AAkasha
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Joined: 11/27/2004
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As a sort of "sister thread" to my topic "How to become an amazing domina," I wanted to offer some possibly not obvious advice to submissives who are introducing femdom to their willing (or unwilling, or barely willing) girlfriend or wife. If you think being a good slave/submissive really boils down to being obedient, being eager to serve, or being shameless (or "having few limits") - you are in for a surprise. None of these things mean a hill of beans to a new femdom (or, often, to any femdom). In fact, being eager can bite you in the ass, being shamelss can turn a woman's stomach, and having few limits can be a death sentence to a new sub. It will have her running for the hills.
Here are some "no nonsense" tips from one femdom. Male subs with new, learning, novice femdoms should:
1. Never offer toys, BDSM erotica or movies as "help"
Nothing will turn a woman's stomach faster than femdom porn or toys given to her as a gift. The same goes for fetish gear, no matter how "sexy" you think she will look on it. All of these items will confuse, intimidate, or turn off a woman who is just learning about female domination. Remember, most of this gear was designed by men, for men for the purpose of male stimulation.
2. Give her plenty of space and time, and offer a "BDSM hiatus" once you have the talk
As soon as she knows what you are trying to introduce into the relationship, offer a time period (at least one month) where you will not bring it up again. Tell her you are giving her all the space she needs to do her own research and come up with her own scenarios on her time frame. This means no hinting, no bringing it up and no helpful advice from you. It also proves to her that you love HER, not the kink.
3. Do not look for thrills on the side. Cut out the online Mistresses that you are hiding.
If you are working on fixing your relationship with your primary partner, do both of you a favor and stop any "looking on the side" you were doing, no matter how harmless you felt it was. You should focus your heart on one place. Besides, if/when she catches you getting your kink on the side, your devotion and promises will come off as flat an insincere.
4. When she starts any form of domination, don't bowl her over with goofy, lame, or weird submissiveness
Try to remain as "normal" as you can, from a masculinity standpoint, as you see her take the first steps into domination. In other words, don't shoot yourself so far into submissive bliss that you are a cowering, groveling, weak thing. Don't believe that if you shower her with your super-subliness that she will bask in the glory of her new found power. In reality, you might turn her off. It's safest to deviate only slightly from your side that she knows well; show glimpses of vulnerability. Be coy. Be attractive. Observe her body language and how she is reacting to *your* submissiveness to try to get a sense of her comfort level with the situation. You will be able to tell what's working.
5. Don't become that 'instant sub' you have read about. Instead, follow her cues.
If you are already spouting, "Yes Mistress! No Mistress!" to your novice domina just because she raised her tone and took a stern attitude, you are pushing your fantasy on her. Instead, concentrate on showing your focus in other ways. Use eye contact. Listen attentively. Use her name gently and with respect. Follow her commands eagerly, but don't lay it on so thick that it's campy. Let her set the pace. It may be a snail pace. But it's her pace. You will never get anywhere, trust me, if you are at submissive level 9 (out of 10) when she barely switched on the femdom baby steps at level 1 (out of 10). She'll wonder who stole her husband and replaced him with this submissive robot. Worse, she will want to know how to get rid of that robot - and fast.
6. Have a very thorough download afterward
Or, the next day. Take some time to talk about what she did and how it made you feel. Tell her what pushed your butons, but also asked what pushed hers. Be open and honest and ready to hear things. Ask her if your submissive reactions were weird to her - did they make her uncomfortable? Get a sense of what she enjoyed most so you can build on that. To help her self confidence, make sure you let her know that you felt incredibly submissive toward her, that she was a believable dominant, and that it was better than anything. She may be showing insecurity at this time, and that's when she needs praise and encouragement. Remind her how sexy she is - when she is/is NOT being your femdom.
7. Thank her afterward, thank her again the next day, and use sincere, heartfelt words to appreciate the steps she took.
But, don't obsess! Some subs get so excited that they can't stop talking about it and praising her, and all of a sudden she's feeling pressured again. Balance your praise with completely non-kinky affection. Send her roses the next day with a simple, "Thank you." Once you thank her, state that you are not going to keep bringing it up because you don't want to bombard her, but tell her you are ready for more, whenever she is.
8. Make an effort to show your appreciation in the following days
But do not show it only regarding the kink; in other words, don't let her feel like she's just becoming a fetish for you. Make sure you appreciate all that she does, and acknowledge her qualities as a whole woman.
9. Never posture submissive to try to get her in the mood
Always wait for her to initiate.
10. Be proactive when it comes to service, and pleasing
This is different from posturing submissive. "Posturing" means you are adopting a persona that is designed to solicit orders or domination. Being proactively serving is taking it upon yourself to do things that please her, without expecting domination in return.
Those are just a few tips that come to mind. Other femdoms might have additional insight. I think the most important thing for submissive men to realize is that they must completely eliminate stereotypical submissive thinking from their mind, because the way they "behave" when their woman is dominating them ends up being a turn off to the woman. You pretty much eliminate your chances of ongoing power exchange if submission turns you into something your woman finds repulsive. You have to find out where her comfort zones are regarding this. After all, she may fear losing respect for you if you behave ridiculously because you go way over the top with your groveling. It's about her pleasure; find ways to submit to her that are exciting, arousing and make her want more.
If you feel sad that your inner-most-slut may never see the light of day, don't fear. When many women take the initial steps, they find themselves expanding their comfort zones. It's a growth process. What she finds awkward or creepy now she may find exciting and edgy a few months from now. I always remind submissive men that even I, as a "born to dominate" femdom, have many acts that I lovingly engage in now that years ago I would have said "No way." Furthermore, if I was introduced to those acts when I took my first steps into domination as a curious youth with my first boyfriend, I would have found them "ridiculous and stupid." Funny how you grow, experiment, and learn.
Akasha
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