Tips from fellow subs/slaves for how THEY got over a long-term Master/Dom please?

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Tips from fellow subs/slaves for how THEY got over a lo... - 10/7/2007 3:49:00 PM

hermione83

Posts: 393
Joined: 8/1/2007
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Hi! Has anyone had a multi-year monogamous relationship with a Master/Dom that they had trouble getting over? (And did he abandon you?) Especially femsubs/slaves with a male Master/Dom. Did you feel co-dependent? Did you feel like you were trained to feel younger, and less capable, and then when it was over.. you were completely shell-shocked and pretty much not able to survive or return to normal society? What did you do to keep living? Thank you.

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RE: Tips from fellow subs/slaves for how THEY got over ... - 10/7/2007 5:23:13 PM

Alyoop

Posts: 138
Joined: 6/16/2007
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Wow, This sounds really serious.

I cant give advice because my situation isnt quite the same, but I do wish you the world of luck. And courage.

Ally

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In the arithmetic of love, one plus one equals everything, and two minus one equals nothing.
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RE: Tips from fellow subs/slaves for how THEY got over ... - 10/7/2007 5:38:42 PM

BeingChewsie

Posts: 1633
Joined: 10/27/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: hermione83

Hi! Has anyone had a multi-year monogamous relationship with a Master/Dom that they had trouble getting over? (And did he abandon you?) Especially femsubs/slaves with a male Master/Dom. Did you feel co-dependent? Did you feel like you were trained to feel younger, and less capable, and then when it was over.. you were completely shell-shocked and pretty much not able to survive or return to normal society? What did you do to keep living? Thank you.

What you do to keep living is realize that though you were made to feel younger and made dependent, you no longer are. You need to do what needs to be done. Despite having been made to feel that way you still have all the skills you previously had. They may be a tad rusty but your best bet is to just move forward and "fake it til you make it". It won't take long to get back into the swing of things, people acclimate quickly.

You felt shell-shocked, shake it off, don't use it as an excuse.

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~Ron and Hup

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RE: Tips from fellow subs/slaves for how THEY got over ... - 10/7/2007 8:19:21 PM

hermione83

Posts: 393
Joined: 8/1/2007
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Thanks Ally! Hugs!

Chewsie, I know you're right.. but I was with him from the time I had just turned 17. I dropped out of college while I was with him, and didn't do much with my life. I never had to be independent yet. So this is a first time thing for me. After I met him, I stopped making friends. The last time I really had any was high school. The past year I've done what I have to do then gone home. I sleep or get on the computer, besides school, and I talk to no one. I don't know how to get back into the swing of things. I haven't ever really been with the swing of things, ya know?

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RE: Tips from fellow subs/slaves for how THEY got over ... - 10/7/2007 8:33:06 PM

defiantbadgirl

Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: hermione83

Hi! Has anyone had a multi-year monogamous relationship with a Master/Dom that they had trouble getting over? (And did he abandon you?) Especially femsubs/slaves with a male Master/Dom. Did you feel co-dependent? Did you feel like you were trained to feel younger, and less capable, and then when it was over.. you were completely shell-shocked and pretty much not able to survive or return to normal society? What did you do to keep living? Thank you.

I had a relationship that lasted from junior high through high school. He was the one I lost my virginity to. When I was 17 and he was 19, he met another woman and told me I wasn't what he was looking for. I know how you feel because it was a big blow for me as well. I dealt with it by actively seeking someone else. It had a big impact on me even then. For several years, I kept a female version of a little black book so if some guy told me I wasn't what he was looking for, all I had to do was make a phone call. That book was my security blanket. Looking back, I sure do miss those days.

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RE: Tips from fellow subs/slaves for how THEY got over ... - 10/7/2007 8:47:09 PM

TemptingNviceSub

Posts: 3054
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You really did jump in hard and fast at age 17..Well now you are 24,and while he was the be all end all of your life for so long, It is now time to re-focus....I read your profile, and yes to this old woman, I sense a bit of romantic, youthful wish for the white knight..and yes it does seem a bit immature in thought to me and frankly unrealistic..It seems to me actually that your profile smacks of fooling yourself into believing that you are searching for another, but in actuality you really are not,,because you simply are not yet ready, or because you have a fantasy memory of what you had or experienced with your previous Master...So best advise is..get your degree, find out who you are now, not who you were at 17...get your life together for you and go forward, become a woman, and revel in that woman..then you will find a Dominant who can appreciate that woman you have become rather than that little girl you were..Tempting

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RE: Tips from fellow subs/slaves for how THEY got over ... - 10/7/2007 8:48:54 PM

babygurlinTX

Posts: 3
Joined: 10/3/2007
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Dear hermione,

Oh dear, i wish we were together right now. My nearly 30 year Ds relationship is floundering so badly and there is nothing at all I seem to be able to do to keep it afloat. I am so lost I want to go to bed and never wake up It is easy for someone not in the middle of things to say you have to just keep going, but when there is no place to go, no direction for your life, when the person who has been your compass for your entire adult life and longer suddenly is no the same person anylonger - maybe never was- it is crushing, it devestates you. Perhaps there is comfort i knowing yuo are not alone, I'm not sure - but there are many who can understand your loss and how lost you feel. Even my so called friends are now telling me how he used to make fun of me and the unkind way he spoke of me behind my back while I was doing the best I could to be his girl, his submissive and do everything he wanted from me.

I am trying hard to keep my head above water and I hope you are too.

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)

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RE: Tips from fellow subs/slaves for how THEY got over ... - 10/7/2007 9:05:50 PM

hermione83

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*hugs to defiant*

Gah, Tempting, there was a lot of truth in that. I guess that means you never found yourself a white knight? Even a dark knight? *smile* Sigh.. *nods* It's all just true. You're very perceptive. I doubt that I am in any way ready for another. I don't know if I ever will be. Somewhere, I keep hoping that some miracle will come and everything will be as it once was.

baby - ((((((((((Huggles))))))))) Ugh. I'm so so sorry. I know exactly what you mean. I feel like he just up and changed one day. And then I wondered if he just acted differently around me, or if my perception was skewed. Or that's just him pre and post-love. But I won't know why he stopped loving me. I don't know how to tell you to have the courage to cut and run - I never would have done that if he hadn't kicked me to the curb. We're becoming friends again, after him not talking to me for eons. That *is* your whole life. The only thing that helps me feel better is being around the people that were around before I even knew him, to make me feel sane. But since I hardly have any family left, and they're all far away, and I have no childhood friends from moving so much as a child... I hardly get that luxury either. I turn to comforts that I used to have. My grandparents pillowcases... Mac n cheese... But honestly, mostly I live in a black, dazed cloud. I wish I could help. I just, am so so sorry. Know you *ARE* worthy, and the fact that he treated you badly doesn't speak anything of you, but of him. That's a hard thing to get. I know when I'm by myself all I ever do is feel guilty..

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RE: Tips from fellow subs/slaves for how THEY got over ... - 10/7/2007 10:52:34 PM

secretagentgirl

Posts: 70
Joined: 9/16/2007
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quote:

So best advise is..get your degree, find out who you are now, not who you were at 17...get your life together for you and go forward, become a woman, and revel in that woman..then you will find a Dominant who can appreciate that woman you have become rather than that little girl you were..Tempting

This is great advice. I agree with this completely and as I read your post, all I could think was "don't jump into another relationship like this right away!"

Oh, my heart breaks for you. Ending any kind of long term relationship is SO hard, but getting over one where you put all of yourself into it and cut off other contacts would be near impossible. Few people your age have had a relationship that long, so I think it is particularly shocking.

I think that anyone who's been through this will tell you that you WILL get through it. You CAN get through it. It isn't going to be easy, nor will it be fast. Initially it will be day by day, but I promise you that you will make it through.

But truly... you are at such a great age to experience life, meet people, make friends, try new things for the first time. It is all out there waiting for you to find. Start small and try to think of just ONE area of interest. A club? Art class? Classes? A new sport? Volunteer work? Cooking? A fun part time job in a store you like? (these are all things I'd love to have time to do BTW.) You need to be around people and feel like you are participating in life or you'll probably just get sucked deeper into depression.

You are at the bottom of the pit now... there is nowhere to go but up. And you will get there.

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RE: Tips from fellow subs/slaves for how THEY got over ... - 10/9/2007 7:16:07 AM

littleone35

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Well my mentor died and i don't think you ever really "get over it" i think you just live with it. You gave a part of you to them and it hurts but life goes on and you deal with it and get on with your life.

Matt's littleone

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RE: Tips from fellow subs/slaves for how THEY got over ... - 10/9/2007 8:22:38 AM

crouchingtigress

Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
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i was not abandoned, actually i had begged for release for over a year, yet it still hurt and left a big ass hole in my everything...so i do know a little of what you are going though.

getting over it for me looked like this:

focusing on my career

getting two cats and a dog

not getting bitter or going victim...always focusing on what i great stuff got from the experiance

cutting off all contact with my former owner

having a friend to be transperant with, in my case it was a dom i had known and trusted for years, non lifestyle folks dont always "get it"

staying to the one year rule (no dating for one year)

fufilling some dreams and meeting goals....becoming top in my career, starting a foundation for sea turtles.

volunteering for a cause i believed in

finding a code to live by, to give me the structure i craved and a compass to navigate... for me this is the Samurai Code.

finding a disipline...for me this was meditaion.

staying away from bdsm for a while.

hanging out with friends and laughing a lot

learning to love myself by learning to know myself and accept myself.

< Message edited by crouchingtigress -- 10/9/2007 8:23:19 AM >

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RE: Tips from fellow subs/slaves for how THEY got over ... - 10/9/2007 3:07:41 PM

TheEvilBstardsMo

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Damn it hurts - doesn't it? Of course, what works for one may not work for another. But, i cried and cried and cried. Then, i tried to make it five minutes without crying and then added on to the time. Then, i sought out friends who i trusted and could help guide my thoughts and keep me connected. And the beauty of all this dark time was that i learned who i was, learned that i can make it on my own, got stronger, and this in turn resulted in a slave who could serve so much better than she did before. It all came full circle.

i wish you well. You will be OK. As difficult as this time is, take it as a time of growth and challenge. Work on you.

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RE: Tips from fellow subs/slaves for how THEY got over ... - 10/9/2007 4:45:45 PM

gypsygrl

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Joined: 10/8/2005
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It sounds a lot like when I went through when me and my ex-husband separated. I was 19 when I met him, and I moved out when I was 33 at his bidding. For over a decade, and all my adult life, my life revolved around him. We were vanilla and not D/s though our relationship dynamic was about as close to Master and slave as you could get without the terminology.

I went to graduate school, buried myself in my studies and began a ridiculously ambitious research project that took me 6 years to complete. I also had a new born, so in that first year, I was on 24/7. I nearly made myself crazy with overwork, but it kept me going until a time came that I could slow down, and begin to process what all had become of me. You've received alot of good suggestions here and all I can add is that it takes time. Find something to lose yourself in for a while, something besides another guy. Go back to school or something like that so you can start picking up where you left off. Then, when you're stronger and more sure of yourself, you'll be in a better position to think through your loss.

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