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People forced out of the public scene - 7/29/2005 6:38:11 PM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		I’ve been debating whether to post this or not.

I was talking to an old friend the other day when he paid a flying visit on his way back down south. To cut a long story short, he’s bee in the lifestyle for some time but never gone public. When he tried to mix in at a few munches he was cold-shouldered and every girl he talked to or made an appointment to meet for coffee he was stood up. Eventually he found out that the problem was a couple of people who he was at odds with through his then sporting club (he was the cause of them being asked to leave when they were drunk), were poisoning other people. That others in the lifestyle would listen and judge him without ever having met him was sad but I guess to be expected. The last straw was when he attempted to attend several play parties and was refused entry with no reason given. I can understand why he has given up on the general scene and prefers to go alone. He accepted a promotion, which had him moving interstate, and has found a girl in a vanilla party situation.

Its such a pity that some people are forced to stay out of the lifestyle and effectively blocked from meeting other kingsters. I curious if others have seen this sort of thing happen. I know I have apart from this case.


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RE: People forced out of the public scene - 7/29/2005 7:02:09 PM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Well and then you have the other side of the coin of people who think its would be the most MARVELOUS idea in the world to have a public black list, and a judge and jury of kinky peers to decide "bad doms fate"

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RE: People forced out of the public scene - 7/29/2005 7:05:03 PM   
quietkitten


Posts: 1082
Joined: 2/5/2005
From: Alberta, Canada
Status: offline 		I find it very unusual that people would blindly accept one or two people's opinions as absolute truth.
I guess it is because I don't accept other people's opinion as fact. I like to make my own assessment and then make up my own mind.

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RE: People forced out of the public scene - 7/29/2005 7:17:38 PM   
stormsfate


Posts: 849
Joined: 2/1/2005
Status: offline 		A lot of groups are more cliquish than a group of highschool girls. I do know someone this happened to in Florida, and I think its downright evil.


f

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RE: People forced out of the public scene - 7/29/2005 7:23:04 PM   
Padriag


Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline
quote:

I curious if others have seen this sort of thing happen. I know I have apart from this case.

Yes. Any group of human beings is apt to a certain degree of "politics". Sometimes it just less of a headache to go your own way.

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RE: People forced out of the public scene - 7/29/2005 7:46:13 PM   
MsPurrmeow


Posts: 261
Joined: 10/30/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Its such a pity that some people are forced to stay out of the lifestyle and effectively blocked from meeting other kingsters. I curious if others have seen this sort of thing happen. I know I have apart from this case.
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Yes, it happens everywhere. Unfortunately, a lot of the people who are victims of this type of manipulation of a community are often innocent. (Yes, I know there are dangerous people, but by far, most of this type of blacklisting is falsified) We have far too many manipulative people that will find any way to reduce the competition of other doms or submissives, even if there was no competition going on in the first place. That is, of course, a problem stemming from self-esteem and ego, but it's still there.

It's important to remember when approached by people trying to "save you from the big, bad guy/gal" that you really SHOULD listen to the gossip. You should listen intently to find out what the speaker has invested in encouraging you to turn your back on this person. Usually gossip has an intent. Quite often, the intent is what the listener should focus on, not the stories being told. Anyone can make up any story they want. If we are working toward a better community, we need to look at intention and goals of those telling the stories.


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RE: People forced out of the public scene - 7/29/2005 8:06:31 PM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		Yep, I know this sort of thing. I’ve copped some myself. Even had one kajira telling everyone that I wasn’t Gorean simply because I did and still do but to a far lesser amount, spend time in on line Gor role-play.. According to her and one other, I’m the most evil bastard in Australia.. Sheesh, all that did was to encourage a few people to want to meet me. I listen to any gossip I’m told and file it away then ascertain the facts as far as I can then make up my own mind. But then I’m a bloody-minded independent sod anyway.

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RE: People forced out of the public scene - 7/29/2005 8:09:58 PM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		It's a bad situation, obviously, but maybe he needs to leave the "scene."

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RE: People forced out of the public scene - 7/29/2005 9:03:25 PM   
mossy


Posts: 189
Joined: 2/21/2005
Status: offline 		Personally i have never heard of anyone forced out of the public scene that i can remember. That was it was so long ago that i went to those meetings, groups etc. Bear.
It's disheartening to hear what happened to this Man, but i was not there myself, and i don't know what actually happened, so theres not much i can say to be of any help. The group i went to the commraderie was good for the most part, i really enjoyed the demos and learning new things. It could be quite exciting at times. i did however take serious issue with the gossip. Name calling, back stabbing, negativity. Nope, not for me. Even though those people were not in the majority, it just seemed that in the "spirit" of trying to get the group to run "right"much was being done that made my conscious feel "wrong".
i just don't believe in mentioning names, i may have been very vocal lately in what may seem a "negative" way to some, but, no one knows who i am talking about. Many have tried. None have succeeded. Not where not who. It's my story, about me, not anyone else. oh well nite.

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RE: People forced out of the public scene - 7/29/2005 9:09:10 PM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

It's a bad situation, obviously, but maybe he needs to leave the "scene."


If the "scene" is the local scene where he had the problems, Ayep he's already done that when he took the promotion and moved interstate. The problem is it can be called that, is his wariness of making approaches to the scene in his new home city. Perhaps its a case of once bitten, twice shy. However he is happily esconced with his new sub and I understand training her slowly. I guess I have a problem with cliques who have a "mob" mentality. But that too is common enough in many areas of our lives quite outside the scene.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to Lordandmaster)
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RE: People forced out of the public scene - 7/29/2005 10:05:43 PM   
brightspot


Posts: 3052
Status: offline 		I am glad that here at CM pointing fingers is
not accepted, "GO to the Mods".

Anybody that had an issue coud smear anyone Un-Fairly. (Not Cool)
There would be so much chaos!

I think it is really a shame when it happens in your community,
I have experienced this first hand, not that I have been Blacklisted,
but I met a woman who I had a few dates with and spent a weekend with
and decided it was not what I wanted.

She was Vanilla and I told her of my
interest in exploring WIITWD. She was upset with my not wanting to be
with her and she started to use Stalking behaviors to get my attention.

She even started to explore WIITWD too, to try and be with me and eventually
became involved. As did I and met a woman from another state.

I rue the day that I "spiked" her interest because she now is into WIITWD
and is susposidly out with-in the community. I when I am back home would like to be more involved with the community here. But because of her behaviors I fear going to local events.

Back to OP, she would probably try and approch me and if I rejected her advances...I would probably be UN-Fairly given the cold shoulder in some circles.

SUCKS

*Brightspot



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RE: People forced out of the public scene - 7/29/2005 10:16:23 PM   
FelinePersuasion


Posts: 4792
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline 		I have a problem with a few people. some from here. I took a ride down to SF with a wonderfull dom his slave an another rider n my bf an myself, well we'll call her the other sub, she didn't like how muchthe drivers sub n I talked, so she told every one not to give me rides any more cause I talked to much and I was ungratefull, and I wouldn't help with toll or gas or anything, and the whole way home she tried to start fights muttering shit under her breath.


And another on a tea group took it apon herself to tell people not to come to any events I hosted since I lived at home, which is true, and abunch of lies about other stuff, like I drag my parents to kink events they have no buisness being at an make them wait outside th door of the meeting room. and being new to the group every one jumped on the ooooooooh nooooooooooooooooo don't trust the new person at home. if I'd said something like that abvout her or that she was old or something as rude as she had been she'da had her granny pannies in a knot.


The local "scene" can be more vicious ad back stabber'est than regular people.

< Message edited by FelinePersuasion -- 7/29/2005 10:21:15 PM >

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RE: People forced out of the public scene - 7/29/2005 10:37:20 PM   
MsPurrmeow


Posts: 261
Joined: 10/30/2004
Status: offline 		The funny stories, though can really be brain-teasers.

One pseudo-Dom eavesdropped on a conversation I was having once where I was explaining how direct deposit worked and another conversation about the fact that I take care of the finances in the family. He distorted that one and tossed out a widespread story about me being a "Money Domme".

Another rumor that goes around is about me being a "PrEdAtor" or that I "steal other people's subs". These came about from an episode where I offered a new unowned and uncollared submissive help in acquiring transportation to an event if he wanted to go. Apparently it was a woman in the group who thought she owned this guy that started that rumor. Heck, HE didn't even know she was seriously interested, (nor did he have any interest in her) so of course, no one else did. See what I got for being helpful?

Those stories people tell can be seriously convoluted. In this lifestyle, we expose our soft spots sometimes too easily, and those that need to find something to manipulate have easy pickin's. That combined with the fact that so many newbies react so strongly to particular programmed buzzwords makes it an easy field to play, and a hard field in which to protect one's reputation.


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RE: People forced out of the public scene - 7/29/2005 10:54:41 PM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Padriag

quote:

I curious if others have seen this sort of thing happen. I know I have apart from this case.

Yes. Any group of human beings is apt to a certain degree of "politics". Sometimes it just less of a headache to go your own way.


I think it's often worse in the BDSM scene/local community dynamics. Especially if it's a group that all know each other pretty well and there's a sort of "pecking order" and already some drama in place. It's especially difficult for a single, attractive woman to integrate. People may argue that such a woman would be a welcome addition, but in reality the existing women are often suspicious, jealous and competitive. The men climb over one another to be the first one to have a shot at her since she's single. The women get more jealous of the attention she receives.

The combination of the animosity of the women and the overly aggressive men drive the newcomer away.

Akasha

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RE: People forced out of the public scene - 7/30/2005 1:40:11 AM   
GentleLady


Posts: 356
Joined: 2/1/2005
Status: offline 		I have seen the same thing happen at one of the Brisbane clubs. I was warned that they are a very cliquish bunch so I have been delaying applying for membership. One of My close Friends has already pissed them off and is being given the cold shoulder so I expect a similar treatment based solely on association.

Gentle Lady

< Message edited by GentleLady -- 7/30/2005 1:41:53 AM >

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RE: People forced out of the public scene - 7/30/2005 1:52:18 AM   
LdyAuburn


Posts: 179
Joined: 5/9/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GentleLady

I have seen the same thing happen at one of the Brisbane clubs. I was warned that they are a very cliquish bunch so I have been delaying applying for membership. One of My close Friends has already pissed them off and is being given the cold shoulder so I expect a similar treatment based solely on association.

Gentle Lady

In one way though arent you also listening to heresay?


regards

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RE: People forced out of the public scene - 7/30/2005 2:27:41 AM   
GentleLady


Posts: 356
Joined: 2/1/2005
Status: offline 		Yes LdyAuburn, You are quite correct. I am judging the club based on the gossip of others. I have two other Friends who are active members in that club so I believe that My membership will be accepted....just hesitant about how the social dynamics will play out after it is. However, I do not mix well with cliques and have been totally bored both times I attended. At a third function the only interaction I was involved in was with the submissive I brought for that purpose.

Gentle Lady

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RE: People forced out of the public scene - 7/30/2005 3:40:01 AM   
MsBlackheart


Posts: 54
Joined: 7/27/2005
From: Memphis TN
Status: offline 		I'm sorry when this happens to the good people, and by mistake, envy or emnity, but communicating about people is a safety issue. We depend on references, or it should work out that way.

I know a woman who was forced to leave the local scene after she was assaulted (forced into sex) by a dom new to the local scene. She left because he was not forced to leave. He went on to make a big enough ass of himself that he was eventually "blacklisted", but there are at least three women out there who were hurt by him that I know of, and probably more, scattered over three states.

IMO a group's function should also include the safety of its numbers. We can't do public lists, leaving word-of-mouth as the only option. Agreed, look at the intent, and consider whether what you hear is worth repeating. If the word had spread from this guy's first victim, others might have been spared.

-MsB

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RE: People forced out of the public scene - 7/30/2005 5:57:05 AM   
Sabella


Posts: 265
Joined: 7/26/2005
Status: offline 		:::jaw drops:::

What is the best way to stay out off all this, yet still participate in the groups, especially a new group? The crowd we hung out with years ago wasn't like this! There were members who didn't like each other & some snarky gossip but nobody CARED, we were still a big Addam's Family & stuck together damnit!

oi

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RE: People forced out of the public scene - 7/30/2005 6:45:42 AM   
RosaB


Posts: 852
Joined: 1/10/2005
Status: offline 		It really is a shame, I too know of someone that was forced to resign from a very popular group in the SC. And speaking of cliques, this board has them as well. Don't believe me? Watch yourself get shut out for saying something disagreable to the wrong person.

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Profile   Post #: 20
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