RE: All Hail any Dom/Owner who labels himself such!!

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RE: All Hail any Dom/Owner who labels himself such!! - 11/1/2007 12:42:06 PM

mya75

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Basing it totally on what I have observed ..I guess I will wait another 3 weeks and repost lol

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RE: All Hail any Dom/Owner who labels himself such!! - 11/1/2007 12:52:08 PM

URASSISMINE85

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This, is something that i have seen alot of as well....and instead of helping to bring some clearity to the person posting we have time wasters who wont to add that they have never done what is being talked about...just taking up space!

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RE: All Hail any Dom/Owner who labels himself such!! - 11/1/2007 1:15:36 PM

Dari

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I'm just responding to your first part - the question about why posters immediately jump to suggesting that the OP work things out, and asking for more information. Any time I see a post looking for advice about a particular situation, whether the OP is male or female, sub or Dom, I immediately assume two things:

1) This person wants advice beyond what they would decide or see for themselves. As such, it is often necessary to get more information, to have a clearer idea of what's going on in a situation, and get a better overall picture.

2) This person actually wants to work things out, even if they don't know the way to do so right now - so advice tends to be along the lines of ways to work around or through the situation, rather than immediately stepping away.

See, here's the catch: we shouldn't be telling you what to do with your relationship. Advice? Sure. Opinions? Absolutely. But I refuse to make decisions for people (unless those people belong to me). The one exception is in a case where I feel the person involved is being abused. So - if you post about how you don't know what your Dom is thinking, and you've asked him but you're still just not sure? I'm not going to be on the boards clamoring for you to leave him. That's just not my decision to make, really - and I have no interest in assuming responsibility for other people's decisions in this sort of thing, either.

Because when you do make your choice, to leave or to stay and work things out, to try one person's advice or another thing entirely? You should be accountable to yourself, not blaming someone on the messageboard if something goes wrong. There's nothing wrong with advice, but the decision to take or leave it - and to stay or leave, in relationship cases, should be the choice of the people involved in the relationship.

And as an aside: "You can always leave" should be understood as an option from the get-go. It's a viable option, and certainly worth merit, but it's pretty cut and dried, and nothing really additional should have to be said about it.

(And to clarify: I don't mean the OP herself - just in general the "you" of people who would ask for advice here.)

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RE: All Hail any Dom/Owner who labels himself such!! - 11/1/2007 1:21:13 PM

RCdc

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quote:

ORIGINAL: mya75

Basing it totally on what I have observed ..I guess I will wait another 3 weeks and repost lol

If you do that though, you will get complained at and repremanded for repeating topics and being repeatative... and then get the whole 'go search - don't repost' malarky...

Peace
the.dark.

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RE: All Hail any Dom/Owner who labels himself such!! - 11/1/2007 1:32:25 PM

toservez

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Personally, I think for a minority of dominants the all knowing and dominants are innocent until proven guilty and submissives are guilty until proven innocent comes from insecurity and too much cyber theoretical babble. I think though for most it is the classic stereotype at play dominant must be strong and lead which equates to typing out words of “I do no know” or “I did this, what do you think” are signs of weakness therefore must not do.

A big part of the problem whenever you get to advice type thread is we all are making assumptions. Most of us including dominants make these assumptions like the person who is asking has an IQ and common sense near our own but some just need to believe the one asking is a clueless idiot.

The problem is the medium. These questions get asked and answered in a vacuum. The obvious answer is to talk to the other person and often the case is that person has not done this or has played so many games to try to get a solution they think they have talked to the other person. Then combine this with the catch all too many dominants preach of needing to communicate all things going on to their dominant so they can fix it. Obviously, this has a lot of merit but the reality of life is far different. The reality of life is if all the problems/neglect issues that come up have to be communicated by the submissive that means the relationship is not 50/50 and the dominant is not putting enough effort into the relationship. The submissive by having to do all of this is not getting what they need out of the relationship. It is this part that to me is not represented enough on these boards because of the dominant must project wisdom and strength.

Most of us are in an agreement that a dominant in the relationship must lead. Whenever problems arise too many dominants on this message board in my opinion too often want to personalize it about them and therefore must not be an issue on them so therefore it must be the submissive that is wrong and therefore let’s ignore what is written. Good dominants are leaders and leaders are proactive. Obviously some proactive things a submissive has to do period but too much in one area makes their dominant more just about being reactive and that will sink a power exchange relationship most of the time. It is to me this that is lost most in how people write on these types of threads that the vacuum of cyber compared to reality leaves out.

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RE: All Hail any Dom/Owner who labels himself such!! - 11/1/2007 1:36:37 PM

mya75

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Dark,
I was being a wise arse I would never recreate a thread similar to one I already placed, I was merely making a statement that regardless of how long I have been here my post clearly stated I was going by my observations thus far...and I wondered why the situation is and what other people had encountered....*smiles* Nicely said "toservez" I agree

< Message edited by mya75 -- 11/1/2007 1:38:34 PM >

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RE: All Hail any Dom/Owner who labels himself such!! - 11/1/2007 1:51:25 PM

RCdc

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Yes I know, so was I...

But it really is a lot to do with the subjects and way people post. Dominants don't usually post about intimate details in the same way submissives do(stereotypical yeah, but it does happen for that reason). When a dominant does post something intimate (as with a thread earlier this week) they are asked why they divulge such intimate details. Ach it is all swings n roundabouts. It changes so often depending who is reading and answering, it's hard to pin down reasons as to 'why'. Pack mentality also comes into play - people do enjoy taking sides. I believe people also personalise things a lot as well, and tend to answer from the heart rather than see two sides.

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RE: All Hail any Dom/Owner who labels himself such!! - 11/1/2007 2:32:58 PM

laurell3

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Honestly other than theoretical questions, I wouldn't post on a public forum about my relationship period. I really don't think it's helpful to the issue we are having to do anything that could be seen as criticising them in public. I do, however, have friends I can turn to in the lifestyle and ask am I off base or help me see this logically instead of emotionally.

The problem is we only have one side. The side of the OP. How do we assume anything other than what the OP is saying?

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RE: All Hail any Dom/Owner who labels himself such!! - 11/1/2007 3:40:54 PM

LonDom61

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Hi mya.

Hmmm that's an interesting point. Now, when you say "He/She is then put through a series of questions by people responding to the post...", do you mean that.....?

Just kiddin.

And it is an interesting point. One I hadn't noticed or thought of. Now I'm thinking back through my vast experience on these threads... Jeez, has it really been less than a week?

You could be right. I'll accept it as a hypothesis and test it against future observation.

...all of which helps you not at all, of course. But thanks for the insight. Always worthwhile. I'll subscribe to the thread & get back to ya on that, though.

'Course I just woke up, haven't had a coffee yet (yeah, I now check cm before coffee; nah, I'm not addicted). So maybe something'll occur to me then.

*stumbles groggily over to coffee machine; notes coffee still in pot from last night; looks at microwave, back to coffee pot; microwave again....*

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RE: All Hail any Dom/Owner who labels himself such!! - 11/1/2007 3:46:18 PM

mya75

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*drives by Starbucks and drops you off a fresh cup*

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RE: All Hail any Dom/Owner who labels himself such!! - 11/1/2007 3:57:19 PM

ownedgirlie

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In theory.....

A Dominant runs the relationship, so if the Dominant wants to know what's going on in the relationship, he/she asks him/herself or converses with the submissive in the relationship.

So if a submissive posts, asking questions about what's going on in the relationship, he/she is generally told, "Go ask the person who is running the relationship."

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RE: All Hail any Dom/Owner who labels himself such!! - 11/1/2007 4:27:20 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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I agree with Chell and Dark- I think the types/ways of questions asked tend to be different, hence the different responses.

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RE: All Hail any Dom/Owner who labels himself such!! - 11/1/2007 6:23:49 PM

Celeste43

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Must be in the handbook I never received. Subs are always wrong, dom/mes are always right. Just as well I didn't get it, just one more thing to toss.

Life isn't that cut and dried and in all relationships blame falls 50/50.

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RE: All Hail any Dom/Owner who labels himself such!! - 11/1/2007 6:26:34 PM

RRafe

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It's because people reply to stereotypes-not individuals.

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RE: All Hail any Dom/Owner who labels himself such!! - 11/1/2007 6:27:10 PM

juliaoceania

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quote:

ORIGINAL: mya75

Yeah I must ask this ...Why is it when a sub posts asking for advice she/he is immediately told to try and work things out even when she/he has clearly stated that this has been done. He/She is then put through a series of questions by people responding to the post asking for more and more info ...But......When a Dom/Owner posts they usually get definitive answers based on their onesided posts....Just an observation I made and wanted to see what kind of responses I would get...Thanks in advance and again this is based on what I have seen and read and doesnt mean all posts are like this...

I noted something a long long time ago on this fora... sometimes submissive posts were treated as less serious than dom posts.

I think I made a thread about the topic.

What I determined is that I would be the change I wanted to see in the world. I treated both dominant and submissive posts with equal weight. We tend to get more of what we focus on, so I also try to focus on those posters that have positive energy and give uplifting advice. Since that is what I focus on I tend not to overly notice those who do not resonate with me

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RE: All Hail any Dom/Owner who labels himself such!! - 11/1/2007 6:30:13 PM

mya75

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* Great way to make a change by starting with yourself * *smiles*

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RE: All Hail any Dom/Owner who labels himself such!! - 11/1/2007 6:36:02 PM

TNstepsout

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Save yourself a lot of trouble. Just ask me. I know everything.

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RE: All Hail any Dom/Owner who labels himself such!! - 11/1/2007 6:38:54 PM

juliaoceania

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quote:

ORIGINAL: TNstepsout

Save yourself a lot of trouble. Just ask me. I know everything.

That is sound advice there

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RE: All Hail any Dom/Owner who labels himself such!! - 11/2/2007 6:05:34 AM

SteelofUtah

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I will admit I am LONG WINDED but that is because of the whole issue with, Well did you try this? which is usually such a simple answer that it was sually the first thing tried but if I put everything down that I have tried or every possible initial responce that I can think of people tell me to get a life and get a paying job perhaps that pays me by the word.

What I can't understand is that a FORUM is about discussing a Question or a Topic and ALL TOO OFTEN I see many people who ignore the question just to attack the OP, or they turn what the OP has said into something that is a far stretch of ones imagination just to make the OP look bad or stupid.

I really try not to care, but sometimes it is hard because the OP asks a question and then it becomes a bloob bath. All because the OP either didn't give enough information or not enough and the next thing you know they are being chastized for things that only happned in the person who replied mind.

See and here since I have more than three paragraphs I have posted too much and most people won't even read this.

I really just don't get it sometimes. I thought Forums were for discussion not putting someone else down so that you can feel better about yourself.

I am sure I have been guilty of this in the past, who knows maybe someone now thinks I am a Hypocrite for even typing this up but to the OP I see what you mean and I wish I had some advice to give you but so many people on CM are just really pompas and closed minded they don't even care enough to listen to what you are asking before making thier responce.

Just my two cents in a sea of pocket change.

As Always

Steel

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RE: All Hail any Dom/Owner who labels himself such!! - 11/2/2007 7:57:16 AM

erasmic

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quote:

this is based on what I have seen and read

That is because it is clear very few people who respond bother to read the poster's profile.

Yours is a lovely one and you deserve to find who you desire ! Good luck.

E

< Message edited by erasmic -- 11/2/2007 7:59:05 AM >

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