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How long before you can trust someone to bind you? - 10/19/2007 6:04:40 AM   
brendover


Posts: 10
Joined: 12/5/2004
Status: offline 		Until very recently, I hadn't garnered much interest on this site.  I'm guessing moving to a city that actually had other members helped that quite a bit.  Anyway, I don't think anything is going to work out yet, but at least the fact that there was a chance got me thinking about some more of the practical aspects of bondage.

My question is as follows:  how do you know when you trust someone enough to let them play with you?  Someone asked the question yesterday, "would you play on a first meeting"?  I couldn't picture myself trusting someone enough to tie me up after meeting them once, regardless of how ridiculously bad the temptation might be.  But how long is an appropriate amount of time before you do know you trust someone?  Has anyone ever used a system whereby they tell a friend what they're up to, just in case something goes wrong?  I'm not sure I would feel comfortable calling up a buddy and saying "Hey, I'm going to meet a relative stranger today, so that she can tie me up and have her way with me.  However, I'm going to be bound, so there's an off chance I won't be leaving.  We've met once or twice, so I'm relatively assured nothing terrible is going to happen, but just in case you don't see me in the next few days, alert the authorities."

Anyone have any advice here?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: How long before you can trust someone to bind you? - 10/19/2007 6:16:37 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		change your questions to assertions, and you have it for the most part.

trust is a function of time, and we all have different clocks....that is individual.

You should be in no headlong rush to do anything with anyone, it comes when it is right.

Ron 

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to brendover)
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RE: How long before you can trust someone to bind you? - 10/19/2007 6:27:53 AM   
SunNMoon


Posts: 1058
Joined: 3/18/2007
Status: offline 		My theory on this is, when do you trust someone in another relationship (this is a relationship too)? Or when would you trust them enough to have sex with them? Just my thoughts, since it's a personal thing.

_____________________________

"We agreed to S&M only, sex and mockery." - Gray’s Anatomy.

(in reply to mnottertail)
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RE: How long before you can trust someone to bind you? - 10/19/2007 6:52:14 AM   
deadscout


Posts: 13
Joined: 1/10/2007
Status: offline 		I guess it depends on your feelings about the other person. I consider myself a good judge of character, but even so, if i were going to let someone tie me for the first time, I would make sure a friend knew where i was going and when to expect me back.

(in reply to SunNMoon)
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RE: How long before you can trust someone to bind you? - 10/19/2007 6:53:41 AM   
vield


Posts: 354
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		No one can tell you this answer, one must decide when the person and the situation is OK for them to allow themself to be bound.

I suggest not playing at all one the first meeting, and just having lunch in a public place when everyone feels safe. I also suggest not giving out home land line phone numbers, home address and so forth until you know and trust a person.

If you meet a person in a local BD/SM discussion group you at least know they likely are about the gender and age they advertise. On line you do not even know that.

I do not always practice what I preach, but I do take safety very seriously, and no fluid bonding will be happening either way until an adequate time after I see the results of their STD tests.

I suggest you begin play at a big event which has dungeon monitor staff on duty making sure everyone is OK with what is done to them. There you will not have to give total trust to the new partner, there are people who can watch and who can help if necessary.

It is not necesary to tell your vanilla friend how you plan to play if you set up a safe call with them. You simply ask if they will be a resource to help you with your first date, and set up code words about things being fine or being dangerous. Tell them whatever you like about the reasons, but get them to agree.

You might mention the person is from an on line date site and you might want an excuse to end the date if the person you meet turns out to be Godzilla's maiden aunt.

Even if you make a safe call to your own answering machine the person you are with will not know that, and there will be a record in case something does go very wrong.

At the least I suggest that you honestly negotiate your wishes, likes, cravings, dislikes, hates, and all of your hard limits before playing with someone privately, and try to get a feel for whether or not they respect you and whether or not you feel trust for them.

Please do NOT confuse trust with lust...

If you feel any sort of distrust or suspect any other red flags are there, make any excuse and get out. Once you are well bound there is not a lot you can do if Bubba her pimp decides to enjoy your ass before stealing your money, clothes and car. Of course that might be your fantasy??


_____________________________

As always, your mileage may vary!

vield

(in reply to brendover)
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RE: How long before you can trust someone to bind you? - 10/19/2007 7:59:54 AM   
littleone35


Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline 		I did not let Master tie me up gfor oh about 2 months  then i pretty much knew i could trust him.  I think bondage is hot and it is a lot of fun if you trust the person and can relax.  I would not let them do it on a first meet though that could be dangerous.  I say take all the time you need to trust that person,  and if they are pushing maybe they are not a match for you.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to vield)
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RE: How long before you can trust someone to bind you? - 10/19/2007 8:18:58 AM   
Aileen68


Posts: 6091
Joined: 8/2/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: brendover

Until very recently, I hadn't garnered much interest on this site.  I'm guessing moving to a city that actually had other members helped that quite a bit.  Anyway, I don't think anything is going to work out yet, but at least the fact that there was a chance got me thinking about some more of the practical aspects of bondage.

My question is as follows:  how do you know when you trust someone enough to let them play with you?  Someone asked the question yesterday, "would you play on a first meeting"?  I couldn't picture myself trusting someone enough to tie me up after meeting them once, regardless of how ridiculously bad the temptation might be.  But how long is an appropriate amount of time before you do know you trust someone?  Has anyone ever used a system whereby they tell a friend what they're up to, just in case something goes wrong?  I'm not sure I would feel comfortable calling up a buddy and saying "Hey, I'm going to meet a relative stranger today, so that she can tie me up and have her way with me.  However, I'm going to be bound, so there's an off chance I won't be leaving.  We've met once or twice, so I'm relatively assured nothing terrible is going to happen, but just in case you don't see me in the next few days, alert the authorities."

Anyone have any advice here?



I've met four from here and played with all four on the first meet.  Bound, gagged, the whole enchilada.  All four were who they said they were and all four were safe.  I tend to think that I have good instincts and good screening practices when I talk with someone.  I think it boils down to that.  You need to trust your instincts and any red flags that arise in your brain.

(in reply to brendover)
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RE: How long before you can trust someone to bind you? - 10/19/2007 10:38:44 AM   
iammachine


Posts: 1549
Joined: 1/25/2006
Status: offline
quote:

But how long is an appropriate amount of time before you do know you trust someone? Has anyone ever used a system whereby they tell a friend what they're up to, just in case something goes wrong? I'm not sure I would feel comfortable calling up a buddy and saying "Hey, I'm going to meet a relative stranger today, so that she can tie me up and have her way with me.


I had known a mentor of mine for over a year before being bound. That time frame might have been shortened if we lived closer to hang out in person more. As it stands, we tend to catch eachother  on "drive bys" when we both happen to be in the same city at the same time (a few times a year). I've been fortunate in that my friend is a presenter and is reputable in the community, so I was always pretty confident in his abilities and I had a fairly easy means of verifying it. Outside of that, it was just a matter of time and building a rapport.

As a top, I have bound people that I have literally just met. This has been in public, however that comes with it's own set of hazards. Probably one of my more involved public scenes was hog tying a "cowboy" I had met at the local leather bar. Most of the men had migrated to an afterhours party, where the hosts had insisted that I come after seeing an impromptu rope demo I had done back at the bar (I'm something of a "bad influence"). My cowboy wanted to see if he could be an escape artist, so we negotiated as I worked, and he ended up in a gyaku ebi. No big deal, put him up, hang out, and let him squirm, right? I wish. Crowd control can be a bitch when not everyone knows scene protocol, and you don't have a recognized authority to DM. I had to pull out the bitch card on people that wanted to interupt the scene a few times, but all is well that ends well. For the record, he got out of the bondage.... when I took him out.

As for safe calls, I always always always arrange a safe call if I'm meeting someone that I do not know well. This includes public meetings. I had an uncomfortably close call with a (vanilla even!) man that was not wanting to take no for an answer, and was getting too handsy/forceful with me during a public meeting at a restaurant. I simply do not compromise on that anymore, I have a safe call every time now. I arrange a safe call at first meeting, definitely. I will also arrange a safecall during a play date, and encourage the other person to do so as well if they are bottoming. I will tend to play in public with people a few times before playing privately, or I will have a kinky friend along with me to play chaperon.

I might be overly cautious, but I'd rather be safe than hurt.


_____________________________

I still hear you scream... in every breath, every single motion

(in reply to brendover)
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RE: How long before you can trust someone to bind you? - 10/19/2007 11:28:44 AM   
michelleryder


Posts: 198
Joined: 5/18/2007
Status: offline 		If you don't trust them you shouldn't be meeting them in the first place really.

(in reply to iammachine)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: How long before you can trust someone to bind you? - 10/19/2007 12:29:09 PM   
meticulousgirl


Posts: 969
Joined: 2/20/2007
Status: offline 		trust is something that we all know differs from person to person.

i dont let many people into my life but when i do they know that there isn't anything in the world i wouldn't do for them.

make sure you know yourself, get to know the other person too and from there only you or whomever can make that decision.....

~meticulous~

(in reply to brendover)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: How long before you can trust someone to bind you? - 10/19/2007 1:25:00 PM   
ShiftedJewel


Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: brendover

Until very recently, I hadn't garnered much interest on this site.  I'm guessing moving to a city that actually had other members helped that quite a bit.  Anyway, I don't think anything is going to work out yet, but at least the fact that there was a chance got me thinking about some more of the practical aspects of bondage.

My question is as follows:  how do you know when you trust someone enough to let them play with you?  Someone asked the question yesterday, "would you play on a first meeting"?  I couldn't picture myself trusting someone enough to tie me up after meeting them once, regardless of how ridiculously bad the temptation might be.  But how long is an appropriate amount of time before you do know you trust someone?  Has anyone ever used a system whereby they tell a friend what they're up to, just in case something goes wrong?  I'm not sure I would feel comfortable calling up a buddy and saying "Hey, I'm going to meet a relative stranger today, so that she can tie me up and have her way with me.  However, I'm going to be bound, so there's an off chance I won't be leaving.  We've met once or twice, so I'm relatively assured nothing terrible is going to happen, but just in case you don't see me in the next few days, alert the authorities."

Anyone have any advice here?


My advice (albeit very old fashioned I guess) is that you trust someone to tie you up just about the same time you decide you can trust them with your life. 
 
Let me qualify that. Ok, that person may have the best intentions in the world and it could turn out to be a very memorable scene (good memorable)... but is that person willing to take responsibility for your life? Are they level headed enough to see to it that you are freed should a fire break out? Are they going to make sure that if something unforeseen happens, like a heart attack, that you have a way to escape your bounds?
 
Like I said, old fashioned, I know.
 
Jewel

_____________________________

Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

(in reply to brendover)
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RE: How long before you can trust someone to bind you? - 10/19/2007 1:33:53 PM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		And my advice is that letting someone from Collarme tie you up is a whole lot SAFER than if it's someone you just met at a bar, or munch, or BDSM activity.  You don't know jackshit about someone you meet out in public, and if things turn really ugly, you won't necessarily be able to report that person either.  But someone you met on Collarme?  Please, in fifteen minutes they'll know exactly who he is, especially if you've chatted with him in IM and know his other screen names.

I'm aware that this goes against the conventional wisdom--that's because the conventional wisdom is wrong.

< Message edited by Lordandmaster -- 10/19/2007 1:35:14 PM >

(in reply to ShiftedJewel)
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RE: How long before you can trust someone to bind you? - 10/19/2007 1:37:28 PM   
Bearlee


Posts: 2311
Joined: 10/25/2004
From: South Central CO
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

I'm aware that this goes against the conventional wisdom--that's because the conventional wisdom is wrong.


ROFLMAO
 
OMG    LAM, you crack me up!!!   Gawd I love a strong Dominant with a sense of humor.   
 
b


edited to add.............. and Jewel, I couldn't agree more! 




< Message edited by Bearlee -- 10/19/2007 1:38:45 PM >

_____________________________

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RE: How long before you can trust someone to bind you? - 10/19/2007 2:17:58 PM   
brendover


Posts: 10
Joined: 12/5/2004
Status: offline 		"I suggest you begin play at a big event which has dungeon monitor staff on duty making sure everyone is OK with what is done to them. There you will not have to give total trust to the new partner, there are people who can watch and who can help if necessary."

Hmm, that sounds like a really good idea.  To tell you the truth, I didn't really know those existed.  Will have to check that out.

Not really sure the advice about treating it like any other relationship holds, in that the difference is, while in a regular relationship, ie not involving bondage, I would be much less vulnerable.  Physically, definitely, as well as possibly even emotionally.

Thanks for the advice though, I appreciate the feedback.

(in reply to Bearlee)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: How long before you can trust someone to bind you? - 10/20/2007 2:34:22 PM   
grlneedstolearn


Posts: 728
Joined: 1/29/2007
Status: offline 		With my previous Dom, he never did any sort of bondage on the first meeting, why would you allow someone to bound and gag you on the first meeting? Red flags go up all over the place with me if someone asked me and was insinuating that aspect, which i'm not saying that's what he wants to do. My Dom doesn't necessarily bound me unless there's a reason for it or if i ask for it. Get to know the person well and trust your own instincts on it. If it doesn't feel right to you, don't do it. Common sense basically.

(in reply to brendover)
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RE: How long before you can trust someone to bind you? - 10/20/2007 2:51:50 PM   
chellekitty


Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline 		the angle of the dangle is equal to the stroke of the rod?

_____________________________

One thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve. ~Albert Schweitzer

(in reply to grlneedstolearn)
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RE: How long before you can trust someone to bind you? - 10/20/2007 2:54:07 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: brendover

My question is as follows:  how do you know when you trust someone enough to let them play with you?  *snip* But how long is an appropriate amount of time before you do know you trust someone?

In my experience, this depends entirely on both who you are talking about and the situation you are talking about. It was a few months before Valyraen bound me in a manner that I could not easily escape from in the privacy of a dorm room. However, it is not at all unlike me to allow a near-stranger to cuff in a manner I can not escape from while at a play party with plenty of others around.
quote:


Has anyone ever used a system whereby they tell a friend what they're up to, just in case something goes wrong?  I'm not sure I would feel comfortable calling up a buddy and saying "Hey, I'm going to meet a relative stranger today, so that she can tie me up and have her way with me.  However, I'm going to be bound, so there's an off chance I won't be leaving.  We've met once or twice, so I'm relatively assured nothing terrible is going to happen, but just in case you don't see me in the next few days, alert the authorities."

Anyone have any advice here?



I believe the term commonly used for what you are describing is "safe call". Some dominants will even encourage you to put them in place for your ease of mind. You don't have to share all the details with your friend if you don't want to but it would be useful to let them know the overall idea. Where you are playing, when you expect to start, when you expect to leave and that you may be bound. Just in case in case you both lose track of the time, it would nice if the police knew that just because you are bound does not automatically mean you are in distress.

If you are very uncomfortable with telling a friend that, you can try to make a friend in your local scene who would be understanding or you can just make a little fib and tell them you are going on a blind date and just being a little paranoid. Good luck!

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to brendover)
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RE: How long before you can trust someone to bind you? - 10/20/2007 3:49:06 PM   
Evanesce


Posts: 2325
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline 		In my experience, trust comes when it comes.  There is no set pattern or time frame.  I've known people for years, whom I would not trust to tie me up and beat me.  And I've known instantly that someone is trustworthy enough to play on first meeting.  It's all a matter of how it feels to you, and if it feels right, you will know it - without question.  However, if you have doubts, don't play.
 
On the subject of safe calls... I've done that once - with the first guy from the Internet I'd ever met in person.  He's like a little brother to me now, but I got all of his pertinent information and gave it to my unmentionable, with instructions to call the police if she did not hear from me by a specific time.  I knew I could trust him, but I did it to ease HER mind.

_____________________________

Denise

Give a slave what he truly needs, and he will do what you want.

"There's never a hero in a battle of ego." - Big & Rich


(in reply to AquaticSub)
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RE: How long before you can trust someone to bind you? - 10/20/2007 7:03:54 PM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		When you are ready, you are.

While I may play on a first meeting depending on how long I've been talking to the person and how I feel, I don't either let someone restrain me with hard restraints nor do I use them on others on a first time, regardless of whether they desire it or not.  I have allowed others to use velcro or safety clip restraints on me, however, depending on where my comfort level is with them.

I personally don't allow someone to blindfold or gag me for quite some time, not because I don't trust them, if I'm there, I do trust them.  I'm female, I understand that restraints or not, if a man wanted to overcome me, he can regardless of restraints, but at that point understanding where the person is and what they can tolerate and open communication are very important and I have found that starting out slow helps with that communication.

(in reply to Evanesce)
Profile   Post #: 19
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