having hard time, need support.... (Full Version)

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justnewsub -> having hard time, need support.... (10/19/2007 8:16:54 AM)

i have been with my Dom now for just about a month.  we did what most do befor playing.... spelled out what we were into and what we were not into... me being so new, i'm open to everything, and am learning what i don't like and what i do....

one of the things my Dom is into in having more then one sub... i am #4 and the newest.... i've never been in a situation like this, but am willing to give it a try.

i really enjoy being with my Dom and serving him.  i do get the most time with him because i am the most local, and up until today all i have had to deal with is him talking on the comp or phone with his other subs....

well today he is off visiting one of his subs.  This sub is one he does meet with at least 2x a month....

we have been discussing the situation and my feelings... i am so torn.... i am trying to deal with the situation and trying to accept it, but all my vanilla upbringing is telling me i should be upset.... i have planned a day filled with distractions to try to help and i have even been allowed to have a few drinks later to help take the edge off (i know a weak way out of it...)

i just am feeling alone and in need of moral support to get through this, i'm hoping it gets easier as i get used to it.... like building up my pain threshold.... i don't want to leave my Dom, just trying to work through it

....thanks for letting me vent.....[sm=frown.gif]



AEslaveM -> RE: having hard time, need support.... (10/19/2007 8:20:44 AM)

Support is what we are here for................

Talk to your Dom about your feelings........... might not make a difference, but at least he will know how you feel about it...........

Good thoughts and hugs to you..............




justnewsub -> RE: having hard time, need support.... (10/19/2007 9:03:47 AM)

yes my Dom and i have been talking all week about this, and he is being very supportive and understanding, but you are right it doesn't make a difference on his decision, he is driving up to his other sub right now...

i think one of the harder parts for me right now is i don't have any RL people i can be with today to support me, my family and friends don't kow about me being in the lifestyle, however they do know i've met a "new guy".... i'm thinking of talking to my sister in law tonight for a little extra support.... i just don't know if i will really get it or just get judged....




AEslaveM -> RE: having hard time, need support.... (10/19/2007 9:07:47 AM)

Talking to the s-i-l might not be the way to go...........telling someone that you met a new guy, and he is going to see ANOTHER woman............YIKES!  Asking for trouble there.

I know what you mean about not having RL others to talk about this lifestyle with.......sucks..........

But you can come here and talk it out as much as you like.....

It is going to be hard for you, especially if you are anything like me, and VERY monogamous...........i KNOW i would have a very hard time dealing with that situation..........

Are you SURE that a poly relationship is the best thing for you?  If you are having this hard a time with it, might be time to rethink the whole thing..........and get into a one on one situation instead.

i know it might be hard to think about leaving this situation, but if it doesn't work for you.............then you might want to rethink it.

Hope this helps.



pseudopsychotic -> RE: having hard time, need support.... (10/19/2007 9:12:48 AM)

I feel for you love, I have my own issues with "sharing."
But you did come into this relationship knowing what it would be like, now I'm not saying you're not allowed to find it sucky, or you're not allowd to hurt, but this is what you signd up for.
Try cleaning and    no thinking about it.
Watch a movie, or go for a nice long run.
Or (and this always helps me) Doll up and walk around the town, buy some coffee and flirt with the coffeeboy.
Builds up self-esteem and that covers a lot  of the hurt.
Or is does fo me anyways, being the attention whore that I am.

XD

&& remember, this too shall pass.

Best wishes doll.



justnewsub -> RE: having hard time, need support.... (10/19/2007 9:23:57 AM)

pseudopsychotic,

you are right this is what i signed up for and am willing to work out my feelings and get through it. 

i am planning on dolling up tonight and flirting with any man who looks my way.... lol

i also have planned all sorts of stuff to keep me distracted through the day... i think the hardest part for me right now, is i have a great imagination and am trying not to think about what they might be doing.....

AEslaveM - i want to get through this day and then really think of how i feel about it, i don't want to jump to conclusions about my feelings just yet, this is new to me and i'm trying to keep an open mind.  i never thought i could handle rimming either, but then once i did it and got through it i felt empowered, so i'm hoping in the end i'll feel that way again.... really really hoping.....

yeah you're right about telling the s-i-l... i might end up just getting judged in the end....

i'm going to flirt my ass off today i think, that should help the old self esteem....



toservez -> RE: having hard time, need support.... (10/19/2007 9:46:35 AM)

As pseudopsychotic pointed out and you have mentioned you new this coming in so a lot of the responsibility is on your end to try to accept this if it is in your nature and try to minimalize any stress or overt reactions by you when he goes away and comes back.

This though is not to say that you should not communicate with him what might help you before and after that he can help with. I know with me in starting new relationships the first few times of situations like yours distraction during was always a good thing but critical for me personally that soon after my Master was back that words and some actions of affection were needed. Nothing over the top or competition based but something a little out of the ordinary to comfort me.



sub4hire -> RE: having hard time, need support.... (10/19/2007 10:32:09 AM)

How are you going to react when you are in the same room with him and one of his playmates and you are being ignored?  It will happen at some point in time.  Are you going to be able to handle it?

As you stated you are new.  You did say you would give the relationship a try but I think you need to do some soul searching and figure out if you are even capable of doing such.  If not, you may want to get out before it gets to hard on you.
If you can, talk to him.  You cannot communicate too much.  At least that way he knows you're going to go into fits of jealousy at every turn.
How do you feel about bi-sexuality, can you handle that?  There are so many factors to consider.  You really need to decide what you want.



Argentopal -> RE: having hard time, need support.... (10/19/2007 10:42:05 AM)

Dear "new",

I went  and read your profile.  It says you joined on 9-18 -07 and that you were brand new.  That was just 1 month ago.  For someone as new as yourself to be sub to a Dom with 3 other girls this can certainly  be a bit unsettling  for you.  It would be even more so if you had no background for the sharing part.  Your list does not even mention poly so I have to guess that you had no previous experience or interest in a "more than one" relationship.  If that is all true, then it is not a big surprise that you have some problems now, especially this being the first time he has gone to visit another girl.  If you had very much computer and phone time getting to know him, you were used to his undivided attention.  Then you say you get the most time with him now, as you are the most local to him.  It's probably safe to say that has made you a bit "spoiled" and I do not mean that as a negative, just a fact.  You hvae had his attention and you like it, all totally natural and understandable.  That makes this first time with him going to see someone very difficult to you.  With your porfile and the facts in your op, he sees this girl 2x a month, yet this is the first time since you have been with him, so you are very very new to Ds and to being his sub. Also, if you are number 4, you will need to be prepared for the fact that there is only so much time in a day/week/month and hs has 3 other girls he has time promised to.  This situation is new, but it is one you will need to deal with frequently.   New situations are exciting and frightening at the same time.  Being worried/ concerned/ frightened/ upset is all normal right now.  Your upbringing does play a big part in this, and will be something that may rear its head for you from time to time, even 10 years from now.  Sometimes it's just all but impossible to get that totally out of our heads!  It helps me to really think about my fears sometimes, to think about what is bothering me and why and try to think reasonably and not emotionally about it for just a little while.  Often, when exposed to rational thought all those concerns can be dealt with and I can get on with more fun things.

Just because you are willing to try new things does not mean you will like tham all, not does it mean you HAVE to like them all.  You are still you and your feelings are valid.  Be patient with yourself.  Be willing to openly talk about how you felt with your Dom.  Being given "free time" to talk openly without fear of repercussions is a very good tool in Ds relationships.  We can all be here online to offer advice and comfort, but only he can deal with how you are feeling face to face.   There is a huge RL community in your area, you really need to find a subs group and meet other ladies, and gentlemen, that you can make friends with and ahve some RL folks to go out with on a day like today!

Take care, and I hope you are able to have a good, solid relationship and learn and grow and be nutured into the girl and person you really want to be.
opal




bipolarber -> RE: having hard time, need support.... (10/19/2007 11:28:01 AM)

The problem seems to be that you are new to this, and you're having trouble adjusting to the different model. We're always told that monogamy is the "one true way" for human beings, although there seems to be a growing mountain of evidence that this only applies to some of us.

Change hurts. But given time, you'll get used to the different way of living. Maybe even find some of the advantages that go along with it.

I know it's going to sound a little trite, but I would suggest a really good book, called "The Ethical Slut" by Dossie Easton. This book helped me a great deal in getting my head in the right space for accepting poly relationships.

Part of me is somewhat envious of you, BTW. You have your Dom close at hand, and it sounds like you get plenty of attention from him. I, on the other hand, am stuck in the middle of whitebread Arkansas. My Domme is 3 hours away in Memphis. You can imagine how much that sucks at times. At best, we get together maybe once a month for a weekend.

So, I guess what I'm saying is, things could be a lot worse.



sexyred1 -> RE: having hard time, need support.... (10/19/2007 11:38:26 AM)

I will never understand why people put themselves in situations where they know they are not into something, like sharing, and then wonder why they feel so bad and have to go find some external means of filling up "self esteem".

The self esteem part would come in by first knowing yourself well enough to know that you come first and if you know you need to be with someone who has no others but you, then you wait for that. If you are just into learning and experimenting, fine, try this out. But to me it sounds as if this is a road that will lead to a dead end for everyone but the Dom.



meticulousgirl -> RE: having hard time, need support.... (10/19/2007 1:04:13 PM)

Red said it perfectly

New until you can 100% respect yourself and your position in this "relationship" your not going to be able to accept His choices or at least His going to see the other girls.

Now I'm not saying that you should leave, I'm saying that you need to find ways to make this lifestyle work for you please trust me, if your not happy now, it's not going to change, the hurt that you feel, will continue to grow more than likely unless you can find some way to cope.  What that way is, i dont know but i serve a Master who has multiple girls (more than yours) I'm the first, i see him the most but that doesn't make it any easier, five years later there is still this sense of "why am i not good enough" or the "if he's doing this with her why isn't He with me" sort of thing, that's part of it but not all.  It's not jelousy, it's never been a jelousy thing for me, it's my own insecurity's which i have learned in five years to deal with in my own way but that way doesn't mean that it's everyones way and i know it's not so i wont mention how i do it.  You can make a choice to accept, to cope, or to leave the choice is up to you but i'm sure there are many of us that would be more than happy to help you get through it.

Best wishes
~meticulous~



submissfifi -> RE: having hard time, need support.... (10/19/2007 1:39:45 PM)

Hi, I'm a newbie myself so don't really have any great experience to bring to your situation. All I can say is that I'm sorry things are hard for you and that you feeling so low. I would suggest that you trust your instincts, its hard enough being a submissive sometimes, as it is for dominants, but being new, I personally feel you need to take things slow and give yourself time to discover the most basic of things first. Before developing into a relationship with other subs. (Okay this may have worked for other subs/slaves I'm not dismissing that.)

The old saying you have to learn to walk before you can run. 

Just the vibe I get is that this is causing you the most pain right now, and if you feel you cannot handle it, then you have found what could be a hard limit, and this is ok to have them. We cannot all like and enjoy the same things, no matter how hard we might try, if we did it would be very boring.

But what I do connect with most in your post is the vanilla world can make it hard to know how to behave, and react as a submissive/slave in a kinky world. I think this is my biggest hurdle to overcome too.

Your in good hands here, and this is why I love this site, the forums, the community feel, the people always being here to help and advise, some how makes this journey safer and smoother.

Just my thinking, hope it helps

Fi x



justnewsub -> RE: having hard time, need support.... (10/19/2007 2:36:43 PM)

thank you all so far for the words of encouragement and advise... so far so good, i am coping and having time to dive into my own brain and figure out how i really feel about all this.

i don't know how i would feel about being in the same room while a different sub services him, that is a bridge i will have to cross when/if the time comes.  my Dom is very caring and supportive of my feelings of this situation.

i think i have become a bit spoiled since i have had some much time with my Dom and i am so very new to all of this.

it sucks, but i'm coping, i'm finding it's not so bad afterall... i still hate the idea of it, but i'm also discovering things about myself through this too.

Argentopal, you read me like an open book and hit the nail on the head... thank you for opening my eyes to myself, it is alot easier to think a bit more rationally when you can see yourself through other peoples eyes...

bipolarber - i'm sorry you are so far away from you Domme, you are the same distance as my Dom's other sub is, so it is actually helpful to hear the other person's side.  i do feel bad for her to not be able to have the time i get with our Dom... i hope you get to see your Domme soon (hug)

red and meticulous - honestly i am in the mindset that i don't know until i try it.  you are right if it does hurt more then i can cope with or handle then i know it is a for sure sign to get out before i get crushed.  this is the first time i have had to deal with it, and i'm testing myself to see how well i can cope.... how i feel when he gets back... was i able to handle it... if not then i will move on and know that this is for sure one of my hard limits

fifif - us newbies sometimes benefit he most from these sites, we can garnish so mcuh information and support from the people who have been on here longer and have way way way more experience... i love that i have found the wonderful people her eon collarme and would be truly lost with out them

i think so far the hardest thing for me is the loss of contact... honestly i don't want to call him and hear the other sub's voice in the background that would really be upsetting, but to not hear his voice for 24 hours is a bit hard.... hee hee hee maybe it's just me being spoiled again....



defiantbadgirl -> RE: having hard time, need support.... (10/19/2007 2:48:43 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: justnewsub 

i am planning on dolling up tonight and flirting with any man who looks my way.... lol



Sounds like a plan. If he wants several subs, there's no reason you can't have several Doms. That's the way I see it.



swtnsparkling -> RE: having hard time, need support.... (10/19/2007 4:12:10 PM)

quote:


ORIGINAL: justnewsub 
i am planning on dolling up tonight and flirting with any man who looks my way....


I'm sure he will be very pleased with your behaviour[;)].



KiandPhoenix -> RE: having hard time, need support.... (10/19/2007 6:25:31 PM)


I view this as a poly type question. When dealing with people like my mother, who is not poly, I explain it like this:

If you have two children, when the 2nd one is born, do you love the first one less? Of course not, you love them both, and one love does not lessen the other.

For you, I suspect, the feelings are that you are not enough for him, or something of that nature. You feel abandoned for another slave today. Remember that love for a lot of us is not exclusive. Just because he is spending the day with another slave, does not lessen his commitment to you as you Dom, or whatever else he may be to you.

That is just a guess into your feelings, so it may not be relevant at all, but it was the impression I got from your message.
~Ki



justnewsub -> RE: having hard time, need support.... (10/19/2007 6:43:52 PM)

Ki- i ws afraid it was that i was nto enough for him and he has to find pleasure in someone else

thanks for putting it in perspective, that makes alot of sense actually, my Dom did keep telling me there are traits in each of us that he enjoys, now i understand what he was meaning....

i feel i have grown today and am learning alot form this experience, it is valuable no matter... because i have learned something new about myself... thank you all again for all the support i have received it made a hard day alot easier [:)]



slaveelle -> RE: having hard time, need support.... (10/20/2007 9:47:00 AM)

I know a few submissives that have been apart of a poly r/ships. Most of them had never been in a poly r/ship before and it was such an eye opener for them. When it came down to the "real deal" of accepting that the Master they served was with another submissive most of them didnt accept it well at all. Fear of seeing their Dom with another were really high. I believe it takes a very strong submissive both mentally and emotionally to accept  that they have share thier master with another submissive. Personally i am too greedy to share..but thats who i am and i cant ever see it changing.
So in saying that justnew, i truly wish you happiness in the journey you have commited yourself to take, i hope in time you will be comfortable with the decision you made.
Best of luck to you.
elle



PrinceHarming -> RE: having hard time, need support.... (10/20/2007 10:05:50 AM)

I can certainly empathize,,,  it seems that everything about our lifestyle is different than our 'vanilla' upbringing - and it takes a lot of adjusting and mind stretching before you're able to feel comfortable with some issues.

That being said, don't overlook the simple "gut-check".  You'll know in your heart when you interact with your Dominant whether or not you are Thee One, or if it is the intent to keep you as just another happy player in the line-up.

I have always been clear in telling others that I am not monogomous, and made sure they understood why, and just what that means - and it's not that I'm not willing to pursue that kind of relationship, but I just haven't met anyone so far for whom I'd consider taking that step. 

But when I say "clear" .. what I'm saying is that I don't just lay it out there and suggest 'take it or leave it'.  We open up .. we discuss just what that means and make sure that all feelings on the subject are understood and honored.

I've just never believed that sexual fidelity should be the defining factor of "Relationship"- And if it helps any, my parents were sexually faithful for over forty years and pretty much miserable most of the time - lol.

I feel your angst and wish you all the best in your journey.

PH



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