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should I stay or should I go? - 10/30/2007 11:56:45 AM

subgrlerw

Posts: 3
Joined: 10/29/2007
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I am in a fairly new relationship only been with my Dom for about a month or so. He is my first. Unfortunatly I am getting the feeling that we have lost interest in each other.

I mentioned to him that I was feeling that something was different between us, and his response is nothing has changed. I got the feeling it is just me who feels the lack of interest. He thinks everything is still great.

Without going into too much detail, he has taught me alot and part of his training is for me to serve him completly and basically be his sex toy. There is no reciprocation; and that is definalty something I desire in any relationship.

I know there is really no future for us as we both desire different outcomes but for the time being it has been fun.

I am new to the lifestyle and do have alot to learn, but I feel there should be some sort of exchange of common emotion; and yeah I would like to get some sexual satisfaction also, not always just him.

I am not new to leaving someone, but in this lifestyle it feels harder. I don't want to be an unowned sub, but I also think I should be happy also. Am I being a bad sub for feeling this way?

What would you do?

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RE: should I stay or should I go? - 10/30/2007 12:07:17 PM

toservez

Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
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Sounds like you are well aware of the situation is not going to work in the long run but still enjoy aspects of it.

To me the question is simple, if the relationship is hurting your chances of what you are wanting long term then get out of it. If you can still enjoy it and you can start working toward a long term fulfillment situation then maybe continue.

Maybe ask him if it is ok to look for someone else while still being his sex toy and when you find someone else or he refuses then you know the time has come.

_____________________________

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RE: should I stay or should I go? - 10/30/2007 12:07:31 PM

slavemaia

Posts: 395
Joined: 8/26/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: subgrlerw

I am in a fairly new relationship only been with my Dom for about a month or so. He is my first. Unfortunatly I am getting the feeling that we have lost interest in each other.

I mentioned to him that I was feeling that something was different between us, and his response is nothing has changed. I got the feeling it is just me who feels the lack of interest. He thinks everything is still great.

Without going into too much detail, he has taught me alot and part of his training is for me to serve him completly and basically be his sex toy. There is no reciprocation; and that is definalty something I desire in any relationship.

I know there is really no future for us as we both desire different outcomes but for the time being it has been fun.

I am new to the lifestyle and do have alot to learn, but I feel there should be some sort of exchange of common emotion; and yeah I would like to get some sexual satisfaction also, not always just him.

I am not new to leaving someone, but in this lifestyle it feels harder. I don't want to be an unowned sub, but I also think I should be happy also. Am I being a bad sub for feeling this way?

What would you do?

It's not a matter of bad, wrong, good or right. It's a matter of what fulfills you. This is something i don't think is as easy to identify as it may sound. Perhaps this relationship helped you learn something about yourself - being - you want reciprocation. That's important to know. The idea of total submission to another may sound romantic, but the reality is, it's not for everyone - not for every sub.

There are all styles of submission just as there are all styles of dominance. Perhaps you'd find it helpful if you write what you feel you absolutely, positively must have in a relationship, what you absolutely, positively will not do, what sounds like it would be fun and exciting vs. what you can live with and enjoy day to day. i recommend you know yourself well before approaching a Dominant for any kind of permanent relationship. Many Doms aren't real clear on exactly what they want or don't want either and people often find themselves experimenting with each other at the cost of hurt feelings and disillusionment. Hope this helps.

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RE: should I stay or should I go? - 10/30/2007 12:10:58 PM

therealboss

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some people you can never please

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RE: should I stay or should I go? - 10/30/2007 12:13:52 PM

Kana

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" I know there is really no future for us as we both desire different outcomes but for the time being it has been fun."

It sounds to me like you have already answered your own question. Here is my counter question. Why would you stay in something that has neither future nor growth? Why would you sell yourself short in such a fashion?

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RE: should I stay or should I go? - 10/30/2007 12:25:10 PM

phedre81

Posts: 56
Joined: 10/29/2007
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I'm new around here, and fairly new to the scene as well, so feel free to take my comment with a grain of salt.

That being said, I think sometimes in power control relationships, we as subs/slaves, tend to think that we aren't supposed to be happy. The fact is, we're doing this, b/c submitting to someone, on some level makes us happy, completes us in some way. If it doesn't, there's no reason for us to do it.

My point is, it's not wrong to look for happiness and/or fulfillment in a relationship, just b/c we're subs. There will be times when what is asked of us is difficult, challenging, unpleasant, but we still, as human beings, have the right (the responsibility, even) to seek out a life situation that is satisfying to us--and that doesn't mean we aren't good submissives.

I used a lot of generalizations up there, so I feel like I should reiterate that it's just my .02 here. ;)

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RE: should I stay or should I go? - 10/30/2007 12:42:04 PM

MasterRory

Posts: 3
Joined: 11/21/2006
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It almost sounds like a lot of vanilla relationships!
You know in your heart it's not going to work, but if you still feel an attraction, then try and discuss how you feel.

If it still doesnt work out, then at least you have a better idea of what you are looking for, so next time you can communicate that before getting to this stage.

There are all kinds of Dom's out there and everyone has their own spin on what is a D/S relationship.
I actually saw giving sexual satisfaction to a sub as very important, abit with a lot if teasing and play first!

Good luck in your search, when it works, its wonderful

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RE: should I stay or should I go? - 10/30/2007 12:43:47 PM

batshalom

Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: subgrlerw

I am not new to leaving someone, but in this lifestyle it feels harder. I don't want to be an unowned sub, but I also think I should be happy also. Am I being a bad sub for feeling this way?

What would you do?

You don't want to be an unowned sub so you'd rather be an unhappy one? Ahhh, so ... hm. I don't get it.

Finding a relationship that works is not unsublike. Being your own person is not unsublike. Having an opinion is not unsublike. Walking out of a relationship that doesn't fulfill you is not unsublike.

Next time, take it a little slower before you commit. A D/s relationship is no different than any other - it's got to work for both (or all) parties in order to be successful. If you base your "relationship" on sex, well ... that's what you'll have. Apparently that doesn't do it for you, so find a more compatible partner.

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RE: should I stay or should I go? - 10/30/2007 12:55:03 PM

maclough

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A relationship is a relationship if you are not happy then why stay? Why become resentful? I you know there is no future, unless it was agreed on as a short term, holding over period, then moving on is probably best. I think what batsholm says is best "A D/s relationship is no different than any other - it's got to work for both (or all) parties in order to be successful. If you base your "relationship" on sex, well ... that's what you'll have. Apparently that doesn't do it for you, so find a more compatible partner."

Being unowned sucks for a sub/slave but that doesn't mean you will wither away to nothingness, just means you will be lonely for awhile and with alot of free time on your hands.

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RE: should I stay or should I go? - 10/30/2007 9:10:28 PM

brightspot

Posts: 3052
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GO!

Missy.

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RE: should I stay or should I go? - 10/30/2007 10:17:22 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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Joined: 10/25/2005
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Stop letting your insecurity control your life so much that you need to be "in a relationship" and make the start towards "being in the right relationship for me."

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RE: should I stay or should I go? - 10/30/2007 10:50:28 PM

subgrlerw

Posts: 3
Joined: 10/29/2007
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thank you all for your advise, I do appreciate it all and I do know what I need to do... I am not happy and I have had one too many relationships where I was willing to sacrafice my happyness to make my partner happy....

I finally decided to take a leap into the lifestyle to be happy for a change. I do have to get over my insecurities and do what needs to be done.

Now I just need to grow some big hairy balls, and just sit down and talk to him to let him know how I'm feeling....

Thanks again all!!

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RE: should I stay or should I go? - 10/31/2007 12:06:14 AM

Noah

Posts: 1660
Joined: 7/5/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: subgrlerw

I am in a fairly new relationship only been with my Dom for about a month or so. He is my first. Unfortunatly I am getting the feeling that we have lost interest in each other.

I mentioned to him that I was feeling that something was different between us, and his response is nothing has changed. I got the feeling it is just me who feels the lack of interest. He thinks everything is still great.

Without going into too much detail, he has taught me alot and part of his training is for me to serve him completly and basically be his sex toy. There is no reciprocation; and that is definalty something I desire in any relationship.

I know there is really no future for us as we both desire different outcomes but for the time being it has been fun.

I am new to the lifestyle and do have alot to learn, but I feel there should be some sort of exchange of common emotion; and yeah I would like to get some sexual satisfaction also, not always just him.

I am not new to leaving someone, but in this lifestyle it feels harder. I don't want to be an unowned sub, but I also think I should be happy also. Am I being a bad sub for feeling this way?

What would you do?

Some relationships work themselves through in a short time after which it is well to move on.

That said, if there is someone who is willing to advise a stranger to leave a relationship based on nothing but a few paragraphs of description of the situation, not even knowing what mood you were in when you wrote it or what other stresses you or your partner might be under, are you sure you want their advise?

If someone is ready to tell you to jump with no understanding of the context of your post and not a word from the person on the other side of the story, doesn't that person disqualify him or herself from being on your list of who to listen to about important decisions?

Leaving may be right and if you go I wish you luck. I sure haven't heard enough to imagine that I could give adequate advice.

If you stay you may look back a while from now with joy and relief that you didn't listen to strangers who told you to give away what you have (which of course costs them nothing.)

Are there things your partner would like to say that he hasn't found words for?

Is he new too? And is he beginning to chafe under what he feels is his "domly responsibility" not to reciprocate sexually-- when in fact he would get off on getting you off but he thinks you may see it as less than Domly? (because of some crap he read in one of these threads, maybe?) And does he think that admitting his conflictedness would seem more un-domly still?

Is your mood this week going to turn out to be something you get every month about this time, maybe an echo of old relationship fears, but which you come to see in a different light and manage undramatically and unproblematically in the future?

Are you one of those people who naturally flinches just when a relationship begins to settle in? Sunconscious fear of pain if you allow yourself to go deeper? Unrecognized fear of failure or even fear of success in the face of some unresolved self-esteem issues? If you get over this hump is there more of value to me found in extending your time with this person?

I doubt that all of these things I've asked about are the case. I have no strong feeling that even one of them is. Then again, not knowing you, I have no strong reason to believe that you're giving an adequate account of events. I'm glad to take you at your word but I'd be slow to offer drastic advice without more understanding of you as a person, your partner as a person, and his consisderd view of what is going on.

After just a month or so it presumably isn't a big huge deal, of course. And I'm not advising you to give him the benefit of every doubt at unreasonable cost to yourself. If you do part I hope it can be with gratitude (on your part and his) for what the relationship has given you.

But as someone new here you should be warned that the local peanut gallery is very quick to give the thumbs down to all sorts of things, other people's relationships in particular.

Good luck!

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RE: should I stay or should I go? - 10/31/2007 12:49:01 PM

subgrlerw

Posts: 3
Joined: 10/29/2007
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Noah,

I do appreciate what you have pointed out, and you are right there is only one side posted here and definatly not alot of detail.

There were aspects to this relationship that I knew about going in, and was willing to see if I could work past it, grow as a human being. Unfortunatly I just can't. I have discovered about myslef that I have no tolerance for poly relationships. It is eating away at my ego and just feeding my insecurities.

I think I turned more to this board and community to give me courage for something that I already knew I was going to do, and support. This is something that I have been grappling with for a few weeks now and I do feel it is the best decision for me at this time.

Like any major decisions in any relationship, I will always wonder was it the right decision or not... for now I do feel this was the best path to take.

Thank you again all for taking the time to read my message and for supporting a fellow sub in her time of need.

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