RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir...

RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... (Full Version)

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Rule -> RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... (10/11/2007 2:24:51 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: YourhandMyAss Why is treating your partner horribly "sub behavior" not all subs behave in such ways, or w*ould even dream of behaving horribly. Why do leopards have spots? I have learned to recognize some of these spots. Other leopards have other spots. She is the real McCoy. Yes, I do know why, and it is part of my model of the mind of a sub. I do not know what to do about it, though. Shortening the neck of a giraffe results in a severely damaged giraffe. It seems to me that her master has a super sub, but that he either cannot read or understand the manual that accompanies that tool, much like I have no idea what my computer is capable of. At least she can tell him about herself, whereas my computer does not talk to me.

MissMorrigan -> RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... (10/11/2007 3:08:57 AM)
I will not question another dominant's actions insofar as how they deal with their sub within their relationship. I find it very poor that such a problem is brought to public boards for others to pick over as opposed to you exercising common sense and deciding on what you will/will not put up with. The relationship is between you two, not you two and CM in its entirety. Speculation on a person's actions only raises more questions and adds to undermine your own judgement. At the moment, a two-week 'time out' has been imposed and instead of respecting this, you have chosen to moan about it to the boards, detailing how unfair/wrong you feel it is to have been treated this way by your dominant thus manipulating some kind of response, even if it is not from the person you require it from. A 'Fuck you' attitude will not get you far. On occasion, I have had cause to impose a two-day no contact restriction on a submissive - at the time it was explained why and they were expected to respect my decision. If my decision could not be respected I would consider they had duly decided to release themselves of any obligation to me. One thing I will not tolerate is a sub's attempts at manipulating me into engaging them at a time when I have already stipulated will not happen. Taken from a journal entry: Viewpoints at best are going to be slanted towards the biased opinion of the OP who will have provided scant detail. Then comes the onslaught of 'well-meaning' advice from other members who will happily pick apart said relationship and criticise the Dominant party for failing their sub. At what point do people begin taking responsibility for their actions... If you post on a public board and invite the onlooker a glimpse into your private relationship you are open for critique - the onlooker also bears a certain responsibility - By all means offer advice, constructive advice - don't attempt to undermine the relationship by critiquing the Dominant party for their choices - It's oft forgotten that the submissive partner also made a choice to enter into the relationship.

MrDiscipline44 -> RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... (10/11/2007 8:41:39 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: YourhandMyAss I agree. I had a dominant once who's method of dealing with me when I angered upr frusterated him, was to not deal with me, and later on be all like, oh I didn't feel like dealing with you on my lunch break so I chose not to call* telephones and ims was all we had* It was very non effective, for one because I'd wait and wait and get all hopefull as the time for the call came and then sad when the time passed and no call. It might of been diffrent if he said look i don't have the patience today I won't be calling. But either way the behavior issues were always worse, not better when he'd finally come back to deal. Now, it's a hard limit to with draw contact because of displeasure. with drawing doesn't solve anything, and in our minds, isn't an apropriate way to deal with issues. quote: ORIGINAL: lauren0221 Fast reply i would not be happy with his response to this behavior, if it were me. Either deal with/correct the behavior, or decide that the problem is serious enough to end the relationship. Creating more distance with no contact for two weeks sounds wishy-washy to me, and does not seem to be any kind of solution to the problem. I say bullshit to both of these responses. If one of my girls angers me or frustrates me to no end, they damn well know to back off me till I've settled down and can talk and act rationally to the problem reguardless if thats an hour or a week. Trying to press me to deal with a problem when my emotional control is taxed to it's limits nothing less then bottom-topping in my relationship and I'll have none of that bullshit.

lauren0221 -> RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... (10/11/2007 9:58:45 AM)
There'a difference between taking a step back to clear your head and cool off (which I agree can be a very good thing), and putting a no contact order in place for two weeks?

Rule -> RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... (10/11/2007 10:30:08 AM)
I agree that two weeks is long, but I assume that her dom has his reasons. She said: quote: ORIGINAL: submissfifi If I was to contact Sir in anyway over these two weeks then all contact would drop, and it would be the end of our relationship. That indicates that he is aware that there are serious problems in their relationship. So for now I assume that he knows what he is doing.

YourhandMyAss -> RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... (10/11/2007 10:42:02 AM)
I think that it's immature to pull a disapering act every time you get miffed. Grown ups in my world do not just do a hoodini every time something don't go their way, or their not happy. Now that's not the same as having time to be under control before disipline. The quality of the contact won't be as great as before, and we may not talk as long as we usualy do on a pleasure call, He may not do all the things I love him to do, untill the issues dealt with Our talking time might decrease from 6 hours to 1, sure, but this whole I disapere don't speak to me untill I decide you can is immature, and bullshit in my opnion. My Dom thinks so too. So that's all that matters, because ultimatly the only thing that matters, the only persons say or opinion that matters in this relationship is ours. quote: I say bullshit to both of these responses. If one of my girls angers me or frustrates me to no end, they damn well know to back off me till I've settled down and can talk and act rationally to the problem reguardless if thats an hour or a week. Trying to press me to deal with a problem when my emotional control is taxed to it's limits nothing less then bottom-topping in my relationship and I'll have none of that bullshit.

YourhandMyAss -> RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... (10/11/2007 10:46:00 AM)
You didn't answer the question. You side stepped it with a silly analagy. So tell me again how does mistreating your dom and acting horribly make you a true sub. I would not call someone who has admittedly been so nasty and horrid to her master many a times, a "super sub". Quite the opisit in fact. quote: ORIGINAL: Rule quote: ORIGINAL: YourhandMyAss Why is treating your partner horribly "sub behavior" not all subs behave in such ways, or w*ould even dream of behaving horribly. Why do leopards have spots? I have learned to recognize some of these spots. Other leopards have other spots. She is the real McCoy. Yes, I do know why, and it is part of my model of the mind of a sub. I do not know what to do about it, though. Shortening the neck of a giraffe results in a severely damaged giraffe. It seems to me that her master has a super sub, but that he either cannot read or understand the manual that accompanies that tool, much like I have no idea what my computer is capable of. At least she can tell him about herself, whereas my computer does not talk to me.

unsung -> RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... (10/11/2007 1:01:20 PM)
To the OP, I think you really need to sit back and assess the situation; the why this has happened, why is this happening, how can I change this so that it does not happen again, why are you in the relationship you are, etc. It seems to me that you might being having a problem handing over authority to your dominant and hence this causes you to treat him miserably when you become fustrated. If you truly want to be in that relationship does it make any sense to be treating your partner like crap? You really need to ask yourself where and how you desire to be portrayed else you may be spending many more weeks alone and feeling isolated. No one here can really say what is right or wrong , or even suggest what is going on in your dominants mind when asserting his power and this form of punishment, but it would do you some real good to sit and reflect on why and how you got to where you have, and make alterations to behaviours that put you in the situation you are so you are not there again. Coming here looking for answers on internal struggles will make no difference if you are not using them to assess the situation. Good luck to you and deep thinking.

SensualPassion41 -> RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... (10/11/2007 1:13:49 PM)
After readding what the OP wrote I wonder if this is her Sir's way of teaching her respect. Maybe he has tried other ways, maybe he tried a shorter "no contact time" and she still repeated the behavior he was trying to correct. I don't feel we have all the information to make a judgement either way concerning her Sir. My Master knows I cannot stand being ignored or go without contact with him. I did something that did not please him and I was not permitted contact with him for 24 hours. I learned my lesson and never repeated the behavior. Master would not tolerate the type of behavior she has described she has done...no excuses. Maybe this severe a punishment was needed because she did not learn from her previous punishments.

laurell3 -> RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... (10/11/2007 1:14:15 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Rule I agree that two weeks is long, but I assume that her dom has his reasons. She said: quote: ORIGINAL: submissfifi If I was to contact Sir in anyway over these two weeks then all contact would drop, and it would be the end of our relationship. That indicates that he is aware that there are serious problems in their relationship. So for now I assume that he knows what he is doing. Why do you assume this, just because he's a Dom? Her posts indicate the on/off thing is common. I don't think it's at all safe to assume because someone choses to put the title to their name they are rational and responsible. l

laurell3 -> RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... (10/11/2007 1:18:00 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MissMorrigan I will not question another dominant's actions insofar as how they deal with their sub within their relationship. I find it very poor that such a problem is brought to public boards for others to pick over as opposed to you exercising common sense and deciding on what you will/will not put up with. The relationship is between you two, not you two and CM in its entirety. Speculation on a person's actions only raises more questions and adds to undermine your own judgement. I don't agree at all that she did anything wrong by coming here. It's rational, responsible adult behavior to seek out support and help when dealing with issues. Where else would she find a support group on d/s issues? I do, however, agree that she has to use her own judgement and people assume things that we just can't possibly know on the forums in an effort to rush to help or for other reasons. Take all our advice with a grain of salt, mine included. Use them only to get ideas. You are the only one that truly knows your situation. l

daytimeaffair69 -> RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... (10/11/2007 1:42:40 PM)
I seem to have the exact opposite problem, it that it is hard (at least in my humble experience and in my area) to get the subs to properly communicate with me. Even if you are not interested, just have the basic human decency to say so....don't leave someone hanging. So.....no advice here, sorry.

laurell3 -> RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... (10/11/2007 1:48:55 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: daytimeaffair69 I seem to have the exact opposite problem, it that it is hard (at least in my humble experience and in my area) to get the subs to properly communicate with me. Even if you are not interested, just have the basic human decency to say so....don't leave someone hanging. So.....no advice here, sorry. That would be the married seeking an affair only issue. l

YourhandMyAss -> RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... (10/11/2007 2:56:30 PM)
daytime affairs, nobody owes any one else an answer. Sure it'd be nice, even just a no thanks, but most the time a no thanks leads to either a barrage of insults or harrasment, or worse pitiful, ok if you don't want me any fem friends who will? Just chalk it up to their non answer IS the answer. no.

MissMorrigan -> RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... (10/11/2007 3:04:54 PM)
Laurell, we see this situation from different perspectives. You see it as someone reaching out for support. I see it as a person manipulating a situation to gain a response even though their dominant has imposed a two-week 'exile' upon her. The sub cannot gain a response from her dominant, so takes it to the boards to protest at how unfair her situation is. The OP indicates this is not the first time this has occurred, unless I misread that. Had they thought it unfair the first time surely a discussion with their dominant would have ensued and had they found it something they would not tolerate (and gaining no favourable resolution), common sense should have prevailed where the only outcome would have been a mutual conclusion to the relationship. I can only see this as a petulant act designed to elicit sympathy. I have sympathy the first time for a person who has been unfairly treated, should that actually be the case. But when they have walked into the relationship 'eyes wide open', and one has to assume discussions occurred in the negotation stages as to how problems would be dealt with/rectified - if they genuinely felt they had been mistreated and continued to remain I can only feel they enjoy being the 'victim'. quote: ORIGINAL: laurell3 I don't agree at all that she did anything wrong by coming here. It's rational, responsible adult behavior to seek out support and help when dealing with issues. Where else would she find a support group on d/s issues?

laurell3 -> RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... (10/11/2007 3:32:39 PM)
Yes I understand your position, and that may very well be true to an extent. However, there is a very real struggle when you are a new sub to define what is "nonsubmissive" and challenging and what is demanding deserved respect. Knowing the difference and getting to the place where you realize you have the right to want what you want takes time. When I was new to the lifestyle the chatrooms and forums helped in this regard, although I have to say I don't really give specifics in a public forum of my own relationships. l

PryderiLoup -> RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... (10/11/2007 4:50:07 PM)
quote: The only problem I've seen lack of communication solve is making a relationship you don't want go away. Not quite true. I know a girl that this tecnique would work quite well on, in a shorter (3-4 day) time span. The 2 week thing bugs me, it seems excessive.

MstrssPassion -> RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... (10/11/2007 5:12:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: PryderiLoup quote: The only problem I've seen lack of communication solve is making a relationship you don't want go away. Not quite true. I know a girl that this tecnique would work quite well on, in a shorter (3-4 day) time span. The 2 week thing bugs me, it seems excessive. Who's to say there hasn't been other disciplinary actions that have been imposed. Y'all really need to keep in mind one thing about boards... you're only hearing one side of a story & only what the author wishes to share.

PryderiLoup -> RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... (10/11/2007 5:37:01 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MstrssPassion Y'all really need to keep in mind one thing about boards... you're only hearing one side of a story & only what the author wishes to share. Good point

obis -> RE: Confused and not allowed to contact Sir... (10/11/2007 7:04:27 PM)
Indeed, the 2 weeks may be because he tried a week before, and a 3 day before that, and a day before that, and he's just trying to find out how long the pain of separation has to get before she understands to stop doing what he's told her to stop doing. Not knowing the situation, I don't think anyone here can say whether two weeks is "too long", even for cooling off so that he can deal with the situation in some better way. I once had to tell a friend of mine that I wouldn't be able to see them for 6 months, because they had violated my trust and I knew there was no possibility of me being able to interact with them positively until at least several months passed and the sting was gone.

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