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Saying no all the time? - 10/22/2007 6:27:37 AM   
sweetnurseBBW


Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline 		A friend and I were talking and she stated that every time she asked for something  play related, like a spanking, flogging etc she was told no. I asked why. She says her dom says it is because he is teaching her obedience.  The have been together 2 years.

What is the purpose of saying no to all requests? 
I ask for things and sometimes am granted and sometimes not. It depends on if Masters decision is that I need or he wants me to have the certain request. If I heard no every single time I would feel as if me communicating anything didn't matter after a while.

Thoughts?

< Message edited by sweetnurseBBW -- 10/22/2007 6:30:14 AM >

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RE: Saying no all the time? - 10/22/2007 6:51:13 AM   
RRafe


Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline 		Sounds like the guy is full of himself.

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I seem to be some wierd combination of Ren and Stimpy

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RE: Saying no all the time? - 10/22/2007 6:51:40 AM   
Rushemery


Posts: 310
Joined: 9/10/2007
Status: offline 		maybe she asks for too much, there isnt enough imformation about the relationship and we are only hearing one side, is she not happy with what she aleady has?
I do agree that being told No all the time isnt really a good thing

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RE: Saying no all the time? - 10/22/2007 6:52:40 AM   
Squeakers


Posts: 489
Joined: 10/3/2006
Status: offline 		        Since I do not know the couple I can only guess.    Maybe he is not a physical Dom, maybe he does not like that sort of 'play'.    There are many different types of people out there.   Maybe this is really his way of teaching obedience.
       Because she has been in the relationship for two years, maybe this method just works for them.    If she is having a problem with it, then she should request to speak to him about it.         

< Message edited by Squeakers -- 10/22/2007 6:53:42 AM >

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RE: Saying no all the time? - 10/22/2007 6:54:43 AM   
RRafe


Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Squeakers

       Since I do not know the couple I can only guess.    Maybe he is not a physical Dom, maybe he does not like that sort of 'play'.    There are many different types of people out there.   Maybe this is really his way of teaching obedience.
      Because she has been in the relationship for two years, maybe this method just works for them.    If she is having a problem with it, then she should request to speak to him about it.         


NO

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RE: Saying no all the time? - 10/22/2007 7:02:06 AM   
sweetnurseBBW


Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline 		He is a physical dom. They play in the local dungeons. She has asked about it in the past and the answer is always it is about obedience. They don't live together but see each other alot so not sure what his way of thinking is. Just seems a little different to me.

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RE: Saying no all the time? - 10/22/2007 7:19:28 AM   
came4U


Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline 		maybe he only values her as exhibition material at the dungeons, and wants to keep the relationship just at that level and no more??

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RE: Saying no all the time? - 10/22/2007 7:31:46 AM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline 		Usual disclaimers:  not a lot has been brought out about the D/s dynamic involved here, my opinions are mine only, etc., etc..

I don't think saying no all the time is a good thing and personally, I can't think of any submissive I have been involved with who would have wanted to hear it all the time and who...when told "no" about every fun thing they wanted to do while always being told to do the menial, non-fun stuff or the learning or the hard stuff...wouldn't have eventually said "F*** this and headed out to find a dominant more amenable to some of the more pleasurable aspects as well as the more drudging ones.

Obedience is taught by a mixture of affirmatives and nays in my world...not by all of one or all of the other. 

I am also a bit suspicious about the idea of only being used for play when out in front of others anymore but that is my own cynicism coming through.  I would have to hear more about the dynamic before I came to a definite conclusion about that.

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RE: Saying no all the time? - 10/22/2007 7:50:43 AM   
Invisibleogre242


Posts: 11
Joined: 9/28/2007
Status: offline 		Oh so true..After 2 years, you would think that asserting your dominance by denying her things that she wants might not be a huge priority, and after that long, he should already know his sub well enough not to have to be a total prick.It comes off as a total ego trip. But every relationship is different, and she is still with the guy, so he must be doing something right...

< Message edited by Invisibleogre242 -- 10/22/2007 7:51:12 AM >

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RE: Saying no all the time? - 10/22/2007 8:12:41 AM   
batshalom


Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline 		Maybe he gets off on her reaction. Surely after two years her reaction has changed from heady expectation to complete frustration and / or annoyance. If he never gives her what she asks for, remove the asking and see what changes.

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RE: Saying no all the time? - 10/22/2007 8:15:44 AM   
toservez


Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Squeakers

        Since I do not know the couple I can only guess.    Maybe he is not a physical Dom, maybe he does not like that sort of 'play'.    There are many different types of people out there.   Maybe this is really his way of teaching obedience.
       Because she has been in the relationship for two years, maybe this method just works for them.    If she is having a problem with it, then she should request to speak to him about it.         


I think this and what came4U wrote is a distinct possibility. There are people in this life that it has more to do with a social life then anything in private. There are also people where these things do not have any pleasure association with them. If he truly believes it is only for obedience then this combination would be my best guess.

The only else I can think is this could be a control issue to him and if she asks for something and gets it then he is a little insecure and feels this hurts their dynamic. I just though think most people of this nature tend to be on the extreme side of control issues.



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RE: Saying no all the time? - 10/22/2007 8:29:36 AM   
meticulousgirl


Posts: 969
Joined: 2/20/2007
Status: offline 		interesting, not much insight on that one....to me it's not an obedience issue it's more of what mental state is the Dom and sub in.  Mind you this has been very limited in detail so i'm thinking there is more to this.

Has the sub misbehaived and we are not aware of it, is there some form of stress that needs to be taken care of first prior to engaging in physical, are there health problems that have come up....there are a ton of things that could be causing this and many of us are sitting here jumping to conclusions when we dont know the whole story.

~meticulous~

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RE: Saying no all the time? - 10/22/2007 8:57:00 AM   
chellekitty


Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline 		FR...
quick response to meticulous before i respond to the OP....if she misbehaved and did not know about it and is being punished for it....what good would the punishment be....how could she correct the bahvior if she doesn't know what she is being punished for? just like Doms are not mind readers, neither are subs....

to the OP....you said that she is denied all requests to play...but you didn't say that she doesn't play at all...there is a big difference...some Dominants, crazy as it sounds, like to have control over when they play...and they consider playing when the sub asks for it to not be in control...especially if the sub is asking at inappropriate times...so....you gave us a very narrow picture...and i am sure there is much more to the story than what has been told....

chelle


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RE: Saying no all the time? - 10/22/2007 9:03:09 AM   
Estring


Posts: 3314
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Status: offline 		He's probably tired out from the other subs he plays with.

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RE: Saying no all the time? - 10/22/2007 9:36:22 AM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetnurseBBW
What is the purpose of saying no to all requests?

Because he can?  Sounds a bit silly to me but not all that unusual.  I think some dominant's think they're not being "domly" unless they deny any request, are overly harsh, etc.  Isn't that how we tell they are the dom?  The one who is always saying "no" and swinging the whip (figuratively?)

quote:

I ask for things and sometimes am granted and sometimes not. It depends on if Masters decision is that I need or he wants me to have the certain request. If I heard no every single time I would feel as if me communicating anything didn't matter after a while

I agree with you here, sweetnurse.  If one gets to the point where they know they are always going to be denied anything they mention, why ever ask?  And while this may sound like a hot little fantasy (a silent, never-asking slave), in my opinion, it's not the wisest path to take.  I am to ask with the full knowledge that the answer may well be "no" or "not now" or something like that.  I also know how I am to act upon receiving such a response (still respectful, not pouting or sulky or angry, etc).  As I've said over and over here on the forums, in our relationship, asking is not topping.  Asking is being open, transparent, and honest and I'm adult and mature enough to handle it when the answer isn't what I sought.

Seems like a real lack of effective communication going on here.  She should definitely tell him how this is affecting her and see what, if anything, he wishes to do about it...................luci 

< Message edited by slaveluci -- 10/22/2007 9:37:59 AM >

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RE: Saying no all the time? - 10/22/2007 2:16:45 PM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		I always think of those types who feel ever granting a request lacks dominance are majorly insecure. Unless they discussed ahead of time how often she needs to play, and he adheres to that schedule, he could just no her into saying no to him.

Eventually, not fulfilling someone else's needs will come back to bite you in the ass.

Is there a possibility that he prefers a bratty type and she isn't? That he wants an excuse to inflict pain as punishment because he isn't comfortable just playing? And therefore is trying to provoke her into acting up? There's a lot of talk about immature subs but there are just as many immature dominants.

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RE: Saying no all the time? - 10/22/2007 2:25:18 PM   
Squeakers


Posts: 489
Joined: 10/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RRafe

quote:

ORIGINAL: Squeakers

      Since I do not know the couple I can only guess.    Maybe he is not a physical Dom, maybe he does not like that sort of 'play'.    There are many different types of people out there.   Maybe this is really his way of teaching obedience.
     Because she has been in the relationship for two years, maybe this method just works for them.    If she is having a problem with it, then she should request to speak to him about it.         


NO
No what?

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RE: Saying no all the time? - 10/22/2007 3:36:51 PM   
chellekitty


Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline 		so...again,...my questions...

does she ever get play?

does she ask at inappropriate times? like as he's walking out the door to go to work....or while he's talking to someone...or in the middle of dinner...

the whole story is not being told in attempt to get us to gang up against the big bad Master....or maybe he is being unfair...but...whats the whole story?


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One thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve. ~Albert Schweitzer

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RE: Saying no all the time? - 10/22/2007 5:03:38 PM   
came4U


Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline
quote:

every time she asked for something  play related, like a spanking, flogging etc she was told no. I asked why. She says her dom says it is because he is teaching her obedience.


I can't believe I let THAT slip by my pea brain the first time.

Asking for a lil abuse/play and he says no?

Well, god forbid he just might be in charge of deciding when and where that occurs. LOL

Hell, she best watch out, asking too much could turn into one hell of a beatin'.

Ask and you shall recieve., or not.

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RE: Saying no all the time? - 10/22/2007 5:23:31 PM   
angelic


Posts: 1807
Joined: 1/24/2005
Status: offline 		Does it bother her?  If he is her first Master, maybe she thinks that is 'the way it is done' and that all (or most) Masters do this. 

I really am curious how she reacts to his consistently telling her no. 

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