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questioning the Dominant - 10/19/2007 1:52:06 PM

cheekysmile

Posts: 44
Joined: 4/10/2006
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i have always had this niggling question in my head that needs answering, and i thought the best place to ask it would be here, as i know there would be serious answers coming forth.

why when a Dominant asks a submissive to do something the submissive does not understand the reasoning of, does a Dominant say 'its not your place to ask questions of Me!'

how is a submissive to learn if she cant ask questions?

hmmm ok theres 2 questions there, sorry.

looking forward to some answers, thank you

cheeky

Post #: 1

RE: questioning the Dominant - 10/19/2007 2:07:44 PM

Dari

Posts: 192
Joined: 10/8/2007
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I always encourage my subs to ask questions, but I reserve the right to not answer. Most times I do answer, until they completely understand. But when I don't, it's usually for one of two reasons:

Sometimes the reasoning behind a particular command is to teach a lesson, and the lesson is one that must be experienced and discovered personally, rather than simply explained verbally. Keep in mind, I love my boys to have independence, curiosity, creativity, and a strength of character all on their own. But I do require obedience, and sometimes there are certain lessons that simply cannot be passed without the one learning coming to the correct conclusion all on their own.

Other times, I'll withold an answer because I can. After all, I'm the dominant one here - I make the rules, and if I don't feel like telling the answer, I certainly don't have to. Since there is such open and easy communication between my boys and me, I find it's an effective reminder of my control over them, when I simply don't tell them the answer. Sometimes that reminder comes because they need a quick jerk of the mental leash. Sometimes it comes because they need a mental bite on the shoulder, to remind them that they belong to me - as a comfort, or a feeling of security.

(in reply to cheekysmile)

Post #: 2

RE: questioning the Dominant - 10/19/2007 2:19:36 PM

DarkDaddyZ

Posts: 805
Joined: 4/7/2006
Status: offline

What Dominant does that :) Questions for clarification is always okay.

_____________________________

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(in reply to Dari)

Post #: 3

RE: questioning the Dominant - 10/19/2007 2:26:40 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: cheekysmile

i have always had this niggling question in my head that needs answering, and i thought the best place to ask it would be here, as i know there would be serious answers coming forth.

why when a Dominant asks a submissive to do something the submissive does not understand the reasoning of, does a Dominant say 'its not your place to ask questions of Me!'

how is a submissive to learn if she cant ask questions?

hmmm ok theres 2 questions there, sorry.

looking forward to some answers, thank you

cheeky

Why does "A" submissive ask a question like "ALL" Dominants are going to respond in that given way?

Is she so limited in the boxes she groups people that she can't comprehend that Dominants are as unique and different between each other as they unique and different with other submissives.

< Message edited by KnightofMists -- 10/19/2007 2:27:23 PM >

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to cheekysmile)

Post #: 4

RE: questioning the Dominant - 10/19/2007 2:36:41 PM

toservez

Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
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Depends on the questions and the motivations behind the questions. Certainly a question a submissive might have that she needs or could help her do something that she struggle with or clearly thinks is truly wrong I would think not answering a question like that would be a poor and stupid choice for a dominant and I have never known a dominant to not answer these personally.

At the same time though the biggest thing I have seen and discussed with many new submissives is the hurdle of judging things that need not be judge. Assigning right and wrong to preferences and/or based on this is how I normally do it. To me too many questions fall into this area and the best response can be not to answer because for the less serious or mundane things in this life it is about learning to obey not understanding why or whatever reason something comes out of your Master’s mouth but to actually just obey.

_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to cheekysmile)

Post #: 5

RE: questioning the Dominant - 10/19/2007 2:40:38 PM

MaamJay

Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
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Being a teacher, I approach this on 2 fronts. If it's a thoughtful question of clarification, I answer it (and so does Master for violet). A simple example, if Master has asked for eggs, baked beans and toast for breakfast, violet will ask whether He wants it all on the toast or the toast on the side ... He likes it either way, depends on His mood. Now it would be nonsensical for Him to refuse to answer that one! Another example ... if Jay has played with Her new sub, and debriefing during aftercare, and the sub asks "Why did i get lost while counting spanks?" then I will explain more about the effects of subspace on the cognitive mind. I think it's important that she comes to understand that more so she recognises the depth of space she is in.

I agree with Dari though that there are some things a sub needs to work through on their own and come to their own understanding of, and in those situations, I won't answer a question. However, I wouldn't use the phrase quoted in the OP ... I would say instead "I'd rather you think more about that for yourself pet" or "That's something I want you to discover yourself" or "Well, watch violet over the next few days and see how she serves Master, and see if you can work it out". In other words, I would give some directive acknowledging the validity of the question and some inkling of how the answer might be obtained. My other favourite approach is to answer a question with a question ... probing and probing to lead the sub through the thinking process required. I guess you should ask My sub about whether she enjoys that technique LOL! Another aspect where I won't answer is when the sub asks a lot of questions about what W/we will do during play before it happens. Yes, negotiations are important, yes, I respect limits, but beyond that, I don't want to give out all the details. For one thing, I like to flow during the play rather than stick to a "script" ... and if I give away all the tactics ... it's a lot less effective! An example ... We used to have a blind dog, and My former sub hubby was rather impatient with him, despite the fact that the dog had learned to navigate by "left, right, stop, turn around" etc. So one night W/we went to a play party and just before W/we went in, I blindfolded subhub. I made him remain blindfolded for the entire night. he was a bit of a whinger at the best of times, and sure wasn't happy as it put rather a dampener on his usual social butterfly experience, although everyone was very helpfully yelling out "left, right etc!" he nagged Me through the night as to what it was all about, why I was being so mean etc etc but I wouldn't answer. he was still blindfolded (and very pissed off!) in the car going home. Finally once W/we got home to be greeted by an ecstatic blind little dog, I took off the blindfold and said "there's your answer". he was somewhat shocked and the lesson lasted for a while! It wouldn't have worked at all if I had answered his question earlier.

For Me, the actual phrase "it's not your place to ask questions of Me!" is a bit of a red flag, it smacks of an unconfident Dominant who doesn't know the answers but isn't game enough (or wise enough) to admit it. The sort that puts Him or Her self on a pedestal without realising that the only way down is to fall off! I learned wayyyy back when I started teaching that this wasn't a smart move, and that the better answer is "I don't know either, let's try and find out!"

So to the OP I would offer this caution ... if this is a habit of this Dominant, then re-think any commitment made to Him ... for as you rightfully say, if a sub can't ask questions, how is she to learn?

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to Dari)

Post #: 6

RE: questioning the Dominant - 10/19/2007 2:56:25 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Why does a mother say the same thing? Sometimes it's the time to teach and sometimes it's the time to obey.

Luckily, you don't have to get stuck with a crappy mom. You get to choose a dom whose training style works well for you.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to MaamJay)

Post #: 7

RE: questioning the Dominant - 10/19/2007 3:25:54 PM

caught4u

Posts: 132
Joined: 5/25/2007
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Less questioning = more trust?

_____________________________

"Be Yourself - Everyone Else is Taken"

~owned by Master of Wind~

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 8

RE: questioning the Dominant - 10/19/2007 3:47:11 PM

CuriousLord

Posts: 3911
Joined: 4/3/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: cheekysmile

why when a Dominant asks a submissive to do something the submissive does not understand the reasoning of, does a Dominant say 'its not your place to ask questions of Me!'

It depends on the dynamic.

Typically, in D/s, the Dom guides- but does not own- the sub. So, in D/s, the Dom is typically expected to give some sort of reasoning for pecular orders.

Typically, in M/s, the Master owns the slave. So, in M/s, the Master need not explain his orders.

quote:

ORIGINAL: cheekysmile
how is a submissive to learn if she cant ask questions?

Not all forms of dynamic allow for unfettered learning. (Yes, yes, I know people, but, hey, let's be honest.. it's pretty damn common.)

In D/s, the sub can simply ask for answers. She can shrug off orders as she so choses; sure, it can lead to her collar being taken away, but it's still within her rights.

In M/s, the Master's will controls what happens. If the Master is surficiently intelligent and aware of what he's doing, he'll typically have a provision for ample communication within his guidelines.

Such as, in my relationship, if I tell my slave to do something- she does it. There are two primary things she can do if she senses something odd in my order.
1. If she sees a conflict- such as, I tell her to enter a room which she believes to have a vicious dog in it- she sees a possible threat to her continued health. She is therefore not only allowed, but olbigated, to point this out to me before performing the order to inform me of the situation. If I tell her to continue, regardless, she is to do so; however, she is allowed to point it out before actually doing the order.
2. If she is unsure of the order, she can simply ask about it. If it's an immediate order, such as, "Go get me refill my cup", though it's already almost full, she would be allowed to ask me about it when she comes back, as the order may seem odd. If it's an order such as, "Go buy more milk at the store tonight", yet we have plenty of milk in the refrigorator, she can ask about it right away.. since asking wouldn't be stalling on the order, as she wouldn't normally have to perform it until that evening.

(in reply to cheekysmile)

Post #: 9

RE: questioning the Dominant - 10/19/2007 4:00:26 PM

LATEXBABY64

Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
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hence experince is the best teach with comes with age yep so say we all

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 10

RE: questioning the Dominant - 10/19/2007 4:21:51 PM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

I'll be honest. It depends on what he wanted you to do, and the way in which you questioned it.
Some orders need to be questioned; and some, well... they are right, you have no need to question it.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to cheekysmile)

Post #: 11

RE: questioning the Dominant - 10/19/2007 5:17:09 PM

stella41b

Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline

That suggests to me a situation where Dominant and submissive probably don't know each other enough before getting into D/s.

The 'it isn't your place' statement clearly indicates that the roles haven't been clearly defined.

In an ideal situation I guess the submissive shouldn't question the Dominant unless it's absolutely necessary, and the Dominant should pay heed to the question to prevent the submissive later thinking 'Well you got that wrong didn't you?'

The more you know your Dominant the better you can serve them, and the more you know your submissive the easier it is to control them.

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(in reply to cheekysmile)

Post #: 12

RE: questioning the Dominant - 10/19/2007 5:32:12 PM

charlotte12

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Joined: 5/9/2006
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I am always allowed to ask my Master why....i am not allowed to demand an answer. If this is only a few Doms who have said this to you i would suggest shrugging it off as bad luck with who you meet. No Dom or Master that i respect would suggest that a slave must obey mindlessly. "Absolute Obedience" does not mean "don't think anymore". If this has happened to you over and over i would perhaps examine how you are asking these questions. A question asked with respect and humility is far more likely to get an answer than one asked with a demanding or bratty attitude. I sometimes don't notice that i'm being demanding until he starts saying "Woman, shut up and let me make the decisions."

_____________________________

Stephan's slaveling

"I'm not superior, I'm just more important." Master (Stephann)

"When you are your freest self, who are you?" Jack Rinella

(in reply to stella41b)

Post #: 13

RE: questioning the Dominant - 10/19/2007 6:20:21 PM

Tigrita

Posts: 484
Joined: 8/16/2007
From: California
Status: offline

quote:

does a Dominant say 'its not your place to ask questions of Me!

That would depend on the dominant. That may be the way it works, and well, in some people's dynamics.

I'd probably do first, and ask questions later, as long as it wouldn't seriously harm me physically or mentally. If it would and he doesn't realize it, I'd let him know and ask questions. We're usually on the same wavelength, so I usually understand his reasoning behind things.

_____________________________

~ Tigrita

There is no right path, only the path you take.

Success is making life happen, versus just letting life happen to you.

"Many of the things I enjoy, I enjoy because I don't enjoy them." - Charlotte

(in reply to cheekysmile)

Post #: 14

RE: questioning the Dominant - 10/19/2007 6:44:22 PM

MRandme

Posts: 661
Joined: 9/24/2007
Status: offline

my Master requires me to ask questions if i don't understand my instructions. i do not ask Him why He has given an order, it isn't my place (and if i can't figure it out immediately, it usually becomes obvious later). If confused, i merely need to say, "Master may i ask a question?" and once given permission, i will ask Him to clarify anything that confuses me.

Additionally, He has told me that He has never punished a slave for anything said while she was kneeling for Him. If i do feel the need to question something, i only need to kneel before first and ask permission.

Most prefer slaves to show initiative -- to think ahead about how to please, instead of waiting to be told what to do -- and that is difficult to do if you don't understand the instructions or exactly what the Master desires.

_____________________________

And thus i conclude with a wish you go well,
Sweet be your dreams, may your happiness swell,
I'll leave you here, for my journey begins
i've gone to be with Him again...

(in reply to Tigrita)

Post #: 15

RE: questioning the Dominant - 10/19/2007 6:49:04 PM

Daddyskittin

Posts: 58
Joined: 9/18/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: cheekysmile

i have always had this niggling question in my head that needs answering, and i thought the best place to ask it would be here, as i know there would be serious answers coming forth.

why when a Dominant asks a submissive to do something the submissive does not understand the reasoning of, does a Dominant say 'its not your place to ask questions of Me!'

how is a submissive to learn if she cant ask questions?

hmmm ok theres 2 questions there, sorry.

looking forward to some answers, thank you

cheeky

To me if I ever asked a question, and the response was... "it's not your place to ask questions of me"... their trying to cope out of answering the question... which would lead to my next thought of... "Well buddy if you can't answer my question... I just can't help you out with whatever you want done"... If I ask a question theres a damn good reason for it... 99.9% of the time it's for clarification ... if a dom... co-worker... or anyone else can not be clear and concise with the directions they are giving me... their just not going to get what they want simple as that... I'm not a guesser nor a mind reader.

_____________________________

Daddyskittin... formally YourShyPet

myspace.com/daddys_kittin

(in reply to cheekysmile)

Post #: 16

RE: questioning the Dominant - 10/19/2007 7:16:24 PM

littlehumbledone

Posts: 72
Joined: 10/2/2007
Status: offline

I'd like to think that if i was unclear about a command or something I was asked to do, then asking a simple question for clarification wouldn't be seen as anything BUT asking for clarification, I'm not sure I'd want to be with someone who did their nana or refused to answer.

_____________________________

...
I don't need anyone to blow out another woman's candle to make mine burn brighter.

(in reply to cheekysmile)

Post #: 17

RE: questioning the Dominant - 10/19/2007 7:39:38 PM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

Some people are into obedience, no questions. Jump before looking type stuff.

The question here is why would a sub who knows she isn't that type get into a relationship with a dom who is that type? And if you didn't know before getting into the relationship, that's your fault for not having learned enough about him to decide whether or not you were compatible.

You need someone you can talk to. He apparently wants someone who can mind read. Tell him you need to sit down and work this out or you're on your way out. Assuming this issue is as important to you as you make it seem. It would be a deal breaker for me. If it is for you, then make that clear. And next time, ask all the important questions and give all the info he needs to know about you before you agree to submit.

(in reply to littlehumbledone)

Post #: 18

RE: questioning the Dominant - 10/19/2007 9:45:38 PM

LadyHugs

Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
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Dear cheekysmile, Ladies and Gentlemen,

In the original post, which often is referred to as OP; when a Dominant punishes you for something out of the blue and then says--"Its not your place to ask, etc." --I would say that they are not trainers and see something they want to imitate/copy but, they hadn't seen it but a few moments prior and suddenly punish when you behave contrary to what they have seen. For me, such is an after thought or in hindsight. Not a good trait in my personal opinion.

For me, training should take place before the fact. Everybody should understand expectations of what will be proper manners, etiquette, rules and such. Dominants are not mind readers and neither are submissives.

That said, if the Dominant said, this isn't the proper time to discuss it but, we will in a few minutes when in private--then pull aside where neither you or the dominant would be seen/heard to discuss something--that is fine. I don't like drama either or embarrass a slave for a laps of memory or such and or a caution that behavior is dangerously going across the line which was agreed to and understood prior to entering a party, club, etc.

Training should not happen during the horse show per se. It should happen before the horse show so both horse and rider know what they need to do. Same for training dogs and almost anything that requires modified behavior.

Just some thoughts.

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to cheekysmile)

Post #: 19

RE: questioning the Dominant - 10/20/2007 4:22:40 AM

Twicehappy2x

Posts: 1096
Joined: 3/27/2007
Status: offline

First of all sweet heart...WOOHOOO...i see boobies! Awesome awesome new picture of you! I am so impressed you put this one up!

Some doms want you to think they KNOW what is best for you and that you trust them right off the bat.

Much like you, for me this is a red flag. Sorry bud, i do not know you that well.

If it is a long term relationship then hopefully there is that trust.

But, and it is a big but here, some subbies, and you are one of them, face it, in all honesty so am i, if it is something i do not already understand, want to know why?

And occasionally even after hearing the why explained nine ways from never, we need a bit of time to dissect this reason why in our own minds to our satisfaction.

There are many who are going to tell you a good subbie never questions why. Perhaps for some dominants that is true. Then there are those dominants who will love and appreciate your inquisitive mind and who will value you more for that.

There are those who find it most enjoyable if the subbie really grasps what it is the dominant is doing, and do it anyway. I know there are times i ask why that Scooter wishes i would just listen to "do".

I also know the big smile and extra tight hugs he gives me when i finally say "ok, i get it" tells me he understands i have an over analytical mind and that he values that about me. (Either that or he is thinking, damn about time.)

_____________________________

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

(in reply to cheekysmile)

Post #: 20

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