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Switching in an ltr - 10/18/2007 2:58:08 AM

laurell3

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My primary identity is a sub and this is part of me I don't think I can deny indefinitely and be happy. However, I am in the process of being in a relationship with a male sub. I don't do poly and I believe in fidelity within a relationship. Unfortunately, I'm not comfortable switching within a relationship and when I have tried it, I have found one of the roles to be really lacking and not enjoyable but more roleplay. My thought is that I identify with the person in their primary role and can't change that perception.
So you see my quandry....I know, I've painted myself into a corner. Is there any way to get out?

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RE: Switching in an ltr - 10/18/2007 4:27:57 AM

laurell3

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Since I'm past the point of editing, I should add, I'm really liking this corner immensely.

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RE: Switching in an ltr - 10/18/2007 7:10:52 AM

SunNMoon

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Hi Laurell,

You’re happy right now so, I’d say a few things. Go with it for now.

Just some things to think about. Why do you feel that with him it will feel like something is lacking in your roles if you switched with him? Also as importantly how does he feel about topping? And if it does feel like role play, what do you need to have to fill your submissive desire? Just to think about.

The other idea which I am considering depending on who I end up with is, having just a friendship with a Dom (maintaining monogamy) which I can express my submissive desires when they a rise.

But really if your happy just go with it and cross this bridge when it happens.

:)
Kat

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RE: Switching in an ltr - 10/18/2007 7:13:13 AM

laurell3

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A primarily submissive top just doesn't work for me, although honestly, I've never had this come up in an ltr situation before, so it might be different. Thanks though.
l

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RE: Switching in an ltr - 10/18/2007 7:26:25 AM

SunNMoon

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Hi,

Hmm…I’d say just wait it out someone that is a switch but is only dom or sub should be posting. I’m a switch within my relationships, so I’m not sure what advice to give. I do hope it’s different in the long term.

I’m happy that you found someone.

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"We agreed to S&M only, sex and mockery." - Gray’s Anatomy.

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RE: Switching in an ltr - 10/18/2007 7:46:03 AM

laurell3

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It's still a maybe thing, but thanks again.
l

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RE: Switching in an ltr - 10/18/2007 8:08:18 AM

LadyLynx

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Maybe wait for someone who identifies as a Dom, but likes to switch. A couple that I am friends with does that. He is still in charge of the relationship, but she loves having her wicked way with him.

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RE: Switching in an ltr - 10/18/2007 4:11:39 PM

Driver752

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My SO and I switch and play with each other on a regular basis but both of us identify as primarily submissive. I admit that this situation is a struggle for us. We have both discovered that having other play partners help us get our needs met if we arn't toppy enough. In our relationship by default, I am her submissive. I belong to a kinky fraternity of sorts as a submissive while my partner has a couple of Doms she plays with on a regular basis. I have been topping her more often lately; and have been learning how to please my partner. I have just enough devious in me to give her the kind of experience she is looking for... But I don't have enough to do it well all the time, hence the need for the outside partner. Also we recently went to a party where we were both submissive and had a very nice time. I don't know if there is any secret to success except to try to pleaese your partner and be honest about what you want and be ready to give that up once in a while to give you parter what they need.

- Driver

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RE: Switching in an ltr - 10/18/2007 10:03:11 PM

laurell3

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I'm going to edit my previous response to tell you that he does in fact like to top, (as he wanted me to point it out having read this thread), however, I'm not all that comfortable with it. I realize there's no absolute answer and we're just going to have to see how it goes and thank you for your responses.
l

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RE: Switching in an ltr - 10/19/2007 3:38:01 AM

tulitukka

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I'm a bit curious, why do you think you're not comfortable with him topping? It might b e that you need more communication.

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RE: Switching in an ltr - 10/20/2007 8:42:57 AM

laurell3

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We really have no problem communicating and the issue isn't him topping it's the amount of intensity and mental stimulation I need as a sub. I am willing to try switching with him, I was just looking for some suggestions and feedback.
l

< Message edited by laurell3 -- 10/20/2007 9:25:08 AM >

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RE: Switching in an ltr - 10/31/2007 4:47:27 PM

Mercurialdame

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Hi laurell3
Im a switch, i live my life now, as a 24/7 sub to my Sir. we are monogamous. We dont play with others, full stop, not even in a non sexual way.
Ive experienced poly in the past, and had my needs met that way. Now, that avenue is not open for me.
this is how i cope
1. i have a dom, that understands that im not 100% submissive. That is flexible in how 'strict' shall we say, he is. Somedays, its not wise to try to get all domly on me.
Other days, i need to be told to pull my head in. We compromise. And accept, that had he wanted someone with a submissive persona, he should of chosen one. But he wants the all thinking, all doing sub. That's independant, doesnt need micromanaging articulate type.
2. I train dogs. How fucking sad is that lol But i will have a obedient something. And i actually can get quite a fix, from seeing whatever dog im working with, come good with good training. (im definately not referring to beastiality here!) just dog training.
3. I have a career, where im in charge. I get a lot of usage for my dominant streak this way. And learn to enjoy, being able to come home, and take off the bosses hat.
4. We have special nights. Symbolised by a ritual that greets him. These nights, are not D/s. They are 'vanilla' nights. I get to play whatever way i choose. Much like a vanilla wife who's rather kinky would. I get a kick out of driving him nuts, keeping him on the edge. Tipping him into orgasm when 'i' say so. He gets his rocks off, i get to top. Simple. This form of play is only sensation. There is however, no powerexchange dymamic.
Sometimes, the top energy rises, and i get a bit much. They are phases, and can be got through. Having done poly, i know that i can take it. I also know that for some, its disasterous, this would be the case for my partner. So we dont go there.
Am i settling for less?
i live with a man who'm i love
a man that loves me immensley
a man that has stuck by me through some awful experiences, and visa versa
No, im settling for a bdsm D/s relationship, that is very loving. I may not be getting all my needs met, but the real ones for me, are there. And that's what counts for me.
your mileage maybe different.

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