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getting back to square one - 8/1/2005 8:47:46 PM

quietlilone

Posts: 29
Joined: 8/1/2005
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I am recently attempting to get back up on that “proverbial” horse, after be knocked off it, quite hard, a few months back. I’m not here to explain my story, but was wondering how other sub/slaves might deal with the feelings of losing their submissive identities and how they in turn gained them back through closure, or other means.
Is it normal to go through the phases of self doubt, anger, and frustration? And once you have gotten beyond those, what steps did you take to move on, in a positive manner?

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RE: getting back to square one - 8/1/2005 8:50:02 PM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

I don't think this is a submissive issue, this is a life issue. Everyone goes through periods of change, of unsurety about themselves and their identity. I can't say whether getting back on the horse is the right thing for you, though it is quite common in the scene for someone to become disillusioned and jaded, leave the scene forever and then find themselves returning after awhile.

Just do what feels RIGHT for you, decide what some life goals are and figure out what will get you there. Not much to do with being a submissive, that's just something you need to decide for yourself, along with everything else.

(in reply to quietlilone)

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RE: getting back to square one - 8/1/2005 8:52:49 PM

RiotGirl

Posts: 3149
Status: offline

i've no clue. It'd help if you went into your story abit as everything is different. sometimes its just one day at a time. Sometimes, its just getting to know yourself again. Just taking a moment to talk to yourself, go through your the mind, and just to think.

(in reply to quietlilone)

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RE: getting back to square one - 8/1/2005 8:56:29 PM

oceanprincess

Posts: 42
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

Anyways...

I have not been able to be a submissive to my Dom, as he has been gone for 3 weeks, and he won't be returning for 3 more. It's really tough not being able to serve someone, to make them happy, to know if they are happy without you serving them? Which I am not happy at all, I miss him, and he misses me. But this trip for work is really important, something that he has to do.

I don't know how to get back on the horse, I will be asking that myself when he comes back. I do feel like I am losing myself. Luckily we chat online and on the phone at least twice a day, so that's a good thing, but I am still, not being able to serve him, or anyone for that matter, as I am currently out of work too.

I feel that it is normal to go through phases of self doubt, anger, and frustration, as these past few weeks, and even this morning when he had me call him...I felt all sorts of feelings, but mainly those.

In a few weeks when he comes back, I will let you know how I got back on my horse. :)

ocean

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

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RE: getting back to square one - 8/1/2005 9:04:27 PM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: oceanprincess

Anyways...

I have not been able to be a submissive to my Dom, as he has been gone for 3 weeks, and he won't be returning for 3 more. It's really tough not being able to serve someone, to make them happy, to know if they are happy without you serving them? Which I am not happy at all, I miss him, and he misses me. But this trip for work is really important, something that he has to do.

Distance certainly does suck, but what makes you think that submission is something you DO and that you can't do if you aren't in the same room together?

Are you keeping your house neat and cared for? Are you doing something every day to improve your life, to make yourself happy, to show devotion? Are you planning and laying grounds for a long and happy future together?

Submission isn't always about picking up dirty clothes and running errands. Relationships are both about the everyday little things and the long term foundations.

quote:

I don't know how to get back on the horse, I will be asking that myself when he comes back. I do feel like I am losing myself. Luckily we chat online and on the phone at least twice a day, so that's a good thing, but I am still, not being able to serve him, or anyone for that matter, as I am currently out of work too.

Being out of work REALLY sucks, what else are you doing? Is it due to lack of job or disability? Are you sending out at least 5 resumes a day? Are you reading books like "What Color is my Parachute?"

You need to start LIVING life, not simply depending on a dom to send you a life through orders.

quote:

I feel that it is normal to go through phases of self doubt, anger, and frustration, as these past few weeks, and even this morning when he had me call him...I felt all sorts of feelings, but mainly those.

In a few weeks when he comes back, I will let you know how I got back on my horse. :)

ocean

You're depressed. Get active, eat healthier, DO stuff that enhances your life everyday and you will be enhancing his life everyday. It's still sucky, but it will be better.

(in reply to oceanprincess)

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RE: getting back to square one - 8/1/2005 9:06:21 PM

quietlilone

Posts: 29
Joined: 8/1/2005
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thank you, ocean, and I would appreciate it. I am sorry you are having a difficult time of it, but at least you have the knowledge that he is returning.

(in reply to oceanprincess)

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RE: getting back to square one - 8/2/2005 6:57:21 AM

southerngent

Posts: 1
Joined: 1/31/2005
Status: offline

Quiet it is always a little scarey getting back after being away. But as in the first time you should take your time. Get to know and trust again it is only then that you will be able to free up your mind. So just keep talking with others and get comfortable again and you never know, it could happen sooner rather than later.

(in reply to quietlilone)

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RE: getting back to square one - 8/2/2005 7:06:51 AM

plantlady64

Posts: 755
Joined: 5/19/2005
Status: offline

Hello There,
My advice is to be sure you realize the new Doms you meet are not the one who caused you to leave the lifestyle.
I think it will be hard to trust yourself enough to trust another Dom at first. The level of trust needed in D/s encounters is much deeper than say going out to dinner with a new suitor.
The only way to do it and grow is to just start somewhere and keep at it. It's the no pain no gain statement and the one that says you have to put one foot in front of the other to be able to walk across the floor. I would recommend going to socials and getting to know a group of lifestyle friends in addition to finding someone who stirs the old sub feelings back up to the surface. I think not only do you need the new Dom who suits your fancy, but local real time socialization with others that share your BDSM choices in life. That way if you're just not sure about something you'll have experienced people with good input to help you along the road you travel.
Since you seem to be a private person I'd also like to mention you should let the special Dom you do let in your life know what had transpired in your past relationship so he can help you with this and be sensitive to the types of encounters or situations that pushed you away.
Sincerely,
sub suzanne

(in reply to quietlilone)

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RE: getting back to square one - 8/2/2005 11:25:07 AM

nenakajira

Posts: 221
Joined: 7/14/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: quietlilone

I am recently attempting to get back up on that “proverbial” horse, after be knocked off it, quite hard, a few months back. I’m not here to explain my story, but was wondering how other sub/slaves might deal with the feelings of losing their submissive identities and how they in turn gained them back through closure, or other means.
Is it normal to go through the phases of self doubt, anger, and frustration? And once you have gotten beyond those, what steps did you take to move on, in a positive manner?

There was a point where I decided I could no longer be a slave. (Long story, dont want to bore the audience). It took over three years for that to change and it only changed because I met a man who wouldnt accept me any other way and I had already fallen in love with him. I still struggle to get past the issues that brought me to that point but it is getting better.
Sometimes, just moving on helps. Sometimes it takes time.. even years.. to get back to the head space you were in before you were hurt. Quick fixes can let issues fester, sometimes.
Its not a sign of strength to just ignore the problems. Its a sign of strength to deal with them and every woman does that differently. Theres no easy answer to your question, quiet.

ciao
nena{R}

(in reply to quietlilone)

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RE: getting back to square one - 8/2/2005 11:28:46 PM

OnTop666

Posts: 1
Joined: 12/2/2004
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as EmeraldSlave2 poitned out, we all have doubt and change thuout our life. but I know there are other doubts with being of a different sexualy nature then most. I remember when I was young )5-6) and my first fantasys where master slave or rape fantasy driven. I thought maybe somehthing was wrong with me. meeting other like me later in life was a big help, but even after being on the scene and playing at all the clubs in NYC for years... there where time after a break up when I eould doubt myself and why I am the way I am. I thought maybe I could just date a vanillia person and be happy... but that never worked... not for more then a week... its not who I am... but yeah, thats life.

IAN

(in reply to quietlilone)

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