Very simple question...

Very simple question... (Full Version)

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LuckyLindy -> Very simple question... (10/25/2007 4:58:10 PM)
I’m not yet experienced enough to know EXACTLY what it is I’m looking for. I have ideas and beliefs, but I’m not going to give a concrete answer when in reality, I’m not entirely sure, I dont think that's fair to either of us. What inevitably happens is I give examples and comparisons to the one real past D/s relationship I’ve had. I think what I’m getting at is this…. Is it fair to give those kinds of examples and comparisons, or is it better left at an honest “I’m not sure.”?

Estring -> RE: Very simple question... (10/25/2007 5:07:10 PM)
I think bringing up a past relationship would be okay ocassionally, but bringing it up too much could cause problems. Talking about what you might be interested in pursuing would be better.

angelikaJ -> RE: Very simple question... (10/25/2007 5:09:25 PM)
My opinion: I don't think it has to be an either/or situation. I believe the answer may include both components. Your experience has been.... and You aren't really sure... are both valid. aJ

Vanatru -> RE: Very simple question... (10/25/2007 6:12:10 PM)
depersonalize the experience, instead of it being about who you were with, think of it as what kinda guy they were, how you felt about them and what they were doing, that sorta thing. Potentional partners don't really want to be compared to someone from your past, but are generally open to understanding what you like and want to know (in general terms) what kind of experience you have.

PryderiLoup -> RE: Very simple question... (10/25/2007 7:19:09 PM)
I tend to overthink things... Perhaps you are too?

SmokingGun82 -> RE: Very simple question... (10/25/2007 7:38:33 PM)
Personally, I don't mind when someone brings up an ex... as long as they're capable of talking about something else, and as long as it's not a "Well, Numbnuts McGee did it this way/says this, and you don't agree... you're wrong" situation. That will simply annoy me. Overall, the advice to present it less as "Well, the other guy did this" and more "I like this, that, the other" is reasonable, and framing it in that manner might make it bite less. Or, simply take it on a case by case basis- some people really dislike discussing ex's, others don't mind. Ask whoever it is you're talking to, and go from there.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Very simple question... (10/25/2007 10:21:20 PM)
You have an idea of what you want, you know what your bondaries are, you refuse to deny who you are and compromise being true to yourself. That's all you really need. At that point you have to find out what you will BECOME together and if that works for you both.

goodpet -> RE: Very simple question... (10/26/2007 4:47:18 AM)
You sound like you are on the right track. We are a combinantion of what we think we want and how expereinces have molded that thinking.. use them both when sharing with potentials. Vanatru said it well, share the experience and what you learned about yourself but don't dwell on the person. Personally I think it is good for new folks to spend time watching other relationships, talking to other relationship and learning all the different kinds that there are. Even find folks who will help you explore, try the different kinds/levels out.. for a night, a day, a weekend, or even longer, until you find the match.. keep exploring and learning.. good luck Ann

toservez -> RE: Very simple question... (10/26/2007 8:47:23 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: goodpet You sound like you are on the right track. We are a combinantion of what we think we want and how expereinces have molded that thinking.. use them both when sharing with potentials. Vanatru said it well, share the experience and what you learned about yourself but don't dwell on the person. Personally I think it is good for new folks to spend time watching other relationships, talking to other relationship and learning all the different kinds that there are. Even find folks who will help you explore, try the different kinds/levels out.. for a night, a day, a weekend, or even longer, until you find the match.. keep exploring and learning.. good luck Ann I echo this very much including what Vanatru wrote. Stating past experience is not a problem at all. Stating it in a personal way or judging current based on the past to change them is bad. It sound to me that you are realistic and have a good head on your shoulders. It is so pleasant and refreshing to read a post like this in all honesty. Lin

VieVivante -> RE: Very simple question... (10/26/2007 9:31:59 AM)
There is certainly nothing wrong with saying "I don't know" or "I'm not sure". Just do not let someone use that uncertainty against you by trying to tell you "this is the way it is done". If you don't feel comfortable, you should speak out. The right Dom will listen and act accordingly. Really, the not knowing can be a source of tremendous adventure and fun when you are with somebody who would enjoy exploring all those corners of your being.

laurell3 -> RE: Very simple question... (10/26/2007 9:41:14 AM)
It's not really a simple question and it's one only you can answer. Prior experiences are important to share, biterness over prior relationships or explicit details about actual prior lovers, not so much so. Often prior experiences are only as good as the person they were with. You know what you absolutely won't do and don't find at all appealing. Set those as hard limits and go from there. I would suggest to you, however, that your viewpoints will most likely change over time. After 10 years I still hear myself saying, ok I'll try it for you but I can't guarantee I will want to do it again. Communicate what you've said here, I don't know I'll try it, or I don't know and I want to start with the basics, whatever it is you feel is appropriate for you. The bottom line is you have the power when it comes to negotiating what you want, don't let anyone convince you otherwise. good luck to you, l

TakenPet -> RE: Very simple question... (10/26/2007 10:08:17 AM)
I think there is some good advice here, depersonalize the experience but stay true to who you are, and play with what you think you know you want. Be honest if you really are unsure, try to keep your mind open and above all have fun and stay safe.

DiurnalVampire -> RE: Very simple question... (10/26/2007 10:14:33 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyLindy I think what I’m getting at is this…. Is it fair to give those kinds of examples and comparisons, or is it better left at an honest “I’m not sure.”? There is a place in conversation for this sort of thing to come up. You sit down and talk with your new potential partner about it. It is, after all, your basis for comparison. Your partner should be able to share some of their experiences with you as well. Share and share alike. The pitfall you have to avoid is comparing everything you do with a new partner to what you have done previously. That is limiting, unfair and unhealthy. You cannot more ahead when you are trying to recreate the past. angelikaJ has the right idea. Tell your potential partner your experience, and that you are unsure what you want. Then, you figure it out together. Thats part of the fun, after all. DV

Focus50 -> RE: Very simple question... (10/26/2007 1:19:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyLindy I’m not yet experienced enough to know EXACTLY what it is I’m looking for. I have ideas and beliefs, but I’m not going to give a concrete answer when in reality, I’m not entirely sure, I dont think that's fair to either of us. What inevitably happens is I give examples and comparisons to the one real past D/s relationship I’ve had. I think what I’m getting at is this…. Is it fair to give those kinds of examples and comparisons, or is it better left at an honest “I’m not sure.”? As a teenager, the experience and confidence you lack in making informed decisions is mostly LIFE experience. While the advice you've mostly been given thus far is valid, an alternate lifestyle (BDSM) is not relatively so alternate if you don't know a lot about what it's alternate to! In other words this isn't the place to learn about life and relationships in general; most newbies bring that knowledge with them. To me, it's a bit like you skipping high school and going straight to university only to discover they don't teach you how to read and write there etc. *Now I'm not saying you don't belong here but it's not a great place to do a LIFE apprenticeship. I'm saying your post suggests you're not ready* to be here just yet. Nonetheless, welcome anyway.... :-) Focus.**

Celeste43 -> RE: Very simple question... (10/26/2007 3:08:52 PM)
I think the best way to answer is something like "Ooh I tried that once and I really liked it" or "I haven't tried it but it sounds hot" or "I don't have any experience with that but it doesn't make me sit up and pay attention". In other words don't mention the ex directly, just talk about your gut reactions.

ehlovindom -> RE: Very simple question... (10/27/2007 6:02:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyLindy I’m not yet experienced enough to know EXACTLY what it is I’m looking for. I have ideas and beliefs, but I’m not going to give a concrete answer when in reality, I’m not entirely sure, I dont think that's fair to either of us. What inevitably happens is I give examples and comparisons to the one real past D/s relationship I’ve had. I think what I’m getting at is this…. Is it fair to give those kinds of examples and comparisons, or is it better left at an honest “I’m not sure.”? I'm not sure is a perfectly acceptable answer as long as you continue to talk. If you need to make some comparisons to a previous relationship, that is fine, as long as you continue to talk. Remember that the journey is just as important as the destination.

MasterFireMaam -> RE: Very simple question... (10/27/2007 7:45:22 PM)
Sometimes the best way to figure out what you want is to sit and think/write out what you DON'T want. It's perfectly fine to say, "I don't know." We were all there once. Master Fire

LuckyLindy -> RE: Very simple question... (10/28/2007 3:57:44 PM)
Just wanted to say thanks to everyone for the replies and ideas.

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