confused.. dont know what to do... (Full Version)

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amazed40 -> confused.. dont know what to do... (2/14/2004 6:27:11 PM)

I was suppose to meet this Dom. We have been talking for a couple of months by phone everyday. I told him from the beginning that i was not ready. He was agreeable because he just released a sub he was with for a year. He was in the healing process. He did push to meet me many times. And one time i did agree. It did not work out for me i could not make it. I had to work double shifts so i called him and told him. We planned it again. And it did not happen again. Needless to say i feel real terrible about it. I do not like to disappoint him. He is now not talking to me. What i do not understand is why do people have to put a "time frame" on things in life. Should i contact him? Or should i let it go? I miss talking to him. But in the same token I feel he pushed me from day one.
i am confused. any advice would be greatly appreciated.. thank you



Estring -> RE: confused.. dont know what to do... (2/14/2004 10:09:19 PM)

First off, I would guess from his point of view, he is feeling that you stood him up twice. He has either decided to move on, or he is punishing you by ignoring you for awhile.
But the bigger concern is how this relationship has started off. He is pushing you and you have been uncomfortable with that from the start. Not a great way to begin a relationship. My feeling is you lucked out by his leaving you. It would have only gotten worse. Learn from this. If it doesn't feel right, it isn't.



SherriA -> RE: confused.. dont know what to do... (2/14/2004 10:29:40 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: amazed40
What i do not understand is why do people have to put a "time frame" on things in life.


I don't put a "time frame" on interactions, but I"m also not willing to invest more than a couple of weeks talking to someone online/on the phone before I meet them face to face. There's simply too much that you can't guage without some time sitting across the table from someone, imnsho. My time is valuable, and I"m not going to spend it talking to someone who has no intention of ever coming out from behind a computer screen (and there are a LOT of people who say they want to meet, but really don't ever plan to do so. BTDT.)

So, from my point of view, while i don't have a specific time line, once someone is unable/unwilling to meet face to face in a few weeks, they automatically go on the "not serious" list, and as such get a lot less of my valuable time. If they've agreed to meet and haven't shown, their credibility goes down even further. You've cancelled on him twice? If it was me, i'd be thinking "fool me once, shame on you...fool me twice, shame on me", and walking away. That's how it would look through my personal filters.

-- Sherri



BondageMstr -> RE: confused.. dont know what to do... (2/26/2004 3:53:43 AM)

Dear Confussed,
While I DO understand your problem I must also point out that there are a lot of subs out there who tend to lead men on only to drop them when somthing better comes along or they get tired of the cyber. The fact that you missed TWO appointments probably made him think that you were just playing him along. I also have to wonder if, SUBconsciously, you might have made the dates for times that you MIGHT have had to do something else because you resented the fact that you felt pushed.
Now, after having said THAT I think you should call him IF you really do like him but make sure you can make the next appointment. It might be best to make it on a weekend so you are sure to be there. Make it clear that it is ONLY to get to meet and maybe go out to dinner in a public place and that is all it will go so he knows what is expected up front and agrees to that. That might relieve any pressure you both feel. Good luck.



MizSuz -> RE: confused.. dont know what to do... (2/26/2004 5:19:20 PM)

As Sherri said "My personal filters...."

I'm much of the same mind as Sherri. The fact that you called the first time would have been the only reason you got a second opportunity with me. After the second no show I wouldn't be taking you seriously or responding either.

Online as a 'getting to know you' tool is incredibly limited and often skewed by our own perceptions. There is NOTHING that can take the place of face-time for better assessing a situation. Online is a wonderful (although still limited) tool for facilitating communication between people who already know one another. As a getting to know you tool it is a bit too much like mental masturbation to suit me.

You said that you'd been clear with him that you were 'not ready' and yet you made an appointment to meet; two appointments, in fact. I would call that mixed signals.

You say you felt pushed but still you remained engaged and even now 'miss talking to him.' My assessment of that is that you have been enjoying controlling the interaction to get what serves you out of it. Real time might take some of that control away. More mental masturbation, he's simply stopped consenting to jilling you off.

I wouldn't be talking to you anymore, either.

Perhaps what's really in order for you is a more honest look at yourself and what you want, then examining the ways that you go about getting it.



JerryInTampa -> RE: confused.. dont know what to do... (2/27/2004 6:46:26 AM)

I'm going to have to agree. I had a local sub do just that. Because there is such a drop-off problem, I suggested a face-to-face and she agreed. She called the day of and cancelled. I asked if she was still interested and she said "yes", so I arranged for another day (3 weeks away). I called her a few days before (we had been in continued IM contact) but got an answering machine; I called her again the day of, and she said she was still trying to get a baby-sitter. I offered that she bring her child (we were meeting for dinner), but she said she wanted a sitter. I told her that it was fine if she didn't want to get together, but she assured me she did. She never managed it.

After that, I just wrote her off. If she had wanted to get together, all she needed to do was contact me. She didn't. I cannot relate the number of times I've been given lip service for people that never come through. If someone is not ready, that's fine... but I probably have other places to pu my attention; if someone says they are but is unwilling to actually put up (unwilling to get on the phne, unwilling to meet, etc), then what am I supposed to do? What I do is stop persuing until they get bored or come around. There's not point chasing someone who does not put effort back.



ShadowHwk -> RE: confused.. dont know what to do... (2/27/2004 7:09:54 AM)

Just my .02 here.....your milage may vary....

It might be useful if you look at this from a somewhat different perspective, a vanilla one at that: Imagine he was a vanilla guy in which you were interested. He asks you out and you agree, but at the last minute he cancels – good reasons mind you, but he still cancels. Then you talk some more and he asks you out again, and you accept. Once again he cancels – how are you going to be feeling at this point? Would you want to “bother” any more? I think you would probably want him to make some significant gesture(s) before you would even consider making another date. Just a thought.

Terry
AKA ShadowHwk



robert1699 -> RE: confused.. dont know what to do... (2/27/2004 7:41:06 AM)

Amaze, i think you have to ask yourself, do you want to make the time for this lifestyle? Then change your life to fullfill that need. Again, perhaps, there was some unspoken sub-text in your conversations that you didn't hear but your sub-conscience did, ones that said he was not for you. I find if I don't meet in the first 30 days forget it . well if they are clever and amusing, on line chat can be fun. Reality and online rarely meet, the phone is better but only a little ( i use to work with this woman that in person was really TOO much, but on the phone she could seduce almost anyone, amazing phone skills!!!). So a-maze, unmaze yourself , yes?



UrsusDomesticus -> RE: confused.. dont know what to do... (3/4/2004 8:42:38 PM)

Hi confused:

There are a couple of possibilities here. Cyber relations are notorious for skipped commitments. This guy may have been stood up before and may be overly sensitive to the possibility that this may have happened again.

But I think more so that, had he truly been interested or real or whatever, he would at least have the courtesy to reply to your repeated e-mails. Let him go dear. There are plenty of doms out here for you to meet and love.

Bear



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