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iammachine -> RE: changing profile (10/16/2007 12:32:15 PM)
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quote:
When I have concerns (things don't feel right) and I try to ask about them, I'm told that I'm questioning him and not trusting and that he doesn't like that. I have even mentioned the profile thing and was just kinda ignored.
Due to some heartaches in my past (in vanilla world), I tend to not trust people as much as I shoud. I also have lost trust in my instinct due to those times. I'm trying to get both back, but it's hard.
Looks like a duck.... waddles like a duck... quacks like a duck.... leaves green shit lying around like a duck...
Clearly, it must be a pidgeon? [;)]
I hear ya about having a hard time with trust. I also hear ya on the second guessing yourself, due to histories.
But I have a secret that a little bird once told me: No matter how insecure you feel, or how badly you want to second guess yourself, you should never ignore what your instincts are telling you. People might lie to you, but you should never lie to or delude yourself.
Your instincts... tend to not lie. You might be wrong from time to time, but you should give yourself the opportunity to be proven wrong. Don't just brush your concerns aside, and later deal with the pain of your instincts being proven right.
Damn do I hate it when I'm right.
Anyway, for what it's worth from my perspective in the peanut gallery, this guy is sending up red flags all over the place for me.
Here's a little bit of my perspective.
- He contacted you, suggesting you as a primary from the get go, without knowing you. Anyone that suggests that kind of intimacy from a stranger is immediately suspect to me, and I question how realistic their goals are, nevermind if their motives are genuine even.
- Before building any foundation at all with this stranger (you) that he claims (to you, anyway) as a primary, he's sending you off to troll other women for him, against your better judgement.
- He's smokescreening, he's refusing to communicate with you. He's using an authoritarian attitude without being willing or able to substantiate or justify his orders.
- As a side effect of the above, he is essentially demanding that you trust him, without earning said trust.
- When you question him, he pulls the "You don't trust me." card, which is a flashing, neon, red sign. There's a quote that I like, "Never trust a man that says 'trust me.'" It has served me quite well.
Trust is not something that you can command someone to have, in mine book. Oh sure, someone can have a presence about them that commands the trust of those around them. That's really just a poetic way of saying they have a trustworthy demeanor - which implies that the way they are has some spiffy keen way of inspiring (earning) trust.
Yeah, all this guy seems to inspire for me is "quack quack quack". [;)]
You're not comfortable, you have every reason to be. This guy wants you to do things that don't resonate with you (right now at least). This guy by my standards, is putting the cart before the horse. Your instincts are screaming at you, are you listening?
I'm not a trusting person, there's no secret in that. In the same right, I am not a suspicious person. I try to make it a point to take people at face value until I am given a reason not to. I definitely am not one to have wool over my eyes, and I tend to take notice when things don't add up. I have a lot of practice with digging beneath a demeanor (I'm analytical to a fault by nature...) and reading between the lines when I need to (you learn a lot living with an alcoholic). If the talk doesn't match the walk.... damn skippy I notice. I think you might notice, too, but you don't quite trust yourself even.
It's a matter of show and tell. Talk is cheap, you can tell someone that they can trust you until you are blue in the face, but it doesn't mean shit if you can't show them why they should trust you. You can tell someone to trust you, and all that is probably doing is showing them why they shouldn't.
Ignoring what your instincts tell you, well, that is just quackers. [;)]
So for you, what I have to offer... is a pillar of salt.
Good luck. Do what ya gotta do, and do it for you, no one else. You mention being new to the community (welcome!), a lot of people will tell you a lot of different things. If it resonates with you then it's right for you, don't let anyone convince you otherwise, ultimately you're responsible for what's best for yourself.
Oh, and put away the duck call. [;)]
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