BDSM...New Lessons in my life. Day 1 as a Sub

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Ldhoney -> BDSM...New Lessons in my life. Day 1 as a Sub (10/11/2007 12:09:07 AM)
I am in need of direction from subs.. below is my blog from myspace, just copying it here for some answers on my feelings and fears on my first day as a true sub. My life has taken a turn in a direction i have wanted to go for many, many years, but have been completely fearful of actually letting myself be free to try. BDSM. Bondage and Discipline / Domination and Submission / Sadism and Masochism I was the quest of a Male DOM (you know those female dominatrix? Well there is a male version too) for the course of a 2 year period, ONLINE. In those two years he exposed me to the light of what true D/s (BDSM) is/was/stands for. I was intrigued, but very fearful, as i am a scaredy-cat and wuss. But i took in everything he said.. Since those days, i have always wanted to try it to gain from it for contributing to who i am ,and what i want to stand for in this life, and not the person i am hiding inside. 3 days ago, i revealed to my husband that i have dreamt of having two men, dominate me, and expose me to this lifestyle in our home. Obviously i have young children and cannot have another man living with us in this way. So i made a post on Craigslist for a DOM to come into our home, befriend my husband and the two of them would share me and expose me first hand to what i craved and feared. Well I found him, met him, and so has began my first lesson today. What is was is not important. What is important is those of you who are reading this that are involved in the D/s life, i REALLY need to hear from you. I broke down. I am ever emotional today, depressed beyond belief, and very confused. And i seek your counsel. As many of you may be aware, BDSM by glance seems to be all sexual, and painful, and people being treated badly... When in reality BDSM has little if anything to do with sex what so ever. My reasoning I feel I am drawn to it, is for the sexual parts, but those come so far in between what BDSM really offers me and other DOM/subs. It is a redefining of yourself. I had hoped by doing this, that through being pushed to the edge of my comfort zone, I would learn strength, courage, and faith that after I did something I didn't think I ever could, it mean I could now do things in life I never felt I could. So I would take more chances and fear the unknown less. By being humiliated, I would learn that words have no effect on me if I don't let them, and they don't redefine who I am, or how people may perceive me. In this, I would learn to hold my head up, be less insecure. Strength of self. By exposing myself and all my flaws, scars, and weight that is not "perfect" any more ( I used to have a rockin' body) to a complete stranger (you) and in front of my husband as well, I would learn to be comfortable in my own skin. That I am "perfect" just the way I am, and that I could do more work to my body for its shape, but that would be for health reasons, not insecure reasons. Making love and being nude and exposed to my husband who loves me, I would not have to still hide my body but embrace it. It forces me to trust completely, when I am scared and want to run. Teaching me how to learn to trust again, by force, I will become free. These are just a few of the things I have felt the reason I was drawn to BDSM and what it offers could give me. ( all of this years before i met my husband) So you see.. At those times, when someone calls me whore, or makes me do something sexual I don't want to, or force me to never make a sound when I am being over stimulated by what turns me on most... Although through sexual gain it appears, it is really nothing sexual at all in which I actually gain from it. Kind of like having a room full of people calling every name in the book of your most hated and shameful feelings.. "your a whore" your a bad mother" your a slut, your fat, your ugly, you have a small dick, whatever it is is that you feel compounded by, and a bunch of people are exposing your worst names and fears right there in your face, nowhere to run or hide... And magically, somehow, their words have no more effect on you, you have heard them, over and over, and they begin to lose their effect on you when you confront the bad, which will reveal all the good you are/have.. Learning by shame of a room full of people, how it doesn't matter how others see you, but how you see yourself. Anyway.. . I lost it tonight.. I felt completely depressed, crying, questioning if what I always thought I could gain from this... if I was wrong in thinking that way all these years. It started with my pet name, Kitten. I did something wrong, and for today, my punishment was to not be called by the name i love come from my husbands lips. Instead o would be called WHORE. A name in which in this form, i do not like being called. At the end of my night, when my punishment was second from being over, i had to repeat what i did wrong, and tell him what my name was (for today) i was humiliated, shameful, i felt like a 2 year old child, and i was hurt, and angry that my husband would make me even say it out loud. I did as was told, through gritted teeth and a lowered head. The went into my room, and cried. Lost it. Is this normal to feel this way in the beginning? I know it is scary, but what emotions should i expect? Am i wrong in feeling i could gain from this all that i am thinking i cold gain? How do you get past those emotions to be able to move forward so you can even make day 2? What is BDSM? (didnt write this (below), but it is exactly what i think it is, and am hoping you all say it is true.) It's an aspect of who I am...it is an experience that is different every time...it is total freedom...no freedom...total control...no control at all...intoxicating... humiliating...thought provoking...it is sensual surrender...integration of the erotic psyche...compellingly beautiful and emotional...an expression of self... it is being helpless...being on the edge...being lost...being found...just being...it is permission and comfort...the dark side coming out to play...it is the past...the future..this moment...soft and warm...cold and hard...it is the vivid imagination...it is suffering and pleasure... torment and escape...tight and restricting.. loose and flowing... completely closed...totally open...desire for the forbidden...disdain for the accepted..it is me...you...us... it is making me happy...keeping you happy...indulgence and decadence...isolation and deprivation...desire and transformation...it is something you are not likely to forget easily...transcendence...a dance...us converging and journeying together... acceptance and fun and love...it is union with self...union with others...a breathtaking discovery...bliss...newness... play...drama...an engulfing warmth..a sweet sting...a burning hot...it is a fixation that forces...commands and captivates...it is tying down...freeing up...stretching and binding...suspending and attaching...challenging and being challenged...sensory overload...nurturing...an art form...a performance...our private stage that we act out on...it is the realm of engagement and disengagement...training...correction... punishment... reward...hyper-stimulation...no stimulation...dramatic...exotic... mission impossible or very subtle...It is knowing where the boundaries are and how to consensually expand them.

subnstudent -> RE: BDSM...New Lessons in my life. Day 1 as a Sub (10/11/2007 12:50:56 AM)
By sharing this sort of thing out in the open, you're showing a side that a lot of people don't necessarily appreciate. You're making yourself vulnerable by sharing yourself, by stretching your boundaries and baring your soul for all to see. Now, there is no "true" definition for submission. But in my opinion, you're doing just what I think is quintessential to a successful relationship: baring your soul for all to see, to judge, and to comment on. Now, I'm not saying just go out and tell everybody all the details of your relationship, considering my experience with people that would be a very BAD thing. What I mean is you need to share these feelings with your dominant(s), probably using a medium of some sort (like the online journal you're using), so they know how they are affecting you. It's a hard job caring for and nurturing someone in your care (as I am sure you know); it just makes it a lot easier when you know what's going on in that person's head so you can consider and change your strategies and protocols as needed.

SixFootMaster -> RE: BDSM...New Lessons in my life. Day 1 as a Sub (10/11/2007 2:56:16 AM)
While YOU clearly have a good understanding of yourself, and the how you respond to dominance, have you considered whether your husband has the slightest idea of what he is doing, or that the dom you invited into your house did? You do need to let go of yourself and become what you are, but it is a gradual process, there will be times when you cry, but they should be equally from sheer joy as from hurt. No matter whether you cry or not, you should find your soul and spirit liberated, and sence that freedom in being what you are, who you are in the very core of you, exalting in it.

gentlestarZR -> RE: BDSM...New Lessons in my life. Day 1 as a Sub (10/11/2007 9:05:48 AM)
as SixFootMaster said its a it is a gradual process taken over time .. little steps to make you into a submissive .. i know every step i took afterwards i cried .. but just because i was so open and raw emotinoally even little steps .. Master would jsut hold me and comfort me , talk to me while i cried. but we did take small steps and over years he's built me into the slave i am. just make sure with your husband adn this new Dom that you talk about everything and how you feel every doubt every fear ... start a journal that they can read ..this way every thought and fear can be talked out and they can help you trough it. but this is a long process .. even being naked the first time i cried because i didnt like how i looked .. but now with Masters love and support i'm a lil vixen lol .. but just make sure they know how you feel dont hide anything and yes this is a part of being a submissive atleast it was for me .. being that helpless at times was scarey but now i'm a better person for it and stronger .. all those insecurities were delt with and you will have to deal with them but with the help of your husband and Dom ..

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: BDSM...New Lessons in my life. Day 1 as a Sub (10/11/2007 5:51:22 PM)
Could just be drop, could be what I call the "morning after syndrome," it could be a sign that you're not secure enough for it, or it could be that you just need to force yourself OFF the computer and let yourself come back to a normal earth place with some decent perspective. Unless you have perspective, nothing else will help.

RCdc -> RE: BDSM...New Lessons in my life. Day 1 as a Sub (10/12/2007 3:04:09 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross Could just be drop, could be what I call the "morning after syndrome," it could be a sign that you're not secure enough for it, or it could be that you just need to force yourself OFF the computer and let yourself come back to a normal earth place with some decent perspective. Unless you have perspective, nothing else will help. QFT the.dark.

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