closet dom comes out (Full Version)

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thelight -> closet dom comes out (7/31/2005 1:29:30 PM)

hi. i'm new to this site, and entirely new to the lifestyle. i didn't even know i was a dom until recently. i was talking to a friend who is a lesbian dom, and she told me i was. in every relationship i have been in, i have always felt the need to take charge. this has caused some problems, as i was dating women who were not subs. while i could get them to do what i wanted, they seemed to resent the power i had over them, and would retaliate in passive-aggressive ways. my friend said that my problem was that i was a dom, and that a dom needs a sub just as yang needs yin, and so i was destined to have problems because i followed my natural tendency to subjugate my partners, but that they weren't natural subs, so they resisted. this made a lot of sense to me.

she went on to say a bunch of things that didn't make much sense to me. she talked about how the life of a sub seems difficult, and the life of a dom seems easy, but that the opposite is actually the truth, and that my life as a dom will be very lonely until i learn that i am responsible for my sub's happiness, even moreso than she is for mine, and that once i realize this my life well still be lonely, but the loneliness will become bearable.

we were really drunk at the time, so i don't know how much of what she said was drunken babble and how much was true. but what she said resonated with me enough that i thought i should look further into it. so here i am.



greenie -> RE: closet dom comes out (7/31/2005 1:36:06 PM)

Welcome. I hope you find the knowledge you seek.



Superman42280 -> RE: closet dom comes out (7/31/2005 1:50:16 PM)


light, i can relate very much. it's weird, knowing what you know about yourself and discovering it and learning how to deal with these feelings, what to do with them....

ask as many questions as you like, get all the information you can, i say




thelight -> RE: closet dom comes out (7/31/2005 4:13:16 PM)

thank you. you've helped me to feel a bit more comfortable. the more i think about it, the more i realize that my friend was wrong in one respect: she said that the women i had dated before resisted me because they were not subs. here she is wrong. none of them had declared themselves to be subs, but most women i have dated have been very subservient in nature. the difference is that, while they were probably subs, they had not come to accept themselves as such. not had i come to accept myself as a dom. thus, we were stuck in the situation of paying our natually assigned roles, although we had not accepted these roles ourselves.

i have a slew of questions, but for right now, i'll just ask a couple.

first of all, how much of this community revolves around roleplaying? i mean, i'm not really cut out for that kind of thing. i see that many subs are looking for masters who are tall and thin or tal and fit, and that a lot of doms take great care in their appearance. i'm 5'8", a little on the chunky side, and like wearing old loose fitting jeans, big t-shirts, and moccasins. and i'm not going to start working out and wearing leather just so i can fit in with some clique. i'm 32 years old, and it's too late for me to change. can i maintain the appearance i'm accustomed to, and still be respected as a dom?

secondly, i managed to get myself barred from a chat room today. some sub was getting a bit cheekey with me because i said that i was drinking, and so i (playfully, i thought) poured out a shot of whiskey and commanded her to drink it. all of a sudden the whole chat room jumps on my back, telling me that i don't own her etc. etc., and before i could respond, i was banned. the last thing i want to do, in this community or in any other, is to piss people off. is there somewhere i can go to learn the basic etiquette of this community, so that i don't continue to go around making an ass of myself?



EvilTwin -> RE: closet dom comes out (7/31/2005 4:32:02 PM)

Your appearance is mainly important to you and the person who would concider being your submissive.
As to the treatment of submissives...
The way "I" see it. A submissive is a person and as such is deserving of all the courtesies you would afford everyone else.
Just because a person is a submissive or a slave does not mean that they are your slave or are submissive to you.
Naturally assuming that just because you call yourself a Dominant male, a person who is concidered a submissive will bow and scrape or tend to your needs... will get you disliked by said submissive, in deep shit with her Dominant or Master... and limit your possibilities within a set community.


Jim



greenie -> RE: closet dom comes out (7/31/2005 6:05:51 PM)

Although roleplaying can be a part of it for most it isn't the basis for a true bdsm relationship (anyone feel free to correct me if I'm wrong).
I don't think your appearance matters to the extent you think it does. Just like anywhere else there are those seeking tall or short, thin or thick, short hair or long hair, blonde hair or brunettes, older or younger. It's all about personal preferences. Leather isn't a requirement either but some people are really into it while others are not.
It's true that most subs don't like being ordered around by anyone they haven't given permission to and when doing it in jest it's best to know people better first so that you know who can handle the joke and who can't. As far as etiquette goes I know that I myself am always worried about offending other people. I have to force myself to give my opinion (like now) because I still feel unsure of where I fit in here on the forum but I do force myself because if I don't then I would sit here reading to forum and not get involved at all. The basic thing to remember is to be respectful to all.



LRODANDMASTER -> RE: closet dom comes out (7/31/2005 6:35:46 PM)

I THNIK ITS COOL WHEN DOMS COME OUT OF THE CLOSET ITS LIKE A B GRADE HORROR MOVIE



Rubyb -> RE: closet dom comes out (7/31/2005 7:46:42 PM)

Welcome thelight!

Clever name.

quote:

ORIGINAL: thelight

first of all, how much of this community revolves around roleplaying?


Whew, this can be such a trick question and may not have anything to do with you, ever. It all boils down to what type of relationship you are seeking and what type of lady will be the yin to your yang. The two of you could be happy forever not playing with others. Then again, you may find yourself going to a local munch - meet and greet - talking to folks in real life and getting hooked on public scenes. It's your thing, do what you want to do.

quote:

can i maintain the appearance i'm accustomed to, and still be respected as a dom?


Yes, of course you can. EvilTwin is right on target. Now if you want to catch said lady's attention, for a first date or something, you may want to spruce up a bit. You know, combed hair, brushed teeth, smell nice...the usual stuff. You can save the money and skip the new wardrobe, unless you feel a shopping spree coming on.

My hubby and I have been together for 23+ years; jeans and slacks work for him. Course, if we're playing they don't stay on long. [;)]

quote:

secondly, i managed to get myself barred from a chat room today. ... Is there somewhere i can go to learn the basic etiquette of this community, so that i don't continue to go around making an ass of myself?


Sorry to hear about the chat room barring. Learn from it and move on. Go to www.google.com and type in BDSM "chat room etiquette". You'll get lots of hits. There is no one exclusive formal way to behave except with respect for everyone else in the chatroom.

Sometimes, it's better to just lurk. Hang out and read, listen in, but don't participate in a chat until you've gotten the hang of it. For example, if said sub was being cheeky to me, I might have asked, "Where is your master?" or made a comment like, "Are you being cheeky to get my attention?" Anything to call her on it. But then, hey, I wasn't there and hindsight is almost always twenty/twenty.

Not all chatrooms are alike and what you might get away with in one, you certainly would get spanked/barred for in another. Take your time and do your homework. Most folks are really nice as long as you let them know you are new. If you try to pretend to be something you're not, that's a recipe for disaster.

Again, welcome to the site. Have fun and enjoy the journey.

Ruby



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