RE: extremely attached (Full Version)

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Lumus -> RE: extremely attached (10/15/2007 10:59:11 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: kitttty

I hate this thread. It's disturbing. How come the subs say they thought they were in love with their first Dom (or extremely attached), at least at the time and the Doms say that they have never been so strongly attached to any sub? How do you get a Dom to fall in love?



Love happens regardless of the type of sex happening.  I have had several subs.  I did fall in love with two of them, and am currently engaged to one.  If you're wondering, I fell in love with them because of who they were, which was/is not dictated by their sexual mores or desires...

Be who you are.  That's the best answer to your question.



kitttty -> RE: extremely attached (10/15/2007 11:32:32 PM)

Well, I suppose someone has to be the sensible one and not become inextricably attached to someone because of sexual compatibility alone. Surprise surprise, the sensible one is the chosen decision maker, the dominant partner.

I'm still sort of angry though. Why don't doms get super attached to their first sub? It's not fair.



BlueAngelEyes411 -> RE: extremely attached (10/16/2007 1:43:58 AM)

I just wanted to thank you all for being so sweet and giving such good advice. I really appreciate itl[:)]



eyesopened -> RE: extremely attached (10/16/2007 1:44:35 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: kitttty

I hate this thread. It's disturbing. How come the subs say they thought they were in love with their first Dom (or extremely attached), at least at the time and the Doms say that they have never been so strongly attached to any sub? How do you get a Dom to fall in love?


Find the right one.

i don't think this situation is a Dominant feature, just one of a lot of heterosexual men in general.  The Dominants who do not fall in love with their submissives aren't seeking to fall in love with 'vanllia' women either.  They don't want to fall in love with anyone.  Does that mean that they never will?  *shrug* who knows?  It's only important to know it up front.  i have had great relationships with Dominants who never wanted to fall in love, i accepted that and that was the only thing we didn't entertain in our relationship.

my Master specifically wanted to find His last slave, the one He could fall in love with and i was seeking to find my last Master, the one i could fall in love with.  Having the same relationship goals is what makes the relationship work.



ExSteelAgain -> RE: extremely attached (10/16/2007 2:13:04 AM)

All said and done, subs and Doms have about the same likelihood of falling in love with their first partner. Realizing that fact takes D/s off of some mystical level where the sub attributes the Dom leaving her to a dynamic present in D/s instead of her not being what he was after. It is not because she wasn’t a good enough slave. He simply didn’t like her enough or they weren’t compatible…however you want to say it.

Going along with that, a Dom who loses a sub he cares for shouldn’t attribute it to his not being a good enough Dom. She simply didn’t care for him enough to make him the king of her life.

That’s why you play with those who are likely to return the type emotions you are after and show you they are moving that way, exactly the same as you would in a vanilla relationship.

If you want love, play with someone who exhibits the same desires. If you want only a whipping good time, find someone who only wants….E-harmony and all that stuff.



bandit25 -> RE: extremely attached (10/16/2007 2:14:52 AM)

I agree.  It's not a dominant nor a submissive feature.  Many don't want to fall in love, many do.



MissMagnolia -> RE: extremely attached (10/16/2007 2:17:25 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: eyesopened

Find the right one.

i don't think this situation is a Dominant feature, just one of a lot of heterosexual men in general. 


And women. I don't NOT want to fall in love, but I've never looked for it either. Love in ANY situation, D's or otherwise, happens when it happens. It can't be stopped, it can't be forced. The last deep long term relationship I had was with a nilla guy, no BDSM element at all. I'm not discounting the possibility of a loving LTR with another guy, sub or nilla. I just haven't come across him yet.



littlebitxxx -> RE: extremely attached (10/16/2007 3:49:05 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: kitttty

Well, I suppose someone has to be the sensible one and not become inextricably attached to someone because of sexual compatibility alone. Surprise surprise, the sensible one is the chosen decision maker, the dominant partner.

I'm still sort of angry though. Why don't doms get super attached to their first sub? It's not fair.


Some do, honey.  I still talk to my ex-Master quite regularly, we are great friends and until recently had remained lovers as well, even though I was released about a year ago.  He has kept up with my search for a Master and supported me along the way.  When I explained several months ago that the reason I hadn't found anyone yet was because none of whom I did find managed to stack up to him (yes, I was comparing them to him) he asked "So why couldn't we make it work?"  We were looking for different things from the relationship.  We had a deep attachment for each other, not romantic love but what I like to call "Master love"  ("sub love" to you Doms) which is similar but diffferent.  So even the Doms can get super attached to their first sub, somewhat like their first teenage love...always holding a special place in their heart.




CreativeDominant -> RE: extremely attached (10/16/2007 12:34:34 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlebitxxx

quote:

ORIGINAL: kitttty

Well, I suppose someone has to be the sensible one and not become inextricably attached to someone because of sexual compatibility alone. Surprise surprise, the sensible one is the chosen decision maker, the dominant partner.

I'm still sort of angry though. Why don't doms get super attached to their first sub? It's not fair.


Some do, honey.  I still talk to my ex-Master quite regularly, we are great friends and until recently had remained lovers as well, even though I was released about a year ago.  He has kept up with my search for a Master and supported me along the way.  When I explained several months ago that the reason I hadn't found anyone yet was because none of whom I did find managed to stack up to him (yes, I was comparing them to him) he asked "So why couldn't we make it work?"  We were looking for different things from the relationship.  We had a deep attachment for each other, not romantic love but what I like to call "Master love"  ("sub love" to you Doms) which is similar but diffferent.  So even the Doms can get super attached to their first sub, somewhat like their first teenage love...always holding a special place in their heart.


Be careful of the dangers of comparison though...you will find that many dominants and submissives (and men and women) do not like the idea that they are being compared to someone that came before.

I made that mistake once...I had a girlfriend whose wonderful qualities I had magnified in my head such that almost every woman I spent time with got compared in my mind to her...usually unfavorably.  In the heat of an argument with a woman I adored but who just was not into something I was into, I made the mistake of saying something along the lines of "you would be perfect if you did this...why can't you?  So and so did".  I never have forgotten the look on her face or the anger in her low voice when she looked right back at me and said "If she was soooooooo fucking perfect...and you two were soooooooo fucking perfect together...then why isn't she here now instead of me?".  She woke me up that night...and walked that same night.
Her words came to me when I was dealing with a "mentor-trained" submissive who loved to recite to me how "Mentor says this is right and this is wrong and you are doing it in a way that he would so disagree with and so do I"...and I finally confronted her with the question "If Mentor is so great and so wondrous and did such a good job of training you to please other dominants, then why is it we spend so much time discussing my faults and foibles...as dictated by your mentor...and not spend time finding OUR way?  And by the way, if he was so perfect and godlike to you, why are you not HIS submissive?"

You can carry around the good stuff that's been taught and all the lovely memories but in the end, something went wrong or people would be with the one who was "perfect" for them.  I carry good from every relationship I have been in but I have also been able to do a fair amount of introspection as to what went wrong and my own part in it and, hopefully, have grown.  And when I start dealing with people, yes...I look for the things I like BUT I also realize that you are not going to find "true" perfection in anyone.  So let's see what this person has that makes THEM right for me.



littlebitxxx -> RE: extremely attached (10/16/2007 1:49:42 PM)

You are very correct, Creative.  Comparisons are not fair to anyone.  I didn't explain very well that the comparisons I made were in the regard of character traits, not personality or style.  Honour, integrity, honesty, openness, mutual respect, etc were the key traits I went looking for and so seldom found.  My ex-Master had a lot of human failings, as we all do, he was definitely not perfect.  But he was a good man and that's what I used as the comparison.  During discussions with my Jarl, I have used experiences with ex-Master as as examples for explanation only because that was the experiences I had.  My Jarl in no way is compared to ex-Master but his honour integrity honesty openness and mutual respect are what drew me to him.  He has them all.  I was not going to just settle, I wanted it all, and it took a long time but I do have it all in Jarl.

Creative, we are on the same page with this one.  Carrying experiences from one to another to help a future relationship is normal.  Carrying the bad or comparing constantly or using the baggage in a detrimental way is not okay. 



rmanrr -> RE: extremely attached (10/16/2007 5:56:26 PM)

Greetings
My woman, further, to use past experiences to explain certain things or to shed light on discussions when other means fail is completely fine and good. I agree that to use past experiences in the manner to compare people as in "so and so did this and I liked it so much better than the way so and so does it" that, is, well simply, stupid. It is demeaning to the person I am with (you) and it quite possibly might diminish trust in the manner that if I were to do so, you might think that "hey, if He likes the way someone else did something better might He not go looking again for that individual or someone else?".  I would rather lose an arm or leg than to diminish what we have. period. JR



proudsub -> RE: extremely attached (10/16/2007 7:26:25 PM)

quote:

Well, I suppose someone has to be the sensible one and not become inextricably attached to someone because of sexual compatibility alone. Surprise surprise, the sensible one is the chosen decision maker, the dominant partner


My first dom fell in love with me but i was never in love with him, just loved what we did together.  He became obsessed with me to the extent of stalking after the relationship ended. 

To the OP--thank you for answering my question about being married.  Have you talked to your husband about your submissive desires?  At first i was afraid to mention it to Hubby, but when we finally discussed it He was eager to become my Dom.  [:)]



SlaveSuru -> RE: extremely attached (10/17/2007 11:03:09 AM)

Blue,  In regards to your questions I can honestly say I am still attached to my first Mistress,  In fact it had caused a few issues with my current Master.  She died suddenly and I never quite felt released even when I removed my collar after her funeral.  When I met my Master I told him so and how I still had loyalty and deep feelings for her.  Luckily we have a wonderful friend who helped me let go of the guilt I had for finding another.  Now I just remeber her with a fond smile and a grateful heart for her guidance and love.



dizzy1 -> RE: extremely attached (10/17/2007 11:17:21 AM)

Hi blue angel
I was married for 18 yrs . i decided my marriage was over and yes im still seeing my master whom i had an affair with, which is why i had to end my marriage. were still seeing each other one year on, but ive become strong, yes i love him, we dont live togeather, but i wouldnt fall apart or want to go back to my vanilla marriage either. Its a very tough decision, it took me a while to know i couldnt continue to lie to my husband and chose my master, but i dont know if hes " the one", but its made me find an inner strenght to work on myself and believe in myself!....good luck i know just how hard it is, this was the one and only time i cheated on my ex and only for 3 mths......it killed me to lie. Hope you have the courage to do what you want, you only get one chance and should grap it, if its what you really want xx



meticulousgirl -> RE: extremely attached (10/17/2007 11:47:59 AM)

it really differs from relationship to relationship some people are just play partners while others are much more serious with their significant others.

The choice is up to you and you have to do what is right for you, none of our opinions or suggestions should really make an impact on what should be your decision.

~meticulous~



affinitysub -> RE: extremely attached (10/17/2007 2:03:34 PM)

Attachment is an interesting thing in D/s. I think some people do cross over from D/s to love. It is an easy thing to do. Communication is very key in situations like those. I think walking away is a good thing if you can not allow it to go any further. The mentally healthy people can separate Dom from boyfriend and all the other possible matches there. I have had very many experiences with just the opposite. My first Female Leather Daddy got very attached to me when I was only interested in the D/s aspects of the relationship. I was very much in love with someone else who was not interested in the lifestyle. So eventually the female Leather Daddy actually attacked me physically and threw me out her back door.
I think like many have probably felt before me, that if I reached across the void, and fell in love with my Master/Dom/Domme and one of us couldn't return it, I would mourn the loss but life would go on. I do hope one day to find a partner that is kinky and interested in the lifestyle as equally as I am. For all those out there searching for that perfect match, I wish you luck! And in the mean time might as well have fun while you are looking!



BlueAngelEyes411 -> RE: extremely attached (10/17/2007 4:19:53 PM)

Thank you for sharing your experience. I am so sorry for your loss. I wish you well and hope things are getting better everyday.
quote:

ORIGINAL: SlaveSuru

Blue,  In regards to your questions I can honestly say I am still attached to my first Mistress,  In fact it had caused a few issues with my current Master.  She died suddenly and I never quite felt released even when I removed my collar after her funeral.  When I met my Master I told him so and how I still had loyalty and deep feelings for her.  Luckily we have a wonderful friend who helped me let go of the guilt I had for finding another.  Now I just remeber her with a fond smile and a grateful heart for her guidance and love.



MidMichCowboy -> RE: extremely attached (10/17/2007 5:49:13 PM)

Sure a Dom can fall in love. I want a relationship that includes love. I don't think this lifestyle precludes love. I don't know why they say it would ruin it. It doesn't mean I don't desire discipline from my lady. I love my kids, but I still punish them when I need to. It doesn't mean I couldn't fulfill her need for pain or whatever. It would make me more interested in filling those needs of hers. It doesn't mean I won't use her to fulfill my need for dominance, ravishment or even any sadistic urges. Who else to placate my urges but the one I love.



slavebrandyj -> RE: extremely attached (10/18/2007 7:25:45 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: kitttty

I hate this thread. It's disturbing. How come the subs say they thought they were in love with their first Dom (or extremely attached), at least at the time and the Doms say that they have never been so strongly attached to any sub? How do you get a Dom to fall in love?


Very good question kitttty. I am a male sub and am wondering the same thing. But of course I believe the wants, needs, motivation of male Doms and female Dommes is different.  In fact, I wish Collarme had a separate "ASK THE SUBMISSIVE/SLAVE" for male subs/slaves and for female subs/slaves.  But that is another topic. Anyone agree?  
But I have come to the conclusion that you can't "make" anyone fall in love with you...lifestyle or vanilla. That is something that either happens or does not. Took me 16 months of giving all I have to find that out. I am further thinking that what I seek is almost impossible to find with a Domme. What I wanted ...and I will not settle for less, is a 24/7 monogamous one on one D/s relationship with a Domme that has the same values when it comes to a partner for life. After reading hundreds upon hundreds of posts and looking at more Domme profiles then you can imagine. I don't see many that are looking for the same thing.
I may have to look elsewhere to find that love. Then if D/s happens,  it happens out of love and a desire on both to forefill the needs of the other.  



Dnomyar -> RE: extremely attached (10/18/2007 10:16:13 AM)

slavebrandyj  There is such a forum. Look in the community disscusion listings. 



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