 AM >

(in reply to TNstepsout)

Post #: 20

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