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It is fair to be annoyed? - 10/16/2007 5:54:36 AM

PrettyOHDomme

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I met a new sub for the first time, and he didn't bring a gift.

Now, I'm not the type that demands tribute, or expensive baubles, or even always paying for dinner.

However, he knew that my birthday was last weekend. I had also mentioned having a small gift for him. We've e-mailed and talked on the phone extensively, and we've grown quite close over the past few weeks.

Was it unreasonable to expect a small trinket? Should I have spelled out the expectation? Am I incorrect in thinking this is customary?

Every other sub I've met brought me a gift...

As always, thoughts are appreciated.

-Miss Ellen

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RE: It is fair to be annoyed? - 10/16/2007 5:58:20 AM

Lashra

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Perhaps he may have thought that by bringing you a gift you would have viewed it as him trying to "buy" his way into your favor. I am just guessing here mind you. Then again perhaps he did not feel that you knew each other well enough to buy a gift. Or maybe he just is not the gift giving type. Who knows?

I personally do not expect anything other than some conversation when meeting a potential sub, although if they do bring something it is a pleasant surprise.

~Lashra

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RE: It is fair to be annoyed? - 10/16/2007 6:04:10 AM

MamaDomme

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I agree with Lashra, again.

I try not to set up any expectations other than just meeting and getting to know a person. No gifts are ever expected, but I am very pleasantly surprised when they do come.

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RE: It is fair to be annoyed? - 10/16/2007 6:06:46 AM

PrettyOHDomme

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Sigh...

Thank you, Lashra. You are correct; I should not have expected any more than conversation. Which was lovely, by the way.

I didn't say anything to him, because I wasn't sure it was a fair response.

I need to go do work-type stuff, but I'll be back.

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RE: It is fair to be annoyed? - 10/16/2007 6:08:42 AM

RumpusParable

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Being as it was a first meeting, I do think it's silly to be bothered by it.

Now, if this was an agreed apart part of a dynamic that was being started... as in an "order" to bring something, anything, as a trinket and he didn't then I could see being displeased.

But it sounds like you two just planned to finally meet and you'd mentioned a potential exchange of small items? Were you clear in stating that this was expected or did you just mention the idea or hint?

If there wasn't some style of clear expression of intent (one-sided or two-way gifting clearly laid out as planned) then I think it's a nothing. Like I said, in that case it seems really silly to be bothered... short of a plan that he broke, a small gift on meeting someone is a very nice thing to receive but not to be expected.

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RE: It is fair to be annoyed? - 10/16/2007 6:09:49 AM

MsFirerose

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You have said it so eloquently Lashra that I have little to add but my own experience with a sub. It happen to be his birthday and we had just recently (a period of about 3-4 weeks) been in contact with one another. While my gifts for a subs birthday tend to be mischievious in nature, I only gave him a card the first year. I did not feel that our relationship had developed to a point for either one of us to select a gift with any meaning. Of course, the second year with a new flogger as his birthday gift.............

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RE: It is fair to be annoyed? - 10/16/2007 6:24:54 AM

Celeste43

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Was he required to bring anything? No. Does it show a certain uncaring to not at least get you a birthday card? Yes. If you're looking at this as to judging whether or not he's the type to do small, sweet things, then you've got your answer. He isn't. If you're thinking of him as a sub to help with lawn work, car repair then you shouldn't also be expecting him to be good with gift giving, saying all the right things, going shopping with you etc.

Five Languages of Love type stuff, decide which of those are your priorities and look for someone who fits your style.

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RE: It is fair to be annoyed? - 10/16/2007 7:26:24 AM

thetammyjo

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Interesting.

All I ever expect from a first meeting is that we each pay for our own food and that we each show up on time.

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RE: It is fair to be annoyed? - 10/16/2007 7:30:35 AM

crouchingtigress

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i agree with celest witht the caveat being that IMO typically men need to learn to bring gifts, often at a younger age, but still it is not a inate response...however after a few years it becomes so.

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RE: It is fair to be annoyed? - 10/16/2007 7:45:12 AM

chiaThePet

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Expectation breeds disappointment.

In my opinion, the first meeting, all other things aside (belated birthday,
your gift for him) would warrant a polite, courteous acknowledgement
of you. Even a single rose of your favorite color, a poetic verse of
adoration wrapped and tied with ribbon around the stem, would cost
next to nothing, but would speak to a bounty of manners.

Some boys will get it, some will need polishing, some will need a swift kick,
that you can expect.

chia* (the pet)

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RE: It is fair to be annoyed? - 10/16/2007 7:57:28 AM

MsSophie

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From: Stockholm, Sweden
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Where I come from it is considered rude to show up, invited as a guest, to someone's house without bringing something with you. When I see a client I don't expect them to bring anything but the agreed fee, but if someone is coming as a friend, potential partner or just to get to know me I find it bad manners not to bring something. Doesn't matter what it is! Maybe it's a pack of bisquits to go with the tea, a bottle of wine for the meal... something small is quite sufficient.

Had I, however, met them out for a cup of coffee, or something, I wouldn't have expected anything. Though, given it was your birthday I think he could have brought some flowers at least. Anyway, now you know where he stands on the thoughfulness scale...

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RE: It is fair to be annoyed? - 10/16/2007 10:39:21 AM

LadyHibiscus

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I am all over the board with this one. I have often had new prospects bring me flowers (just little arrangements, not a dozen roses) or some small token on a first meeting, and I think that's really nice and thoughtful. A card for your birthday would have been nice, but a sincere "Many happy returns" would have been fine too.

Yes, expectations breed disappointment, but expectations are a kind of standard, right? I expect them to pay for my freakin coffee or iced tea, or if I am there already, offer to get me another one. IMO, tiny bits of cheapness can be an indicator of whether I am a person, or a life support system for a strap-on. Granted, the conversation is more important!

So, I wouldn't rest too much important on the lack of gift. Proper attention is the best gift of all, in the long run.

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RE: It is fair to be annoyed? - 10/16/2007 10:54:13 AM

MsBearlee

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I agree that generally a first meet is about lunch. Period...and I always offer to pay for my own. I'm tickled pink when they insist. I also agree that a small gift is a good idea, and that most submissives need to be taught this; even though he knew it was your birthday.

On the upside...since things are going so swimmingly, you have something to tease him unmercifully about! <big grinz> I believe punishment is for play...and boy oh boy do you have some good ammunition!!!

LOL,
B

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RE: It is fair to be annoyed? - 10/16/2007 11:38:12 AM

PrettyOHDomme

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Thank you, everyone, for the responses.

It would probably be unreasonable to be actually upset, although I do like the idea of holding it over his head. (Thanks, B.

)

Everything else went well, so I will just be happy about meeting a rather sweet person.

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Post #: 14

RE: It is fair to be annoyed? - 10/16/2007 11:50:06 AM

AquaticSub

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~Fast Reply~

Considering that your birthday had already passed, I wouldn't have expected anything. Not everyone is used to cards for every occasion as some families just don't exchange them. If he simply doesn't regard cards or little presents as a big deal, it may have never occured to him to get one for an event that had already passed.

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RE: It is fair to be annoyed? - 10/16/2007 12:15:59 PM

Aimtoplease101

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From: San Diego, California
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Just a note about men in general, coming from one.

Spell it out for us--please!

Although with experience we begin to think of these things on our own, or at least learn to ask the right questions, please do everyone a huge favor and keep it simple for us. When we start getting into the mind games with ourselves ("if I don't bring her something, she'll think I'm cheap or rude ... but if I bring her something, she'll think I'm treating this like pay for play ... oh what shall I do???") we get ourselves into serious trouble.

He's a sub, you're a Domme-- Give him instructions, at least the first few times until he gets it and learns what to expect. You'll be happy that he satisfied your expectations, and he'll be happy that he made you happy.

It's not too different from training dogs, really.

Regards, ATP

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RE: It is fair to be annoyed? - 10/16/2007 1:17:20 PM

iammachine

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As wonderful as some subs may be, they are not psychic. If you gave no indication that you wanted a gift, I wouldn't fault him for not meeting that expectation.

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RE: It is fair to be annoyed? - 10/16/2007 1:27:53 PM

AAkasha

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Aimtoplease101

Just a note about men in general, coming from one.

Spell it out for us--please!

Although with experience we begin to think of these things on our own, or at least learn to ask the right questions, please do everyone a huge favor and keep it simple for us. When we start getting into the mind games with ourselves ("if I don't bring her something, she'll think I'm cheap or rude ... but if I bring her something, she'll think I'm treating this like pay for play ... oh what shall I do???") we get ourselves into serious trouble.

He's a sub, you're a Domme-- Give him instructions, at least the first few times until he gets it and learns what to expect. You'll be happy that he satisfied your expectations, and he'll be happy that he made you happy.

It's not too different from training dogs, really.

Regards, ATP

A generous spirit and nature is not something that can be taught, I believe.
A person either is or isn't. Someone used the example of bringing a gift *any time* you are invited into someone's home -- this is true. Some people know to do that because that's their way. You can tell someone to bring gifts, you can suggest it, hint at it -- but then what's the point? You don't feel like it was from the heart, and if you have to constantly remind someone that it's the right thing to do, forget it.

My suggestion to the OP is to not let it bother you and just drop it -- but if this kind of generous spirit is something important to you, realize that it would be missing with this gentleman. Measure it against all the other criteria. You can't "train" a guy to be thoughtful.

Akasha

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RE: It is fair to be annoyed? - 10/16/2007 1:29:18 PM

canupleaseme

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I think it would be unreasonable to act upset because you didnt say he should bring one. But I would feel a bit disapointed I guess rather than annoyed. There have been times when I figured it would happen and almost expected it. I have to remind myself sometimes that I occasionally expect too much and some people just don't realise how much that gestured would have shown you. On the other hand they are not mind readers lol.
I guess I am saying its a tricky one but I would of probably felt something too

Vent it out here and then enjoy the fact that everything else went really well by the sounds of it

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RE: It is fair to be annoyed? - 10/16/2007 1:40:38 PM

LadyHibiscus

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
/snippage/

A generous spirit and nature is not something that can be taught, I believe.
A person either is or isn't. Someone used the example of bringing a gift *any time* you are invited into someone's home -- this is true. Some people know to do that because that's their way. You can tell someone to bring gifts, you can suggest it, hint at it -- but then what's the point? You don't feel like it was from the heart, and if you have to constantly remind someone that it's the right thing to do, forget it.
You can't "train" a guy to be thoughtful.

Akasha

I heart Akasha.

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