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how to deal with feelings of abuse? - 11/6/2007 4:07:38 PM

buriedmirror

Posts: 3
Joined: 4/23/2007
Status: offline

Recently, I played with my Dominant. Usually, I am very turned on by physical play and we always have great sex afterwards. I love humiliation. I like face-slapping. I enjoy being called a whore, being told I'm earning our relationship by having sex with him. He's only with me because I give good head, etc etc.

I wholly enjoy being treated like shit. But yesterday, everything he did felt abusive and wrong. When he hit me, I felt like a battered woman who needed therapy. When he called me a whore and wouldn't let me look at him while he fucked me, I felt like I was invisible and worthless. All the stuff that usually had me dripping wet, made me feel very abused.

I've never had such a strong negative reaction to kink. I know none of those activities are 'limits' for me because I have enjoyed them in the past. I don't understand my reaction and I'm worried that I might react the same way in the future.

I don't know how to handle that overwhelming feeling of abuse and I don't know how to feel about my Dominant afterwards. I've requested some space and he's granted that.

I would like to know how others have/would deal with this situation?

Thank you.

Post #: 1

RE: how to deal with feelings of abuse? - 11/6/2007 4:10:28 PM

DarkDaddyZ

Posts: 805
Joined: 4/7/2006
Status: offline

Was everything that happened yesterday different than it was before?
If not, it could be you weren't in the mind frame to play like that and it is your responsibility to communicate that with your Dominant, as much as it is for him to check in with you regarding it.

The first step is while you are thinking about all of this is to let your Dom know how you feel and why you feel it. Granting space is a good step but I am sure he is as confused as you are (if it was similar to play prior).

Good luck!

Z-

_____________________________

"Flirting is part of the job description." DJ Jesus (Lucy Daughter Of The Devil)

Vanilla Official Music Page http://www.myspace.com/djzulu

(in reply to buriedmirror)

Post #: 2

RE: how to deal with feelings of abuse? - 11/6/2007 4:11:30 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

Not enough information to make an opinion. It depends on the relationship, how long you have been together, etc. I like the sorts of things you mentioned too, but if I feel "abused" it is usually because the person is not giving me aftercare, or the rest of the relationship is not fulfilling.

There is a fine line between abuse and just feeling out of sorts that day or any other number of things.

I am someone who can only be "abused" as in treated roughly, etc. if I completely trust and adore the person and know it is mutual.

Only you can judge your own situation for what it truly means in terms of the entire relationship, unless it is only about sex; then that is a whole other story.

(in reply to buriedmirror)

Post #: 3

RE: how to deal with feelings of abuse? - 11/6/2007 4:19:28 PM

buriedmirror

Posts: 3
Joined: 4/23/2007
Status: offline

I feel scared that he's going to hurt me. Even though rationally, I know he cares a lot about me. I feel stressed out by his presence. I was hoping someone would say that it just goes away with time.

(in reply to buriedmirror)

Post #: 4

RE: how to deal with feelings of abuse? - 11/6/2007 4:24:49 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

Again, if you feel scared by him, you need to communicate these feelings to him. No one can tell you that a feeling that YOU have will go away in time, that would be false advice.

(in reply to buriedmirror)

Post #: 5

RE: how to deal with feelings of abuse? - 11/6/2007 4:25:17 PM

charlotte12

Posts: 471
Joined: 5/9/2006
Status: offline

I have had the same problem, negative reactions to situations that sometimes have me dripping wet. Generally when i am able to step back i can recognize that i am not actually reacting to the situation but rather letting fears or past issues enter into the current situation. I think the best thing you can do is to talk to you Dominant about this and find a way to get reassurance that he does in fact care. Sometimes our minds or bodies just need to be reminded that we are safe.

_____________________________

Stephan's slaveling

"I'm not superior, I'm just more important." Master (Stephann)

"When you are your freest self, who are you?" Jack Rinella

(in reply to buriedmirror)

Post #: 6

RE: how to deal with feelings of abuse? - 11/6/2007 4:34:39 PM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: buriedmirror

Recently, I played with my Dominant. Usually, I am very turned on by physical play and we always have great sex afterwards. I love humiliation. I like face-slapping. I enjoy being called a whore, being told I'm earning our relationship by having sex with him. He's only with me because I give good head, etc etc.

I wholly enjoy being treated like shit. But yesterday, everything he did felt abusive and wrong. When he hit me, I felt like a battered woman who needed therapy. When he called me a whore and wouldn't let me look at him while he fucked me, I felt like I was invisible and worthless. All the stuff that usually had me dripping wet, made me feel very abused.

I've never had such a strong negative reaction to kink. I know none of those activities are 'limits' for me because I have enjoyed them in the past. I don't understand my reaction and I'm worried that I might react the same way in the future.

I don't know how to handle that overwhelming feeling of abuse and I don't know how to feel about my Dominant afterwards. I've requested some space and he's granted that.

I would like to know how others have/would deal with this situation?

Thank you.

I think that when things stopped being enjoyable within the scene you probably should have used your safe word.
My guess is that you were hoping that something would shift and the magic would turn on so you stuck it out.

So taking some time and then talking about what to do differently next time seems like a wise thing to do.
And if the same issues come up another time then maybe you might want to look and see what that 's
about as well.

If things do not seem right to you and you don't communicate that to your Dom then you are both missing out on a growth opportunity.

be well
aJ

(in reply to buriedmirror)

Post #: 7

RE: how to deal with feelings of abuse? - 11/6/2007 4:39:40 PM

batshalom

Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline

DDZ hit the nail on the head. You have not spoken to your Dom but it is your responsibility to do so. This is a serious issue and needs to be addressed, and he needs the information. He cannot lead you if he doesn't know where you are.

(in reply to angelikaJ)

Post #: 8

RE: how to deal with feelings of abuse? - 11/6/2007 6:00:48 PM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

Time away is going to only consolidate those walls of defense. For me, I need lots of physical affection and affirmation when things have gone wrong for no reason. Just hand holding, cuddling, hugging, wrapping together in a blanket watching tv, nonsexual affection.

Did it trigger a bad past memory? Otherwise, sometimes it's just a physical problem. Hormones can cause emotions to go haywire. And I also find that I'm less able to tolerate anything if I'm getting sick. So if tomorrow you start coughing and sneezing, then I'd put it down to that.

But are you overly stressed with other things in your life? Family problems, worries about upcoming holidays, job stress etc

(in reply to batshalom)

Post #: 9

RE: how to deal with feelings of abuse? - 11/6/2007 6:56:08 PM

shootingstar67

Posts: 195
Joined: 10/29/2007
Status: offline

Maybe you are picking up some bad vibes from him. Does he have any abuse in his childhood that might be causing him to have issues?

(in reply to Celeste43)

Post #: 10

RE: how to deal with feelings of abuse? - 11/6/2007 7:01:26 PM

wisteriaV

Posts: 438
Joined: 3/17/2005
Status: offline

Ask yourself if you have any unresolved issues from your past. When we least expect it, sometimes stuff we thought we had dealt with comes up and bites us in the butt at the oddest times and you can either reprocess those feelings and reactions or simple acknowledge them and let them go.

_____________________________

Every story has two sides , much like a coin and neither one is totally perfect.
If it doesn't float your boat, then don't get in the water~!

(in reply to shootingstar67)

Post #: 11

RE: how to deal with feelings of abuse? - 11/6/2007 7:15:27 PM

MissMagnolia

Posts: 3636
Status: offline

We can't possibly know what happened to you that day. Even a psychologist can't tell you without knowing some basic history and even THEN it would be a guess.

Whatever, you need to tell your D. He deserves to know, he deserves to be able to try to see what the problem could be and possibly avoid it in the future, he deserves to be a part of this part of you.

_____________________________

if at first you dont succeed..then skydiving isnt for you

Resident Whip Cracker AND Resident Orbs Of Joy.

(in reply to wisteriaV)

Post #: 12

RE: how to deal with feelings of abuse? - 11/6/2007 7:22:41 PM

Solipsistic

Posts: 50
Joined: 10/19/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43
For me, I need lots of physical affection and affirmation when things have gone wrong for no reason. Just hand holding, cuddling, hugging, wrapping together in a blanket watching tv, nonsexual affection.

I agree with Celeste. In my experience, when things like this happen with a sub, the solution is to tone down the kink for a while and re-establish the loving, caring part of the relationship. This is all contingent on whether that is the kind of relationship you have, of course. If you have a strictly play relationship, it may be a sign that you need something more.

I'm kind of surprised more subs haven't mentioned this is common for them, because it's certainly been common in my experience. I think people who can keep up a 24/7 play style are fairly rare. The rest of us need time off now and then = ]

(in reply to Celeste43)

Post #: 13

RE: how to deal with feelings of abuse? - 11/6/2007 8:58:50 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

While it probably would have been best for you to interrupt the scene as it was happening and express your headspace then, it's understandable why you wouldn't.

Which means NOW is the time to talk about it together. It's a myth that all scenes are always perfect and wonderful. It may have just been a bad day. It may be something else. The key it to work it through TOGETHER.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Solipsistic)

Post #: 14

RE: how to deal with feelings of abuse? - 11/6/2007 9:20:23 PM

stormgirl

Posts: 294
Joined: 1/17/2007
From: tennessee
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: buriedmirror

I feel scared that he's going to hurt me. Even though rationally, I know he cares a lot about me. I feel stressed out by his presence. I was hoping someone would say that it just goes away with time.

If all this is new enough that you think it might go away with time, then i would take a Big step back.

trust your feelings, not your rationality. your feelings are telling you something.

maybe this Dominant is not right for you. Maybe you like being treated that way because of something inside you, and that something inside you is changing.

when you feel bad, stop (Stop!) whatever you are doing and let yourself feel - see if you can connect the feeling with what is going on right then.

trust yourself.

_____________________________

pride and elan

If you start your day with a fresh cup of crazy and some arrogance on the side, good job!
indecent yet sorta cool

(in reply to buriedmirror)

Post #: 15

RE: how to deal with feelings of abuse? - 11/8/2007 11:42:23 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

The bottom line is to talk with your Dom about it. Dont try to read a bunch of crap into it.

(in reply to stormgirl)

Post #: 16

RE: how to deal with feelings of abuse? - 11/8/2007 11:56:20 AM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

As others have said, you need to talk with your dominant about what is going on. Also, it would be beneficial to figure out what thoughts you are having that are driving or feeding the fear and the feelings of abuse.

Yes, I have had a bad play experience and to the point of wondering if I wanted to play again. When I figured out the thoughts that were in my head it was just my own fear and negative thoughts that made it a bad experience. I wasn't in the right head space for play and the thoughts that I was having kept me from getting into the right headspace.

For me, the play was not the problem; it was my own negative thinking that created the problem. Since you have enjoyed these activities in the past; I suggest looking at your own thoughts that you were/are having to determine why you did not enjoy it this time.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to buriedmirror)

Post #: 17

RE: how to deal with feelings of abuse? - 11/8/2007 12:10:43 PM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: buriedmirror

Recently, I played with my Dominant. Usually, I am very turned on by physical play and we always have great sex afterwards. I love humiliation. I like face-slapping. I enjoy being called a whore, being told I'm earning our relationship by having sex with him. He's only with me because I give good head, etc etc.

I wholly enjoy being treated like shit. But yesterday, everything he did felt abusive and wrong. When he hit me, I felt like a battered woman who needed therapy. When he called me a whore and wouldn't let me look at him while he fucked me, I felt like I was invisible and worthless. All the stuff that usually had me dripping wet, made me feel very abused.

I've never had such a strong negative reaction to kink. I know none of those activities are 'limits' for me because I have enjoyed them in the past. I don't understand my reaction and I'm worried that I might react the same way in the future.

I don't know how to handle that overwhelming feeling of abuse and I don't know how to feel about my Dominant afterwards. I've requested some space and he's granted that.

I would like to know how others have/would deal with this situation?

Thank you.

It's ironic that some of the same things spoken of here by you and some of the advice you've been given could have come from the thread on how to screw up a D/s relationship.

You cannot help how you react to a certain situation but if the situation feels different than what it usually does and that feeling does not go away, then it is your job to safeword out. If your dominant is checking in and you are telling him it is fine, then...as noted on here by many in previous threads...he has the word of his trusted partner to go by and since he cannot read minds, he thought it was all O.K.. Now before you think I am blaming you, I am not. As I said, you had no control over the fact that actions that normally make you feel good did not...but you have to communicate that to him. And I find it a bit disturbing that you asked him for space but did not tell him why. So now, he is sitting there confused as to what is going on. Where is the communication of "I had a problem with our play today, Sir. I need some space to process it and then come back to you and tell you what was going on and see what we need to do"?

It might go away...might...but the chance of that is at least as small as the chance that it has not already created a problem. And it has...look at your statement of being uncomfortable in his presence and your sudden fear of his deliberately hurting you.

In my world, D/s is a dynamic that requires communication and honesty through all times...not just the good...to make it grow and work.

(in reply to buriedmirror)

Post #: 18

RE: how to deal with feelings of abuse? - 11/8/2007 3:31:40 PM

Maya2001

Posts: 1656
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
Status: offline

Has anything changed in your relationship with your dom. that is causing you to lose trust in him? if so that should be dealt with before continuing any more play

_____________________________

Lead me not into temptation - I can find the way myself

(in reply to CreativeDominant)

Post #: 19

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