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silentfire -> ? (10/29/2007 5:33:16 AM)
Why do we come back to this lifestyle after we have been hurt? Why can we not just walk away? I so hate myself for craving to serve so deeply....Why cant we stop ?

laurell3 -> RE: ? (10/29/2007 5:36:06 AM)
Where ya going to go? You have some illusion that there's not unhealthy and dishonest people in the vanilla world? Most of us aren't coming back to the lifestyle, it's what we are and we accept it. I'm sorry you were hurt, not having any other details I can't say much more than that. One bad experience doesn't make everyone bad. Take a break, find support and then start over. What else are you going to do? l

batshalom -> RE: ? (10/29/2007 5:38:37 AM)
Vanilla hurts too, eh? Nothing about your need to serve is what created that pain. Embrace this part of your personality. It's ok to go against the grain of society's standards.

Rover -> RE: ? (10/29/2007 5:39:59 AM)
There's plenty of heartbreak and disappointment in the vanilla lifestyle, gay lifestyle, clown lifestyle (ok, they may look happy but inside they're crying)... it's nothing inherently unique to the Leather lifestyle. John

laurell3 -> RE: ? (10/29/2007 5:44:07 AM)
No way all clowns are happy (although I've suspected a few pedophiles hiding under that makeup). Take it back Rover!!!

mnottertail -> RE: ? (10/29/2007 5:46:52 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: silentfire Why do we come back to this lifestyle after we have been hurt? Why can we not just walk away? I so hate myself for craving to serve so deeply....Why cant we stop ? The soul's longing to be with another soul is coded in the cells I suspect. There really isn't alot more perspective to glean, no larger issues to survey. It just is. Ron

eyesopened -> RE: ? (10/29/2007 5:57:08 AM)
i'm sorry you are hurting. As others have pointed out, it was not your need to serve that hurt you. It was not the "lifestyle" that hurt you. i am 54 years old. i have been hurt, physically and emotionally at various times in my life. Someone once told me that living well is the best revenge and so i choose to be happy, to live well, rich in spirit. Joyous in my past mistakes because they taught me that all happiness comes from within. Happiness belongs to me and is mine to share but can never be taken from me.

SoulPiercer -> RE: ? (10/29/2007 6:04:17 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: laurell3 Where ya going to go? You have some illusion that there's not unhealthy and dishonest people in the vanilla world? Most of us aren't coming back to the lifestyle, it's what we are and we accept it. Many, many years ago, I got a phone call around 3 am. It was a man whom I'd never spoken to before. He told me that he had been having an affair with my wife, the mother of my only child. This happened long before I began my personal journey into BDSM. Fast forward about 13 years. I believe I've met the submissive of my dreams. We'd been seeing each other for 2 years. One day she vanishes. Stops calling, stops emailing, none of our mutual friends had heard from her. It turns out that while I believed she was my one and only, she did not feel that way towards me, though she always said she did. Her dream dom was someone else and she decided to pack her things and move to be with him. You'll get hurt in the "vanilla" world just as you'll get hurt here. Although you may not intentionally do it, you will hurt others as well. So, as Laurell asks, where are you going to go? Cry until your eyes hurt. Take a walk in the woods and scream until your lungs feel as though they'll explode. Talk to someone. But don't ever give up.

slavegirljoy -> RE: ? (10/29/2007 6:19:48 AM)
Were you really hurt by being in this lifestyle or, were you hurt by another person? If you were hurt by being in this lifestyle then, you might be better off by leaving it. But, if you were hurt by another person, maybe you should just look for another person who you can enjoy this lifestyle with, who will be more in tune with what you need to fulfill the deep craving that you have to serve, in a healthy way that won't hurt you. It's hard when someone hurts us but, i believe, it's also a great way to learn what it is that our heart, head and soul truly need to give us the fulfillment and contentment that feeds the hunger we have to live out our life the way that is right for each of us. When you look back, after your tears have dried and your anger and disappointment have subsided, hopefully you can see the actual lesson of this painful experience. i believe there is a lesson in every experience and that we can grow from it. A negative experience doesn't have to have a negative impact. It can turn out to be very positive. Don't hate yourself for being who you are and wanting what you crave. Find someone who you can be yourself with and help you to have what you crave. You can't walk away from who you really are. Wherever you go, there you are. Hopefully, you will find someone to walk with you rather than make you want to walk away. Be strong and be true to who you are and, don't give up on what you truly feel inside. slave joyOwned property of Master David quote: ORIGINAL: silentfire Why do we come back to this lifestyle after we have been hurt? Why can we not just walk away? I so hate myself for craving to serve so deeply....Why cant we stop ?

sweetnurseBBW -> RE: ? (10/29/2007 6:29:27 AM)
It is like any other relationship, vanilla or otherwise. We would rather take that chance of having something then nothing at all.

smilezz -> RE: ? (10/29/2007 6:30:10 AM)
Why would you want to stop just because you got dumped? hell, there is so much life to live out there. Pick yourself up and move on down the road and find what it is you actually seek. Being hurt is no fun....unfortunately, it's part of life at times...it does not matter what style of life we take down the road, it happens. Look at it as a learning experience, take from it the good things and grow from there. Don't look at it as a failure either.....look at it as another step in life taken to the goal you want to achieve. (yes, i have been in this situation myself before...so i know what i am talking about) Good luck... ~smilezz~

subinsouth -> RE: ? (10/29/2007 6:45:45 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: silentfire Why do we come back to this lifestyle after we have been hurt? Why can we not just walk away? I so hate myself for craving to serve so deeply....Why cant we stop ? We can't stop because it is what it is. People get divorced and swear they will never get married again ~ and yet, they may find themselves falling for another and coming around full circle. And yes, I too find myself craving to serve ~ I will never give up. I take breaks to heal from players and such, but walk away. .. . . . never.

SweetSarijane -> RE: ? (10/29/2007 6:55:27 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: silentfire Why do we come back to this lifestyle after we have been hurt? Why can we not just walk away? I so hate myself for craving to serve so deeply....Why cant we stop ? We come back because we realize it's not the lifestyle, any lifestyle, that causes the hurt, it's individuals and such individuals are in all lifestyles. It's life, it happens any and everywhere. I'm sorry you got hurt, but why would you give someone who hurt you such control over you that you change your lifestyle because of it?

maclough -> RE: ? (10/29/2007 7:00:10 AM)
Forgive me, but I believe every type of relationship we all ask that question whether vanilla, homosexual, D/s, S&M, marriage, poly, etc etc... the answer? Because we go back to who we are, it's that simple. Heck we get hurt in so many ways and in any lifestyle, it's a human thing. Hmmmn, there you go... just don't deal with humans anymore maybe? I did change my lifestyle once and well OMG... nope never ever again.

LaTigresse -> RE: ? (10/29/2007 7:07:53 AM)
Hey, I got a hell of a paper cut this morning but I am going to keep coming to work. It's not the job, just that one, piece of shit, manilla folder. There are lots of other folders willing to cradle my paperwork without trying to wack my finger off.

Celeste43 -> RE: ? (10/29/2007 7:17:11 AM)
It isn't the need to serve, for pain, for bondage or control that caused the pain. It was your poor skills in choosing a partner with whom you could have a healthy fulfilling relationship. I know that sounds harsh, but it's truth. Mourn the loss of the dream, get help for your tendency to pick the one person who is the worst for you, and start looking before you leap. If necessary, make a list of what healthy characteristics you need in a partner and then refer to it before jumping. So if you check your list and it says; has strong relationship with his ums but the guy you're lusting over doesn't see them or pay support pass him buy. If your list says is kind to those weaker and he screams at overworked waitresses in coffee shop, same thing. It's better to be alone than to be lonely with someone else.

laurell3 -> RE: ? (10/29/2007 7:19:00 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LaTigresse Hey, I got a hell of a paper cut this morning but I am going to keep coming to work. It's not the job, just that one, piece of shit, manilla folder. There are lots of other folders willing to cradle my paperwork without trying to wack my finger off. lol awesome analogy, I hate paper cuts.

smilezz -> RE: ? (10/29/2007 7:23:23 AM)
Oh! and here's another "option".......Purell works GREAT on papercuts. grinz Happy Monday! ~smilezz~

Phoenixandnika -> RE: ? (10/29/2007 7:36:02 AM)
Someone hurting me does not change who I am, it may change how I approach things, or even relationships but it does not change who I am as a person. It doesn't change my needs. The reality is unless you seclude yourself from the world, we all face heart ache and pain at some point in our lives and trust me even seclussion brings heart ache. The question you have to ask yourself is --are you willing to give up your power, your life, the control to someone who has hurt you? If you give up who you are they win, are you willing to do that? If not life, learn, grow, and perhaps in time trust and love again. Blessed be, Nika

slaverosebeauty -> RE: ? (10/29/2007 8:54:54 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: silentfire Why do we come back to this lifestyle after we have been hurt? Why can we not just walk away? I so hate myself for craving to serve so deeply....Why cant we stop ? Because it is part of who you are and to talk away compelty, and go 'cold turkey' is extreamly hard, if you truely want to, you can; but, in my experience, most cannot deny this part of them. We can get hurt in a vanilla relationship just as easliy as we can in a lifestyle relationship, the difference may be that in this one, you have had 'marks.'

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