on the fence

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BeautysBeast -> on the fence (10/27/2007 10:22:28 PM)
Note: my Mistress is dating several men, sleeping with some, playing with some, encourages me to play with others, submit to others, has told me that even if we were live-in she would want others too... but i would be her main... but things seem to be changing... i get rescheduled to make times for others.. we're 1500 miles apart. yes, i am married to another, we're poly, my wife has a master... but in D/s relationship, i wonder if things are worth trying to continue with my Mistress. i love her. i have admitted to it. she does Not love me. i am a friend. i am a pet. i was her only collared.. though only a consideration collar. she's now considering collaring a second who is local, who is a polar opposite of me physically but she has him dressing similarly anyway... a Domme friend of mine had this to say to me today.. and it really has me sad and wondering (and no, this Domme does not wish me as a sub. we're friends and that is all) Ladye: Your Mistress is not good for you. Boy: Okay. Why? Lady: Because I saw the resentment in your words Lady: when you told me she goes out every night Lady: because she encourages you to submit to others Lady: and because you want to belong. Lady: you cannot belong to someone who will not own you Lady: that is harsh, and I know it. Boy: i keep hoping she will change her mind Lady: she will not, Boy. Lady: And you are worth more than to just sit and wait. Boy: that she will see, even with the distance, we can make it work Lady: Boy. Lady: It will not work. Lady: I say this to you as a friend Lady: and as someone who... who does this. Boy: does what? Lady: who teaches. Lady: You will do whatever you will do with what I give you, tell you, etc. Lady: I expect nothing from you, as far as my comments Lady: I'm sure you're quite happy to tell me to go to hell Lady: and that's okay Boy: i would never do so, and i respect your words.. and part of me sees them as true Boy: i am to see Her in less then two weeks and i find myself thinking.. it may be my last time seeing her Boy: things have been changing lately, so rapidly with she and i Boy: as she seems to become more selfish instead of the less she said she would Lady: May I teach you something about people? Boy: please let me finish Boy: then yes Lady: alright Boy: when this all started.. we were almost everything to one another.. she looked forward to me visiting.. told me all the time how much she missed me.. etc.. i know she was rebounding, but we'd been, in one way or another, together for so long i didn't feel like a rebound.. just the next natural step... she told me she would be dating and more and her need for companionship was the same as with her first divorce and it would diminish.. but it didn't.. because i introduced her to a new lifestlye, one she took to like a duck to water Lady: nod Boy: She needs touch, and socialization... if i were there things would be different, i know it.. but i am not Lady: okay Boy: there was a lot of talk, for awhile... Boy: of the four of us.. Wife, myself, Mistress and Wife's Sir trying to relocate to a similar location... but it will not happen because Mistress and Wife's Sir do not agree on a place to live Boy: i would gladly move to where Wife's Sir lives... because if Wife got to be near him all the time i could travel to see Mistress much more often and things would likely be diffeent Boy: maybe i am just deluding myself Lady: you already know what I'm going to tell you, Boy. Lady: you're smarter than you give yourself credit for. Boy: tell me anyway Lady: Mistress... she took to the new lifestyle like a duck to water Lady: she's single Lady: she's dating Lady: and she's pushing you in the direction of other dommes Lady: that is the gentlest, least responsible way she could be telling you that she is not going to gravitate back towards you i do not know what i am looking for here... just.. do not know.. should i hope for more? should i hope she will change? or should i maybe try and save myself from a world of hurt? i do love her, so much... that may be wierd to those who do not understand polyamory.. but it's true. i just do not know what to do

RosesHaveThorns -> RE: on the fence (10/27/2007 10:27:30 PM)
As helpful as any of us try to be, I think your best bet is to ask Ms. Lady here and your Wife, first of all, since they know you best of all. But, as far as my opinion goes... quote: Boy: as she seems to become more selfish instead of the less she said she would ...Says it all. It's not working out, she needs more then a cyber relationship, and you need more time from her. And yes, I agree with Lady, it does appear that your Domme is trying to get you to unattach from her so she doesn't have to do it herself. How long has this been going on? Both the relationship with the Domme, and the rough patch and trying to fix it, if I may ask.

canupleaseme -> RE: on the fence (10/27/2007 10:53:58 PM)
I am afraid I agree with 'Lady' too. Sorry to hear things arent going so well its hard having to make big decisions but I really think you need to ask yourself if your needs are getting met and they don't sound like they are. Long distance can work out but it takes so much hard work and dedication to the cause and it seems very one sided to me. I know its difficult to meet people in the lifestyle but I think you would do better with someone closer to you. You really do need to pin her down and talk openly about how you feel or it will never sort out. It sounds like you and your wife are very open about your needs and are able to make that work out for you [:)] have you spoken to your wife about this? What does she think she will know you best of all and may be able to help you emotionally if it doesnt work out with your domme.

Estring -> RE: on the fence (10/27/2007 11:30:26 PM)
They say men are from Mars and women are from Venus. In your case that is almost literally true. How in the hell did you expect it to last? Find someone on the same planet.

BeautysBeast -> RE: on the fence (10/28/2007 9:37:41 AM)
The relationship began in March of this year but we've been friends and flirts for two years before that. When her relationship ended in January or February we opted to meet (in March) by my flying out to see her. Things were fantastic. The kiss in the airport was like noting i ever experienced. We saw one another again in May, then June (both times her coming to see me in Jersey), then I have flown out to see her in July and September (and flying out again on Nov 8th). When we are together the world does not exist beyond us... things are so wonderful and perfect but i still cannot help but think that i am interchangable with others at times. I appreciate everyone's comments and thougts... (well, not sure about the last one but i DO ask for honesty and honesty is appreciated)

MrSpectacular -> RE: on the fence (10/28/2007 9:50:06 AM)
I think she is telling you it is over and for you to move on - but for whatever reason has not got the words to tell you that directly. It would make it easier for her if you found someone else.

Rover -> RE: on the fence (10/28/2007 9:56:24 AM)
Personally, I think a whole lot of relationships (in every lifestyle) are begun with the expectation that one partner can "make" the other partner into something they are not. I think that helps explain why so many relationships fail. The question is not one of waiting for your relationship and partner to become what you wish it were. They are what they are. The question is... does that work for you? John

batshalom -> RE: on the fence (10/28/2007 10:00:32 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BeautysBeast When we are together the world does not exist beyond us... things are so wonderful and perfect but i still cannot help but think that i am interchangable with others at times. You probably are interchangable at times. So? You say when you are together, the word does not exist beyond you, wonderful, perfect. What a ~gift~! Be happy for it! Or ... You knew the deal from the start, eh? So if it doesn't work for you, for heaven's sakes, let go of it. Find someone who is more in line with your own thinking. Trying to change her isn't going to work. Trying to change yourself isn't going to work. Wishing doesn't work. Whining doesn't work. The only way to get that rock out of your belly is to accept it honestly or cut it out, let it bleed, heal, and move on.

rmanrr -> RE: on the fence (10/28/2007 10:12:02 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Rover Personally, I think a whole lot of relationships (in every lifestyle) are begun with the expectation that one partner can "make" the other partner into something they are not. I think that helps explain why so many relationships fail. The question is not one of waiting for your relationship and partner to become what you wish it were. They are what they are. The question is... does that work for you? John My god in this you make sense. Life is not about changing people into what you want them to be....it is about associating with people of like mind, who you enjoy and who enjoy you, JUST AS YOU ARE. People do change and evolve in their personal growth or stagnate in some cases...the point I am trying to make is...as a Dom...why do I need to change anything about My woman? Aside from some small fine tuning of the racing machine she is...wholesale tearing apart and rebuilding? NOT...I would rather have found someone who meshes from the get go..and she does. The rest simply takes too much time, effort and energy which can be put to much better use in other areas. (WEG) It does appear that in the original poster's message that She is letting him down easy perhaps...why not just ask her? Open honest communication is the key I think...be it brutally honest or not, best to know up front and move on if that is the case. Life is precious, time is short...why waste either? (post was edited due to inexperience with adding commentary to the quote) Wow I learned something new today! I can go home now. Wait, I am home...dammit.

iammachine -> RE: on the fence (10/28/2007 11:27:07 AM)
I'm a little curious about where your wife is in this equation. You mention that you are in a poly marriage, and I understand that it is possible to have more than one "primary" relationship - but when push comes to shove, marriage is kind of a trump card the way I see it. You mentioned being something of a primary relationship for your mistress, but not the only one. Love and affection are not finite resources, time, unfortunately, kinda of is. There are only so many hours in the day. Originally, you were her only collared boy, now she is needing to divide her time. You need to be able to share her just as much as she must share you with your wife. I fail to see what the other boy she is considering is like has to do with you. I don't see much point in keeping score cards and comparing and contrasting myself to other people. He is different from you, he may meet different needs or meet the same ones in different ways, that doesn't really change your relationship, except maybe how much time she has available. You also have to consider that you have a 1500 mile gap between the two of you, and at present it doesn't seem like that is going to change in the forseeable future. Whereas your needs being considered is surely important, she has her own set of needs to meet as well. Time and space never seem to want to cooperate, do they? My question is, are you happy with the moments that you do have with her? Would you rather have those moments than not? Do you really want/need more from her? As always, I would suggest communicating. Tell her how you feel as unobtrusively as possible. You seem to have a pretty close connection with this woman, she should at least be able to acknowledge your feelings if not be able to help sooth them. I've often found the not knowing to be the worst part. Try to figure out some situation that would make you feel more secure, without unduly limiting her. Definitely let her know (re: rescheduling, etc) that it feels like your needs have been taking a back seat, and maybe go from there. Best wishes!

LATEXBABY64 -> RE: on the fence (10/28/2007 11:45:33 AM)
No comment wish you the best of luck on what ever direction you go

Phoenixandnika -> RE: on the fence (10/28/2007 11:53:04 AM)
I think you need to sit down and have a blunt and honest heart to heart with your "owner". I also think you need to think about what you need from your relationship and if she isn't able/willing to give it to you what your actions will be then. Besides that I would also suggest that you violated the trust of the woman you have the above posted conversation with by posting it in this forum. I understand you took her name out but it was/is still a private conversation that you made public. I have an issue with that if I were here I would block you and delete you after ripping you a new one. Blessed Be, Nika

MsSonnetMarwood -> RE: on the fence (10/28/2007 11:56:24 AM)
I don't think it's reasonable for you to expect to be her "main" when you are hundreds of miles away, married, and she says she does not love you. In such a situation, I would say that the most you can hope for is being happy during the time you are together, and not let it eat away at you when you're not. If that's not something you can do, then you need to rethink your perspective on the relationship.

MasterDaveM -> RE: on the fence (10/28/2007 11:58:43 AM)
if you are "hoping for more than is actually there", then you are going to get hurt dont be blinded by your love. she is telling you outright... you are just another thrill of the moment and you are not a priority. if you can deal with that, then rock on... if you cant... then walk

xoxi -> RE: on the fence (10/28/2007 12:06:45 PM)
If you need to ask the opinion of strangers to decide if you should stay with your Mistress I think you already know the answer. You can't make a relationship work on your own. Both parties have to put into it. I do wish you the best of luck, as this must be incredibly painful. hug

amelliagrace -> RE: on the fence (10/28/2007 12:34:54 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BeautysBeast i do not know what i am looking for here... just.. do not know.. should i hope for more? should i hope she will change? or should i maybe try and save myself from a world of hurt? i do love her, so much... that may be wierd to those who do not understand polyamory.. but it's true. i just do not know what to do *I'm going to quote to you from my "book of experience", some wise words passed down in my family.* *"It is what it is."* *"If you don't like where you are at, or what you are, or who you are with, then don't just sit there, damnit!"* "The day you wake up and take measure, finding the positives no longer outweigh the negatives, it is time to get honest. The second day you wake up and the positives no longer out weigh the negatives, it is time to consider the options. The third day, it is time to make signifigant changes. If the fourth day finds you in the same place, well, you just might be a fool." *Grace*

Rover -> RE: on the fence (10/28/2007 12:37:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: rmanrr the point I am trying to make is...as a Dom...why do I need to change anything about My woman? Aside from some small fine tuning of the racing machine she is...wholesale tearing apart and rebuilding? To carry that a step further, it's romantic to think that a slave/submissive is a piece of clay awaiting a Master to mold her into whatever he wishes (excuse me while I gag). But if that were the case, there would be no such thing as "compatibility" as any slave/submissive will do (they'll all turn out the same, afterall... they'll become whatever you make of them). I'm sure someone will say that different slaves/submissives have different types of clay (ie: they can become different things) but it's the same false premise with just a little less "universality" (is that a word?) to it. John

slave4urneeds -> RE: on the fence (10/28/2007 9:57:23 PM)
It all boils down to one simple thing....Are you having fun with it?? if the answer is yes then continue if it is no then you should end it. This lifestyle is about exploration and enjoy the freedom to experience it and push our limits further than we would normally. If you are not getting pleasure out of what you are doing then you need to move onto something else that gives you pleasure.

MissMagnolia -> RE: on the fence (10/28/2007 10:15:40 PM)
OP, your Domme friend and imamachine are spot on. Someone an hour away is always going to have more contact than someone 1500 miles away. Accept or leave.

BeautysBeast -> RE: on the fence (10/30/2007 6:01:51 AM)
Thank You all for your words, your wisdom, and your truths as you see them. Most answers here are what i expected and I appreciate that. One thing i would like to say, to make clear, i was not trying to change her, when i mentioned her changing it was in reference to another point i made that she wenbt through a similar pattern of behavior when she divorced the first time... wild nights, a lot of dates, then settling down... i was simply curious if she would reach that settling down juncture again.. and i am not looking to be molded. i am who i am and i have not changed to match her, nor she me.. we were just near perfectly compatible from the get go Anyway... thank You all for your replies beast

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