How do you separate private & public personalities

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

How do you separate private & public personalities

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress >> How do you separate private & public personalities

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

How do you separate private & public personalities - 10/15/2007 9:00:14 AM

flatworm00

Posts: 11
Joined: 7/27/2007
Status: offline

Hi...I am curious as to how the Dominant women of this board separate their personal and public lives. I would think it would be hard not to have your dominant side spillover into your public life. Or do you care? I just noticed that a lot of the dominant women here want total control "behind closed doors", but a vanilla relationship in public...is that hard to do?

Post #: 1

RE: How do you separate private & public personalities - 10/15/2007 9:04:55 AM

DianeB269

Posts: 1596
Joined: 10/30/2006
Status: offline

I have a very normal life outside of the BDSM scene.....It's not hard to be normal in the vanilla world.

Diane

(in reply to flatworm00)

Post #: 2

RE: How do you separate private & public personalities - 10/15/2007 9:08:28 AM

canupleaseme

Posts: 775
Joined: 7/9/2006
Status: offline

I dont find it hard. Our relationship is the same either side of the door I judt dont have him on his lead in public

Really though I wouldnt talk like I do to him sometimes in private in a vanilla setting but then I wouldnt anyway unless someone has pissed me off. He is just the perfect gentlemen as far as other are concerned and I am myself nice, humourous and sometimes bossy but thats how everyone knows me anyway.

_____________________________

Proud mistress

(in reply to DianeB269)

Post #: 3

RE: How do you separate private & public personalities - 10/15/2007 9:18:40 AM

BadJezebel

Posts: 138
Joined: 4/29/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: flatworm00

I just noticed that a lot of the dominant women here want total control "behind closed doors", but a vanilla relationship in public...is that hard to do?

Not at all. Most people modify their behaviors drastically in different settings. For example, the way you present yourself at a job interview is very different from the way you interact with younger siblings and both of those are very different from when you are negotiating the purchase of high-ticket item, like a car and that's still very different from being a student.... Having trouble adjusting to a variety of social situations is very much to your detrimen; not only is it unsophisticated, it is a clear an indication of a lack of social skills.

Frankly, I'm not interested in someone that I wouldn't want to be seen with in public at a coffee shop or dinner. I'm well-known in my community and I'd like to keep people talking about my public versus private affairs.

(in reply to flatworm00)

Post #: 4

RE: How do you separate private & public personalities - 10/15/2007 9:29:33 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: flatworm00

Hi...I am curious as to how the Dominant women of this board separate their personal and public lives. I would think it would be hard not to have your dominant side spillover into your public life. Or do you care? I just noticed that a lot of the dominant women here want total control "behind closed doors", but a vanilla relationship in public...is that hard to do?

Well first of all I don't fuck in public!

Sorry, I am feeling quite sassy this morning.

The truth is that my public and private personas are not very different at all. I have no need for them to be. I suppose it would be different if I was into heavy fetish type play, really got off on that sort of role thing. But I don't. At work, I am the boss....at home, I am the boss. Fairly relaxed and easy going in both arenas. Until I have a reason to be otherwise, that is.

I suppose I behave differently to a degree in different situations, but not alot. Perhaps more quiet and reserved, especially if I am bored, in a social situation. More silly and relaxed around family and close friends, unless I am tired. I am equally as comfortable in a dressy formal affair as I am visiting a campout with the local hillbillies. It is just that different facets shine more brightly at different times.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to flatworm00)

Post #: 5

RE: How do you separate private & public personalities - 10/15/2007 2:04:34 PM

GoddessDustyGold

Posts: 2822
Joined: 4/11/2004
From: Arizona
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: flatworm00

Hi...I am curious as to how the Dominant women of this board separate their personal and public lives. I would think it would be hard not to have your dominant side spillover into your public life. Or do you care? I just noticed that a lot of the dominant women here want total control "behind closed doors", but a vanilla relationship in public...is that hard to do?

What's to separate? Things that are intimate and private remain so, whether vanilla or lifestyle. I do not expect "e" to kneel when I address him in public, and I would not expect him to ask for permission to ksis My toes in public either.
My personality, however, is my personality. I am not a btich on wheels. I am a confident and assured Woman who just does things a little differently in My personal FemDom oriented relationships. That difference is more pronounced when at home and it is appropriate.
I kind of got the impression from reading your post...(see bolded above) that you seem to feel it is necessary for a woman to have a shy and retiring personality in public. Perhaps I misunderstand. Or perhaps you could define "dominant side" for Me.

_____________________________

Dusty
They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
B Franklin
Don't blame Me ~ I didn't vote for either of them
The Hidden Kingdom

(in reply to flatworm00)

Post #: 6

RE: How do you separate private & public personalities - 10/15/2007 2:22:44 PM

MsBearlee

Posts: 1032
Joined: 2/15/2006
Status: offline

I agree with the rest of the ladies here, so far. I'm far more intimate and personal in private. My intimate life is just that...intimate; not public. But then, I was that way even before I discovered BDSM...

Beverly

_____________________________

A must read for submissives! (click here)

This one, as well!

(in reply to GoddessDustyGold)

Post #: 7

RE: How do you separate private & public personalities - 10/15/2007 8:00:36 PM

Imajican

Posts: 39
Joined: 8/6/2007
From: Lincoln, Nebraska
Status: offline

I am who I am regardless of where I am. It's no different than anybody else on the planet who may do certain things in private that they don't do in public.

(in reply to MsBearlee)

Post #: 8

RE: How do you separate private & public personalities - 10/15/2007 8:12:24 PM

mischievousone

Posts: 164
Joined: 8/15/2007
Status: offline

Well, they call me bossy at work, both my brothers call me bossy (even though they are both quite older) but I'm not bossy at home.... I'm demanding.

(in reply to Imajican)

Post #: 9

RE: How do you separate private & public personalities - 10/16/2007 3:29:18 PM

MissSCD

Posts: 1185
Joined: 3/10/2007
Status: offline

Isn't that life as we know it? We all are one thing in the work place, and another in the home. That is how I separate the two.
At work, I am pretty submissive, but with my slave, I am dominant.
You just cannot go walking around here in your leather gear without someone looking at you like you are really strange.

Regards, MissSCD

(in reply to flatworm00)

Post #: 10

RE: How do you separate private & public personalities - 10/16/2007 4:49:54 PM

flatworm00

Posts: 11
Joined: 7/27/2007
Status: offline

On the contrary GoddessDustyGold. I don't think women should be shy at all. I am just wondering if it is hard to separate the two. When you are home you are in total control...(I am assuming that). When you are in public the social mores dictates that women are not "dominant"...that has been part of societies problem for centuries. So when a woman shows any sign of wanting to be in control she is immediately labeled a "bitch"...which in my mind is wrong.
I feel it is much easier for a man to be aggressive in society and then submissive "behind closed doors"... But for a woamn I preceive that as being very difficult...or at least I think it would be...that was what I was looking for. Maybe it is not hard at all, maybe it is very easy to be Miss Goody two shoes in public and then come home and be in total and absolute control. Maybe it is an act that we all play...kind of like Desperate Housewives...

(in reply to MissSCD)

Post #: 11

RE: How do you separate private & public personalities - 10/16/2007 5:46:23 PM

WyckedIndulgence

Posts: 153
Joined: 8/17/2005
Status: offline

My personality is dominant and not something I split between public and private. While, I don't flaunt my proclivities in public, subtle nuances or perhaps not so, are ever present yet only noticable to those who are aware. In my vanilla life I have often been told I have a strong personality yet I have never been referred to as being a "bitch"... at least not openly (lol). There is a difference. One simply needs to know how to express herself so as not to be perceived as such while still getting what she wants, when and how she wants it.

_____________________________

Give it up boy... some days it's just not worth chewing through the restraints!

(in reply to flatworm00)

Post #: 12

RE: How do you separate private & public personalities - 10/16/2007 7:02:44 PM

MstrssPassion

Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: flatworm00

Hi...I am curious as to how the Dominant women of this board separate their personal and public lives. I would think it would be hard not to have your dominant side spillover into your public life. Or do you care? I just noticed that a lot of the dominant women here want total control "behind closed doors", but a vanilla relationship in public...is that hard to do?

Being a dominant is just who I am... there is no "behind closed doors persona"or some sort of transition I have to go through in order to fit in within a public setting.

I y'am what I y'am & that isn't something that is hard to do... it's simply natural

As for being labled as a bitch... that is the response a woman gets when dealing with people who are insecure with their on standing in society. Most people I interavct with socially & professionally respect me & don't have one issue with my authoritive persona... in fact, I have many people tell me that it is something that they really like about me.

< Message edited by MstrssPassion -- 10/16/2007 7:06:53 PM >

_____________________________

MstrssPassion

(in reply to flatworm00)

Post #: 13

RE: How do you separate private & public personalities - 10/16/2007 7:29:34 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I don't really seperate the two much. Of course, certain things are private, but I don't especially think that's where you're going with the question.

At work, I still am who I am. I don't happen to control My workplace. I'm just another co-worker, who happens to have an alternative lifestyle. I still have a Dominant personality, but everyone who works with Me hasn't agreed to accept My collar.

On other levels, friends, family, etc., they all know about My lifestyle. My little poly family knows how to conduct ourselves when out and about. If W/we go to the mall or out for a bite to eat, it's not like I'm beating My submissive or doing other outrageous things. In fact, most people don't bat an eye or see U/us as different than anyone else. The only exception to this is they might notice that one has something different on his neck.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to MstrssPassion)

Post #: 14

RE: How do you separate private & public personalities - 10/16/2007 8:10:49 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

I am myself, everywhere. Being a dominant is who I am, not some costume that I put on and take off. In spite of that, I fully understand that I am not engaged in power exchange relationships with everyone that I meet. It's not hard for me to behave appropriately for whatever situation I am in.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 15

RE: How do you separate private & public personalities - 10/17/2007 9:30:53 AM

RumpusParable

Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: flatworm00

Hi...I am curious as to how the Dominant women of this board separate their personal and public lives. I would think it would be hard not to have your dominant side spillover into your public life. Or do you care? I just noticed that a lot of the dominant women here want total control "behind closed doors", but a vanilla relationship in public...is that hard to do?

I"m one of those that really doesn't have this problem or worry... For my own sense of comfort and happiness, no matter the situation I'm always just "me".

I've many different relationship types, "vanilla" or "lifestyle" or both, out there and active pretty much all the time. In all cases I just act naturally as comes to me with that person and appropriately to the situation we're in.

Whether we're speaking of having lunch with my mother, dealing with a client at school, or going to an amusement park with a slave of mine...

_____________________________

Relationships come and go, but plastination is forever.

I generally use fast-reply. If directing my post at someone specific I will indicate so.

Minimal summary: Artist, Disabled Veteran, Vegan, Pornographer, and Agender dominant female.

(in reply to flatworm00)

Post #: 16

RE: How do you separate private & public personalities - 11/8/2007 1:44:53 AM

LillithWithin

Posts: 48
Joined: 8/19/2005
Status: offline

I am who I am regardless of whether I'm in public or private. I modify my behaviors to suit the environment I'm in. For example, I don't tend to pee on people's desks, as that's a behavior better suited for the loo. I don't tend to smack my partner's ass in front of her grandmother, or wear jammies to the grocery store, or any of countless other behaviors and actions that aren't appropriate to the situation or the environment.

It's normally effortless, although I did have a supervisor a while back that made me want to rethink the whole not peeing on desks thing.

_____________________________

"Suffering becomes beautiful when anyone bears great calamities with cheerfulness; not through insensibility, but through greatness of mind." -- Aristotle

(in reply to flatworm00)

Post #: 17

RE: How do you separate private & public personalities - 11/8/2007 2:18:41 AM

MaamJay

Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline

I am more naturally Dominant in everyday life, most people see Me as a natural leader ... it can aggravating at times when I want to be a follower for a change! I have often been amazed and almost embarrassed when people have gone out of their way to accommodate Me in terms of scheduling meetings etc ... I get My own way without even trying! People in whom I have confided have had no trouble whatsoever in seeing Me as a Dominatrix ... that's been readily accepted with comments like "And I bet you're a good one too!" My choir (I was the Director aka Choir Mistress) used to joke about "Watch out, she'll bring along her whip next week if we don't behave!" and they never ever knew!!

Where they have been utterly boggled (even bdsm friends!) was when they learned that I have a submissive side, and that i am very happy to serve Master. First time i went to serve Him, some of them were taking bets on how long it would be before i said "Get Your own damn tea!" Happily that never happened and hopefully never will! Fortunately Master embraces My Dominant persona and is reasonably happy to let Her take over in some public situations ... although at the core, i am always serving Him by doing that.

In general public We are discreet but also not too worried about my quietly calling Him Master in the supermarket ... and i did kneel to greet Him at the airport one time (after a good look around to ensure there wasn't anyone "sensitive" there!). Didn't raise too many eyebrows. More when He had to help me up again LOL ... my brain was willing but my knees were weak! He's put a ban on that one now LOL! Unless someone designs a portable crane.

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to LillithWithin)

Post #: 18

RE: How do you separate private & public personalities - 11/8/2007 3:31:39 AM

MsCfromMelbourne

Posts: 777
Joined: 2/15/2007
Status: offline

Lots of good points above. All I can add is:

I am lucky to work in a profession where being "a bitch" is an essential quality. Clients expect me to be firm, confident, decisive, persuasive and aggressive in negotiations if necessary. Perhaps dominant women are drawn to these jobs. We aren't afraid of conflict and have a low need to be liked (we prefer respect)

Of course it is never appropriate for women to allow their sex lives (kinky or vanilla) to spill over into the workplace. I learned that lesson the hard way a long time ago!

Ironically, the more I can dominate at home and on weekends, the more I have mellowed at work. I will never be sweet and deferential, but I don't get as emotionally fired up by conflict (power plays) the way I used to before I got BDSM as an outlet 10+ years ago

By the way, you can be dominant in public without being bitchy! Cool, calm, steely determination is far more powerful than bullying, screeching or nagging, in my experience.

Of course most Dommes want a partner who can be "vanilla acting" whenever the occasion calls for it. I could never parade my sub as my partner in professional circles if he did silly things like call me Mistress, wear a leather collar or kneel! To outsiders, he is just a charming, well mannered and attentive younger and very handsome man.

No doubt they all wonder what he sees in me........

_____________________________

<----- Corset, mask and collar designed and manufactured by metalsmith Karl H, chromed and lined in black suede. Masks and collars available from http://www.lucreziadesade.com.au/default.html. Corsets custom made only

(in reply to MaamJay)

Post #: 19

RE: How do you separate private & public personalities - 11/8/2007 5:58:01 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

The biggest difference between me here or in scene and other where is simply that I use those social niceties more and I am consciously aware of the limits of any authority I have.

The biggest thing I do to separate things is that I use different emails for my academic matters and the rest of my life. But I am out to anyone who wants to know in my department. My entire committee knew about my books and lifestyle and they think it actually will be a good thing for me to be as out as I am as a way to help me gauge which university or college I want to go to. I won't put my life into the interviews, frankly questions like that are illegal during interviews, but I also won't hide my kinky family and a goggle search can find my erotica and website so if a department or university/college cares they can find out and then ask me questions.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to flatworm00)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress >> How do you separate private & public personalities

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.203