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Pushy BDSM and D/s pepole. - 8/4/2005 7:46:14 AM

nella

Posts: 1243
Joined: 12/30/2004
From: Norway
Status: offline

i have run into a kind of a problem, and not being a werry socialy knowledgable person and a complete newbie in the BDSM comunity, i find i do not know how to respond, perhaps i can get some advice here.

i have several frinds over the internett, and often i do not write for a few weeks, or even a few months, perhaps we have nothing to say, perhaps i am depressed and just stay away from pepole, or are buisy. And i think this is ferly common, whit penpals and online frinds, you ahve alot of contact some times, but then have only a bit of contact.

But when i meet BDSM pepole, usualy Dominants, not my Dominant (Funny that my Dominant) but frinds, they ask me if it go a week whitout me respoding, ah i see you want to brake of cotact, or simply brakes contact of whit me. i am at a loss for what to do, i do not want to be rude, and i care dearly for my frinds, but at times, i simply have not the energy or time to write a mail and it can take a few weeks before i write again. Is it common for BDSM and D/s pepole to be that pushy?

Post #: 1

RE: Pushy BDSM and D/s pepole. - 8/4/2005 7:48:10 AM

Carameldomme

Posts: 65
Joined: 11/8/2004
Status: offline

That isn't pushy. It is reasonable that if you talk to someone every day, you wouldn't let months or weeks go by without saying a word.

(in reply to nella)

Post #: 2

RE: Pushy BDSM and D/s pepole. - 8/4/2005 7:53:45 AM

Kindred2Evil

Posts: 227
Joined: 4/16/2005
Status: offline

I don't think that that is pushy either. I know if I invest time in someone and they suddenly stop writing/calling/messaging I simply figure that they either lost interest or we have nothing else to say to each other and move on. If you have an idea that you're going to be offline or unavailable for awhile, it might be a good idea to let your online friends know this, simply drop them an email saying "I'm not going to be on for awhile, I'll contact you when I get back." That way they know what's going on and you don't lose a friendship over it.

_____________________________

Her touch is on the breeze that brushes your cheek, Her voice rides the thunder as the storm breaks, Her tears will clean your heartache when the rains come, Her sun will light the darkest times when you feel alone...She is the Goddess.

(in reply to Carameldomme)

Post #: 3

RE: Pushy BDSM and D/s pepole. - 8/4/2005 8:03:45 AM

Fidelity

Posts: 192
Joined: 8/1/2005
Status: offline

Lack of patience.

Sometimes people get busy with life and lose touch.

(in reply to Kindred2Evil)

Post #: 4

RE: Pushy BDSM and D/s pepole. - 8/4/2005 9:41:06 AM

nella

Posts: 1243
Joined: 12/30/2004
From: Norway
Status: offline

i usualy is not on posting mails every day, i have a life outside my computer. What i mean is when it go a week and i dont write anything and they yell up, oh you must not be interested in talking whit me anymore. i mean, it can often go aweak between the times i speak whit my real life frinds.

(in reply to Fidelity)

Post #: 5

RE: Pushy BDSM and D/s pepole. - 8/4/2005 9:51:21 AM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Whenever someone tries to change what you do on your own, it's being pushy. I can understand people being frustrated, but they need to accept you as it is.

For example, all of my energies right now are being focused on my boyfriend, who is leaving for grad school next week and won't be returning for 5 years. I let all of my other partners know this months ago that this would be increasing in priority over the summer and specifically for the past week have really been in very little communication with them.

They accepted what that meant and they accepted that I had everyones ultimate best interests in mind. They also know that after next week the boyfriend won't be here at ALL which will leave a huge void in my life and I will be counting on them to help me deal with a difficult situation.

However, if I didn't communicate those things to them, and didn't have a definite "plan of action" could I blame them for getting upset for being a bad friend? If you don't have time for friends or commitments, that's absolutely fine. But you should be up front about it rather than trying to scrape along. Friendship DOES take energy and time on everyone's part.

(in reply to nella)

Post #: 6

RE: Pushy BDSM and D/s pepole. - 8/4/2005 10:18:32 AM

nella

Posts: 1243
Joined: 12/30/2004
From: Norway
Status: offline

yes, i know frindship take energy, but do that means you need to talk to somone every day, H*** i dont even talk whit my mother every day.

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

Post #: 7

RE: Pushy BDSM and D/s pepole. - 8/4/2005 10:33:31 AM

SweetDommes

Posts: 3313
Joined: 10/5/2004
Status: offline

When you start talking to them do you make it clear that you are not online every day? Maybe when you start talking to them you need to be clear that while you enjoy your online friends and value their friendship that you just cannot always communicate regularly - and if you are going to be gone more than a week, let them know - a quick offline message or e-mail works if you don't have advance warning (mass e-mails are wonderful things - they take about 30 seconds and cover everyone you need to inform).

Personally, I have friends that I haven't talked to in months - but when they need me, or I need them, we are there for each other ... but we were pretty clear that real life happens and we are all bad about staying in touch (one of them I just found out was pregnant ... when she was 2 weeks from her due date - damn I need to talk to her more often).

(in reply to nella)

Post #: 8

RE: Pushy BDSM and D/s pepole. - 8/4/2005 10:48:58 AM

nella

Posts: 1243
Joined: 12/30/2004
From: Norway
Status: offline

i guess you are all right, i should infrom pepole, it just seamned strange to me that online frinds exept more atention than real life frinds, what are the world coming to, are we living our lives on the computer?

(in reply to SweetDommes)

Post #: 9

RE: Pushy BDSM and D/s pepole. - 8/4/2005 10:57:01 AM

SweetDommes

Posts: 3313
Joined: 10/5/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: nella

i guess you are all right, i should infrom pepole, it just seamned strange to me that online frinds exept more atention than real life frinds, what are the world coming to, are we living our lives on the computer?

It's not so much that (although that is probably part of it) - I have some friends that if I don't hear from them at least once a week I worry that something has happened, however, communication can come through e-mail, IM, a post on a message board that we are all on, or phone (we live too far away for face to face meetings very often). There are also some people who just expect more contact and if the computer is the only way of contact with someone, they expect to get something online from them regularly.

There are other situations as well (although not really applicable for you) - for example, I am instating a new rule with our potential boy who is coming to visit next weekend: we must hear from him every day, whether it's a phone call, an e-mail, or an IM, we have to hear from him at least once every day. And I know people who expect that from their friends (if they are close friends). We don't, but then again, as stated above, I'm really bad about keeping in touch LOL

(in reply to nella)

Post #: 10

RE: Pushy BDSM and D/s pepole. - 8/4/2005 10:59:22 AM

nella

Posts: 1243
Joined: 12/30/2004
From: Norway
Status: offline

i can understand it in a setting like that, whit your potntial boy. Another thing is just a frind one chat whit. like i said, i dont want to hurt anyone, and i hate it when pepole are angry at me, and i am at a bit of a loss aboute what to do.

(in reply to SweetDommes)

Post #: 11

RE: Pushy BDSM and D/s pepole. - 8/4/2005 11:02:41 AM

stormsfate

Posts: 849
Joined: 2/1/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: nella

yes, i know frindship take energy, but do that means you need to talk to somone every day, H*** i dont even talk whit my mother every day.

I'm with you, nella...lol. There are very few people that I could carry on daily conversations with. I'm rather antisocial in some ways, and can't imagine what friends who speak every single day for hours on end can possibly have to say to each other. Most people just aren't that interesting, and *I* am certainly not...lol. I do have a handful of friends I speak with regularly, but if someone needs so much of my attention that they get upset if I go a few days without speaking with them (I do have obligations to take care of), then its doubtful that they will get what they need from me along those lines and would probably be better off in finding someone else to hang out with.

An exception to this is anyone I am intimately involved with. I can talk to v for hours daily (and sometimes do) and never get tired of it. Then again...she *is* that interesting...lol.

best regards,
fate

*Edited to add that if your "friends" cannot accept you for the person you are, then they aren't very good friends in the first place. Perhaps if you explain to them that you also need your space and can't dance constant attendance, they will understand that it is nothing personal against them.

< Message edited by stormsfate -- 8/4/2005 11:04:27 AM >

(in reply to nella)

Post #: 12

RE: Pushy BDSM and D/s pepole. - 8/4/2005 11:41:40 AM

nella

Posts: 1243
Joined: 12/30/2004
From: Norway
Status: offline

i to can be a bit anisosial, at least in some periods, where it is just me, my Dom, my mother and my closest frinds, and my pets ofcourse, i deal whit, but i do try to keep in contact whit pepole, but often i fail, miserably.

(in reply to stormsfate)

Post #: 13

RE: Pushy BDSM and D/s pepole. - 8/4/2005 1:03:00 PM

perfection20005

Posts: 419
Joined: 4/20/2005
Status: offline

I don't think its only D/s that do this. Most people tend to think if you haven't had some kind of contact after a month or so that you don't want to talk with them. I have to admit that I do the same thing, just because I'm depressed and don't want to talk with anyone. But I don't blame them when they ask whats wrong, or do I still want to talk.

_____________________________

perfection

"I took one look at Him, and I knew He was my Master."

(in reply to nella)

Post #: 14

RE: Pushy BDSM and D/s pepole. - 8/4/2005 1:13:40 PM

pinkpleasures

Posts: 1114
Status: offline

nella, are you misspelling on purpose? it's a bit odd. anyway, i only get this pressure from men who are pursuing me as a potential subby...and i do not like it. Generally i break off communication with them. i cannot spend hours a day speaking to anyone...i have a life.

On the other hand, if i am offline a few days, when i return there are offline messages and emails from friends who are worried about me. i love it that people notice i'm gone. There is no pressure; they just want reassurance that i'm ok.

So i guess that's my story. If i were speaking to a friend every day and suddenly could not face speaking to anyone for awhile due to life or depression or whatever, i'd leave them a message that i was temporarially offline. That way they'd know it wasn't an issue between the two of us, and i'd be back asap.

pinkpleasures

< Message edited by pinkpleasures -- 8/4/2005 1:15:31 PM >

_____________________________

(in reply to perfection20005)

Post #: 15

RE: Pushy BDSM and D/s pepole. - 8/4/2005 1:19:27 PM

ShiftedJewel

Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline

quote:

i have several frinds over the internett, and often i do not write for a few weeks, or even a few months, perhaps we have nothing to say, perhaps i am depressed and just stay away from pepole, or are buisy. And i think this is ferly common, whit penpals and online frinds, you ahve alot of contact some times, but then have only a bit of contact.

quote:

That isn't pushy. It is reasonable that if you talk to someone every day, you wouldn't let months or weeks go by without saying a word.

Sorry, but I don't agree... Shit happens. I do the same thing, I'll go for two, three, sometimes a month without calling my sisters or other family or emailing friends and I don't think I've answered a snail mail letter in over a decade. YES, it is pushy for someone to assume that just because you've been busy, preoccupied, depressed, or just plain bored with the computer that you wish to end all contact with them. Like you, I have a life, a rather busy one at times, outside of the internet. That's just me, accept it or don't, no skin off my back.

Jewel

_____________________________

Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

(in reply to nella)

Post #: 16

RE: Pushy BDSM and D/s pepole. - 8/4/2005 2:06:35 PM

mossy

Posts: 189
Joined: 2/21/2005
Status: offline

Jewel Thank You For that i really need to hear some of the things You said. i have been having some real trouble with a friend that simply refuses to call. Yet berates me for my lack of responsiveness. It is not a bdsm friendship, no matter, but this whole weekend went by they said without a call and part of last week. They said i knew they were not going to be seeing their son this weekend and that makes them very lonely. What kind of friend was i not to call? i told them i was having some personal issues and it was not a good weekend for me. They said the least i could of done was given a quick call??

Am i missing something here?..Or when taking the body part count of two people....are there four arms...four hands...four legs,,,four ears...two heads.and two dialing fingers
...one on each person. Somehow as in nella's case and as in mine? It is made to appear that only "one person" has the Power to write or call. and if you don't,, you were the "bad friend". i definately am missing something here. The way i was brought up is the phone works both ways. So does the computer. If i am lonely i have a responsibility to reach out, and if i am worried about a friend? Or think a friendship is slipping away? i give a holler. (write or call) it really is not as complicated as all that:):) Who called last or who wrote last or more,,,or who does it the most???? In the grande scheme of Life and friendship? is it really that important?

< Message edited by mossy -- 8/4/2005 2:23:30 PM >

_____________________________

~~inner peace & mental clarity~~

(in reply to ShiftedJewel)

Post #: 17

RE: Pushy BDSM and D/s pepole. - 8/4/2005 2:36:55 PM

nella

Posts: 1243
Joined: 12/30/2004
From: Norway
Status: offline

pinkpleasures i am Norweegian, English is not my first luanguage, and i have some problems whit a slight reading and writing disability in adition. i am sorry but i am writing as good as i can.

mossy, i could not agree more, somtimes pepole need to call as well, and somtimes pepole just need to give you a week on your own.

Thanks all for all the wonderful advice, you are all werry kind.

(in reply to mossy)

Post #: 18

RE: Pushy BDSM and D/s pepole. - 8/4/2005 2:51:40 PM

MstrssPassion

Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline

Do not worry about spelling nella, some of us know to check a profile before jumping to conclusions & many of us even 'reed purfek typo'.

What has been said by more than one person is good advise. Let people know you are not online often. I am the same way but for different reasons than you described.

I am only able to sign on for a few minutes in the morning & maybe once in a while in the evening during the week. On weekends I am often doing things away from home & away from a computer. I do let people know that I have a very active life out in the world & sitting in front of my computer is not an every day thing.

Good luck with your friends.

MstrssPassion

(in reply to nella)

Post #: 19

RE: Pushy BDSM and D/s pepole. - 8/5/2005 2:09:18 AM

nella

Posts: 1243
Joined: 12/30/2004
From: Norway
Status: offline

Thanks MstrssPassion and all of you you are giving sound advice.

(in reply to MstrssPassion)

Post #: 20

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