Vanilla / Ds lifestyle balance (Full Version)

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SirTender -> Vanilla / Ds lifestyle balance (10/30/2007 3:20:34 PM)

Ok, let me start by saying, I'm not communicating any discontent, or a message that can be taken as a need for change.


I'm writing because I feel like what started like a strictly D/s relationship has slipped into a 30% vanilla 70% D/s lifestyle since we moved in together a couple years ago.  I fully acknowledge that as the Dom I'm in control, however somewhere I must be missing little queues of vanilla thinking or actions.  This relationship is my first live in D/s relationship so lack prior experiences is partially at play here.

So, my question to the community at large, how do you keep a D/s relationship in focus after years, living together, and raising kids together, and dealing with real life(jobs, extended family, friends, finances)?  I'm not looking for the magic bullet, just other's little rituals, and ideas. (I may share a couple of mine if anyone cares, or asks)

A follow up question would be - What is your favorite way to bring your sub back to her knees when she's slipped out of her role?



Rover -> RE: Vanilla / Ds lifestyle balance (10/30/2007 3:26:56 PM)

Personally, I use rituals as a kind of "preventive medicine" for just the purpose  you're expressing.  Though I find that used on a daily basis, they have a greater value to me as prevention rather than as a remedy to cure an already existing problem.  It's nothing elaborate or time consuming; just something that can be used as a daily reinforcement of the power exchange dynamic.
 
Similarly, I find it helpful to employ a daily ritual in order to facilitate the "transition" from daily vanilla life (primarily work) back into the relationship dynamic.  Again, nothing elaborate or time consuming.  Just meaningful on a personal level.
 
Both have a greater impact (for me) when employed on a daily basis.
 
John



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Vanilla / Ds lifestyle balance (10/30/2007 6:31:00 PM)

I find it's best to understand that Ds isn't about the action or what you DO, but it's a dynamic that is omnipresent and constantly flowing through everything you do.  It's about the authority, the intent.

You're still a master even if you're on the couch watching telly, you're still a master even if you say please and thank you, you're still a master even if you ask her "Do you love me?"



SirTender -> RE: Vanilla / Ds lifestyle balance (10/30/2007 7:05:56 PM)

I completely agree albatross.  I hope I didn't imply that the vanilla was a lack of power exchange, or control.  It's simply that the mindset does slip from time to time.  Getting caught up in the other pulls of life.

It's interesting you use the same vocabulary I do everyday - dynamic.  It really is a dynamic and that is intact at all times.



Celeste43 -> RE: Vanilla / Ds lifestyle balance (10/30/2007 8:42:08 PM)

Are you paying attention to her, focusing on her as much as you did in the beginning, or are you ignoring her until you want a beer/blowjob/coffee/newspaper/what have you? Because personally I submit in reaction to dominance. When he stops dominating, I stop submitting. I don't submit in a vacuum.

The other thing is play. I need a certain level of it in order to feel that headspace, deprive me of it and I won't be able to feel submissive. Sort of like sleep deprivation, if you do this deliberately to me then expect me to be angry and bitchy. If I'm not fed I get whiny and feel put upon. Most people's moods and attitudes are effected by what's happening with their bodies. And unfortunately most of us are running on constant sleep deprivation. With that thought, good night.



NControlofU -> RE: Vanilla / Ds lifestyle balance (10/30/2007 8:50:55 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirTender

So, my question to the community at large, how do you keep a D/s relationship in focus after years, living together, and raising kids together, and dealing with real life(jobs, extended family, friends, finances)?  I'm not looking for the magic bullet, just other's little rituals, and ideas. (I may share a couple of mine if anyone cares, or asks)

A follow up question would be - What is your favorite way to bring your sub back to her knees when she's slipped out of her role?


I maintain control always.  Your right theres no  magic bullet.  Its different for everyone how you make it work.  So I cant tell you what you should do to keep you relationship in focus.  Thats for you to figure out.

My favorite way to bring my slave back to her knees is to say "on your knees whore".  It works everytime.  But she likes that.  You might need to try something diffrent.



MasterFireMaam -> RE: Vanilla / Ds lifestyle balance (10/30/2007 10:07:53 PM)

How would you keep the spark in a vanilla marriage? The only difference is that we have different sparks.

Master Fire



octavia -> RE: Vanilla / Ds lifestyle balance (10/30/2007 10:47:01 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rover

Personally, I use rituals as a kind of "preventive medicine" for just the purpose  you're expressing.  Though I find that used on a daily basis, they have a greater value to me as prevention rather than as a remedy to cure an already existing problem.  It's nothing elaborate or time consuming; just something that can be used as a daily reinforcement of the power exchange dynamic.
 
Similarly, I find it helpful to employ a daily ritual in order to facilitate the "transition" from daily vanilla life (primarily work) back into the relationship dynamic.  Again, nothing elaborate or time consuming.  Just meaningful on a personal level.
 
Both have a greater impact (for me) when employed on a daily basis.
 
John


And would you care to share any of the things that work for you?



octavia -> RE: Vanilla / Ds lifestyle balance (10/30/2007 10:52:14 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43

... I submit in reaction to dominance. When he stops dominating, I stop submitting. I don't submit in a vacuum.

...


Agreed!  If I'm not feeling dominated i have a hard time just offering up submission out of the blue.  I do see other subs do this, or talk about it rather, but I just .. well I dunno, it just feels corny to me if I try. 

I use a dance analogy to define D/s in relationship.  We are both dancing, but He leads and I follow.  Some days it seems like we are damn hot sexy dancers and other days... we can't dance. [&:]  For me, there is a learning curve involved and i have to remember to take that into account. 



tulitukka -> RE: Vanilla / Ds lifestyle balance (10/31/2007 12:22:57 AM)

I find it very similar to what any vanilla relationship has to solve. How to maintain the spark. The good thing about your situation is that you at least know of one mutually attractive thing that helps keep the spark alive. You just need to figure out how to maintain that feeling of dominance and submissiveness.

Understanding the dynamic you have and how outside pressures affect you is of paramount importance. I've found out that high levels of stress in my life tend to dilute my dominant side. And my girl is almost an empath, meaning that if I'm stressed out, so is she. If you have this kind of dynamic, then the stress within the relationship may continue far past the cause of the original stress. You need to do something to break that sort of a cycle.

I've found that for us, me being away on a business trip helps. It allows me to focus to myself and distance from the daily stresses. I come back with renewed vigor and as dominant as ever. That said, if that was the only way we could cope with this kind of a thing, we would be in for trouble. I've taken steps to make sure she serves me daily to reduce the pressures and stresses I have from my work. Whether she's stressed, or tired, I expect her to do that. It allows breaking the cycle and helps her maintain her submissiveness. As an example, she's responsible for taking care of my feet. It allows her to kneel below me and to serve.

Other things to do, if you have kids, you can still whisper all the naughty things to your submissive that makes her blush during the day. Promise something interesting for the evening _tomorrow_ (and tease her about it often enough to make her squirm).

Every now and then, I try to find a way of taking at least some time off from your earthly responsibilities and to just being dominant and submissive. And I also make sure I have time to rest before that happens, or reserve time for rest for both of us during the escape from reality time. I think of small things that I can make to get us both in a strongly dominant and submissive mindspace.

Spending time talking about your wishes and needs is also good. The hard part is to figure out ways of getting those conversations started, as most people don't respond well (i.e. cannot summon adequate thoughts on the subject) to the command 'now lets talk about how you want to submit and what you want from it' - at least not after a relatively long relationship during which those things have been discussed repeatedly. It's the new crumbs of information that make things interesting.

Last, but not least, I find it important to have challenge, though probably not everyone agrees with me. So for me it's important to learn new things and to solve interesting problems that relate to the D/s dynamic and relationship. So pushing boundaries, making her confront something new, a little bit scary and difficult may just be helpful.

All thoughts, of course, based on my relationships and my ideas of D/s which include 24/7, and a very high degree of submission from my girl and a whole lot of responsibility from me. It's what I want and need from my relationship. What is it that you want? And need?



Rover -> RE: Vanilla / Ds lifestyle balance (10/31/2007 5:34:20 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: octavia

And would you care to share any of the things that work for you?


Generally speaking, I'm reluctant to elaborate upon some of the things that work for me because people are lazy.  They'll simply adopt what they see works for other folks, without regard for whether it will work for them.  In point of fact, I revise and modify these things based upon the unique individual I'm in a relationship with and how she responds to them.
 
Point is, the process of developing rituals that work in a unique relationship can't be bypassed.
 
Having said that, in general they include the following elements:
 
1.  Reinforcement/Preventive Medicine:  A series of questions to which she responds, constructed so as to be an enjoyable and reassuring daily reminder about the relationship dynamic we live.
 
2.  Transition from Work to Home:  A quiet few moments spent on her knees, head on my thigh, running my fingers through her hair and speaking softly to her.  Making home, and our relationship, her sanctuary.
 
How people fill in the considerable blanks is the meaningful part.  But there should be enough structure there to provide obvious direction.
 
John



CelticPrince -> RE: Vanilla / Ds lifestyle balance (10/31/2007 9:08:54 AM)

ST,

glad you posted this one as it really does need perpetual airing out for R/T folks and even part time ers also.. there is that natural slip into the void of vanilla and I do not believe it can be avoided ; nuetralized to a high degree or as high as individual personaliites will allow is the best that can be done.

For me it is antisipation that is the key and to set up protocols in advance.
Things that have worked in the past for me were "Sir" days (normally 4 out of 7. It kept the D/s dynamic in both our minds

During the odd days, I might fix dinner, open car doors etc. The dynamic has to be flexable according to the personaliites.

CP



daddyscherry -> RE: Vanilla / Ds lifestyle balance (10/31/2007 10:34:49 AM)

Things with my Master/Daddy and i are always in place. He is always the one with the final word, and i am always submissive to him. Even when he isn't coming across as necessarily dominant. i guess, i am one of those who submits in a vacuum (but that is just how i am personally)

That being said, although i always submit, i am not always in "slave space" (which for me is a peaceful, contented place inside that makes everything seem clear aand beautiful-- well mostly :)) Regardless of my head space i still submit though.

So when i feel as if i am losing my center, so to speak, i will sometimes ask my Daddy for tasks that seem to help get me more centered. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't.

One of my favorites is doing my chores with leather wrist and ankle cuffs with clips in the centers. This makes me very aware of my place in each and every action that i take....with each step and move i think of my Daddy...and recall thaat i am his slave.

Sometimes i will pee in a bowl (there is a particular bowl that i use and have since i began living with my Daddy)...this also helps remind me.

Even though i don't have actual furniture restrictions i will sometimes (for weeks or months at a time) Sit on a pillow on the floor near the spot where my Daddy sits. This one helps me alot.

Best of luck to you both



szobras -> RE: Vanilla / Ds lifestyle balance (10/31/2007 2:59:20 PM)

how do you keep a D/s relationship in focus after years, living together, and raising kids together, and dealing with real life(jobs, extended family, friends, finances)? 
By not seperating aspects, dynamics, nor constructs to be only one or the other all of the time. But working together to create and integrate everything that making up the whole of the relationship.



octavia -> RE: Vanilla / Ds lifestyle balance (10/31/2007 4:41:22 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rover



Generally speaking, I'm reluctant to elaborate upon some of the things that work for me because people are lazy.  They'll simply adopt what they see works for other folks, without regard for whether it will work for them.  In point of fact, I revise and modify these things based upon the unique individual I'm in a relationship with and how she responds to them.
 
Point is, the process of developing rituals that work in a unique relationship can't be bypassed.
 
Having said that, in general they include the following elements:
 
1.  Reinforcement/Preventive Medicine:  A series of questions to which she responds, constructed so as to be an enjoyable and reassuring daily reminder about the relationship dynamic we live.
 
2.  Transition from Work to Home:  A quiet few moments spent on her knees, head on my thigh, running my fingers through her hair and speaking softly to her.  Making home, and our relationship, her sanctuary.
 
How people fill in the considerable blanks is the meaningful part.  But there should be enough structure there to provide obvious direction.
 
John


Thanks!
I wasn't looking to steal your ideas rather than come up with my own.  Instead I was looking for what works for you in an attempt to pick out the "active ingredients".  How people structure things is individual and to be effective it needs to be, but there are still some things that are universal.
oct



Rover -> RE: Vanilla / Ds lifestyle balance (10/31/2007 5:05:02 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: octavia

I wasn't looking to steal your ideas rather than come up with my own. 


I should have said that I did not think that would be the case with you (but as you know, there are plenty of folks reading along), and that in private conversation I would not at all mind sharing in greater detail.
 
John



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