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Help - how do I tell my wife of 25 years..... - 11/1/2007 8:24:45 PM

subwannabe00000

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Help - how do I tell my wife of 25 years that I want to be dominated, preferably by her. any advice as to how to ease into this topic w/o completly blowing her mind?

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RE: Help - how do I tell my wife of 25 years..... - 11/1/2007 10:33:36 PM

LadyLegs

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Check out Elise Sutton's website.

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RE: Help - how do I tell my wife of 25 years..... - 11/1/2007 11:11:14 PM

slave4urneeds

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Joined: 3/19/2007
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First of all i am going to give you two submissive groups that i belong to for you to post there too! These groups have been a tremendous source of information, support and guidance in my "life." They are there solely for the purpose of the submissive's needs.
#1 http://groups.yahoo.com/group/sub-mission/ #2 http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Submissives_Sanctuary/

Be honest,, and go slow.. it has obviously taken you some time to be sure of who and what you desire, don't expect her to be ready to become your Domme overnight. You might start out by showing your submissiveness by serving her needs more and getting pleasure from this. If she is into reading romantic or erotic books or watching romantic or erotic movies, try introducing it to her this way. There are some really great reads out there, maybe read them together and talk about what excited each of you. Remember she may not be on board overnight, but allowing her to explore and experience somethings at her pace is the best way to get her comfortable with all of it. Who knows, she might be more comfortable with it than you are!! Be careful what you wish for LOL!! Best of luck and do try these other two sites.

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RE: Help - how do I tell my wife of 25 years..... - 11/1/2007 11:38:02 PM

stella41b

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Why not just come out with it just as you would any other subject? Why does there need to be a big announcement? It's not like you've accidentally killed the postman or done something major or dramatic, or is it?

People tend to react badly to major announcements, it puts them on edge and makes them nervous. Just coming out with something as if its natural and normal usually gets a better reaction and people tend to be more open and accepting of what you tell them.

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RE: Help - how do I tell my wife of 25 years..... - 11/1/2007 11:47:35 PM

MissMagnolia

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I'm with stella. Making a song and dance about it isn't going to make her more receptive to the idea. If you say "we need to talk" or anything else of that nature, she's already going to be on the defensive before she finds out what it is.

Why can't you just introduce her to the idea the way we all introduce new elements into a relationship? Ask her if you can spice things up a bit by doing this, that or whatever. Ask her if she'd like to try blah blah blah.

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RE: Help - how do I tell my wife of 25 years..... - 11/2/2007 12:25:44 AM

MasterFireMaam

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How would you broach any other new subject with her? What's worked in the past?

If you're wanting to be of service in many ways, not just in the bedroom, I highly recommend NOT starting in the bedroom. And, start small, unless she's all for just wading in. There are some excellent books on the market. Check out my listmanias in my signature.

Master Fire

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RE: Help - how do I tell my wife of 25 years..... - 11/2/2007 4:23:03 AM

AquaticSub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: subwannabe00000

Help - how do I tell my wife of 25 years that I want to be dominated, preferably by her. any advice as to how to ease into this topic w/o completly blowing her mind?

You can always try reading and giving When Somone You Love is Kinky. It can definately give you a place to start the conversation.

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RE: Help - how do I tell my wife of 25 years..... - 11/2/2007 4:36:49 AM

MRandme

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First, be sure that she really is a Domme-type. You don't want to ask her to do something that is against her nature.

Introduce it as role-play or make it a gift for a special occasion. "Since it is your birthday, tonight i will do whatever you want in bed... you get to call all the shots. i won't even come until you tell me i can." Most women would love the idea, unless they are submissive themselves.

As someone else said, start outside the bedroom. While she is watching tv or reading, sit at her feet and rub them. Run her a bubble bath with candles lit in the room. Fetch her a drink without being asked. In other words start serving... you don't even have to bring up serving in the bedroom. Start treating her as she were your Domme.

Be warned, she may start to suspect you are feeling guilty about something or trying to butter her up. Sooner or later, she will ask why you are doing it. That's when you ask. Have something ready that will explain to her exactly what you want. She will have already experienced part of what it means, so the sexual part will be the only mystery to it.

hope this helps in some way.

g

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RE: Help - how do I tell my wife of 25 years..... - 11/2/2007 4:56:32 AM

blissfullywicked

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I went through this a few years ago with my husband. All it got me was a bunch of 'that's wrong', 'that's insane', 'control freaks and weak minded women'. It didn't go well. Marriage went down hill, is basically platonic now, and subjects of personal matters like needs and desires are no more. We have become roommates that share a house, bills, and raise kids.

We all want to believe that if we're honest about how we feel and what we need and that we show our spouse in small non-threatening ways...kneeling at their feet, performing little services for them, and then hit them with it softly that they'll be receptive, but the reality is, that doesn't happen very often, only in rare cases. I hope you're one of the rare ones.

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RE: Help - how do I tell my wife of 25 years..... - 11/2/2007 9:06:15 AM

neloangelo1227

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I think there's a lot of great advice in this thread, even (or especially) blissfullywicked's cautionary tale. I think that you have to work really hard to try and gauge what your partner's reaction to an idea like D/s play might be. I think the biggest, most important thing you can have in mind while executing this is to not overwhelm your partner. Be excrutiatingly aware of the fact that, as normal as this seems to some people, the situation may shock or even offend your partner. It's tragic and silly, but it's true. The best way to do this, in my opinion, is slowly, gradually and patiently. I wish I could give you more specific help, but it really will be specific to your relationship. Just go slow, and be as patient as you possibly can. Try dropping progressively less subtle hints, or suggesting small kinks that won't be as shocking.

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RE: Help - how do I tell my wife of 25 years..... - 11/2/2007 9:52:43 AM

littleone35

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Like others start slow and see how she responds to it. If it is not a neg response i would try to do a little more service. Most women would love a man pampering them except subs. Then maybe when you are rubbing her feet or whatever you can sy you know i would really like to try and whatever it is you would like to try. Then maybe leave a book out where she will see in and you could suggest she read it. Best of luck.

Matt's littleone

< Message edited by littleone35 -- 11/2/2007 9:53:11 AM >

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RE: Help - how do I tell my wife of 25 years..... - 11/2/2007 1:54:45 PM

lateralist1

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I think the clue as to how she will react is in your exsisting relationship.
Who makes most of the decisions?
If you have always been submissive to her will then you already have a D/s relationship.
However as has already been stated be careful what you wish for.
I know lots of vanilla women who are far far more controling than I am.
So make sure it's not just a fantasy.
As for BDSM she will probably be shocked to the core and think your mad.
Do make sure you can stand the outcome. It might very well be divorce.

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RE: Help - how do I tell my wife of 25 years..... - 11/2/2007 2:31:18 PM

proudsub

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If you like to watch porn together, pick up a few bondage or femdomme videos and while watching them ask her if she might like to try some of what you see.

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RE: Help - how do I tell my wife of 25 years..... - 11/3/2007 6:38:16 AM

TheChauvinist

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

quote:

ORIGINAL: subwannabe00000

Help - how do I tell my wife of 25 years that I want to be dominated, preferably by her. any advice as to how to ease into this topic w/o completly blowing her mind?

You can always try reading and giving When Somone You Love is Kinky. It can definately give you a place to start the conversation.

I know this is rather subversive but you can start reading the book and leave it laying around for her to see and pick up. She'll undoubtedly ask you about it and that will get the ball rolling on talking things out. For something like this, the right way depends on the type of person your spouse is.

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RE: Help - how do I tell my wife of 25 years..... - 11/3/2007 7:28:57 AM

wisteriaV

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Hmm start by doing little things. Open doors for her, bring her flowers, call her from work and tell her you love her, leave little i love you notes where she can find them. Tell her you appreciate her strength within the relationship and how youve come to love her even more deeply for it..The best thing is run her a bath with her favorite bath salts ect or start her shower for her, rub her feet, offer to paint her toenails,...sorry am getting carried away with ideas...this should give you an idea though ..

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RE: Help - how do I tell my wife of 25 years..... - 11/4/2007 2:58:52 AM

Kalari

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I obviously do not know your wife, but I will say that a large percentage of women would be quite excited to hear that their husband wishes to be dominated. It might not be hardcore D/s at first, but start with something small like spanking or basic rope bondage, blindfolds, etc., and see where it goes. I think you're both in for a fantastic surprise.

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RE: Help - how do I tell my wife of 25 years..... - 11/4/2007 8:40:31 AM

lateralist1

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Sorry to disagree Kalari but I think that women in general do not like submissive men.
But of course that depends on your definition of submissive.

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RE: Help - how do I tell my wife of 25 years..... - 11/4/2007 11:17:16 AM

neloangelo1227

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Kalari, I think it'd be a blissful utopia of a world if you were completely right, but I believe lateralist1 has a point. I don't think it's necessarily about whether women in general like or dislike submissive guys, but instead about the conservative overtones that dominate most people's lifestyles, and the average person's unwillingness to deviate from those patterns.

I think it depends, in large part, on the existing relationship. If it's a kind of geeky, younger, new-agey couple who play DDR together and have a couple of friends that leave handcuffs hanging from their bedposts, I'd predict a much more positive response to the man asking his woman to tie him up and put clothespins on his nipples. Still, even in a situation like that, there's still a huge risk of a blatant approach being a turn-off. Doms need to be just as strong and brave as their subs, and sometimes, you may think you're asking, "tie me up and spank me," but your partner may be hearing, "Take control of me in a way that you didn't realize someone could want to happen, and indulge an inexplicable urge I have that some people consider a mental imbalance." It can just be shocking.

However, I definitely see where you were coming from. I think that if it's framed and approached in the right context and at the right pace, most women, once they get over the initial shock of being introduced to the reality of the lifestyle (even the beginning whisperings of it), will probably thoroughly enjoy the idea of having a man who'll literally get on his knees and worship her with the right motivation.

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