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julietsierra -> RE: Giving up things (11/3/2007 7:44:14 AM)
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quote:
Can one be a Sub if they have no intenting in trusting in the Dom to love, care for them, protecte them, seek the best form them or for them.
quote:
I'm not sure what kind of relationship is possible without trust. A very casual one at best. Beyond that, every submissive and Dominant may agree upon whatever qualities they wish to include in their relationship. I'm not aware of any list of required qualities, though love, caring and the like are relatively common.
I have a friend who has been married to the same man for more than 25 years. He is poly. She is mono. At varying times throughout their marriage, they have been equal in status, dominant and slave, top and bottom and a myriad of other things with each other as each of them - and their marriage has evolved.
One of the interesting things she's said is that she gave up using trust as a basis for anything years ago. She realized that he was going to be who he was and she was going to be who she was and that's the way it was. She gave me the example once of feeling betrayed and standing there, over and over again, beating up her husband saying "But I TRUSTED you!!!" when all of a sudden it occurred to her that he was simply telling her that, as it had always been, it was HER choice to stay or go - just as it was his. At this moment, she came to see that "trust" can also be used as a weapon and that relationships are tricky things. In the end though, regardless of whether she trusted him or not, she was going to have to decide for herself what she wanted. She opted to stay.
She will say that she does not trust the man in her life to be everything to her. She would say that she trusts in herself to make wise decisions to stay or go, and that rather than trust that he will or won't operate in a given and predictable fashion, she accepts the way he is - even when he's being ... less than predictable.
Throughout her marriage, she's had good times, bad times and times in which she could care less. In short, she's had a relationship - a deep, committed and long term relationship - and that at no time was there anything casual about it.
When she told me all this - at a time when I was having doubts about things involving trust - I came to see the wisdom of her words - FOR ME. Once I came to understand what she was trying to say, I was able to take a step back from the drama that was going on in my life and make solid decisions for myself. I opted to stay and recognize that my Master, this MAN in my life was human. I received the greatest gift from her when I was able to take him down from his pedestal and simply choose to submit to him - perceived flaws and all.When I stopped beating him up with "I trusted you!!" He was able to choose to be trustworthy. When I stopped having the expectation of specific behavior, he behaved in ways that I could be comfortable with.When I stopped telling him what I wanted from him, he started doing much more than I'd ever imagined. And I learned that his behavior was HIS decision - just as mine was mine. It was an important lesson in terms of our relationship.
From that point on, I am hesitant to say I actually "trust" him - even though, I can see that on some level, I do. The tact I've taken, taught to me by my friend, is to make decisions for myself that involve what *I* will do - not necessarily contingent on what *HE* will do. This decision has enabled me to be more sure of myself, and my committment to him. It has enabled me to work through things that other people may have walked away from. It has enabled me to love this man who owns me, not the storybook image portrayed in romance novels.
Not looking for protection, and all that has enabled me to take stock of myself and my surroundings to care for myself. His dominance can't be bought by my submission. Just as my submission can't be bought by his dominance. I submit to him because he's the best man I've ever known and regardless of his flaws, I am still my best when I am with him. I know he is capable of hurting me and that I'm capable of surviving. I know that I'm capable of much more than survival, even when he's done this. And ultimately, even without "trust" and "protection" and all that, I know I love him and he loves me. And on top of that, I get to submit to him, live my life according to his precepts and revel in the knowledge that I do this completely by my own decision. He can't "do" anything to make me stop or to make me continue to submit. I do because I choose this life for myself and I choose him to live it with - in the fashion we're both comfortable with.
Can I trust him to not leave me? Nope. Can I trust him to not find other people, or to give up people I don't like or get along with? Nope. Can I trust him to do anything the way I want him to do it? Absolutely not. Can I trust him to live his life according to how he sees fit and that I have a place in it until he tells me to go? Yes. Can I trust that knowing I have a place in his life means that I am the one who chooses what that place will be in terms of MY behavior? Oh yea... So, I'll be living my life according to how I see fit until I decide not to stay. Since my promise to him is that I will be here until he tells me to go, I'll be here. And I'll be submitting.
What makes this work is not that I have to give up everything while he gives up nothing. What makes this work is that both of us believe in this way of living and in this way of life. What makes this work is that we "fit." I'd say that if I felt I had to give up something, this relationship wouldn't be working since in my view, any relationship, vanilla or otherwise, should build each person up, not tear them down.
juliet
Edited over and over again due to those darn quotation issues, and spelling, and grammar, and more thoughts... and... and ... and...
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