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Anger vs. Feeling Upset - 7/26/2005 5:32:20 PM   
fourpeas


Posts: 243
Joined: 5/6/2005
Status: offline 		How often does anger in submissives turn to feeling upset or frustrated...?

I sure know that when I feel angry it generally turns to feeling upset really, really quickly.



Hmmmmmm.....
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Anger vs. Feeling Upset - 7/26/2005 6:21:37 PM   
Mylee


Posts: 217
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		Oh my if I get angry, especially at my Master , I normally very quickly get upset and feel guilty that I felt anger towards Him.... I try very hard to let anger pass me by, since feeling guilty is always a thousand times worse for me then whatever got me angery at Him in the first place

...not sure that helps...

my'lee

(in reply to fourpeas)
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RE: Anger vs. Feeling Upset - 7/26/2005 6:34:21 PM   
softandshy


Posts: 297
Joined: 5/10/2005
Status: offline 		Do you get to express your anger fourpeas? i find that i can usually release the anger without much upset or frustration provided i can tell the Mistress, or whoever is involved, if a behavior or a situation made me feel angry. No, i wouldn't scream and stomp and carry on but it helps just to state it, put it out there, even if She doesn't agree with it, or see things my way. i also don't enjoy blisters enough to carry on.

_____________________________

Happy "Swamp Thing"

(in reply to Mylee)
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RE: Anger vs. Feeling Upset - 7/26/2005 8:02:41 PM   
RiotGirl


Posts: 3149
Status: offline 		i dont get angry.. i get upset.. and sad.. and THEN i get angry, distant, cold..

(in reply to softandshy)
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RE: Anger vs. Feeling Upset - 7/26/2005 9:09:44 PM   
mossy


Posts: 189
Joined: 2/21/2005
Status: offline 		i wasn't allowed to be upset with sir and i certainly was not allowed to be angry....Ever.....i should have realized.....something was wrong was that! IF my feelings were unjustified, and i was upset at him for being right and rubbing my nose in it lets say..That's a different story. Guilt would have been appropriate for that i feel. That did happen on occasion too. Yet to walk around, being told how inappropriate i was,,,as a slave to be angry!!! When the anger was in regard to being mistreated emotionally on a daily basis, sends shivers down my spine.~~~i felt terribly guilty, and upset,,,,i was hurting my "master",,,and that became more important to me, than my own feelings and the events that were really going on Once again "i had been diverted from the Truth" i really feel now that i was always being sent looking for acorns...so i would NOT see the sky... Then disciplined!!! for constantly "looking down."

So in answer to your question? i suppose it has a lot to do with, what is causing the upset, and how the Dominant deals with you being upset? Did you really do something wrong? Are you allowed to have your feelings or not? Is it permissable to show your negative emotions? Can you discuss them, and is being upset at your dominant allowed, or is anger allowed at all? Or has Your Domme'/Dominant told You that they are always right!!! No matter what??? Just curious....Has anyone one ever had that experience??????

_____________________________

~~inner peace & mental clarity~~

(in reply to RiotGirl)
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RE: Anger vs. Feeling Upset - 7/27/2005 8:00:49 AM   
Hissweetshiv


Posts: 200
Joined: 6/24/2005
Status: offline 		Rather than getting upset because i got angry, i get frustrated or upset and THEN i get angry. Master has actually made it an Order that i come to Him with my feelings, good or bad, so there's no bottling it up. In one way it's a good thing, since there's no holding a grudge and letting it fester, but in another way it's not so great, since there are things that get turned into a bigger deal than they really are. I'm easily frustrated but i also calm down fairly quickly, so if i can manage 5 minutes to myself i'm fine. If Master and i are curled up together when i get frustrated, however, He knows it. There was another thread that mentioned men's tendency to "fix-it" - this is Master to a "T" lol. I'll have to keep that in mind next time i'm talking something out.

(in reply to mossy)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Anger vs. Feeling Upset - 7/27/2005 8:13:33 AM   
arryshanna


Posts: 13
Joined: 7/22/2005
Status: offline 		If there is anger in a relationship (and it is frequent) there is something wrong with the relationship.

The idea that we as submissives and slaves must be door mats and not have feelings is veru old school.

I do believe that i must be able to say what i am upset about, i do try to do it in a way that shows the respect and love i have for my Master, but to not say something would be harmfull to the relationship because it would mean that there was a lack of trust.

may not help but it is an opinion
blessed be
arry
loving slave of Master Faibir

_____________________________

Love is always the answer, and frequently the question.
Approved by the Owner/Master of Arryshanna-Faibir

(in reply to fourpeas)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Anger vs. Feeling Upset - 7/27/2005 12:39:06 PM   
tinkJH


Posts: 180
Joined: 5/22/2005
Status: offline 		Anger I feel usually ends up with myself. Er, rather, I have the tendancy to over react. I will think something, get frusterated, then get mad, then get upset at what happen after finding out, and then get made at myself, then get upset again because I end up having done wrong.

Such as, over the weekend. Master and I had a session inerrupted by a small waking child. After failing to get him back to sleep twice - I ended up falling asleep in the boy's room and Master had gone to bed. Well, 2am and I crawled back in bed with Master. By 5am, the boy was up again and back I was in his room (Master was asleep so peacefully, I figured I'd let him take over the bed). So, 7am comes and everyone is up. Okay, turn on cartoons and set the kids up with them. Crawl back into bed with Master. Well, what my mind remembers - was as soon as I laid down, he got up without a word. Immediatly that was upsetting, not that he didnt say anything but that I didnt get a chance to greet him in the morning as I am supposed to. Okay. Well, I fell back asleep and woke up an hour later. Went into the living room where he was doing some stuff. Of course, he was busy so I said nothing. Well, then I figured he would say something once he was done with what he was doing - as I didnt want to interrupt. No. I started getting frusterated wondering what I had done wrong and why I was being ignored. I thought perhaps he was mad at me for what happen that night, for the boy waking up. So, after another twenty minutes, I did ask, he wasnt busy with what he was doing. He explained that he wasn't ignoring me and that he wasn't mad. Well, instantly I got upset. I was frustrated and went on and then began to argue with him on why he hadnt said anything to me all morning (having been up about 90 minutes) and he told me that just because he was busy and said nothing to me - didn't give me an excuse to not greet him as I am supposed to when I did get up this morning. He said when I laid down in bed, he was there with me for a half hour before he got up, that I was asleep (or rather in and out of sleep apparently). He said had gotten up while I was still sleeping because he was getting a surprise ready for me. Okay. Then, I felt like utter complete crap. So I asked permission to leave the room, (which I only do when we're talking or to clearify we are done in our conversation before walking away) went to the bedroom and cried for an hour. Got mad at myself over it, and then cried some more. Then, I composed myself, washed up, and the rest of the day was as it should have been.

(in reply to arryshanna)
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RE: Anger vs. Feeling Upset - 7/28/2005 8:32:02 AM   
Destinysskeins


Posts: 267
Joined: 7/1/2004
Status: offline 		Greetings,

*grins* Yes, most of the time i tend to become upset, frustrated or feel as though my feelings are hurt rather than become angry. I'm a sensitive and empathetic person (as i think most subbies/slaves are) and because of that it's pretty hard to make me angry at you. Making me frustrated or hurting my feelings on the other hand tends to be a much easier task. In addition, i've found that since i don't like to be angry at people (most especially my Master!) i tend to suppress those feelings of anger with in turn just makes me feel more upset and hurt. (is that a great cycle or what?! ) Add to that the fact that i have a tendency to clam up with feeling this way and you've managed to find a way to bring to wit's end even the most patient person in the world!

So....since obviously this approach will not work with my Master (nor anyone else with a fully developed brain!) i've had to work out a more manageable way of dealing with conflict.

To anyone with similar problems i would say the very first step is talk! Let the other person know why you are upset, what you are feeling, etc. In the context of a D/s relationship especially it's important to remember to do this in a respectful manner - don't yell, pout, stomp your feet, etc. Be open to hearing their end of the story - most of the time in my experience my Master did not anticipate that the particular action, incident, etc would have the effect it did on me. Be understanding of this - no one can fully anticipate how another will react or feel no matter how deep your bond or how longstanding your relationship has been.

For me it helps to have a bit of a catch phrase to start off with - since i tend to clam up and not want to talk it helps to have a bit of an ice breaker to get the ball rolling. Most of the time the most predominant feeling i have is that of disappointment.For example, Master said He expected to be home by 6:00 pm, He lost 2 hrs worth of time playing trackball in His friends' backyard and now it's 8:00 pm when He arrives home. Now, the kids and i have been waiting at home with them asking when He was going to arrive every 10 mins. (They do love Him to pieces ) This causes me to feel upset because of the continual quesitoning and disappointed that we're not spending the evening in the way that we'd planned. Sooo - when He arrives home, i need to remember to greet him properly no matter how upset i might be and to convey to Him that i'm upset using my most typical catch phrase of 'I'm disappointed'. We go on to discuss why i'm disappointed (kids' questioning, myself feeling lonely and missing Him, etc), His explanation for what happened and a hug and an apology for making His family wait 2 hrs for Him to arrive. Done properly this ends with both of us feeling better, a plan made for the future to help prevent similar occurrences and a still bright evening ahead of us because we've gotten things off our chest.

Hope this helps!

Well wishes & Blessed be

(in reply to fourpeas)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Anger vs. Feeling Upset - 7/28/2005 9:33:16 AM   
gentlesurrender


Posts: 99
Joined: 6/21/2005
Status: offline 		i would have to agree with you in some respects with their being a problem within the relationship, if anger is a constant feeling

with my first husband i never argued, never got really angry, fed-up, frustrated yes and sometimes upset, but these feelings always passed quickly

with my second husband it was completely different, he was constantly chipping away at my confidence and self-esteem until one day i snapped and my temper blew. I dont know who was more surprised him or me, then of course, he attacked my submissiveness because i had lost it with him. Needless to say we ended up in many torrid angry, hurtful arguments all the time. It really was a destructive relationship in many ways. After 8 months of marriage i said enough was enough and we parted company.

Thankfully i am back to the person i was before, yes i get worked up about things sometimes but just as being upset about something it soon subsides.

Life is a moving constant animal, we have our ups and downs, we have moods and emotions to deal with, no-one is ever completely constant. People and things irritate and annoy, or bring joy and happiness. Its more learning to deal with your feelings given the reason and what is impacting those feelings. If like my 2nd hubs, you have something or someone that is causing constant negative impact then i believe that needs to be sorted out to gain a better equilibrium.

_____________________________

We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy" Walter Anderson

(in reply to arryshanna)
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RE: Anger vs. Feeling Upset - 7/28/2005 3:15:49 PM   
teapaw


Posts: 97
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RiotGirl

i dont get angry.. i get upset.. and sad.. and THEN i get angry, distant, cold..



I agree, so do I. I will get upset or hurt. THen sad than angry distant and cold. Sometimes talking will help sometimes it doesnt .....sometimes I get get through it sometimes I just try to forget about it .....depends on how important the issue was in the first place.

my 2 cents...
pamela

_____________________________

"get a taste of reiligion ...lick a witch"

(in reply to RiotGirl)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Anger vs. Feeling Upset - 7/29/2005 12:05:31 PM   
zaynab


Posts: 377
Joined: 6/20/2005
Status: offline 		"How often does anger in submissives turn to feeling upset or frustrated...?"

Not sure I understand the question...
if something is happening that would make me mad and does not improve or cease, in spite of my efforts to correct it, on this venue, here is how it is for me, in this order....

I get.... annoyed...irritated...frustrated...attitudinal...mad...angry...upset...pissed off...hateful.

I rarely get to the attitudinal level, and it's a real miracle if I ever get actually 'mad'. I've only been mad about 3 times in the past 8 years. I think this is from being emotionally numb to some degree, dissociated to some degree, hopefully more mature as the years rolled on, burnout from life itself and heck, just from getting old.

However, there is one man who has managed to zip me all the way up to the 'hateful' level and has me stuck there for eternity, regarding him... #2 from my ex-husband collection.

< Message edited by zaynab -- 7/29/2005 12:15:11 PM >

_____________________________

zaynab[DM]
quote:

i used to care... but now i take a pill for that

(in reply to fourpeas)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Anger vs. Feeling Upset - 7/30/2005 7:26:33 PM   
SweetSerendipity


Posts: 46
Joined: 6/6/2005
Status: offline 		I also have a Master who expects me to relate my feelings to him. When I get upset - usually hurt feelings or feeling I am being treated too harshly, we discuss it. Usually the discussion ends up with me having a better understanding of his reaction and why I earned/deserved it. On the rare occasions that I did NOT over-react he admitted his fault and immediately made sure I was feeling better.

Sweet Serendipity

(in reply to Hissweetshiv)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Anger vs. Feeling Upset - 7/31/2005 1:01:20 AM   
subD4master


Posts: 8
Joined: 7/31/2005
Status: offline 		When I get angery at my Master I usually end up upset and frustrated. I have to watch how I speack to my Master do to getting punished. I end up frustrated cause I can"t explain my anger to my Master as to why I'm upset with him. I just end up hanging up the phone and letting go my anger by cursing him out. My Master doesnt seem to understand at times how I feel about certain things. My master needs to understand that My feeling as a slave are diffent than his.

(in reply to fourpeas)
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RE: Anger vs. Feeling Upset - 7/31/2005 10:42:43 AM   
tinkJH


Posts: 180
Joined: 5/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subD4master

When I get angery at my Master I usually end up upset and frustrated. I have to watch how I speack to my Master do to getting punished. I end up frustrated cause I can"t explain my anger to my Master as to why I'm upset with him. I just end up hanging up the phone and letting go my anger by cursing him out. My Master doesnt seem to understand at times how I feel about certain things. My master needs to understand that My feeling as a slave are diffent than his.


None of that.. sounds like a good thing.

_____________________________

"I know you didn't bring me out here to drown,
so why am I ten feet under and upside down..? " (Lifehouse ~ Storm)


~the everyday rantings of a still learning mommy slave~
http://brazendreams.blogspot.com/

(in reply to subD4master)
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RE: Anger vs. Feeling Upset - 7/31/2005 5:48:26 PM   
gretchen


Posts: 121
Joined: 3/8/2005
From: Santiago, Chile
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fourpeas

How often does anger in submissives turn to feeling upset or frustrated...?



All the time. It changes my happy mood into autistic right away. An after that, it's really hard to make me come back or jump that big, thick, tall wall. Makes everything worse. Damages the relationship, but there's ussualy nothing I can do to not feel this way when I'm getting upset.
This only has happened in this relationship. In others, I was just indiferent to emotional harm.

(in reply to fourpeas)
Profile   Post #: 16
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