stella41b
Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline
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I've formed a few D/s relationships this way, and internationally, mainly between the UK and Poland. Some haven't worked out and we never got to meeting, I can think of two attempts which attempted to bring me to the States.
They can work out, but it requires total honesty, openness, trust and commitment on both sides. It also takes time, a lot of time, and unless you're both into online domination (which I'm not) the BDSM or D/s side of things just has to wait until you meet up.
The good thing about it is it gives you a chance to really get to know that person, but from the inside out. This can give you a really good solid foundation on which to build a successful D/s relationship.
It isn't the everyday things which matter. I've been to many countries in Europe, I've been to Africa, and geography aside you'll pretty much find that people do the same things at more or less the same time for the same reasons. People behave in a supermarket in Siberia pretty much the same way as they do in Spain or the UK, and I guess it's pretty much the same in the States too.
If it's nationally you usually don't have quite as many problems, as you usually share the same language, the same culture (more or less), the only thing that's really different is that you don't come from where your partner does.
If it's international then it's different, you got a new culture to learn - especially if you are crossing the Atlantic or are crossing borders in any English-speaking country. The United States and Canada are obvious examples, but the same can also be said for England and Scotland, or England and Ireland, as they also have two completely different cultures and societies. It's these cultural differences which give rise to differences in how people think, how people interact socially, even how they use English. You both have to make allowances for misunderstandings which arise from you not knowing or understanding each other's native culture.
But there's also other problems which need to be taken into account - employment, will you be working? What will you be doing? What opportunities are there for work where you are going? What about healthcare? Accomodation? Pensions? And the biggest hurdle of them all if it's international - immigration.
Correspondence and sharing time together isn't so much a big problem - there's technology - you got e-mail, messages, you got Messenger programs, you got Skype, you got the phone, and if you have a webcam and microphone hooked up to your computer it's almost the same (but not the same) as a face to face meeting.
Some people say that it isn't the same as a face to face meeting. It isn't. But then again a face to face meeting isn't any guarantee that the relationship is going to work out either. The success of the relationship shouldn't depend on your circumstances, it should only depend on how well you both interact and understand each other. Any LDR therefore starts in very very difficult circumstances.
The other thing which is vitally important is to not make any firm long lasting commitments. Neither of you can predict the future. You can guarantee that always some sort of problem or issue will arise or appear which you need to deal with together. The key to the success in developing such a relationship is taking it one step at a time, and building it step by step. Never burn your bridges. Make a first visit, a trial, for a specific period. How long depends on both of you, but it should be a period with a beginning and end. Meeting up is easy, but it's the separation that follows which actually builds the relationship, the knowledge that you only have so much time together, that you only have so much time to make the relationship work. The real relationship - if it exists - is that relationship you have between you after you have both separated and are many miles apart. Only then should you be thinking about committing yourself to the relationship.
Then you have the actual problems of relocating - the friends, family and other people you leave behind, your work, your hobbies and interests, your own personal space, your privacy, all the home comforts and things which are exclusive and personal to you. They will all be far away or even non-existent. Expect to lose a few friends.
Remember you're going into your partner's home, into their lives, their social circle, their family and friends, you'll be sharing their hobbies and interests, eating their food, and you will have to reestablish yourself from scratch, and you will probably find that what you do find, and it will be hard, isn't going to be the same as you had back home. Accept that you're going to feel isolated, lonely, misunderstood, foreign, strange, without privacy, without your own personal space, without even things which are exclusive to you. This will last for some time, and you both have to allow for it.
This is even worse when you go to another country and you and your partner don't share the same language. You are dependent on them. You have to learn the language from scratch, and this is extremely stressful. You'll be sitting there over dinner or at a party listening to a conversation you cannot really understand, only being able to imagine what is being said, not understanding why people are laughing, why they are arguing, even what someone has said which upsets your partner.
In one way I'm lucky, I'm considered bilingual, but even I've had problems. Consider that more than half of my D/s relationships have been in Polish, not English. I find it easier to talk about my feelings in Polish, but the language doesn't have the terminology of English. I recently went through a failed online relationship with a Domme in the States. My first one for years in English, in my own language, and I still had problems talking about my feelings or understanding. She had problems initially understanding how I spoke English, I had problems with her English. She spoke with the typical US Southern standard accent, mine is a soft-spoken vernacular from the North of England, the same words are used, but slightly differently. Unless you're both in the same country, allowances have to be made even with the way you speak.
Don't be fooled by what other people tell you, these relationships can and do work out. My advice is based on a three year long relationship which got me into Poland, it wasn't a D/s relationship, but it doesn't matter. A relationship is a relationship.
I've come back into the UK into a D/s relationship. It didn't last long, a few months, but it ended amicably. I've also left the UK to go into a 24/7 relationship with a younger totally inexperienced Domme. I went into that cold, but she knew me from the community, I knew what I was getting into, and it lasted a year, it also ended very amicably, we're still in touch, and she's now a Pro-Domme.
Making a short visit is essential however if it's going to be 24/7 D/s otherwise you put yourself under a lot of psychological pressure. 24/7 D/s isn't necessarily the same as a 24/7 relationship with elements of D/s or a D/s relationship developed when you're not living together.
I guess what I've written here can be summed up into three key principles, know each other, know where you're going, and take it step by step.
I hope it works out and wish you both happiness and fulfillment.
< Message edited by stella41b -- 10/22/2007 12:16:17 PM >
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RE: Online/LongDistance with the hopes of 24/7 - 
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