RapierFugue
Posts: 4740
Joined: 3/16/2006
From: London, England
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quote:
ORIGINAL: TheGirlfriend
How many of you, male or female, have run into the issue of having to teach your boyfriend, girlfiriend, significant other, (fill in the blank) about BDSM, becuase you enjoy it?
I finally realized (and recently admitted to myself) that I enjoy being submissive.  (I know my tag name does not imply that, but I know myself. Eventually I will find "My Lord", and he will love and cherish a submissive partner in life.) I did try to tamp down the feelings and slide back into a vanilla lifestyle, however, I know now that is not going to work.
The challenge that I am running into, is the relationship that I started while trying to be vanilla. He is willing to learn about it, but I don't think he enjoys it for himself. I get the feeling that he will attempt to be "in charge" (sorry, I can't use dominant for him) because I enjoy it, but it will never be something that makes him tick.
What has been your experience with this?
Sincerely welcoming all perspectives....
the girlfriend
I’m Dom, and never switch, so this is a bit “from the other side of the fence”, but …
To me, it seems like two separate questions; one concerns the teaching of someone to do specific things, the other concerns the encouragement (if that’s the correct word) of someone’s dominant side.
It’s a purely personal thing, but I like learning. I’ve been at this a long time, but I don’t know it all, and therefore when I find the opportunity to learn, I enjoy it. I certainly don’t think it makes me less of a dominant if I don’t know a specific thing. As an example, I introduced a little while ago to fireplay, by a mate, at a club. I went from being a bit “what’s the point?” to loving it, in one evening, and the girls I tried it on seemed to love it too. So, if I was involved with a sub/slave and she really liked a specific thing, then I’d be perfectly happy to learn whatever that was, assuming it held any interest for me.
On the wider issue, of bringing out a “side” to someone, here I’m less sure. Again, I’m only Dom, and only ever will be Dom, so I can’t comment on someone “turning” or “developing” that side of themselves, but a while back I did hook up with a girl I really liked, who wasn’t ostensibly into BDSM, therefore you could call it a “mostly vanilla” or “slightly kinky” relationship. It really didn’t work for me; the dynamics were all wrong, and as much as I liked and cared for her, the small part of her that was submissive was not enough to sustain my interest.
Now of course that’s a series of statements based on a sample of one, as it were, but I guess what I’m saying is that, unless he (your boyfriend) gains pleasure and satisfaction from being dominant, I can’t see that side of things ever really going anywhere; again IME (from observing friends), blokes either take to it like a duck to water, or they just end up doing it because their partner wants them to, and without any great interest in it, and where there’s no passion for or in something, then it tends to wane.
All you can do is try, but if you aren’t seeing a positive response now or soon, then I’d respectfully suggest you’re probably going to be banging your head against a brick wall for all time. Note that this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try, just that you should be prepared for your efforts to not succeed.
Best of luck with it though.
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