Forgive me for sounding stupid... (Full Version)

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submissfifi -> Forgive me for sounding stupid... (10/18/2007 11:12:49 AM)

Hi, I'm relatively new to all this, although I have chatted with a lot of kinky people, made some great friendships too. I'm here because I like this site for its community/fourms. So my stupidly navie question is this, what should a submissive/slave expect from a dominat partner or/and relationship?

What do you give to your dominant? and what do you get in return? Having never had one of these relationships yet, I'm feeling that perhaps I'm not understanding it aswell as I should.

Is there anything different that you expect from this kind of relationship compared to a kinky one?

Any views, words that can describe it, opnions etc would be very grateful in helping me with this.

Fi x



DomCardinale -> RE: Forgive me for sounding stupid... (10/18/2007 11:21:27 AM)

A lot would depend upon the type of relationship.  Would this be 24/7, play partners, occasional meeting w/Master, etc.  Howbeit, a definate commitment to each others well being should be primary.  The various "kinks" should be discussed and each partner ought to be "comfortable" at the onset to limits, expectations and desires.  For Myself, I enjoy bondage and pain inflection (not serious debilitating pain) and seek partners along that comfort level.  Then too, the use of sadomaschistic methods is just foreplay to really great sex, mmmmmmmmm.



CutieMouse -> RE: Forgive me for sounding stupid... (10/18/2007 11:27:48 AM)

Educate yourself; BDSM relationships are still relationships. What do YOU want out of it? What do YOU need to have an emotionally, mentally, and physically healthy relationship that is based on power?

Partners in Power: Living in Kinky Relationships by Jack Rinella has some good, basic information on how to figure out what you're looking for/deserve/need/want in a D/s partner. Most of the other basic books out there (The New Bottoming Book, The Loving Dominant, etc) discuss the relationship aspects of D/s, as well. You can purchse them at greenerypress.com or amazon.com.

IMO, if you can't at least loosely define what you want, what you deserve and what you need as the submissive party in a reltionship - you aren't ready for a relationship. I'm not talking about checklists or erotica, I'm talking about how you envision a happy/healthy relationship.



toservez -> RE: Forgive me for sounding stupid... (10/18/2007 11:31:44 AM)

These are relationships like any other. I expect in a relationship that I am cared for, respected, and my needs and hopefully many of my desires that a relationship is suppose to fill does. I expect to be able to give the same thing back to my Master and for me that we love each other.

The power exchange aspects are just things that fall into what both of us need and desire in terms of how we choose to live life with each other. It is our way/best fit. Power exchange aspects do not change expectations of a relationship.

If you are looking for something more tangible then basic theory, then my .02 advice is always the same. It is about what the two people are wanting not fitting into something someone else has described. If you are wanting to enter a power exchange relationship that somehow goes beyond kink/bedroom only type play then the biggest thing to learn is within yourself and coming to terms of taking pleasure in your dominant’s pleasure on his time frame not when you are feeling like it. Learning the difference between actual rights and wrongs from just preferences in how you are use to doing things or are comfortable with is also a hard learning experience for many.



AquaticSub -> RE: Forgive me for sounding stupid... (10/18/2007 12:35:25 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: submissfifi
what should a submissive/slave expect from a dominat partner or/and relationship?

Whatever you two agree on. I expect love, respect and understanding - among other things.
quote:


What do you give to your dominant?

Me.
quote:


and what do you get in return?

Him.
quote:


Having never had one of these relationships yet, I'm feeling that perhaps I'm not understanding it aswell as I should.

It's a lot less complicated than some would have people believe.
quote:


Is there anything different that you expect from this kind of relationship compared to a kinky one?

Just that I expect him to get his way most of the time. As far kinky stuff goes, I got that in my vanilla relationships too. We just didn't have a structured power dynamic.



Mercnbeth -> RE: Forgive me for sounding stupid... (10/18/2007 12:53:36 PM)

quote:

What do you give to your dominant? and what do you get in return? Having never had one of these relationships yet, I'm feeling that perhaps I'm not understanding it aswell as I should.

fifi,
Maybe the perspective in political models will help you to gain some perspective. The problem you have is that you are trying to put the relationship in a 'Capitalist' model. You pay or give something and in turn expect to get something of equal "value" back. That isn't the nature of a D/s or M/s relationship.

A Master and slave dynamic is more comparable to a Socialist model. The slave gives everything to the Master 'State' and is grateful for ANY consideration returned. As a 'submissive' the condition may be some form of 'evolved' Socialism with many key factors under your Dominant's control but with some aspects still having 'quid pro quo' consideration. What those are would be determined by communicating and discussing your goals and desires.

Hope that helps. Good Luck!



xoxi -> RE: Forgive me for sounding stupid... (10/18/2007 1:18:00 PM)

Now I know why I'm not a socialist [;)]  I have quite a few expectations from my man and if they aren't met I will walk out the door.  Stuff like being faithful, being honest, caring about my well being, etc.

I agree completely with toservez's post - it pretty much sums it up for me.  I do want to add one thing, and that is there are quite a few people who will tell you what *everyone* does and make you feel like you have to do it too.  Stuff like poly, casual play, bisexuality, cybersex/webcam....if any or all of those things turn you on by all means go for them.  But don't do it because you think it's 'normal' - my man and I probably have one of the most 'abnormal' D/s relationships according to internet know it alls...and we love it! 

It does take a lot of getting used to when you add this component to relationships...kinda like when I first lost my virginity and then sex became a part of dating and it confused the life out of me.  But after awhile you sort of find your place in it...I definitely recommend trying a bit of stuff, even if you end up thinking it was totally lame, just to better understand where your own boundaries lie.

Good luck!



sambamanslilgirl -> RE: Forgive me for sounding stupid... (10/18/2007 1:19:22 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: submissfifi
what should a submissive/slave expect from a dominat partner or/and relationship?

that depends you and the dominant.  as for me, i have 2 Doms in which i have a nonsexual Daddydaughter with one and D/s (moving towards 24/7) relationship with another

quote:

What do you give to your dominant?

the good, bad, and ugly of me and my submission

quote:

and what do you get in return?

love, protection, trust, commitment and all of Him

quote:

Is there anything different that you expect from this kind of relationship compared to a kinky one?

Daddy's nuturing guidance and fatherly advice has shaped me into the submissive i am now than i was a year ago. with my other Dom, it will be nilla marriage with a kink twist. both relationships have mutual power exchange in which my opinions and views are taken into consideration before a final decision is made.




RRafe -> RE: Forgive me for sounding stupid... (10/18/2007 9:44:28 PM)

I base everything on a mutual appreciation and value in each other. If she wants to follow my lead-it's because I made it worthwhile to. Not because I puffed up over "authority".



gypsygrl -> RE: Forgive me for sounding stupid... (10/19/2007 3:24:31 AM)

This is a really cool way of looking at things. 

I would modify it though: The difference between D/s and M/s is alot like the difference between socialism and communism.  I have nothing to add about D/s-socialism, but the M/s-communism analogy piqued my interest.

Here's my thought:  The guiding principal of communism has been articulated by Marx: "From each according to their ability; to each according to their needs."  The M takes from the slave all that the slave is able to give, and only what the slave is able to give while seeing to it that the slave's needs are met.  Conversely, the slave gives whatever he or she can, and accepts only what she needs.  How the balance sheet works out is both situational and irrelevant in the long term. 



angelikaJ -> RE: Forgive me for sounding stupid... (10/19/2007 4:29:13 AM)

a very good question fifi!

I hope I don't sound patronising but I am impressed with your resolve to gain insight and understanding.

Being new can be a painful and frightening experience.

I am glad you are here.

jenn



TNstepsout -> RE: Forgive me for sounding stupid... (10/19/2007 5:36:18 AM)

Welcome submiss. Yes, it can take a while to sort things out. When first exposed to these concepts they are so radically different from societal norms that it's difficult to undrstand how it all works. Take some time, read, chat with others, become active on the message boards and ask questions whenever you need to.

It's difficult to say with absolute certainty what a sub should expect from a Dominant partner as these things are negotiable within the relationship of the two people. You will see many different interpretations of that very question. For some a D/s relationship is a love relationship like any other, but with the D/s component added. For some there is no love or emotion, the sub/slave is owned property, an object for use. For some the D/s is only for play or in the bedroom.

The important question to ask yourself is not "what is customarily expected", but "what do I expect". You really do need to know that. You will need to know what your basic needs, basic requirements are so you can properly communicate that.



cheekysmile -> RE: Forgive me for sounding stupid... (10/19/2007 8:00:36 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: submissfifi
So my stupidly navie question is this.


welcome to the site hun, i really had to post to this thread, as i feel NO question is stupid or niave, the only stupid question is the one you dont ask....i hope this helps.

cheeky



submissfifi -> RE: Forgive me for sounding stupid... (10/19/2007 8:55:23 AM)

Thank you for all your replies. I feel I'm being to understand it all a bit better. I shall keep on reading and researching into this. But its a great start. Love Fi x



southernhart -> RE: Forgive me for sounding stupid... (10/23/2007 8:41:43 PM)

we both give each other everythng that we have. We nuture and take great care in keeping our love safe and sacred.



slaveelle -> RE: Forgive me for sounding stupid... (10/24/2007 7:43:44 AM)

Welcome to CM fifi
Master has always says to me " The only stupid question is the one you dont ask". Dont ever feel that your questions are stupid or naive, we all thirst for knowledge about ths lifestyle and noone know everything there is to know about it, its a given that some know more than others but believe in yourself, go with your gut and usually it wont let you down.
Read as much as you can, talk to people who have been exposed to play, and ask questions.
Good luck fifi, i hope its a wonderful journey for you.
 
cheers
elle



chaosforge -> RE: Forgive me for sounding stupid... (10/24/2007 8:24:56 AM)

i think acceptance is a big thing. You can't give anything if the intended will not accept it.



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