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I've stopped counting. - 10/8/2007 8:01:18 PM

ChicagoSwitchMal

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How strange time is. I know it's been said a million times and I certainly don't profess myself as any philosopher. Nor am I vain enough to feel qualified to impart my wisdom on the world. But really, how strange is time? We all mark time in our own way, through the landmarks we collectively call our past.

I remember my great grandmother scratching my back. She was so patient. She never got tired and didn't stop until after I feel asleep in her lap. I remember when my grandfather let me hold the revolver he used as sheriff in a small Kentucky town. What a passage to manhood that seemed like. I remember my first kiss. I don't remember her name but I remember the beauty mark by her lip. I remember the big card board box that I used as a fort where it happened. I also remember the texture of her tongue and how gross it felt. Oh my how our perspectives change on some things.

And I remember the abuses. My drunken father who would tie me to his wrist so I wouldn’t destroy the house while my mom worked and he slept off his hangover. I remember his hands going to places that weren’t comfortable when he thought I was asleep. I remember my mother and her boyfriend taking pictures of me undressed for her ‘photography classes’. I remember how my grandfather would switch moods when no one else was around and find a way to slap me around ‘for my own good’. I remember my mom telling me I was stupid and she hoped I burned in hell.

The facts of the above paragraph have never been spoken and have only previously been committed to text to one really cool person on this forum. She knows who she is. I am using the anonymity of the internet to text it again. I guess there’s a bit of healing going on here. Who knows?

I remember the excitement of graduating grade school... then high school... then basic training. All these moments were spaced so far apart but seem back to back now. So much wonder, so much potential, so much... forward.

Although "forward" certainly isn't over, it has changed tempo. The landmarks of my life are now due on the first of the month and compounded at 4% over prime. My bright and unlimited future is due by April 15th unless I file for an extension. The excitement once afforded to a girl accepting my hand on her knee in a movie theatre, is now reserved to five minute intervals between snooze bar taps.

I am not in any way, shape or form "old". But, like most people, I was concerned about it growing old. I took refuge in the thought that growing old was far, far away. It’s not so far away now and I hear it coming like the voice of bully I’ve avoided for so long who is now calling me from the other end of the playground.

I think I know the difference between being young and being old. As you get old, everything gets counted.

Every fricken paycheck, every fricken bill, every fricken snooze bar tap, every injustice, every abuse, every good memory, every bad one. Kids don’t count their experiences. They just have them and keep going.

I’m going to stop counting, or at least stop taking the counting so seriously.

< Message edited by ChicagoSwitchMal -- 10/8/2007 8:44:08 PM >

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RE: I've stopped counting. - 10/8/2007 8:11:51 PM

SDFemDom4cuck

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Beautifully written.

I tend to go with the latter of the two personally.

_____________________________

Ms Jo

She dealt her pretty words like Blades -
How glittering they shone -
And every One unbared a Nerve
Or wantoned with a Bone -

I want a sensitive man - one who'll cry when I hit him.

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RE: I've stopped counting. - 10/8/2007 8:31:03 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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Kids don't generally have to PAY for their experiences either, or deal with the consequences.

But I do think taking breaths, keeping perspective, and never stopping having fun are vital no matter what age.

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"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: I've stopped counting. - 10/8/2007 8:37:27 PM

came4U

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As long as you get to a realization stage while you still are able to enjoy as much youthfulness and quality of life (mind, body and soul) by knowing that YOU count.

Not by measuring events in any standards of timeframe, but by actual enjoyment of your existence, tick by tick.

YOU count!

No clock on earth can discount that.

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RE: I've stopped counting. - 10/8/2007 9:14:44 PM

Termyn8or

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CSM, consider this a milestone. You have gotten past it. This does not require forgivness, or forgetting, this is a personal matter where you make the concious decision not to let it fuck with your head anymore. You have grown.

Kudos on that. But don't expect any more, you will never forget, but now you can reflect on other things, like WHY it happened. How did people get to be the way they were ? We might never understand completely, but I intend to die trying.

I have a nice bunch of memories too, furniture flying across the room, the poker games, when they busted the olman for running a chop shop when I was two. I don't really remember that myself, but I was aware that we were recovering from it for quite some time. Could've lost the house. He was a drunk too, and I remember him pissing all over the bookshelf with the encyclopedia in it. I bet the olady made him regret that. Nothing was so much fun as the guns though. One day he fires a .357 Magnum into the ceiling and strip seaches my buddies and I. This because he lost $100 somewhere, hint-he was at the bar all day.

It sounds like you have alot to deal with, but I think now you see the key to the problem. That is NOT to deal with it. The memory is still there, but it is OVER. You are done growed up, it is OVER. You can think about it and discuss it without reliving it every fricken time. That is a serious milestone.

You take the good with the bad. I also remember my Parents teaching me to read well before I ever went to school. I remember the books, they would refuse me no book, ever. When the olman was sober he was pretty good, he worked hard and made good money. No more chop shops, he had some decent earning power.

So, that seems to sum it up, the good comes with the bad. To forget one is to forget it all. It is part of what makes you you. That is fact. The past is there, but so is the future. You can't change one, but you can change the other. Take your pick. If you stop the cycle of abuse, you will have done what you should as a human being. Other than that, just try to get some enjoyment out of life. You only go around once you know.

T

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RE: I've stopped counting. - 10/9/2007 3:34:55 PM

ChicagoSwitchMal

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Interesting responses. Thanks everyone.

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RE: I've stopped counting. - 10/9/2007 3:59:38 PM

BitaTruble

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ChicagoSwitchMal

I’m going to stop counting, or at least stop taking the counting so seriously.

Thank you for sharing a bit of your history, Chicago .. just don't stop counting yourself .. or your blessings. Don't be afraid to count on your friends and loved ones. It's not whether you stop counting or not, you know.. it's 'what' you count that matters.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

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RE: I've stopped counting. - 10/9/2007 4:03:29 PM

ChicagoSwitchMal

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Thank you Bita. I think my thread title threw alot of poeple off though. By "Ive stopped counting" I never meant that "I don't matter" but I see how it can be interpreted that way. Thanks again.

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RE: I've stopped counting. - 10/9/2007 4:06:30 PM

BitaTruble

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ChicagoSwitchMal

Thank you Bita. I think my thread title threw alot of poeple off though. By "Ive stopped counting" I never meant that "I don't matter" but I see how it can be interpreted that way. Thanks again.

No worries. I actually didn't interpret it that way at all .. just wanted to put my thought out there about the things that 'do' count and maybe it's not the counting that's the issue, just what's being counted. Hell, I'm getting older too but I decided to just quit counting birthday's.