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Are you timid? - 8/2/2005 8:58:07 PM

Gauge

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A question came to me as I was reading another thread and I would really like to hear some thoughts from submissives and slaves. I have read many different threads that all agree that communication is key to a good relationship be it BDSM or otherwise. OK, I agree with that. When starting out meeting a dominant for the first time or in the opening stages of dialogue between you both is there a tendency to be timid in asking questions of the dominant? What about in an established relationship? If you feel timid, why do you feel that way? If you have a need (read into that an emotional, mental, physical need) and it is not being addressed, are you reluctant to approach your dominant with it? Is there a way to make it easier for the submissive to feel comfortable in asking for things from the dominant?

I am eager to hear your replies. Thank you in advance for answering.

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RE: Are you timid? - 8/2/2005 9:08:35 PM

EmeraldSlave2

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Depends on the situation, person.

Usually if I feel timid it's because I am excited but unsure of myself, with the new person/situation and so feel it's safer to just go with it and take it easy.

Most subs DO have to be trained to ask for what they want, and ask properly. For me it depends, I've learned when it's best to go to the Owner for assistance and when it's best to do it on my own and when it's best to go to others.

There are all sorts of ways to make it easier- micro managing, mind reading, journals, wish lists, hints...anything that allows the sub to communicate without having to look the dom in the eye and say "This is what I want"

Whether those ways are how the DOM wants things to be communicated, or whether those are the best ways overall is another issue.

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RE: Are you timid? - 8/2/2005 9:18:55 PM

Isolde

Posts: 213
Joined: 4/18/2005
From: Hamilton, Ontario
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Excellent questions!

quote:

When starting out meeting a dominant for the first time or in the opening stages of dialogue between you both is there a tendency to be timid in asking questions of the dominant?

I can't say I've really had the opportunity to do this with a dominant but looking back over my dating history, seeing it in a more general light...yes. I have a lot of trouble asking deeper-than-surface questions of people I'm just getting to know.

quote:

What about in an established relationship?

Less trouble but there's still a pause between the time a question occurs to me and the time it's asked. I spend at least a few seconds turning it over in my mind, checking to make sure it's as clear as possible, that it's what I really mean to ask.

quote:

If you feel timid, why do you feel that way?

I don't like feeling as if I'm being invasive and nosy, even if I have every right to ask questions. Even if I'm invited to ask questions. I'm not sure why I feel this way, it could be because of any number of things. I was raised in a large family and learned early on to respect the privacy of those around me, giving them their mental space in a small home. I'm shy, and much prefer listening to talking until I've known someone for awhile. I come up with so many off the wall and oddball questions that I'm never sure of what reception they'll get, whether I'll be seen as strange, or quirky, or idiotic.

quote:

If you have a need (read into that an emotional, mental, physical need) and it is not being addressed, are you reluctant to approach your dominant with it?

Yes. I don't want to hurt his feelings or make him feel defensive. Not to say that he's going to feel this way but I worry about causing that. I also worry that I'm not going to articulate my concerns as well as I should. If I misspeak, it can have consequences and so I tend to be slow to bring that sort of thing up. Not out of reluctant but because I spend a lot of time making sure I have the words ordered properly in my head.

quote:

Is there a way to make it easier for the submissive to feel comfortable in asking for things from the dominant?

For me, it's been a combination of reassurance and repetition, of making sure I know I have no choice in sharing my thoughts and being completely honest, and allowing me the option of writing out what I'm thinking instead of fumbling with speaking. Between those three things, I've become more comfortable with asking questions, expressing concerns and even asking for things while we're "on".

I think that's everything.

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RE: Are you timid? - 8/2/2005 10:26:50 PM

Mercnbeth

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quote:

When starting out meeting a dominant for the first time or in the opening stages of dialogue between you both is there a tendency to be timid in asking questions of the dominant?

No. this slave regarded her search for a Dominant to be an EXTREMELY important and serious one, and asked every question on her mind to those she met for the purpose of establishing a relationship. this slave was not looking for casual play partners.

quote:

What about in an established relationship?

being "new" to the whole BDSM-lifestyle-wiitwd (1 month into the discovery of it)upon meeting Master, this slave had a LOT of questions, especially after(and during) workshops, presentations, conventions & play parties. Master has encouraged this slave from the beginning to ask and every question receives an answer. sometimes the questions are verbalized, sometines journalled and sometimes this slave is directed to post a particular question here--this slave is here to learn from others as well.

quote:

If you have a need (read into that an emotional, mental, physical need) and it is not being addressed, are you reluctant to approach your dominant with it?

Never.

quote:

Is there a way to make it easier for the submissive to feel comfortable in asking for things from the dominant?

if the submissive has put her trust in the dominant and the dominant has instructed her as to how He expects to be asked for things, why wouldn't the submissive be comfortable?

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RE: Are you timid? - 8/2/2005 11:13:21 PM

mossy

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The only reason i would feel timid with my questions in an established relationship, is if somehow i felt they were unwelcome. The way i would feel my questions or asking for things were welcome from the Dominant? Could come from His verbal reassurance. Or it could also come in the more natural form, from the close connection we have, the warmth, intuition, respect, fairness and intimacy we already share.

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RE: Are you timid? - 8/3/2005 4:13:41 AM

softandshy

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i tend to be extremely shy when face to face or even voice to voice. Not knowing how a person tends to react when questioned definitely makes it harder. Requests, particularly if they aren't vital, are difficult for me. In both a new and an established relationship, i will ask the questions that need or want asking out loud, but it's easier for me to communicate in writing. Otherwise i may wind up speaking in the general direction of my bellybutton. lol

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RE: Are you timid? - 8/3/2005 4:55:03 AM

daddysprop247

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From: DC Metro area
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oh yes, i am extremely timid when it comes to face to face discussions. my personality is naturally shy and mousy. and even after being with my Master for so long, and adoring him as i do and knowing he adores me, it's still very hard for me at times to answer direct questions he may present to me, especially anything regarding my own desires. and almost never will i make any request of him that is not absolutely necessary, as another poster mentioned. but there's really nothing more my Master can do to make me more comfortable with this sort of expression...it has to do with personality, some people, particularly natural submissives, are just timid.

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RE: Are you timid? - 8/3/2005 5:12:46 AM

tinkJH

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Gauge

A question came to me as I was reading another thread and I would really like to hear some thoughts from submissives and slaves. I have read many different threads that all agree that communication is key to a good relationship be it BDSM or otherwise. OK, I agree with that. When starting out meeting a dominant for the first time or in the opening stages of dialogue between you both is there a tendency to be timid in asking questions of the dominant? What about in an established relationship? If you feel timid, why do you feel that way? If you have a need (read into that an emotional, mental, physical need) and it is not being addressed, are you reluctant to approach your dominant with it? Is there a way to make it easier for the submissive to feel comfortable in asking for things from the dominant?

I am eager to hear your replies. Thank you in advance for answering.

Oddly, I met my Dom online... okay - so that isnt odd itself. The odd part is - I can ask anyone anything online - IM or Email.. no problem. However, then it comes to me voicing a question.. its hard as can be sometimes. So, Yes, I am shy and timid. When it comes to certain subjerct - usually personal or intimate ones - I seem to clam up and I just don't know how or what to say.

I think it has to do with maybe my up bringing? Those things just weren't said, certain words were just "bad". Asking me to talk dirty makes me stand there like a deer caught in headlights. I can have so many things racing through my head yet - none come out. I really do not know why. I do not fear punishment, or him getting upset or mad. I think most of all I fear myself. I end up feeling ashamed and not knowing why when I say certain things, and I fear that I don't, can't or won't say something "correctly" or I won't explain it very well, and then I end up getting upset.

However, when a serious or important aspect, or question comes up, or a situation when it comes to emotional, mental or physical needs, concerns. I do my best. Sometimes if Master starts the conversation - I will just stare and my answers are one or two words. However if I am brining it up, or it is a more serious of an issue - I do first try to voice it.. sometimes I suceed, sometimes I end up in a fit of tears because I cannot seem to make myself come across how I need to - or express what it is I am trying to say. Master usually calms me down, and will either tell me to email him what I want to say - or journal it. Then he will read it, and we will go back to our discussion verbally.

I'm getting better, slowly... I am able to talk more open about things... but, its been very challenging, very slow ordeal and, I have a very long way to go yet.

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so why am I ten feet under and upside down..? " (Lifehouse ~ Storm)

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RE: Are you timid? - 8/3/2005 8:13:32 AM

plantlady64

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Hello There,
With me it depends on the Dom I'm playing with's protocol or desires of me.
Some of them want feedback during the scene, some want it after the scene, and some want non at all as it questions their ability to read your body language and mental connection. I have Doms who also want me to stay perfectly quiet and still, some who want me to make any noise I want, but to stay still, then there are some who want me to squirm and fight back.
I can be timid or agressive, it's all in how I feel I need to respond to please them the way they want me to.
I do make suggestions of things I like, discuss my hard limits and expectations as far as relationship goals before I'll play, and let them know my safe word each time we play.
Sincerely,
sub suzanne

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RE: Are you timid? - 8/3/2005 5:40:50 PM

perfection20005

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I have always been really timid when it comes to meeting anyone new. I always wait for the other person to start asking the questions. Once I know them for a while, it becomes easier for me to open up and start with my questions.
And I still have problems telling someone that I'm not getting what I need. I guess I feel like I would make them mad if I did, and that might hurt the relationship. I know this isn't the right way to do it, and I'm trying to be more open, it just takes time.

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RE: Are you timid? - 8/3/2005 7:09:46 PM

stormsfate

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I'm not timid at all, and tend to lean in the other direction. I've never understood beating around the bush and would much rather get right down to the heart of a matter. I tend to forget or at times tune out "surface" conversation, while getting really involved in in depth discussion that makes me think and/or analyze myself.

There have been times when someone has said to me that they like to find out about people as it unfolds naturally, while I, on the other hand, prefer to play 20 questions...lol. V and I took turns trying to think up hard questions to ask each other. Those types of discussions created a bond between us before we even met.

<blush> Sorry to be so long winded on a questions that could have been answered as simply "no".

best regards,
fate

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RE: Are you timid? - 8/3/2005 7:44:41 PM

mistoferin

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Oh my, I think timid would probably be the very last word that someone would choose to describe me. Questions to a Dom? Lots and lots of very invasive and interesting ones. In return, you can ask me anything. But don't ask a question if you don't really want to know the truth.

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~erin~

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RE: Are you timid? - 8/3/2005 9:27:36 PM

BalletBob

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Well the first time I met MADAM, I was timid. I am new, and she was the first Mistress (and last) I ever had. I wqas shy and really didn't know what was proper. I didn't want to be too outgoing, since that isn't me. I did make sure I was wearing the Mary Janes that MADAM told me to wear for her, I wanted to make a good impression, showing her that I could follow (and LOVE) ORDERS ! I also fel as being timid, also shows some respect, for a Mistress, like putting myself in my place, without her having to tell me.

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