Relationship Status & Honesty (Full Version)

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Veryleggyredhead -> Relationship Status & Honesty (10/29/2007 4:29:06 PM)

This question isn't geared toward those who engage
in casual intimacy. Your acceptance of another's
attached status is typically far more liberal than that
of someone looking for a relationship with depth. A couple
of months ago I had a conversation with an attorney who expressed
an interest in meeting me. During the course of our conversation
I inquired about his marital status. When he revealed that
he was married I politely but firmly indicated that I wasn't
interested in meeting him. When I did he because upset and
told me that he would have been better off lying to me as the
likelihood that I would have met him for coffee would have
been far greater. He said that I was in effect punishing
him for being honest. While I didn't waver on my position
I did ask myself if this was a motivating factor with those
who lie about their relationship status. This isn't
to say that this or any other reason excuses dishonesty.
I am just curious about whether or not others have encountered
this mindset from attached partners and whether attached
individuals have justified being dishonest about their
relationship status based on the knowledge that revealing
the truth will window them out of experiences with those
who are not comfortable dating someone who isn't available.
Part two of this question is geared toward those like myself
who won't meet someone who is married or attached.
Is empathy for the husband or wife of the dishonest person
a motivating factor? It is for me as is my lack of interest
in casual intimacy. Your thoughts on this?



HottLicks -> RE: Relationship Status & Honesty (10/29/2007 4:43:58 PM)

lol Does he stomp his feet in court when he loses?  He sounds spoiled, egotistical [thinking a cup of coffee with him will change your mind about life goals and desires] and childish.

I never have and never would do married men.  Because of the spouse... because of the cheater or even if it is an open marriage, because of me and what I want.  You didn't punish him for telling the truth... you just didn't punish yourself. lol  There are many things beyond self that I factor in and um's are one of them.  If I could accept less than what I wanted for some guy who shared coffee with me and impressed me so much I had to do him... I couldn't get past the um's that might be involved... the discord of the spouse finding out and blaming me because they hardly ever blame the spouse and so many other things I won't go into them all.

I'm just glad you held firm to what you want and need.  Leave the baby to his spouse or better yet... let him stomp his foot in court and let a judge decide how to handle him! lol



sexyred1 -> RE: Relationship Status & Honesty (10/29/2007 4:48:28 PM)

That is too funny...I hear that all the time from married men. My profile states explicitly NO MARRIED MEN and yet, when they contact me they are angry since they told me they were married, I should make an exception. I get the "why not try me because all the single guys are liars" line.

It is all egotistical and self centered crap. We are all allowed our preferences and just because you are honest about your relationship status, it still will not change my preference for no married men.



Squeakers -> RE: Relationship Status & Honesty (10/29/2007 4:50:38 PM)

    I think at some point his marital status would have come up.   I wonder what his thoughts were---by the time you found out that you would be so head over heels in lust/love for him that if would not have mattered that he was married and a liar.  
   For me, yes most definately it would be concern for the other person's feelings.   All parties must be agreeable.



RosesHaveThorns -> RE: Relationship Status & Honesty (10/29/2007 4:59:28 PM)

Sure, he may have gotten that coffee if he had lied. But he's still a worthless human who thinks of others as objects.

Not poly, but why mess with a cheater? They don't respect their spouse, so what are you going to get?

I did have a married man ask me for a threesome and kept messaging me when I said I wasn't interested. He even went as far as to ask what the guy I am with thought of the deal, AFTER I told him it was a monogamous relationship. I mean, why is he asking me if he doesn't believe anything I said?

But on the plus side, I now have permission to say that the guy I am seeing  knows martial arts and can probably beat up anyone with more inquiries.



LATEXBABY64 -> RE: Relationship Status & Honesty (10/29/2007 5:05:02 PM)

lets see what pick up line did he use.  people that do not respect the vows of marriage are not people you can trust. What is said before god and people is suppose to be held up honor and respect.  What is so STupid people will come up with excuses well shes not kinky like i am. Look if your that stupid to get married and be kinky later that is on you. ..  Some people just need that hit up side the head with a stick of reality



adoracat -> RE: Relationship Status & Honesty (10/29/2007 5:07:30 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LATEXBABY64

lets see what pick up line did he use.  people that do not respect the vows of marriage are not people you can trust. What is said before god and people is suppose to be held up honor and respect.  What is so STupid people will come up with excuses well shes not kinky like i am. Look if your that stupid to get married and be kinky later that is on you. ..  Some people just need that hit up side the head with a stick of reality


ya know....

not everyone's vows had ANYTHING to do with fidelity.  mine certainly didnt.  they promised honesty and honor, to try to mend all problems, to turn to one another in times of trouble, to let no other come between us, and to love one another.

kitten, giving another opinion that isnt going to be listened to because closed minds work about as well as a closed parachute



LATEXBABY64 -> RE: Relationship Status & Honesty (10/29/2007 5:10:51 PM)

buy the way the person was reading it was hint at cheating which ment that . That is was traditional



SoulPiercer -> RE: Relationship Status & Honesty (10/29/2007 5:13:38 PM)

What area of law does this guy practice? With arguments like that, I'm betting his losses outweigh his wins.

That's a new one. You're punishing him for being honest about the fact that he has a wife at home.

My suggestion would be for counsel to try being honest about his marital status with other married women who are stepping out on their husbands and thus may be more receptive to having "coffee" with him.

That's my personal feeling. There are enough married men/women for them to find each other. They may be honest about their marital status today, but in order to spend time with you, they have to lie to their spouse and eventually, they will begin lying to you. I learned that the hard way.

sexyred, I feel your pain. I get messages from married and single men all the time. But wait!! My profile clearly states I like WOMEN!



adoracat -> RE: Relationship Status & Honesty (10/29/2007 5:18:12 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LATEXBABY64

buy the way the person was reading it was hint at cheating which ment that . That is was traditional


but that isnt what you said.  you said "marriage vows".  that encompases a WHOLE range more than just traditional judeo-christian wedding ceremony.

kitten



littlehumbledone -> RE: Relationship Status & Honesty (10/29/2007 5:19:30 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Veryleggyredhead


Part two of this question is geared toward those like myself
who won't meet someone who is married or attached.
Is empathy for the husband or wife of the dishonest person
a motivating factor? It is for me as is my lack of interest
in casual intimacy. Your thoughts on this?


For me very much so, having been on the end of a cheating spouse I know how THAT made me feel, worthless was the main thing, I couldn't in all conscience do that to someone else, if I start talking to someone and they indicate that they are single, and then later on something is let slip that indicates that DO have a partner, then no matter what I felt, it would be over.  For me it's very much a matter of  'well if they lie about this, how could I trust them  with me'.





TakenPet -> RE: Relationship Status & Honesty (10/29/2007 7:43:36 PM)

Some in the community would view a collar as precious as a wedding ring or a marriage.  You have to stand up for what you belive in, there are generally signs of people who are lying in the way they right, it is usually very thought out and carefully stated.  The fact that he is viewing your values and morals after previously stating that you were not interested in those attached to another, as punishment kind of tells me that he has some issues dealing with rejection.  He is perhaps not as mature as he could be, he might be egotistical and used to get what he wants, who knows, but grats to you for standing up for what you believe in. 



mistoferin -> RE: Relationship Status & Honesty (10/29/2007 7:55:42 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Veryleggyredhead

This question isn't geared toward those who engage
in casual intimacy. Your acceptance of another's
attached status is typically far more liberal than that of someone looking for a relationship with depth.


I'm not sure why you would think that those who engage in casual intimacy would be any less likely to view dishonesty and cheating as unacceptable.



MrSpectacular -> RE: Relationship Status & Honesty (10/29/2007 7:56:27 PM)

He sounds like a lot of Attorneys I have known - he has a great way of perverting logic to his point of view. It is not for me to judge his bahavior nor to condone him - but he at some point in the interaction was outright honest about his marital status.



iammachine -> RE: Relationship Status & Honesty (10/29/2007 7:59:32 PM)

I don't understand why someone would think that being "honest" with me about their relationship status would earn them any points if they are still being dishonest with their partner.When it comes to people that are involved, there is more than the consent of just that person that is of concern to me.

Seriously, how can trust be built on a foundation that is inherantly shady and dishonest? Personally, I don't mind if someone is involved in a primary relationship already if their partner is aware and approves of their "other's" activities. This says nothing about the depth of the relationship that I may choose to have with this person, from a casual acquaintance to a passionate love affair; though obviously it could not include marriage. :)

People are silly.  Being dishonest gets you no where in the long run, except for the inevitable having hell to pay when the truth reveals itself.



apiercedkitty -> RE: Relationship Status & Honesty (10/29/2007 8:06:52 PM)

i've run into it - even tho i have been involved with men who were attached in the past. The one Dom that it happened with recently i'm still pretty good friends with. It wasn't until i had known Him for months that He finally came clean (He lives across the country so it was always just going to be an occasion casual thing when He made it into town so there was never any issues about Him being unavailable at times that would have set off the red flags that He was married). i've told Him that most women aren't forgiving like i am and that He was being unfair to all involved by keeping His marriage secret. He agreed and has since changed His profile to reflect the fact that He is married.
i just don't see the sense in lying about it - why put everyone thru that hassle? It seems like it would cut out so much crap just to be upfront about it.



Celeste43 -> RE: Relationship Status & Honesty (10/29/2007 8:09:58 PM)

Eventually you would have found out the truth and then sent him on his way, but he was hoping eventually would come after several hot, steamy sessions.

You weren't punishing him, you just weren't interestedin what he was offering. If you had met for coffee and had no interest in seeing him again, would he still claim that was punishment? He just said that hoping to guilt you into making an exception for him.



LATEXBABY64 -> RE: Relationship Status & Honesty (10/29/2007 9:56:15 PM)

there is this engima song that everytime i hear of issues like this it goes i love you i ll kill you but i will love you forever.. shrugs  



MasterFireMaam -> RE: Relationship Status & Honesty (10/29/2007 11:30:59 PM)

He may not be being dishonest to his wife. Not everyone is in a monogamous relationship; they could be poly. You assumed that he was/is cheating. Still, it doesn't mean that YOU are poly. Stand by what you feel is right, and simply decline the rest.

Master Fire



meticulousgirl -> RE: Relationship Status & Honesty (10/30/2007 6:07:06 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Veryleggyredhead

This question isn't geared toward those who engage
in casual intimacy. Your acceptance of another's
attached status is typically far more liberal than that
of someone looking for a relationship with depth. A couple
of months ago I had a conversation with an attorney who expressed
an interest in meeting me. During the course of our conversation
I inquired about his marital status. When he revealed that
he was married I politely but firmly indicated that I wasn't
interested in meeting him. When I did he because upset and
told me that he would have been better off lying to me as the
likelihood that I would have met him for coffee would have
been far greater. He said that I was in effect punishing
him for being honest. While I didn't waver on my position
I did ask myself if this was a motivating factor with those
who lie about their relationship status. This isn't
to say that this or any other reason excuses dishonesty.
I am just curious about whether or not others have encountered
this mindset from attached partners and whether attached
individuals have justified being dishonest about their
relationship status based on the knowledge that revealing
the truth will window them out of experiences with those
who are not comfortable dating someone who isn't available.
Part two of this question is geared toward those like myself
who won't meet someone who is married or attached.
Is empathy for the husband or wife of the dishonest person
a motivating factor? It is for me as is my lack of interest
in casual intimacy. Your thoughts on this?



Yeah I'm not understanding the same thing.  I started talking to a Dom once who swore he wasn't married, the guy had it all going for him, he was absolutely gorgeous, and was definitly in the money to (i'm not one that really cares about the $$$ btw) but, he definitly had it all going for him.  We met for lunch one day, and he was purposely doing everything that he could to hid his left hand, when lunch was served he grabbed his napkin and that's when i saw the ring, we finished lunch, and i walked back to my car and him back towards his office and i was like what a frigging ass hole and liar, i never answered another call, or im from Him, i was so turned off and just not interested, i wonder if he ever figured out why...

~meticulous~



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