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Too many questions - 10/21/2007 11:52:13 PM   
TakenPet


Posts: 147
Joined: 1/12/2007
Status: offline 		Master has decided that he will ignore me for an undefined period of time for something he felt I did wrong.  Anyway, he also feels that I am asking too many questions about his actions, things I never questioned before.  This is going to sound stupid, but what is a good way to make discussing the day and so on not seem so much like questions about his actions?  Sometimes in my eyes the questions seem so innocent but apparently have an overtone that I am not aware of, any suggestions?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Too many questions - 10/22/2007 12:01:39 AM   
PassionateTulip


Posts: 40
Joined: 5/15/2007
Status: offline 		Sounds to me like a communication error. On who's part who knows? If you have something of a safeword or other way of saying "hey, we need to talk" call it out just to discuss comfort and emotional security. It sounds to me you are needing these two things and are getting fairly distressed about it. You need to express that you truly are striving to learn his ways and the best way you know how is through asking questions. Apologize if they overwhelm him, and ask for suggestion on how to approach situations better. You are merely trying to learn, and understand so that in time you can just know without asking. This happens a lot it seems. Doms and Masters and Tops often see a brat or annoyance.... subs and slaves and bottoms just want to please....

PT

(in reply to TakenPet)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Too many questions - 10/22/2007 12:03:12 AM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline 		So, are you okay if that 'undefined' period of time turns out to be a year?

Anyway, once he quits ignoring you ask 'him' how you can discuss the days events without getting the silent treatment. Just be respectful and let him know that you ask because you're interested. The better you know him, the better you can serve as he requires. Without his input, it's all going to be left on your shoulders to 'guess' at how he wants you to serve. Since what you're doing is not working and you're getting in trouble for it, it behooves him to explain exactly how he wants your service and submission to manifest to him.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to TakenPet)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Too many questions - 10/22/2007 12:04:13 AM   
Shawn1066


Posts: 987
Joined: 10/7/2007
Status: offline 		This is probably bad advice...  But I think perhaps you should question his views on questioning. :-p

If he makes it where you can communicate your feelings properly then, in my opinion, he's doing his job incorrectly.  He sounds like he's getting on the defensive way too easy...but I really don't know enough about the situation.  As long as you question without nagging or being disobedient, then I don't see a problem personally.

Either way, it sounds like you need to discuss it with your Master.

(in reply to TakenPet)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Too many questions - 10/22/2007 12:29:17 AM   
SixFootMaster


Posts: 829
Joined: 9/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TakenPet

Master has decided that he will ignore me for an undefined period of time for something he felt I did wrong.  Anyway, he also feels that I am asking too many questions about his actions, things I never questioned before.  This is going to sound stupid, but what is a good way to make discussing the day and so on not seem so much like questions about his actions?  Sometimes in my eyes the questions seem so innocent but apparently have an overtone that I am not aware of, any suggestions?


It is very possible for innocent conversation to come across as an interogation or questioning/nagging. This can happen naturally, but it can also be the result of actual subconcious questioning or the development of trust issues, on your part, or in a "guilty conscience" on the part of your Dom. I wouldn't worry too much at this stage, but look more closely at yourself and why you might be coming across as questioning rather than conversive. As PassionateTulip said, could just be miscommunication, or even unacknowledged stress from work loads or other issues that can cause semantic noise.

(in reply to TakenPet)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Too many questions - 10/22/2007 12:39:29 AM   
mya75


Posts: 300
Joined: 10/14/2007
Status: offline 		Are the questions your asking in regards to you being punished or are they questions regarding you being insecure and asking him things such as where he has been etc. etc... its hard to peg what is really going on because I dont know what it is you are being punished for....if the questions are about your punishment its safe to assume your Masters actions and the form in which he is punishing was discussed prior to you even being collared...sooo with that said I will state if thats the case then you shouldnt be questioning him on your punishment if its something you agreed to and had full knowledge it may or may not happen if you were displeasing.....*scratches her head*....I do agree with what the other person wrote that you should have a safe word to call *time out* per say..so that you can get to the bottom of what your feeling or needing to ask...but remember if it was agreed prior its his right not to answer and then you have to take the consequence....Can you give a little bit of info on why you were displeasing? 
**this was in response to "takenpet" I must have clicked reply to SixFoot**

< Message edited by mya75 -- 10/22/2007 12:43:47 AM >

(in reply to SixFootMaster)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Too many questions - 10/22/2007 3:46:06 AM   
Cyntilating


Posts: 581
Joined: 6/19/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TakenPet

Master has decided that he will ignore me for an undefined period of time for something he felt I did wrong.  Anyway, he also feels that I am asking too many questions about his actions, things I never questioned before.  This is going to sound stupid, but what is a good way to make discussing the day and so on not seem so much like questions about his actions?  Sometimes in my eyes the questions seem so innocent but apparently have an overtone that I am not aware of, any suggestions?

 
so...you are in time-out and he didn't tell you exactly why or for how long?
and... he is also upset because he doesn't feel comfy answering your questions?
 
sounds like HE is the one with the communication problem.
 
Your profile doesn't indicate how long you have been his..
 > has talking with him always been this way?
>has he recently changed the way he shares his day with you and asks you about yours?
>is being tempermental and confusing about his expectations of you a recent thing?
 
I know every relationship is different and everyone has their own "way" of defining what works for them, but
        this would send up a warning flag if it were to happen to me in mine>> I am expected and encouraged to talk about anything and everything I am thinking and feeling.  It builds trust and represents that he wants all of me to be his.
 
I feel completely safe in my submission to him because he has defined clearly what is expected of me.  Not every situation can be covered, but I know the ones he hasn't made his preferences clear about > he would also NOT punish me over.  He would explain where & why I displeased him and he would supply me clearly with the information I need to avoid doing that again.
It is logical, it is clear, it builds trust and security.
 
The scenario you describe makes me think>
   deception..or at the very least isolation on his part.
 
so I can only imagine how this must be feeling to YOU, the one he owns.
 
Assuming this is a well-established relationship that has earned your complete trust in other ways/areas>
  Then I would say use the "timeout" to write down all the things you're thinking about.  How this made you feel.  Ask your questions about how better to know his expectations of you? how he wants you to communicate?
etc
and then present the letter to him at the end of your punishment and ask for an open sharing time when it( your letter) can be completely discussed openly and without the trepidation of being punished over anything you might need to say.
 

 
 
 
 
 

< Message edited by Cyntilating -- 10/22/2007 4:14:28 AM >

_____________________________

Cyndi

.."There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. " Edith Wharton

(in reply to TakenPet)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Too many questions - 10/22/2007 4:27:14 AM   
Littlepita


Posts: 1430
Joined: 10/6/2005
Status: offline 		I don't understand why a Master would ignore their slave. Can't he find a more constructive way of getting what he wants? Sounds very immature to me.

As far as asking questions goes if he doesn't make the rules clear how can it be your fault? And not asking questions would be a big red flag to me. Just saying.

_____________________________

“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.” – Anais Nin

(in reply to Cyntilating)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Too many questions - 10/22/2007 5:29:20 AM   
batshalom


Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TakenPet

Master has decided that he will ignore me for an undefined period of time for something he felt I did wrong.  Anyway, he also feels that I am asking too many questions about his actions, things I never questioned before.  This is going to sound stupid, but what is a good way to make discussing the day and so on not seem so much like questions about his actions?  Sometimes in my eyes the questions seem so innocent but apparently have an overtone that I am not aware of, any suggestions?


It is difficult to direct without more input. Can you give examples of your part of the discussion, and his replies (making sure they are absolutely accurate, of course - we tend to want to put our own actions and words in the most positive light possible)? Perhaps if we saw the exchange it would be possible to advise with more clarity.

(in reply to TakenPet)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Too many questions - 10/22/2007 6:26:24 AM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		So if a month goes by, will you be happy to talk to him again or will you be so resentful that you've started looking for someone else?

Me? I wouldn't be with someone that immature.

The Man has said he's upset and we'll talk about it after he's calmed down. I've said the same, that I simply can't think it through and need some time to do so before I can talk without getting upset. But that's different. And we always talk the next day as usually tiredness exacerbates the problem.

But questions in the beginning were never wrong. He knew that it would be foolish to expect huge amounts of trust before we had sufficient history together so that he had earned it. He also knew that  being new to wiitwd, I simply didn't understand.

These days I can also ask questions if I need to. The major problem we have is one of style, he likes to draw the big picture and then go back and deal with the details whereas I prefer to get the details cleared up as we go along. Usually I keep track of things on paper as they occur to me and we then go back and discuss the details. This way I don't worry that something important will be forgotten. But if I am feeling insecure, he doesn't make me feel more insecure as punishment. He addresses the insecurity instead.

(in reply to batshalom)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Too many questions - 10/22/2007 8:08:57 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		You chose for him to be your master- why is his behavior surprising you now?  Is he acting differently than how you were taught to expect him?

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Celeste43)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Too many questions - 10/23/2007 6:54:34 PM   
RosesHaveThorns


Posts: 312
Joined: 10/14/2007
Status: offline 		Assuming that these questions are just asking about his day (How was it, how was lunch, how was work, etc)...

Now, this might come off as a bit sexist, and generalist, but sometimes men and women do actually conform to their gender roles. This might not be what is happening, I'm not sure. But to me, this looks like it be be a case of a woman communicating as she is taught conflicting with how a man is taught to communicate. The woman's (VERY STEREOTYPICAL) gender role tells her to ask questions to invite conversation to bond and to know how her partner is doing. A (VERY STEREOTYPICAL) man often only asks to exchange information.

So, if this guess is right, an innocent question of "How was your day?" might seem to you to carry the idea of "I want to know how your day was to feel close". While to him, it's "I need to know what you have done. There is information here that I seek". Now, asking for information indirectly, not that you are actually doing it, he's just taking it that way thanks to cultural conditioning, could be seen as trying to keep tabs on him or suspecting him of something.

If you think that this might be right, ask yourself: Are you asking to feel connected to him? Is he very talkative, or the strong silent type? I admit very easily that I could very well be wrong.

If on the other hand, this is or is related to the issue...Remember that if you and your partner have vastly different communication styles, you might be punished again for it. However, do you accept it in order to please your master and to understand him fully?

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 12
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