How much to share about switching with a submissive??

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How much to share about switching with a submissive?? - 10/28/2007 9:11:01 PM

energymuse

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I am talking with a man that I am considering going into service to. He had admitted to me that he occasionally lies to switch. Occasionally meaning maybe 1-3 times a year, if ever at all in a year. Now I am a submissive and I never feel the mean to switch and to be honest I am pretty submissive in everything I do from work, to friendships to relationships. I have never fully grasped the idea of switching since it doesn’t fit me. I have tried it a few times because the other person wanted me to top them and told me what to do, but I was not comfortable with it and in the end I was hurt and hated them for making me top them. So I don’t always get why people switch and what they get from it, but I am fine with people who switch.
My dilemma that I am trying to figure out deals with Sir. I do not mind that he switches and I know I do not want to see it, but I do want to know about it. Is there anyone who has switched before even though they had submissive that did not switch with them, but later shared the experience with them verbally about what went on. What was their reaction and how did you feel about sharing it with them. I think I would be okay with it and I want to be supportive, but I am not exactly sure how much would be knowing too much. Does that make sense?

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RE: How much to share about switching with a submissive?? - 10/29/2007 2:53:36 AM

laurell3

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Are you really ok with him playing with others? To me that's the real question. I personally cannot stay in a top role without at some point switching to satisfy my submissive needs. I've had responses from subs I've talked to openly about it from can I watch to I don't want you to be with someone else. I think it's all subject to negotiation, however, before you agree to anything make sure it's something you can really live with. Many say it's ok to be with others and don't really mean it and it creates problems down the road. Don't try to be what he wants, be what you are.
l

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RE: How much to share about switching with a submissive?? - 10/29/2007 5:53:39 AM

Dnomyar

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If switching holds no interest for you then find another Dom. If this guy is a switch then he is not going to change.

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RE: How much to share about switching with a submissive?? - 10/29/2007 6:37:28 PM

azropedntied

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From: Phx AZ
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my only problem with the whole questions is the word lie . Honest and open communication is a must and deseption and lies hold no place in this .The other point made do not change you for him is a great one be who you are , if you not happy it wont last .If this person is not who you want idealy then dont bend .All sides must be happy open and honest NO LIES . best wishes .

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RE: How much to share about switching with a submissive?? - 10/29/2007 9:41:01 PM

energymuse

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Thank yopu Laurell, Dnomyar and Azropedandtied you all have given me things to think about and i will be true to myself and what is right for me

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RE: How much to share about switching with a submissive?? - 10/29/2007 10:45:13 PM

azropedntied

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From: Phx AZ
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Very good call , never short change what and who you are in this life . That what the leather bdsm community is for -again best wishes .

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RE: How much to share about switching with a submissive?? - 10/30/2007 8:42:45 PM

arayofsunshine55

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From: San Francisco, CA
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quote:

ORIGINAL: azropedntied

my only problem with the whole questions is the word lie .

I think that is a typo given the rest of the sentence and she meant to type "like". As in he "likes" to switch, not he "lies" to switch.

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Is it not most transformative, most earthshaking, to pierce the veils of self-deception and illusion, and crack the eggshell of ignorance, to most intimately encounter oneself? Lama Surya Das

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RE: How much to share about switching with a submissive?? - 10/30/2007 9:04:49 PM

azropedntied

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From: Phx AZ
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if it was a typeO my comments still stand as i think she should be who she is , if she does not wanna top and yet gets talked into it and feel poorly post Topping then its not for them . the point made ' don't try to be what he wants be who you are " is a good one.And communication is still a Key factor LOL guesss my statement was wrong too as i had more than one problem the whole changing to please but not being true to ones self . best wishes !

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RE: How much to share about switching with a submissive?? - 10/31/2007 4:30:05 PM

Mercurialdame

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You have a few options as i see it, built on your opinions of something you know nothing about, ie, switching with this particular person.
I remember years ago, doing water sports with a great lover of mine. It was rubbish. Couldnt think what all the fuss was about. Now, i come at the exactly the same form of play with this partner. So try not to assume that it will be the same experience.
Also, why so greedy? why is it that only you are allowed to gain pleasure from say flogging? or anal? powerexchanges aside love, arent you being a little bit of a selfish lover in this respect? Surely if this were a vanilla relationship, you wouldnt expect to be the one being done to all the time? That's a pretty crap lover in my book.
So, your options are
1. allow him to play with others, when he needs to bottom/sub, with or without you present.
2. get your head around the possibility, and discuss taking things slowly. What on a check list is he interested in experiencing from time to time? what out of that list, would you be prepared to learn to do? And take baby steps, to a level that you feel comfortable with.
3. Adopt a stance, of im doing this, because 'he' told me to, be a good sub and put out.
Dismissing your current partners needs, because of a ex partners behaviour and shared experience is dumb isnt it?

(in reply to energymuse)

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RE: How much to share about switching with a submissive?? - 11/16/2007 1:13:02 PM

cyberchicdoll

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Joined: 10/18/2007
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When i was starting again this wonderful lifestyle again after many years i had a kid in a sweetshop mentality. I was into everything once and some things twice. I have a very exploring mind and wanted to try many things.
I was in relationships as a submissive and two where i was switch one with a man one with a woman.
The switching involved exploring things that the two tops had done many times to submissives and were curious to distraction how they felt . With both people there was a large amount of show me how this feels In the mans case it was edge play he was into needles and saline. I had these skills and through our explorations he made some significant decisions as to how he wanted to be as a Dominant. We would disect and post mortem deeply and i learnt as much as ha did.
In the womans it was flogging and torture play all she wanted to do was have me do the actions we didnt discuss it and she certianly didnt let me into her feelings. Needless to say it was a hollow and short lived realtionship, from which i learnt that i wasnt interested in Dom women at all. I still learnt something though lol.
Through it i discovered that i had a Domme streak but wasnt interested in becoming a a full time dominant, it gave me the realisation that in my heart i personally couldnt be both. I found out that although i had one subby my heart was to serve.
In my pressent relationship i was truly honest with my Master and told him that i had a man who still called me Mistress and would never see me any other way and Master has been very understanding about it. We have a very loving and communicative realtionship. . With Master there is not one minute particle of switch he is all Dominant. My previous explorations have shown me that this is the way i wanted to go. I am truly happy in my new role as submissive
My switch explorations helped me to sort out issues of gender and D/s also how deep in my heart things go.
Switching is a very personal and contentious subject ask 100 people and yoou will get 100 different opinions. Talk to your Sir and tell him how his admission made you feel and go from there His and your feelings are the only ones that matter in the end.
I feel that if you want to explore go for it but treat it as one more stage of your lifestyle developement. Communication is the key if you feel reticent say if you want to join in say. Honesty and from the heart feelings should stregnthen your relationship, they have mine.
Best of luck with your explorations
cyberchicdoll

< Message edited by cyberchicdoll -- 11/16/2007 1:18:07 PM >

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RE: How much to share about switching with a submissive?? - 11/17/2007 8:43:23 PM

Celeste43

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When we started, I couldn't have handled this at all. These days I could handle him bottoming, but not submitting, if it was very rarely and with a prodomme. I can understand that he might feel a need for sensation play but if it was submission, that would put me on shaky ground.

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RE: How much to share about switching with a submissive?? - 11/18/2007 10:39:47 AM

kc692

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Joined: 3/24/2005
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I used to have a Master that I would see every once in a while and top him. He had a 24/7 slave. The slave knew who I was and generalities, but he did not share any specifics of our sessions, since;
1) he didn't feel that aspect of his life was hers to be intimate with
2) she in in way was of the mindset to top him, she was his slave 24/7
3) it might have distressed her to know some of the things that happened(anal penetration, etc). They both agreed on this last point.

If you do not want to switch that is your right. If he is being honest about needing to be topped occasionally(and it sounds very occasionally) I would explore the possibility of him finding someone else for those sessions, provided you were both confortable with that.

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RE: How much to share about switching with a submissive?? - 11/18/2007 11:36:49 PM

hermione83

Posts: 393
Joined: 8/1/2007
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quote:

You have a few options as i see it, built on your opinions of something you know nothing about, ie, switching with this particular person.
I remember years ago, doing water sports with a great lover of mine. It was rubbish. Couldnt think what all the fuss was about. Now, i come at the exactly the same form of play with this partner. So try not to assume that it will be the same experience.
Also, why so greedy? why is it that only you are allowed to gain pleasure from say flogging? or anal? powerexchanges aside love, arent you being a little bit of a selfish lover in this respect? Surely if this were a vanilla relationship, you wouldnt expect to be the one being done to all the time? That's a pretty crap lover in my book.
So, your options are
1. allow him to play with others, when he needs to bottom/sub, with or without you present.
2. get your head around the possibility, and discuss taking things slowly. What on a check list is he interested in experiencing from time to time? what out of that list, would you be prepared to learn to do? And take baby steps, to a level that you feel comfortable with.
3. Adopt a stance, of im doing this, because 'he' told me to, be a good sub and put out.
Dismissing your current partners needs, because of a ex partners behaviour and shared experience is dumb isnt it?

I'd totally ignore this. If you're more of a do-ee, than a do-er, then find someone who's a do-ee. It isn't selfish, it's being true to yourself. Being dominant, spanking someone, or putting a big strap on and doing a guy makes me want to physically be ill. If he likes that, and you feel that way, it's not selfish to not do it. It's actually selfish to do it, putting on a charade like you like it, and are okay and want and like everything he is. That is really not like, being there for someone as they are there for you, or loving them as much as you love them. That's basic incompatibility. You shouldn't have to do things you're uncomfortable with. I'm not saying to leave him because he likes to switch very rarely, though. If he has no desire to switch with you, and will be happy topping only you forever, then I think it might not be a problem. I understand your morbid curiosity, and if you feel you need to know, ask - but realize you may hate what he has to say. But before you go any further in a serious relationship, I personally would need to know every detail - but it might be better for some people to not know, as long as he tells you honestly he's satisfied with what he's got right now, and doesn't need you to be someone else, or to bring anyone else in.

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