not enough effort made (Full Version)

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serisa -> not enough effort made (10/11/2007 1:24:14 PM)

i am interested to find out how, based on past experiences (or how you imagine you might)  subs/slaves react when they feel strongly that their Dom/Master is not taking enough interest in them or not making an effort to see them much.

does anyone have any advice on what approach generally works and which doesnt?.  is there anyone out there who is so submissive they literally say nothing and allow it to continue hoping things might change for the better?

do you find generally find this sort of thing if continues from Him makes you more submissive and pleasing (either conciously, in an attempt to impress, or unconciously without realising).  or perhaps the opposite happens, feeling alone for longer than usual without good reason that you know of makes you more likely to express just how you are feeling?

any Doms/Masters like to put their word in and say if they have ever done that to Their sub either on purpose or unintentially.  how did they react and did You feel they handled it appropriately?

thank Y/you A/all



mnottertail -> RE: not enough effort made (10/11/2007 1:28:42 PM)

I would say something......not nag or bitch......but when you are talking, however that is occurring...say it straight and positively, I am not getting enough time, and I feel--------

Ron



LadyLynx -> RE: not enough effort made (10/11/2007 1:35:33 PM)

well in the D/s relationships I have observed, as long as the sub requests something respectively, the Dom usually at least listens, and depending on what the sub is asking for, sees if he/she can do it.  Just because someone is submissive in the relationship, their needs still need to be met. 



toservez -> RE: not enough effort made (10/11/2007 1:51:51 PM)

My experience is attention and time spent between two people is a compatibility issue. Some need near constant and some need relatively little. Forcing someone to one end or the other will often mean only ensuring future problems.

Certainly for me the less time together the less I am going to feel particularly submissive to a person. In terms of approach very simple, next time you are able to have a serious conversation tell him very honestly what you are feeling and what you need from him. No tricks with hidden agendas.

As LadyLynx wrote, just because you are submissive does not mean your needs are not important or can just be set aside.



laurell3 -> RE: not enough effort made (10/11/2007 2:08:09 PM)

In my mind there are two different things going on in a d/s relationship.  That is relationship issues, stuff all couples deal with and rules/orders issues.  Rules/orders/activities I negotiate on in the beginning and they are expected to adhere to the negotiations and limits at all times.  As a sub I accept their desires in this area, that's their call. 

But this seems to be a relationship issue and those I believe are open for debate and communication at all times.  It has nothing to do with my submissiveness or dominance to say we are having a relationship issue we need to discuss.  This is not one I would personally tolerate.  I would however talk to the Dom/me and find out why the lack of inattention, something intense going on at work, physical illness, etc. 

When I was much younger, I had a Dom that had two children, a busy job and lived in another city.  The issue came up more than once.  He was open to discuss it at any time and we found imaginative ways to deal with it.  It wasn't lack of desire, it was just plain ole not enough time.  That I couldn't expect him to change and I wouldn't put myself in front of his kids.  So, I guess the reasons for the lack of attention are important.  In my opinion you should feel open to discuss these type of issues regardless of role.
l 



worththeeffort -> RE: not enough effort made (10/11/2007 2:36:53 PM)

using fast reply...

*points to screenname*

Needless to say, i'd have a problem with that lol. If i start feeling that way, i'll tell them flat out what's bothering me and why. Usually respectfully, sometimes not but that's about par for the course with me lol. But a simple "i don't feel like you're spending as much time with me as you used to/as i'd hope/as i need and it's making me feel ___ (fill in the blank)___" seems to be very effective. There may be a reason that you wouldn't have considered as to his/her reason why. Personal, work, physical or psychological reasons could all be behind it.

You'll get the same response for most things around here, and there's a reason for it, be honest, be open and communicate with eachother. Dom's aren't mind readers lol.

~kitty



Tigrita -> RE: not enough effort made (10/11/2007 3:20:54 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: toservez

My experience is attention and time spent between two people is a compatibility issue. Some need near constant and some need relatively little. Forcing someone to one end or the other will often mean only ensuring future problems.

Certainly for me the less time together the less I am going to feel particularly submissive to a person. In terms of approach very simple, next time you are able to have a serious conversation tell him very honestly what you are feeling and what you need from him. No tricks with hidden agendas.

As LadyLynx wrote, just because you are submissive does not mean your needs are not important or can just be set aside.



I'm just gonna second everyting toservez said, including what LadyLynx said =)  Yeah, I'm a big freakin plagarist.  The only thing I'd add is that writing things out really helps for me.  Take a few days or even weeks (depending on how imperitive the situation is), see how your feelings develop and change, and what remains consistent, journal things through frequently (for yourself, not necessarily for him to read since there might be a lot of confused, conflicting things going on in your head).  Then write a letter to him.  I find writing works best because you can be absolutely sure you're expressing what you mean to instead of words getting stuck in your throat, interrupted, sidetracked, and thoughts evaporating.  This way you also have a record for refference of things you've brought up and how you've delt with them, since things aren't often soved in a day and will probably be evaluated again at some point to see how things have changed or haven't.  Even try to get him to write back, for the same reasons.  That is what works for me.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: not enough effort made (10/11/2007 6:04:18 PM)

Most subs act out in a bad way because they can't just directly sit down and tell their doms how they feel in a non threatening way and offer specific solutions and behavior changes to try and help.

But really, they should.



xolarkinxo -> RE: not enough effort made (10/11/2007 6:41:42 PM)

quote:

Most subs act out in a bad way because they can't just directly sit down and tell their doms how they feel in a non threatening way and offer specific solutions and behavior changes to try and help.

Interesting statement.  So far I have read that the subs are expressing their feelings/needs.  I handle this issue with direct expression as well, as do the submissives I know personally.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: not enough effort made (10/11/2007 7:23:42 PM)

Expressing feelings is not the same as communicating their feelings and needs in a non threatening way AND offering specific solutions and behavior changes to try and help.

Yu want to read how many hundreds of threads we have on here that are all answered with "Talk to eachother and make a plan of action for you both?"  I WISH it were how the majority of relationships worked.



toservez -> RE: not enough effort made (10/11/2007 8:05:23 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Expressing feelings is not the same as communicating their feelings and needs in a non threatening way AND offering specific solutions and behavior changes to try and help.

Yu want to read how many hundreds of threads we have on here that are all answered with "Talk to eachother and make a plan of action for you both?"  I WISH it were how the majority of relationships worked.


This is an all relationships not just power exchange thing. I agree with LA too many couples do not communicate honestly in the proper time frame and one waits too long and what they are trying to communicate and the message they are actually sending out becomes two different things entirely.

It is unfortunate that many times communication comes after the person who is having the problem has tried a bunch of other things and is just too stressed/pissed to communicate the actual problem and more open to working on a mutual solution. Too often it is a build up of bad emotion exploding around the problem and the person thinking they have already done all they could so it becomes all about the other and not we. Short term things brought up and the emotion are treated not the actual problem.






iammachine -> RE: not enough effort made (10/11/2007 9:06:28 PM)

quote:

so submissive they literally say nothing and allow it to continue hoping things might change for the better?


That isn't necessarily being submissive so much as it is being passive.

The way I feel, final responsibility for having my needs met always falls on me, regardless of what title I might happen to be wearing at the time. If my needs aren't being met, I will try to think of what I might be able to do to resolve that. Often this is simply acheived by expressing how I feel, sometimes it might involve offering a possible resolution in the form of a suggestion (not a demand).

quote:

akes you more likely to express just how you are feeling?


I encourage people to express how they are feeling provided that A) they take responsibility for their feelings and B) they attempt to communicate in as constructive and emotionally netural manner as possible.

For example, "I feel lonely" as opposed to saying "You are making me feel lonely" is taking ownership of how I feel and not laying blame or accusation on anyone else. Even when discussing topics that may be quite emotional, I try to remain as neutral as possible. There is a time and place for passion, but when you are trying to come to a conclusion is not that time to express it in my opinion. It's one thing to show that you feel passionately about something, another to have an often manipulative emotional outburst which is basically what I am saying. :)

Wow, that's a long caveat for a simple statement. But yeah, I'm totally all for open communication.



PrincessDonna -> RE: not enough effort made (10/11/2007 10:05:58 PM)

You have not said weather there was something that you may have done to not please your master(or mistress).I would look at myself first and at that point if you can not find the answer ask to communicate your feelings.It may be something going on that THEY find hard to talk about!



Celeste43 -> RE: not enough effort made (10/12/2007 5:35:56 AM)

This is one of those questions that is just about impossible to answer. It could be that while he's a priority to you, you're just an option to him. It could be that you just have a compatibility issue here where one person needs twice daily contact, and the other needs twice weekly.

Talk to your partner about your lack of happiness with the status quo and decide from both his response verbally and whatever changes he actually makes, or doesn't, to determine where you want to go from here and how best to get there.



serisa -> RE: not enough effort made (10/17/2007 4:40:37 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: PrincessDonna

You have not said weather there was something that you may have done to not please your master(or mistress).I would look at myself first and at that point if you can not find the answer ask to communicate your feelings.It may be something going on that THEY find hard to talk about!



slaverosebeauty -> RE: not enough effort made (10/17/2007 8:39:51 PM)

MJ lives 3 hours away from me; we don't get to see eachother nearly as much as either of us want too, but we do talk on a regular basis and He lets me know that He is thinking about me and He has been VERY supportive and has gone out of His way the last few weeks to call me more than usual.
 
MJ is very busy with His job, running, being a parent and other projects; I have been sick and was facing some very scarry medical stuff, so our priorites are on being supportive emotionally and mentally, since we can't be physcially as much as either of us would like.
 
How do I let Him know I want to see Him more often?  I tell Him.  It's not 'nagging' or 'bitching' its more of the subtle and seductive ways of 'teasing' and 'tempting' Him into moving things around; I have even offered to take an afternoon or full day off of work if He came up or if He wanted me to coem down.  With me being sick right now and impending doctor's visits, I can't travel.  We do what we can and we make the tie we have together count and savor each moment.   



TemptingNviceSub -> RE: not enough effort made (10/17/2007 8:50:42 PM)

Learning how to communicate on both sides of the slash is an ongoing learning experience..heck!..learning how to communicate in all walks of life takes a lot of practice and effort...I think most learn how to communicate on an expert basis one day after they are buried [8|]..or not....[8D]...Tempting



downkitty -> RE: not enough effort made (10/17/2007 10:14:13 PM)

Generally, I whimper and beg. When he gets home, I do this butt shaking thing like a little puppy wagging its tail and say something like, "Oh, you're home, i was so lonely, i thought you were never coming home, i missed you so much, i'm so glad you're home" like what you imagine that puppy would say if he could. 

We are pretty much hombody people. Its just that his job can require a lot of his time sometimes. There's not much he can do about it. The puppy routine makes my point (I miss him and am lonely for him) in a humorous, light hearted manner. He doesn't feel nagged over it, and gets a kick out of it. He usually does do some extra petting, holding, hair stroking, little things that I love because they make me feel close to him.

While I can's say I get any extra time with him over it, I would still say its effective for me.  If he doesn't have the time till this job is done, then he just doesn't have it. He gets a chuckle and does get reminded that I adore him and miss him when he is away. I get, "I know, baby. It will be over in X days." and some petting.

I'm not sure if it will help you, but since its kinda funny, it probably wont be construed as being naggy or bitchy, and hopefully will get the point across.

Respectfully,

Amy




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