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julietsierra -> RE: Saying no all the time? (10/23/2007 5:34:34 PM)
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*grin* I love threads like this!!
Just for a moment, consider something beyond what's on the surface. Just for a moment, consider what it is that the dominant in this thread might be doing. No, it's not some maligned need to be lording over someone. No, it's not his ego talking. No. Simply No.
Like it or not, the dominant has an agenda that is his. It is not shaped by "community standards." It is not shaped by what everyone else does or thinks should happen. It is shaped by his vision of how things should work in HIS world. And since he's the dominant, he's going to shape his world to fit his vision. There's really nothing wrong with that. In fact, the submissive is also finding shape to her world. If their shapes match well, it'll work. If they don't, it won't. It's pretty simple.
So...anyway, when she asks for things, he says no. Here's the clue. Don't ask. Seriously. Don't ask. I didn't say "don't communicate" I said "don't ask."
Like it or not, call him names or not, to this dominant - if I were to guess - he's interested in being the initiator. So, you inform. "Wow, that looks like fun! That looks scary, that looks interesting" You question. "have you ever done that before? If you have, how did those other people like it? What was fascinating about it?" You do both. "Wow, that looks like fun. Have you ever done that before? I wonder what that feels like." In short, you let him know you're interested.
And then you let him make the decision to do what he wants to do - with you, for you and to you.
It DOES involve the development of obedience. It DOES involved the cultivation of patience. And it DOES sometimes involve frustration. Hell! You're learning a new way of being!
And you know what? As you watch more carefully, you'll find that as you stop asking for things, you receive more than you ever thought imaginable. He begins to experiement with your body, your mind and your emotions. You stop pursuing your own agenda long enough to notice things you never noticed before. You notice that when you express an interest, without the stated request, he wants to do this with you. You notice that the more often you do this, the more often what you actually desire comes through. And you discover that he really IS paying attention to what you say, what you do and how you submit.
Is this for everyone? Absolutely not. Most people can't manage it. Those that do however, find they thrive in such an environment. They blossom. And they grow to trust that dominant more thna they've ever trusted anyone in their lives. Most importantly, they can come to trust in themselves.
Lots of people feel that frustration and refuse to take that road. But like Robert Frost's The Road Not Taken... when someone opts to take the road less traveled, they find it makes all the difference.
juliet
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