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Responsibilities of a Dom - 11/1/2007 3:01:50 AM   
MidnightMaiden


Posts: 142
Joined: 10/22/2007
Status: offline 		I have a male friend who has expressed some interest in becoming a Dom, not just vanilla silk scarf bondage with a bit of hanky spanky, but a lifestyle Dom.  I think he has the potential, at least some of the core traits necessary for this to happen, and I would like to be able to give him some resources and literature to read, as well as first hand advice/tales from experienced Doms.

So to all you Masters/Doms out there, what do you think are the most important parts of your role?  What do you love the most about it? Is there anything you dislike about it?  Is there any aspect you find mundane or chore like but feel is still essential. If you could write yourself a list of things you wish you'd known earlier, what would be on the list?  I'm not looking for a "Training Subs for Dummies" guide, I am sure that when he starts working with a sub he will have his own style and work it out with his sub, but more personal insights into what you feel is important for a Dom to have and to know, what you feel your responsibilities are.

Respectfully, Sassi


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RE: Responsibilities of a Dom - 11/1/2007 3:27:39 AM   
DMFParadox


Posts: 1405
Joined: 9/11/2007
Status: offline 		I've got nothing solid, here, just possible suggestions.  Every sub I've had has blown away preconceptions I had with earlier ones--Are they having fun when they're shaking so violently they're pulling off the ropes?  You would think they are, but sometimes not.  Should you ignore their limits?  Hell, sometimes you do have to.  I don't recommend it often, but that's an example of something that I thought I should never, ever do, but when those times came, it was the right decision to make.

I guess the best advice I can give is to be absolutely clear on what you want as a Dom.  TPE?  Ok, then should the sub value her job more than she does her Master?  Her house, posessions, etc.?  This is a personal call; I'd rather have my sub have a full life and her own income, but should she value her career more than any demands I might make of her while at work?  That's a big question, and a tough balancing act... So your friend needs to know if 'center of her universe' has qualifiers, and what they are.  If he's not going TPE, then he needs to figure out how far he does want to go, and make it clear why he wants that. 

Also, he should have any toys he might use used on himself first.  Nipple clamps, floggers, blindfolds, he should spend some quality time with an experienced Domme in learning how these things feel against the skin, and where they put him mentally.  Then he has a baseline for judging his girl's reactions.

Thirdly, he should not ignore vanilla ways that men make themselves attractive to women.  Take care of himself.  Spend some time on good grooming.  Have a strong self image.  Have a life.  Go out.  Have stories to tell.  Be able to walk up to a woman you've never met before and have her laughing within 5 minutes, and asking your name before you ask her for hers.  Etc., etc.  I'm not suggesting he be a pimp, but he should have at least the basics of some game.  Submissive women (And Dommes) are still women, and the fundamentals still apply.

Regards, good luck to your friend.

_____________________________

bloody hell, get me some aspirin and a whiskey straight

"The role of gender in society is the most complicated thing I’ve ever spent a lot of time learning about, and I’ve spent a lot of time learning about quantum mechanics." - Randall Munroe

(in reply to MidnightMaiden)
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RE: Responsibilities of a Dom - 11/1/2007 5:45:34 AM   
Rover


Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline 		I wrote an article on advice for the novice Dominant for our local community which may (or may not) be relevant. 
 
http://www.pittsburghleather.org/Articles/Dominance/Advice%20For%20The%20Novice%20Top-Dominant.pdf
 
Please note a glaring error identifying a "bottom" as giving up control in a scene (a scene may or may not include any element of control).  Something I'll have to get the webmaster to revise.
 
John

_____________________________

"Man's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions."

Sri da Avabhas

(in reply to MidnightMaiden)
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RE: Responsibilities of a Dom - 11/1/2007 5:52:32 AM   
MidnightMaiden


Posts: 142
Joined: 10/22/2007
Status: offline 		Thank you both for your replies, excellent advice in both posts. 

(in reply to Rover)
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RE: Responsibilities of a Dom - 11/1/2007 7:45:08 AM   
Vanatru


Posts: 300
Joined: 4/16/2004
Status: offline 		There's a TON of info out there, but where it all starts is really basic stuff. I always tell the new guys, before you can master another, you have to master yourself. He has to know who he is, what he wants, stay focused. There are a million things that can distract him from that focus, and in the end, it's not something that can be played, it's a quality inside. If he doesn't have the drive and desire, if he doesn't want the responsibility, if it's some kind of conquest fantasy, it's better to know his limits than pretend otherwise.

IF he does decide to go down the "masterly" path, it'd help if he got involved with people that do it rl, at least one if not several mentors he can trust (they have to be dominant as well), and get a bunch of real experience (honing up interpersonal skills wouldn't hurt either).

As far as practical M/s, there's 2 things he should run a search on "internal slavery" and "concensual slavery". That'll save him a lot of time and frustration.

(in reply to MidnightMaiden)
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RE: Responsibilities of a Dom - 11/1/2007 8:04:35 AM   
Archer


Posts: 3207
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline 		Spend the time to watch examples of dominance and submission in the world around you.
Find those things that speak to you about the various things you see when you are doing so.
If harsh and rough is what speaks to yu examine the how when where why's of it as it relates to you.
The better you know yourself the better off you will be when working out the issues of dominance and submission as a format for living your personal life.

Organize your thoughts on what dominance and submission are all about ahead of time, but don't be afraid to modify them as new information becomes available to you.

And PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE answer the WHY you do what you do D/s SM whatever as early as you can. All too often I see folks learn the how too but ignore the why.

(in reply to Vanatru)
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RE: Responsibilities of a Dom - 11/2/2007 8:38:24 PM   
DMFParadox


Posts: 1405
Joined: 9/11/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Archer

Spend the time to watch examples of dominance and submission in the world around you.
Find those things that speak to you about the various things you see when you are doing so.
If harsh and rough is what speaks to yu examine the how when where why's of it as it relates to you.
The better you know yourself the better off you will be when working out the issues of dominance and submission as a format for living your personal life.

Ooh, I like that one.  There are all kinds of dominant relations... baboon tribes, wolf packs, lion prides (my favorite), horse herds, bird territories, goats, deer, any kind of moderately social creature.  Even dolphins.  Look at how they play and why... very good suggestion.

quote:


Organize your thoughts on what dominance and submission are all about ahead of time, but don't be afraid to modify them as new information becomes available to you.

And PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE answer the WHY you do what you do D/s SM whatever as early as you can. All too often I see folks learn the how too but ignore the why.


This part I already said.  Though you seem to feel more passionate about it right now.  Preach on, brother.



_____________________________

bloody hell, get me some aspirin and a whiskey straight

"The role of gender in society is the most complicated thing I’ve ever spent a lot of time learning about, and I’ve spent a lot of time learning about quantum mechanics." - Randall Munroe

(in reply to Archer)
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RE: Responsibilities of a Dom - 11/2/2007 10:28:21 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		The ability to create and maintain a healthy, adult relationships is first and foremost on my list. The ability to create a stucture is second. The ability to accept the transfer of authority in a responsible manner is third.

Check out the list of books in my signature that pertain to Ms relationships.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to MidnightMaiden)
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RE: Responsibilities of a Dom - 11/2/2007 10:35:01 PM   
teal


Posts: 8
Joined: 9/29/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DMFParadox

quote:

ORIGINAL: Archer

Spend the time to watch examples of dominance and submission in the world around you.
Find those things that speak to you about the various things you see when you are doing so.
If harsh and rough is what speaks to yu examine the how when where why's of it as it relates to you.
The better you know yourself the better off you will be when working out the issues of dominance and submission as a format for living your personal life.

Ooh, I like that one.  There are all kinds of dominant relations... baboon tribes, wolf packs, lion prides (my favorite), horse herds, bird territories, goats, deer, any kind of moderately social creature.  Even dolphins.  Look at how they play and why... very good suggestion.

Sometimes we don't have to look any further than our own back yard....i was fortunate to witness an incredible relationship for the past 12 years ~ my big ol male black lab, and his "wife", an even bigger shepherd girl.  He was so gentle, he was a nanny to my kids when they were babies.  She could have whipped his (or anyone's) ass, but that was not their dynamic.  He was Boss, and she adored him.  I always found them fascinating to watch, would get mad when he made her wait to eat until he was done (except when there were table scraps, sorry Sir, HARD limit for her, lol)  She made it a year after he died, but it was all downhill...nothing physically wrong with her, but one day she just laid down and didn't get back up.....

On the other hand, i have a scrappy lil female cat i adopted from the pound 12 years ago...she's not mean, she likes attention...but on HER terms only....submissive she's NOT!

Yes, we can certainly learn from the natural world around us


(in reply to DMFParadox)
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RE: Responsibilities of a Dom - 11/3/2007 5:14:36 PM   
KnightSB


Posts: 2
Joined: 10/7/2005
Status: offline 		All of the replies here offer great ideas and advise. I do like how you said "responsibilities of a Dom". Its nice to see other dominants refer to the 'relationship' because that IS what has formed. Keep in mind it takes time to develop likes, dislikes, nuances, your own personal flavor per se.  With all these good responses, I would recommend lots of reading. Learn from others.

(in reply to teal)
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RE: Responsibilities of a Dom - 11/3/2007 6:56:31 PM   
MidnightMaiden


Posts: 142
Joined: 10/22/2007
Status: offline 		Thank you again everyone for your thoughtful and informative replies, and thank you Master Fire for the list of books, I will pass those along as recommended reading.  

(in reply to KnightSB)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Responsibilities of a Dom - 11/12/2007 10:54:03 PM   
masterlink65


Posts: 683
Joined: 11/3/2007
Status: offline 		two important things when looking at a potential slave, are mainly compatibility issues. if i like verbal and discipline, i do not look for a panty slave. having a slave family setting, compatibility is big concern.

i feel greatly responsible for my slaves well being. i do not care how well my slave can suck cock, how much of a beating my slave can take. health concerns, "reading" the slave during training and heavy use. alot of responsibility on a master to make sure no one gets hurt. no master should want to damage their owned property, unless they are the type to drive their car into a tree for no reason, or perhaps beat the dog for fun. slaves need to be able to voice their needs and know the difference between wants and needs.

(in reply to MidnightMaiden)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Responsibilities of a Dom - 11/14/2007 2:34:04 PM   
masterlink65


Posts: 683
Joined: 11/3/2007
Status: offline 		the list goes on and on really. knowing how to spot signs of anguish and the sub/slave being near the limit. knowing when to be stern and strict, and when to let the leash out and let sub/slave whatever, prove itself as loyal, and obedient. it is also dom/masters responsibility to notice courage and ability to follow orders etc, and to praise sub/slave for job well done, or softening a hard limit, or for offering a gift of somesort. the was a question about the "gift" masters look for. i can give an example of the type of gift i like to recieve. my second slave bruno, had a hard limit against being pierced, but it also has a family situation of not being able to wear a neck collar 24/7. the hard limit was lifted, master allowed for compromise, and now slave bruno has a 6g PA and that serves as his 24/7 collar. to me,,, that took courage, and we are both happy.

(in reply to masterlink65)
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RE: Responsibilities of a Dom - 11/15/2007 9:40:05 AM   
ABMaster


Posts: 17
Joined: 3/9/2007
Status: offline 		The Dom's responsibilities depend to a large measure on the degree of power the submissive has handed over to him.

Is it a total power exchange, whereby the submissive has given up control over every aspect of her life? In this case, the Dom has an awesome responsibility!

Is it a partial power exchange? The responsibility is still great, but not as much as in a TPE.

In either case, the Dom must ensure that his submissive stays healthy, grows as a person (not just as a submissive), is kept safe from harm, and will be financially ok and able to function in the real world if something were to happen to Him.

In the D/s perspective, the Dom is responsible for defining the boundaries and expected behavior, and ensuring that the submissive understands all of this.

(in reply to MidnightMaiden)
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RE: Responsibilities of a Dom - 11/15/2007 11:00:36 AM   
masterlink65


Posts: 683
Joined: 11/3/2007
Status: offline 		well put

(in reply to ABMaster)
Profile   Post #: 15
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