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Dilemma - 11/1/2007 4:09:58 PM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
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Please help. This is the first time I have posted on this forum about poly lifestyale.
I know, for those who read my posts on General Discussion that I am well received. I have private email thanking me for my posts, more often than not for my sense of humour and quippy commments.
But I have reached a very real dilemma and I really do need advice and input from here.
I have nevr been able to be monogamous. You knpw the usual reasins: I am bi and a switch. Submissibe with males and dominant with women. One dominant has never fulfilled all my needs without me hankering after 'she' and I have searched but not found it easy to get a realtionship with a s/s couple as the dynamic is usually already we;; established.
I am sure this issue has been raised before here but here is the crux of the matter,
know but he hurts me perfectly
i am extreme in my needs, he is a sadist and doesnt role play
i cant be alone without a master
In my own house i make no demands of anyone financial or otherwisw but sexually i cannot i have never been alone; only alone during recovery periods between dominants. I don't play publicly and am strictly privateratti. I am trying not to blame my new Dom or complain about him if/when problems arise, I am trying accepting full responsibility for pusruing this because although I have walked away from him recently, I have not allowed anyone to be this extreme with me before. He is a natural sadist but able also of extreme tenderness. I have spent time with him at his home.
I have have deep issues. He says he wants to be free, no ties except for the fetters he places on me.
I feel i reserve the right to be promiscuous (because its always like a fall back) even though I expect my Dom to be committed to me as his seeing others makes me feel insecure thats the crux of it...i have never entirely submitted because I am a fesity bitch of a submissive and its my promiscuity which i project onto otjers and thus feel insecure
I am expecting the other to do what i am not
A friend has told me its because I am the smarter..
But although my new Dom feels heartless, if I accept hsi Dominion then his rules are this: he allows me to screw.scene with whomever \I like a sling as I tell him. He reserves the right as my Dominat not to have to tell me. Neither of us will be happy without a third or fourth in our relationship. But I feel that if he is having a serious scene with another girl, one he is denying me contact with her and two fulfilling his poly needs but I am not. Whereas if I play with others without telling him the punishment may be too severe.
I am so sorry this has been a deep long post. But I do need support.

Prinsexx.

< Message edited by Prinsexx -- 11/1/2007 4:11:03 PM >

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RE: Dilemma - 11/1/2007 4:23:56 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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A) There's a poly forum specifically for poly related questions

B) New dom? WHen did the last relationship end?

C) The specifics here don't matter- you either choose to compromise your values and needs for who you are to be with someone who accepts you compromising your values and needs for who yuo are, or you stand firm and find a relationship with someone who is compatible.

FEELINGS and CONNECTIONS do not make long term fulfilling relationships.

Decide what you need for yourself and go from there.

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Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: Dilemma - 11/1/2007 5:04:05 PM

chellekitty

Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
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quote:

i cant be alone without a master
In my own house i make no demands of anyone financial or otherwisw but sexually i cannot i have never been alone; only alone during recovery periods between dominants.

there are so many things we let make our lives chaotic when we have the answers for ourselves....we just need a mirror to see them...and i don't mean a physical mirror...i mean someone to point out the "whoa, wait a second" things....

the rest of your post was about your relationship dynamics...the one part that i quoted was about your personal delima's that you have chosen to share on this post...so...follow along with me here...

imagine that this was not you, but someone else who told you this...just that one line that i quoted...

would you think that there might be a problem with that?

i think there is...because in my experience...when i go from relatonship to relationship, only pausing long enough to get over the "hurt" the last one caused...i am trying to fix something wrong inside with someone else....when i should be fixing me for me with me (and various other non sexual, non power exchange, non romantic, non expecting support people)

personally, i have figured out that i cannot enter into a power exchange relationship (or any other type of relationship for that matter, but i choose for all of mine to be power exchange because thats what works for me) until i have something to exchange...

going to stop there...but i think you know what i am talking about...

take care...
chelle

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One thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve. ~Albert Schweitzer

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RE: Dilemma - 11/1/2007 6:03:24 PM

batshalom

Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
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Ah, prinsexx, you are such a joy. I hate that you are having difficulties.

From my own experience, even when I am wild about Person X, if I am forced to give up a part of who I am, no matter how much I adore this person, then I wind up hating him, staying too long in a bad relationship, and wasting too much of the precious time I have on this earth on something that simply doesn't work. Don't short-change yourself. Don't settle. You're too beautiful, too precious. Be well. Make good strong decisions, whatever they might be.

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RE: Dilemma - 11/1/2007 6:06:09 PM

Celeste43

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Joined: 2/4/2006
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I'm unsure if you are just in the discussion stage or if he's setting up new parameters for you two. If the first, well if you aren't compatible, then you just aren't.

I admit to some confusion about not being able to be alone for sex. There are plenty of good vibrators out there that are far superior than just being with someone you don't connect with.

If this is a change in your relationship, then why did he feel the need to change stuff? Have you demanded info about the other women that was invasive to their privacy? Did you want the right to veto his partners for him? Did you insist on him only having as other partners women who were interested in threesomes? Because if so, then that obviously wasn't working for him. However he should tell you exactly why he's changing the rules.

Or has he set up his rules like this because of this type of behavior in his ex? If so, you need to ask why he needs it this way, why aren't you allowed to meet them, play with them, etc. He may just have found it emotionally too difficult to do it the way you want it, and that's okay. But if you need to know why, and he won't talk about it, that to me is a major problem.

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RE: Dilemma - 11/1/2007 6:15:54 PM

HottLicks

Posts: 174
Joined: 9/21/2007
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If I remember correctly, this is a newer relationship with your dom, that started very quickly. Attraction, a perfect sex partner, etc. doesn't always mean the right life partner for you. You both seem to be limiting one another based on wounds from the past or in self.

I wish you well... but I really think you need to dig into 'self' a bit to find your answers. If you cannot be alone... there is a problem. We can want to be with someone... but needing to be with someone when we have some personal issues will only complicate things and keep them complicated if we don't stop, look, listen and apply the right kind of healing. Otherwise it becomes a cycle of self bashing.

I hope you find what you are seeking and happiness!

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