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mta -> A Dilemma - maybe it won't end sad (10/15/2007 2:46:11 PM)
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Short intro: I'm 47, my ex turns 50 on Halloween. We've been together for 30 years (if you don't count the divorce). We've been outwardly kinky since I "came out" to him 15 years ago, and we were 50's style D/s before that. We weren't trying to be kinky . . . we were just doin' what came naturally to us. ;)
I love this guy and I can’t help it. He’s a great guy – got the kindest heart and the sweetest spirit a girl could want. Some people might think that I’m stupid asking this question in a “master” forum, but they’re idiots, and I am not. This guy drives me balls-to-the-walls crazy with stuff (maybe that should be ovaries to the walls), especially financial stuff. Like, if he gets a water bill – he can pay it, but he doesn’t until they threaten to turn the water off. Same with property taxes and insurance … GOD, maybe I really need a shrink. A bit of history:
We were married for close to 30 years. Like I said, I really like him a lot – there is a great deal to like. I got past the financial stuff because I’m a sneaky sub … I paid bills in secret. We bought a house that … to say it was a fixer-upper would be a massive understatement, but we bought it 10 years ago thinking that we would fix it up. I left my “ex” almost three years ago. It’s not that I didn’t or don’t both like and love him – it’s just that I’m a home person. I’m not the sort who goes out much and the like. I feel like I am responsible for my home. But I dunno what to do with a home where floors rot and there is water in the basement and the foundation is iffy and floors sink and … YIKES! The kitchen is downright disgusting, the bathroom would likely be condenmed.
And he thinks he should be able to fix it (although half of the contractors I’ve talked to scratch their heads and ask ME what to do), but he doesn’t have time anyway and never did. He works really hard outside the home – long hours. I think we have a plan in place to fix it. I think it could work. I think we could love that house. I have money to fix it. I want to fix it.
Our kids are long-since adults (though still living at home at the ages of 26 and 28 – another one of the issues that I cannot stand but he’s always just puts up with. We’ve negotiated and they’ve been given a deadline of April 1 to be out.). My ex still sucks with bills.
He is a nice guy in most every way you could imagine. His one vice (other than me) is beer, he works very hard – 50 hours per week. He’s part owner of a business that is makin’ bank. In the home, he really reeks at being a responsible businessman. We’ve been separated 2 and half years, and I learned today that the IRS had sent him a notice to file for judgment on taxes for 2003. I always filed my taxes on time and always paid them. They found something wrong on taxes for 2003 . . . but I left him in April 2004 and wasn’t getting the notices. My ex never told me. I went today to help him with his taxes, and he gave me a stack of paper … fuck, he never even warned me.
You’d think that a notice of intent to file for judgment would be memorable, would be significant – especially if someone you cared about was named on it but knew nothing about it. Crap.
So I worked these three three years to get my credit rating up to a respectable level and did finances the way *I* would do them (since I was on my own) – and it’s been so much better. Then I saw that notice and felt ambushed. I felt side-swiped, like I’d walked into a land mine.
We had agreed when discussing reconciling that I would be both bookkeeper and secretary – THAT IS WHAT I DO – I like organizing and number-crunching … call me perverted! I understand that he hates, hates, hates this stuff. But he kept telling me that there were no financial secrets anymore. He’s no big spender, he’s just really bad at acknowledging where he stands financially. He hates paying money to people. Who doesn’t? He makes a decent living, and there is no reason that he need to be living in this kind of uncertainty and anxiety … other that he hates dealing with it. I do NOT mind dealing with it, but I won’t tolerate watching my dom (and the love of my life) financially side-swipe himself over and over again … and me along with him. It’s just too hard – it makes me all crazy and anxious and deeply depressed.
Master-wise, well – we’ve got all the toys and goodies – I do (and always have) bring him meals and coffee and whatever I perceive he wants in addition to whatever he openly says. He’s very fun and smacks me around (on the fleshy butt and leg parts) out of sheer joy. We have D/s sex because it rocks and we love it. I’m no slave though (indebted by something somewhere that made me give my life away or whatever) – it’s all fueled by joy. So is sex. So is B&D and all that good stuff.
And we’re good at having fun with each other … wanna drive on the edge of cliff, race around in a fast boat, sit naked in a lithium spring, snorkel, parasail, zip line, take a helicopter ride and land on top of a glacier – then run around up there for awhile … WE LOVE THAT STUFF!
We really suck at the grownup stuff – the inability to deal with money stuff is killing us – and please understand that it is NOT the inability to pay that is hurting us. Years ago, we lived robbing Peter to pay Paul, and even pawned a TV set for baby formula. But what’s happening now is different – we could simply pay Paul and be done with him.
Any debt (that I know of) to IRS or state taxes was paid as of 2 pm today. I still feel really betrayed and untrusting. I don’t want to do this anymore. It feels hopeless to me … I don’t want to put myself out there again. But it’s not like he’s got a gambling problem or a drug problem or anything like that. He’s just plain irresponsible. I told him that counseling is no longer an option. It’s a non negotiable part of reconciling, so said subbie li’l me. <sigh>
Is there any hope for us?
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