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BDSM...New Lessons in my life. Day 1 as a Sub - 10/11/2007 12:05:00 AM

Ldhoney

Posts: 4
Joined: 10/7/2007
Status: offline

I am in need of direction from subs.. below is my blog from myspace, just copying it here for some answers on my feelings and fears on my first day as a true sub.

My life has taken a turn in a direction i have wanted to go for many, many years, but have been completely fearful of actually letting myself be free to try.

BDSM. Bondage and Discipline / Domination and Submission / Sadism and Masochism

I was the quest of a Male DOM (you know those female dominatrix? Well there is a male version too) for the course of a 2 year period, ONLINE. In those two years he exposed me to the light of what true D/s (BDSM) is/was/stands for. I was intrigued, but very fearful, as i am a scaredy-cat and wuss. But i took in everything he said.. Since those days, i have always wanted to try it to gain from it for contributing to who i am ,and what i want to stand for in this life, and not the person i am hiding inside.

3 days ago, i revealed to my husband that i have dreamt of having two men, dominate me, and expose me to this lifestyle in our home. Obviously i have young children and cannot have another man living with us in this way. So i made a post on Craigslist for a DOM to come into our home, befriend my husband and the two of them would share me and expose me first hand to what i craved and feared.

Well I found him, met him, and so has began my first lesson today. What is was is not important. What is important is those of you who are reading this that are involved in the D/s life, i REALLY need to hear from you. I broke down. I am ever emotional today, depressed beyond belief, and very confused. And i seek your counsel.

As many of you may be aware, BDSM by glance seems to be all sexual, and painful, and people being treated badly... When in reality BDSM has little if anything to do with sex what so ever. My reasoning I feel I am drawn to it, is for the sexual parts, but those come so far in between what BDSM really offers me and other DOM/subs. It is a redefining of yourself.

I had hoped by doing this, that through being pushed to the edge of my comfort zone, I would learn strength, courage, and faith that after I did something I didn't think I ever could, it mean I could now do things in life I never felt I could. So I would take more chances and fear the unknown less.

By being humiliated, I would learn that words have no effect on me if I don't let them, and they don't redefine who I am, or how people may perceive me. In this, I would learn to hold my head up, be less insecure. Strength of self.

By exposing myself and all my flaws, scars, and weight that is not "perfect" any more ( I used to have a rockin' body) to a complete stranger (you) and in front of my husband as well, I would learn to be comfortable in my own skin. That I am "perfect" just the way I am, and that I could do more work to my body for its shape, but that would be for health reasons, not insecure reasons. Making love and being nude and exposed to my husband who loves me, I would not have to still hide my body but embrace it.

It forces me to trust completely, when I am scared and want to run. Teaching me how to learn to trust again, by force, I will become free.

These are just a few of the things I have felt the reason I was drawn to BDSM and what it offers could give me. ( all of this years before i met my husband) So you see.. At those times, when someone calls me whore, or makes me do something sexual I don't want to, or force me to never make a sound when I am being over stimulated by what turns me on most... Although through sexual gain it appears, it is really nothing sexual at all in which I actually gain from it.

Kind of like having a room full of people calling every name in the book of your most hated and shameful feelings.. "your a whore" your a bad mother" your a slut, your fat, your ugly, you have a small dick, whatever it is is that you feel compounded by, and a bunch of people are exposing your worst names and fears right there in your face, nowhere to run or hide... And magically, somehow, their words have no more effect on you, you have heard them, over and over, and they begin to lose their effect on you when you confront the bad, which will reveal all the good you are/have.. Learning by shame of a room full of people, how it doesn't matter how others see you, but how you see yourself.

Anyway.. . I lost it tonight.. I felt completely depressed, crying, questioning if what I always thought I could gain from this... if I was wrong in thinking that way all these years. It started with my pet name, Kitten. I did something wrong, and for today, my punishment was to not be called by the name i love come from my husbands lips. Instead o would be called WHORE. A name in which in this form, i do not like being called. At the end of my night, when my punishment was second from being over, i had to repeat what i did wrong, and tell him what my name was (for today) i was humiliated, shameful, i felt like a 2 year old child, and i was hurt, and angry that my husband would make me even say it out loud. I did as was told, through gritted teeth and a lowered head. The went into my room, and cried. Lost it.

Is this normal to feel this way in the beginning? I know it is scary, but what emotions should i expect? Am i wrong in feeling i could gain from this all that i am thinking i cold gain? How do you get past those emotions to be able to move forward so you can even make day 2?

What is BDSM? (didnt write this (below), but it is exactly what i think it is, and am hoping you all say it is true.)

It's an aspect of who I am...it is an experience that is different every time...it is total freedom...no freedom...total control...no control at all...intoxicating... humiliating...thought provoking...it is sensual surrender...integration of the erotic psyche...compellingly beautiful and emotional...an expression of self...

it is being helpless...being on the edge...being lost...being found...just being...it is permission and comfort...the dark side coming out to play...it is the past...the future..this moment...soft and warm...cold and hard...it is the vivid imagination...it is suffering and pleasure... torment and escape...tight and restricting.. loose and flowing... completely closed...totally open...desire for the forbidden...disdain for the accepted..it is me...you...us... it is making me happy...keeping you happy...indulgence and decadence...isolation and deprivation...desire and transformation...it is something you are not likely to forget easily...transcendence...a dance...us converging and journeying together...

acceptance and fun and love...it is union with self...union with others...a breathtaking discovery...bliss...newness... play...drama...an engulfing warmth..a sweet sting...a burning hot...it is a fixation that forces...commands and captivates...it is tying down...freeing up...stretching and binding...suspending and attaching...challenging and being challenged...sensory overload...nurturing...an art form...a performance...our private stage that we act out on...it is the realm of engagement and disengagement...training...correction... punishment... reward...hyper-stimulation...no stimulation...dramatic...exotic... mission impossible or very subtle...It is knowing where the boundaries are and how to consensually expand them.

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RE: BDSM...New Lessons in my life. Day 1 as a Sub - 10/11/2007 12:16:32 AM

Willowmoon

Posts: 227
Joined: 9/25/2007
Status: offline

This is my first post on this boards after lurking for a little while but your post really hit a note in me as I remember a long time ago being in a similar place to where you are now.

It is scary and it can be extremly confronting at times to face words among other things that we only have negative thoughts and feelings too, things that the mainstream tell us are wrong and most of us have to fight years of social training in our societys to embrace this side of us.

What is BDSM? Honey its what ever you and your partner want it to be. What you are feeling now is completly normal. Have you spoken to your partner or the other Dom about the way you are feeling?

(in reply to Ldhoney)

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Post #: 2

RE: BDSM...New Lessons in my life. Day 1 as a Sub - 10/11/2007 12:43:45 AM

Ldhoney

Posts: 4
Joined: 10/7/2007
Status: offline

Yes, actually. And through all of this, we are so much closer. 5 years ago when i met my husband and he tried to be all "DOM-like" It came out as role playing.. which as fine then as i tested the waters so to speak with someone i love and trust. but it didnt come from within, so the effect was only benefiting the sexual side of this, not the whole compass of what it can give you.

Now after years of reading, talking, and then him finding out just how much i desired it, it has been a benefit for him and his anger problem. Where he would normally get angry or upset at something i do (i am a butt-head at times) he had no control over me.. and so thru this, he has gained a way to feel like he is not losing control, by giving control over me in this aspect. He also finally understood everything, the loving, the caring OUTSIDE OF THE BEDROOM.. the tender touches, the showing you care all day, instead of in bed, or a quick I love you and kiss as you leave for work. And i am cherished now, doted on, as well as reprimanded. So, yeah we talked, and he enlightened me that although i may be very scared right now, that through me over the last few days, he is seeing me in a whole new light. And how this whole thing has actually helped him in finding a way to beat his anger issues/problem...so, it is a win-win..

I just still feel so lost as an individual, not speaking as a wife, or a mother, or a daughter.. but as ME. Laura. Kitten. Whatever... separate from every other title i have in this life. I see the rainbow, i just need to fill in the colors.... and i seek other subs to enlighten me with thier stories and fears so i can relax to be able to do this for me.

< Message edited by Ldhoney -- 10/11/2007 12:49:57 AM >

(in reply to Willowmoon)

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Post #: 3

RE: BDSM...New Lessons in my life. Day 1 as a Sub - 10/11/2007 12:53:55 AM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

Ldhoney, yes, what you experienced is 'normal'. You reacted as you needed to react. I reacted that way tonight myself albeit for different reasons. Tonight, I needed to be hurt, physically, though, not emotionally. Tonight, I needed to feel the pain. Tonight, I needed to cry. On other nights, the scene we had would have made me laugh, get giddy, be joyful because that's what I need on those other nights. But this night, I reacted as I did because I was supposed to react as I did. It's what my soul needed and I accept it.

You didn't like what your husband had you do, but, honey, you still did it. You still submitted to it. That's part of what submission is all about.. doing those things which are difficult because we agreed to do them even when we don't much care to do them.

You asked how to get past those emotions so you can move on to day 2. You don't have to get passed them. They are what they are and they are now a part of your experience. Let that experience help guide your next steps. Humiliation is 'not' a requirement to be a submissive and if you find you want to wait to explore it again, by all means, communicate that to your husband and wait. Or, if you don't think you ever want to go there again, let that experience be a lesson you've learned.. that it's a limit for you and you don't need to go there to submit, to have some fun, to engage in ways that are not traumatic to you.

It's okay. It's okay to go slow and take baby steps. You'll still keep moving no matter how small the steps you take may be. It's okay to feel odd or weird, upset, let-down and it's understandable. This is brand new for you and all that you thought it 'could' be.. actually 'can' be if you have the courage to continue. If this is 'right' for you. If this is something you 'are', something you want, something you need .. then just keep walking.

I urge you to speak to your husband about how everything made you feel. Talk to him about where you want to go, what you want to discover, what the two of you think you can do so that future experiences are what you both need them to be. And, ldhoney, try not to beat yourself up for what are, truly, absolutely normal reactions.

As far as what BDSM is.. and the piece you posted to us.. if that's what 'you' think of it, then that's what it is for you. You may find that you'll add or subtract to your thoughts as time goes by and that's okay, too. There's no blueprint here.. which might sound like that's a bad thing, but it's actually a good thing because it means you get to make of it what you will, what you desire, what you want.

Cry when you need to cry. Laugh when you need to laugh. Serve, for now, as you need to serve.. and when you grow, maybe you'll serve, instead, as your dominant wants you to serve, but for now, embrace yourself, hug yourself and just allow yourself to feel what you feel without remorse and without regret.

Welcome to the leather vats, ldhoney.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to Willowmoon)

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Post #: 4

RE: BDSM...New Lessons in my life. Day 1 as a Sub - 10/11/2007 4:57:13 AM

HizBabyGirl

Posts: 97
Joined: 8/28/2007
Status: offline

I'm sorry you are having such a hard go at it. Its impossible for me to understand why you are so down, not knowing your relationship with your husband and others, etc. I do know that I have been worried at times that I would take all this and have it come back to me that I've made another mistake which I do seemm to be so good at.

I imagine it would be something of a shock to have your husband call you such a name especially in collusion with another. I know in order to enjoy my d/s role, I have to have my head in the right place, my submissive place that its easy to lose in the hustle of daily life.

I'll try to write more later but for now my eyes are wanting to close any minute.

I'd like to be able to talk with you and vice versa if you like. One cannot have too many friends!

k

(in reply to Ldhoney)

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Post #: 5

RE: BDSM...New Lessons in my life. Day 1 as a Sub - 10/11/2007 5:06:52 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Ldhoney

I am in need of direction from subs.. below is my blog from myspace, just copying it here for some answers on my feelings and fears on my first day as a true sub.

My life has taken a turn in a direction i have wanted to go for many, many years, but have been completely fearful of actually letting myself be free to try.

BDSM. Bondage and Discipline / Domination and Submission / Sadism and Masochism

I was the quest of a Male DOM (you know those female dominatrix? Well there is a male version too) for the course of a 2 year period, ONLINE. In those two years he exposed me to the light of what true D/s (BDSM) is/was/stands for. I was intrigued, but very fearful, as i am a scaredy-cat and wuss. But i took in everything he said.. Since those days, i have always wanted to try it to gain from it for contributing to who i am ,and what i want to stand for in this life, and not the person i am hiding inside.

3 days ago, i revealed to my husband that i have dreamt of having two men, dominate me, and expose me to this lifestyle in our home. Obviously i have young children and cannot have another man living with us in this way. So i made a post on Craigslist for a DOM to come into our home, befriend my husband and the two of them would share me and expose me first hand to what i craved and feared.

Well I found him, met him, and so has began my first lesson today. What is was is not important. What is important is those of you who are reading this that are involved in the D/s life, i REALLY need to hear from you. I broke down. I am ever emotional today, depressed beyond belief, and very confused. And i seek your counsel.

As many of you may be aware, BDSM by glance seems to be all sexual, and painful, and people being treated badly... When in reality BDSM has little if anything to do with sex what so ever. My reasoning I feel I am drawn to it, is for the sexual parts, but those come so far in between what BDSM really offers me and other DOM/subs. It is a redefining of yourself.

I had hoped by doing this, that through being pushed to the edge of my comfort zone, I would learn strength, courage, and faith that after I did something I didn't think I ever could, it mean I could now do things in life I never felt I could. So I would take more chances and fear the unknown less.

By being humiliated, I would learn that words have no effect on me if I don't let them, and they don't redefine who I am, or how people may perceive me. In this, I would learn to hold my head up, be less insecure. Strength of self.

By exposing myself and all my flaws, scars, and weight that is not "perfect" any more ( I used to have a rockin' body) to a complete stranger (you) and in front of my husband as well, I would learn to be comfortable in my own skin. That I am "perfect" just the way I am, and that I could do more work to my body for its shape, but that would be for health reasons, not insecure reasons. Making love and being nude and exposed to my husband who loves me, I would not have to still hide my body but embrace it.

It forces me to trust completely, when I am scared and want to run. Teaching me how to learn to trust again, by force, I will become free.

These are just a few of the things I have felt the reason I was drawn to BDSM and what it offers could give me. ( all of this years before i met my husband) So you see.. At those times, when someone calls me whore, or makes me do something sexual I don't want to, or force me to never make a sound when I am being over stimulated by what turns me on most... Although through sexual gain it appears, it is really nothing sexual at all in which I actually gain from it.

Kind of like having a room full of people calling every name in the book of your most hated and shameful feelings.. "your a whore" your a bad mother" your a slut, your fat, your ugly, you have a small dick, whatever it is is that you feel compounded by, and a bunch of people are exposing your worst names and fears right there in your face, nowhere to run or hide... And magically, somehow, their words have no more effect on you, you have heard them, over and over, and they begin to lose their effect on you when you confront the bad, which will reveal all the good you are/have.. Learning by shame of a room full of people, how it doesn't matter how others see you, but how you see yourself.

Anyway.. . I lost it tonight.. I felt completely depressed, crying, questioning if what I always thought I could gain from this... if I was wrong in thinking that way all these years. It started with my pet name, Kitten. I did something wrong, and for today, my punishment was to not be called by the name i love come from my husbands lips. Instead o would be called WHORE. A name in which in this form, i do not like being called. At the end of my night, when my punishment was second from being over, i had to repeat what i did wrong, and tell him what my name was (for today) i was humiliated, shameful, i felt like a 2 year old child, and i was hurt, and angry that my husband would make me even say it out loud. I did as was told, through gritted teeth and a lowered head. The went into my room, and cried. Lost it.

Is this normal to feel this way in the beginning? I know it is scary, but what emotions should i expect? Am i wrong in feeling i could gain from this all that i am thinking i cold gain? How do you get past those emotions to be able to move forward so you can even make day 2?

What is BDSM? (didnt write this (below), but it is exactly what i think it is, and am hoping you all say it is true.)

It's an aspect of who I am...it is an experience that is different every time...it is total freedom...no freedom...total control...no control at all...intoxicating...
..thought provoking...it is sensual surrender...integration of the erotic psyche...compellingly beautiful and emotional...an expression of self...

it is being helpless...being on the edge...being lost...being found...just being...it is permission and comfort...the dark side coming out to play...it is the past...the future..this moment...soft and warm...cold and hard...it is the vivid imagination...it is suffering and pleasure... torment and escape...tight and restricting.. loose and flowing... completely closed...totally open...desire for the forbidden...disdain for the accepted..it is me...you...us... it is making me happy...keeping you happy...indulgence and decadence...isolation and deprivation...desire and transformation...it is something you are not likely to forget easily...transcendence...a dance...us converging and journeying together...

acceptance and fun and love...it is union with self...union with others...a breathtaking discovery...bliss...newness... play...drama...an engulfing warmth..a sweet sting...a burning hot...it is a fixation that forces...commands and captivates...it is tying down...freeing up...stretching and binding...suspending and attaching...challenging and being challenged...sensory overload...nurturing...an art form...a performance...our private stage that we act out on...it is the realm of engagement and disengagement...training...correction... punishment... reward...hyper-stimulation...no stimulation...dramatic...exotic... mission impossible or very subtle...It is knowing where the boundaries are and how to consensually expand them.

Hello Ldhoney,

It can be all this and more.

If you read the piece you reproduced here, you might recognise some of it in the way you felt. *Reading and feeling* as opposed to *experiencing and feeling* are very different.

Reading the word *humiliating*, has nothing like the potency of experiencing it. Neither do the words *torment, cold and hard, suffering, deprivation or punishment*.

Another phrase in there is...*It is something you are not likely to forget easily*........That can apply to it ALL; the good bits and the bad bits.

There's a lot of things that appeal to me, mentally and emotionally, that is really rather crap when I go through it.

I wrote this a short while ago...

A lesson in reflection

I learned to kneel, it was at your feet.
Can’t remember the day or time, won’t forget how it felt.
I wanted to stay crouched there,
a small bundle, safe and humbled.
I learned to kneel, the last barrier
erected came tumbling down,
a beautiful and poignant moment.
I, naked inside and out.
I learned to stand, at first
with your hand lifting me to my feet.
Learned to stand alone for some of the time,
always knowing I was within your gaze.
Learned to walk, it was more a stumble,
knowing that you were minding my footsteps,
your eyes on the path ahead.
You never made me run until you were certain
I’d mastered walking. You always set the pace.
I learned to respond, it was at your touch.
Your touch is a language I’ve come to love,
I share you, but this language is solely mine.
I can’t help missing it dreadfully,
pining when it’s not there.
You leave gifts to help me through these times,
kisses that linger through long nights and difficult days.
I learned to give, it was in such small ways.
You seem to instinctively know the times
when I’m ready to give more.
I was afraid to open my heart my mind,
you listened, found the way into both.
I learned to accept, it was at your hand.
My lot, my punishments, my place, myself,
lessons that give me strength.
I learned to face fear, it was your arm
about my shoulders, your words pushing me forward
to face the unknown.
I learned to fly, wings full and strong,
flung wide to the wind. Fully free, yet tethered to you.
I could never have known this feeling of flight
until I knew how it felt to be bound tightly,
held and mastered by you.

......the reality and the physical experiences that created those words were nothing like as pretty at the time. Many of them were shitty, actually.

Regards, agirl

< Message edited by agirl -- 10/11/2007 5:20:30 AM >

(in reply to Ldhoney)

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RE: BDSM...New Lessons in my life. Day 1 as a Sub - 10/11/2007 5:20:35 AM

NakedGirlScout

Posts: 370
Joined: 1/10/2006
From: Toronto
Status: offline

It took close to a year for me to settle down as a slave and not always be freaking out and crying and questioning myself. What you wrote sounds pretty normal to me also. I think you could use some cuddling and reassurance from your husband, as emotional reactions to a scene can be so intense that you need help (aftercare) afterwards, even for quite a long time.

(in reply to agirl)

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RE: BDSM...New Lessons in my life. Day 1 as a Sub - 10/11/2007 5:24:19 AM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

You seem to have gone for everything at once, instead of working into things at a more reasonable rate. A couple of things struck me.

One; the humiliation thing. Just because some people can do it and become stronger, doesn't mean that everyone responds that way to it. I'm also concerned that your husband decided that you should be left humiliated and uncomforted. Humiliation is difficult enough to do in a scene, to be told that you really aren't worth loving, that he doesn't care how depressed you are, would be a red flag to me.

The other thing is him blaming you for his anger problems. His anger is his problem, not yours. Saying you cause his emotional instability means that you hold power over him and not vice versa. Punishing you by telling you that you aren't special, you aren't allowed to be human and learn new things with practice, you are never permitted to make a mistake - in effect that anything done wrong means he withdraws his love and thinks of you as a worthless whore is abusive.

I'm not sure why you decided to play this heavy with a stranger who has no investment in making sure you recover from a difficult scene. I am sure that your husband needs to learn how to control himself, and he needs to learn the value of having property. If he bought a Maserati, would he kick in the doors and leave it unlocked to be vandalized? Yet he believes doing the equivalent of that to you is appropriate.

I wish you good luck, sounds like you'll need it.

(in reply to HizBabyGirl)

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RE: BDSM...New Lessons in my life. Day 1 as a Sub - 10/11/2007 5:28:42 AM

SirMichealspeach

Posts: 73
Joined: 1/13/2006
Status: offline

Ldhoney:
I have to say I was truly touched while reading your post. I have felt this way many times alothough I never cry. Humiliation is something that takes time to accept. It does not have to be used in BDSM at all either although I personally have found few Doms that don't enjoy it on occasion. I have often wanted to run especially in the early part of Master and my's relationship. I handed over my running shoes when i decided to surrender to Him but every now and again i feel the need to ask for them back. (this is a metaphore of course) By me telling Him im looking for my running shoes He knows something is bothering me and we will discuss the issue at hand and work through it either by taking that particular thing off the table or maybe going at it at a slower pace or a differnt manner. I am sure your husband knows how uncomfortable this word was for you to say, but to get you to a mindset to be obedient and not hesitate to do what pleases Him, He will need to have you do things that are unpleasant at times. I find that Master doesn't particularly like things He has me do or doesn't like making me act a certain way but he also understands its something I need and something that will in the long run enable me to serve Him better .
All you can do is take one day at a time.If something you are told to do really is against your nature then speak up and ask for things to be clarified or explain to HIm why you feel uncomfortable, sometimes They can help you see things in a different light and the chore or assignment doesn't seem as bad as you originally thought... I know I'm rambling, I get caught up in my own thoughts sometimes....I hope I haven't confused you more.

Sir Micheals peach

(in reply to agirl)

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Post #: 9

RE: BDSM...New Lessons in my life. Day 1 as a Sub - 10/11/2007 5:35:57 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Ldhoney

I had hoped by doing this, that through being pushed to the edge of my comfort zone, I would learn strength, courage, and faith that after I did something I didn't think I ever could, it mean I could now do things in life I never felt I could. So I would take more chances and fear the unknown less.

By being humiliated, I would learn that words have no effect on me if I don't let them, and they don't redefine who I am, or how people may perceive me. In this, I would learn to hold my head up, be less insecure. Strength of self.

By exposing myself and all my flaws, scars, and weight that is not "perfect" any more ( I used to have a rockin' body) to a complete stranger (you) and in front of my husband as well, I would learn to be comfortable in my own skin. That I am "perfect" just the way I am, and that I could do more work to my body for its shape, but that would be for health reasons, not insecure reasons. Making love and being nude and exposed to my husband who loves me, I would not have to still hide my body but embrace it.

It forces me to trust completely, when I am scared and want to run. Teaching me how to learn to trust again, by force, I will become free.

The words " I had hoped" are significant and the others follow.

This, in your words, is Day 1........All the "hopes" you have, can't possibly be wrapped up and held in Day 1?

Regards, agirl

< Message edited by agirl -- 10/11/2007 5:48:35 AM >

(in reply to Ldhoney)

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RE: BDSM...New Lessons in my life. Day 1 as a Sub - 10/11/2007 6:50:21 AM

chellekitty

Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline

ok, you got through day 1...and you really want this...go through day 2....don't even think about day 3...one day at a time...
yesterday is history
tomorrow is a mistery
today is a gift
and thats why they call it the present...

keep up the journal...it will be amazing to look at in 6 months or a year and to see where you started and how much you have grown....

good luck
chelle

oh and pssst look at my tag line....

_____________________________

One thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve. ~Albert Schweitzer

(in reply to agirl)

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Post #: 11

RE: BDSM...New Lessons in my life. Day 1 as a Sub - 10/11/2007 9:33:33 AM

onmykneesb4Him

Posts: 113
Joined: 8/28/2007
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i felt like that at first. i wondered if we (or i) had made a huge mistake. Sir and i were together as a (sort of) vanilla couple for several years before transforming into lifestyle Ds.

The first several times we really played, i was incredibly depressed. Although i loved it in the moment, suddenly i couldn't understand why He would call me a whore, slut, etc. and why in the world i ever wished He would.

What those feelings did for me, was force me to open up emotionally to Him. Before, i would have kept any feelings like that under wraps, but i knew in order for us to be a happy, committed Ds couple, i had to make myself tell Him how i was feeling. i did, and it wasn't easy, but each time it got easier, and eventually it became expected that i will always honestly share my feelings. As a result, we are much, much closer. And now i can let go and fully enjoy those names He calls me, knowing more about both myself and Him.

(in reply to Ldhoney)

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RE: BDSM...New Lessons in my life. Day 1 as a Sub - 10/11/2007 9:42:09 AM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
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I think if my first time made me feel like shit, I wouldn't have had a second time.
I STILL have never retried asparagus after that first taste.
I had a few good avocado's before that bad one, and I continued trying because the first times were good.
That aspargus though, will never pass my lips again.
I need to feel good before I can stand feeling bad, so I can sustain myself.
Kyst

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to onmykneesb4Him)

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Post #: 13