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RE: asking for intamacy too much to ask for? - 10/13/2007 7:26:52 AM   
subsfaith


Posts: 297
Joined: 11/21/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: RRafe
Intimacy is given, not asked for.


Maybe in your world, but not in mine... :: smiles ::

There are times when I ask and I get what I ask for, there are times when I am told to wait, there are also times I am completely denied.  It all depends on his mood.  But for us, there are no hard fast rules.  But I do subscribe to a basic principle in life anyway - if you don't ask, you don't get.  To ask costs nothing.

Faith

::smiles ::

(in reply to RRafe)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: asking for intamacy too much to ask for? - 10/13/2007 7:48:41 AM   
RRafe


Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subsfaith

quote:

ORIGINAL: RRafe
Intimacy is given, not asked for.


Maybe in your world, but not in mine... :: smiles ::

There are times when I ask and I get what I ask for, there are times when I am told to wait, there are also times I am completely denied.  It all depends on his mood.  But for us, there are no hard fast rules.  But I do subscribe to a basic principle in life anyway - if you don't ask, you don't get.  To ask costs nothing.

Faith

::smiles ::



Ask all you like-but things of this nature cannot be demanded. And push has one direction-away.

_____________________________

I seem to be some wierd combination of Ren and Stimpy

(in reply to subsfaith)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: asking for intamacy too much to ask for? - 10/13/2007 8:19:10 AM   
imtempting


Posts: 1280
Joined: 2/11/2005
Status: offline 		I look upon the Ds world as the same as vanilla dating. If your not getting what you want out of it then it is not going to work.  I can't see myself going into a Ds relationship without imtimacy.

(in reply to RRafe)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: asking for intamacy too much to ask for? - 10/13/2007 8:19:30 AM   
pseudopsychotic


Posts: 145
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline 		::Fast reply to the OP::

I'm on the other side.
I don't do Intimacy, and Sir has a problem with that.
He's always asking for me to be closer. sometimes with words but most of the time with body language.
And I do my best to open up for him.
So I think it's fine to ask, in certain ways, and if you're not getting what you want or need out of a relationship...Then ask yourself if its worth it and if not, cut sail and leave.

_____________________________

Got a problem with me Solve it.
Think I'm trippin? Tie my shoe
Can't face me? Turn around

(in reply to RRafe)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: asking for intamacy too much to ask for? - 10/13/2007 8:45:18 AM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		And in general, you are not going to ever find someone who is good at mind reading. If you need something then you need to mention it. Asking for things doesn't make them less when you get them, it just means you've grown up and can communicate clearly.

(in reply to Daddyskittin)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: asking for intamacy too much to ask for? - 10/13/2007 10:18:12 AM   
Jennie13093


Posts: 21
Joined: 1/18/2007
Status: offline 		In regards to dollylima's post, maybe i never started my posts with in my relationship is because i am not in one as of yet. However i am searching for the right one. Besides i never seen a rule book for writing posts. Take care.

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Profile   Post #: 26
RE: asking for intamacy too much to ask for? - 10/13/2007 2:40:51 PM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		Rrafe. You've never had a bad day and asked someone you loved for a hug? No one's ever come to you and asked for one? I can't even contemplate not being able to turn to my partner for support when in need, or asking and not getting it. Just as I hope he never turns to me and has me turn away.

In a healthy, supportive relationship you give each other what they need. Even if what they need is just an embrace.

(in reply to Jennie13093)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: asking for intamacy too much to ask for? - 10/13/2007 3:30:35 PM   
NControlofU


Posts: 204
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline 		Intimacy is something that develops or not over time.  Its not something you ask for, recieve or give.  Well, you can ask for it but that's like asking for love.  Just asking for it doesn't mean it's going to happen.  Let it happen on its own.  Dont try to force it.  Public displays of affection isnt an exclusively vanilla thing.  Being into bdsm doesnt rule out intmacy or affection.  If its going to happen, it will.

(in reply to Jennie13093)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: asking for intamacy too much to ask for? - 10/13/2007 3:42:19 PM   
sambamanslilgirl


Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline 		have you tried communicating your need for intimacy to your Dom because it seems you haven't. 

_____________________________

...2011 - year of the fabulous rock star life ...and i do it so well...


...announcing Mr. & Mrs. British Petrol ...yeah, marrying into oil is slick business...

(in reply to Jennie13093)
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RE: asking for intamacy too much to ask for? - 10/13/2007 4:05:59 PM   
pleasureforck


Posts: 95
Joined: 7/2/2007
Status: offline 		I can ask anytime I feel I need a hug. My Sir loves to cuddle possibly more than I do.

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RE: asking for intamacy too much to ask for? - 10/13/2007 6:52:21 PM   
RRafe


Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43

Rrafe. You've never had a bad day and asked someone you loved for a hug? No one's ever come to you and asked for one? I can't even contemplate not being able to turn to my partner for support when in need, or asking and not getting it. Just as I hope he never turns to me and has me turn away.

In a healthy, supportive relationship you give each other what they need. Even if what they need is just an embrace.


You are putting words in that I never said-please quit doing that. I said intimacy needs to be given freely. Not that I had none to give.

_____________________________

I seem to be some wierd combination of Ren and Stimpy

(in reply to Celeste43)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: asking for intamacy too much to ask for? - 10/13/2007 8:03:50 PM   
marieToo


Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline 		FR

I think intimacy and affection are two completely different things.  And I see the two words being used interchangeably on this thread 

I think people, by nature, are either affectionate or they aren't.  Intimacy is another ball of wax.  It's more like something that either developes between two people or not, and although intimacy may be expressed via physical affection for some people, it can also be present without being affectionate. 

_____________________________

marie.


I give good agita.









(in reply to RRafe)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: asking for intamacy too much to ask for? - 10/13/2007 11:56:01 PM   
obis


Posts: 412
Joined: 9/9/2005
From: Austin, TX, USA
Status: offline 		If there's something you want, that you're not getting, you need to ask for it. That's true of everything in life, there are very few mind readers who are going around lavishing gifts on strangers.

In the case of a d/s relationship, obviously once you've asked, it's up to him to decide how, when, and if, to provide what you've asked for.

(in reply to marieToo)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: asking for intamacy too much to ask for? - 10/14/2007 5:12:34 AM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RRafe

quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43

Rrafe. You've never had a bad day and asked someone you loved for a hug? No one's ever come to you and asked for one? I can't even contemplate not being able to turn to my partner for support when in need, or asking and not getting it. Just as I hope he never turns to me and has me turn away.

In a healthy, supportive relationship you give each other what they need. Even if what they need is just an embrace.


You are putting words in that I never said-please quit doing that. I said intimacy needs to be given freely. Not that I had none to give.


I'm not putting words in your mouth, I don't understand what you mean. I'm reading it needs to be given freely to mean that your partner can't ask for it but instead has to wait until you feel like giving some, and hope that your desire to give meets their need for some affection and support. Which would bring us back to mind reading to get the timing right. If this isn't what you mean, then please clarify.

(in reply to RRafe)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: asking for intamacy too much to ask for? - 10/14/2007 6:41:17 AM   
subsfaith


Posts: 297
Joined: 11/21/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RRafe

quote:

ORIGINAL: subsfaith
Maybe in your world, but not in mine... :: smiles ::

There are times when I ask and I get what I ask for, there are times when I am told to wait, there are also times I am completely denied.  It all depends on his mood.  But for us, there are no hard fast rules.  But I do subscribe to a basic principle in life anyway - if you don't ask, you don't get.  To ask costs nothing.

Faith

::smiles ::



Ask all you like-but things of this nature cannot be demanded. And push has one direction-away.


Who said anything about demanding or pushing? 

To quote you:
quote:

ORIGINAL: RRafe

You are putting words in that I never said-please quit doing that.


Faith
:: smiles::



< Message edited by subsfaith -- 10/14/2007 6:42:48 AM >

(in reply to RRafe)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: asking for intamacy too much to ask for? - 10/14/2007 7:35:18 AM   
RRafe


Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43

quote:

ORIGINAL: RRafe

quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43

Rrafe. You've never had a bad day and asked someone you loved for a hug? No one's ever come to you and asked for one? I can't even contemplate not being able to turn to my partner for support when in need, or asking and not getting it. Just as I hope he never turns to me and has me turn away.

In a healthy, supportive relationship you give each other what they need. Even if what they need is just an embrace.


You are putting words in that I never said-please quit doing that. I said intimacy needs to be given freely. Not that I had none to give.


I'm not putting words in your mouth, I don't understand what you mean. I'm reading it needs to be given freely to mean that your partner can't ask for it but instead has to wait until you feel like giving some, and hope that your desire to give meets their need for some affection and support. Which would bring us back to mind reading to get the timing right. If this isn't what you mean, then please clarify.


Showing affection should come naturally.

But I would never be with someone so insecure and needy as to disrespect me, by DEMANDING it.

_____________________________

I seem to be some wierd combination of Ren and Stimpy

(in reply to Celeste43)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: asking for intamacy too much to ask for? - 10/14/2007 7:50:41 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline 		there are no one-size-fits-most answers to questions like the ones you pose.
 
some submissives aren't allowed to ask for anything...others are allowed protocol for asking, some Dom/Masters encourage asking for things, some don't.
 
it isn't a relationship of generalities...it is a unique relationship that you have with this particular individual.  craft it the way it fulfills the two of you...why attempt to imitate some stereotype or generality of what "should" or "should not" be done by "a" submissive or "a" Dom/Master?

(in reply to Jennie13093)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: asking for intamacy too much to ask for? - 10/14/2007 10:33:57 AM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RRafe

Showing affection should come naturally.

But I would never be with someone so insecure and needy as to disrespect me, by DEMANDING it.


Ah, got it. Thanks.

I think the disconnect here is that what you see as disrespectful and demanding is what I see as a compatibility issue.

I knew I needed affection and affirmations, not a heavy punishment dynamic nor one heavy on humiliation or degradation. So these were just things I was looking for along with bondage and sex. And I didn't feel that stating what I was looking for was wrong since if I didn't tell anyone then I sure wouldn't get it.

There were men who didn't go for what I go for, in things both on and off the checklists, and when we didn't match up sufficiently I said thanks but no thanks. But I wasn't going into a relationship hoping he might one day be intimate, since I've been in relationships with people incapable of it, and I needed to know he was both capable of it and as interested in it as I was. Just compatibility to me, no different then not being compatible with a vegan.

(in reply to RRafe)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: asking for intamacy too much to ask for? - 10/14/2007 1:06:18 PM   
RRafe


Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43

quote:

ORIGINAL: RRafe

Showing affection should come naturally.

But I would never be with someone so insecure and needy as to disrespect me, by DEMANDING it.


Ah, got it. Thanks.

I think the disconnect here is that what you see as disrespectful and demanding is what I see as a compatibility issue.

I knew I needed affection and affirmations, not a heavy punishment dynamic nor one heavy on humiliation or degradation. So these were just things I was looking for along with bondage and sex. And I didn't feel that stating what I was looking for was wrong since if I didn't tell anyone then I sure wouldn't get it.

There were men who didn't go for what I go for, in things both on and off the checklists, and when we didn't match up sufficiently I said thanks but no thanks. But I wasn't going into a relationship hoping he might one day be intimate, since I've been in relationships with people incapable of it, and I needed to know he was both capable of it and as interested in it as I was. Just compatibility to me, no different then not being compatible with a vegan.


I'm actually a very happy, affectionate individual. But I know what you mean about good matches-I need about the same level I like to give. It tends to feel smothering and well......vampirish otherwise-if they need more.

_____________________________

I seem to be some wierd combination of Ren and Stimpy

(in reply to Celeste43)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: asking for intamacy too much to ask for? - 10/14/2007 1:32:51 PM   
littleone35


Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline 		I have not read the rest of the replies, buyt i would not accept a relationship without intimacy.  I think a relationship wothout intimacy is kinda empty.  I know some have this kind of relationship and are fulfilled by it.  You are a person not just a sub/slave.  if you need this you should ask your Dom for it.  If he is not willing to give you this, and it is something you need i would talk a hard look at the relationship and see if i could live with out it.  Then make you choice to stay or go.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to RRafe)
Profile   Post #: 40
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