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LilyOR -> Musings on switching to the top (7/28/2005 2:50:20 PM)
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Hi, everyone.
I'm new to this forum, but not too new to alternative sexual lifestyles. I identify as a switch, sortof. I think that's partly why I'm here...to bounce my feelings off other people in the hopes of some feedback. Let me apologize now if any of this post seems to ramble or is confusing.
The "switch" has been kindof an interesting change for me. My last relationship was one in which I switched to topping. I picked up on some clues about my man, I loved him, and soon found myself fantasizing about spankings, enemas, chastity, CBT, etc... Funny, that. So we started playing that way, and it grew heavily on me. Still, it was difficult because I felt a little pressured to perform, am new at topping, and my confidence need some time. We ended the relationship amicably for other reasons. Now, I never think about bottoming. I did in my past, but I was always a little pushy about how and when. Instead, I find myself thinking about "consentual loving manipulation" of the man in my life. I honestly don't know if I'll ever be interested in bottoming in the future, but since I *used* to have fantasies about bottoming... couldn't my mind change again? I'm a little worried about pigeon holing myself as a "domina", too. Maybe because it seems like such a change?
I'm recently "available" again, and gradually getting closer to true emotional availability. I don't want to really "date" until I feel as though I AM available, though flirting helps, and is harmless. I look at these personal ads, and how people define themselves. We have to all select from a very limited number of "choices" to define our "orientation"; dominant, submissive, or switch. It bothers me in some ways, though I can see the value of having a bottom line.
For me, common life goals and chemistry are most important. Sexual stuff is extremely important too, but I've found for myself that as long as my partner and I are open minded and have somewhat similar sexual interests, the sex'll be fine. The day to day stuff will be the greater challenge. So, I don't necessarily feel a driving, overwhelming *need* to be with a man who will suffer sexually for me, obey overtly, or wear a cage on his cock (though I'd miss it sometimes, perhaps). Instead, I feel an overwhelming drive (more than anything else) to be with a man who can stand as my equal in most ways, and be a true partner. I'd marry someone open-minded but vanilla who was a good match in this respect over a bottom who wasn't. Does anyone else feel this way? Sometimes in the kink community I feel like an odd man out for not setting too high a priority on the kink.
Your .02?
Thanks,
Lil
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