reconnecting with slavery

reconnecting with slavery (Full Version)

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blueyedslave -> reconnecting with slavery (11/6/2007 4:13:00 PM)
After a heated argument that lasted a few days with my Mistress I was left feeling completly nonsubmissive. The argument was neither of our faults as we were both very stressed out. We have since talked and worked things out and everything is back to normal execpt for the lack of submission I feel. I was wonder if anyone else has gone through anything like this and if so what did you do to overcome it? Or has any Master or Mistress had a slave that this has happened to? I thank you in advance for any help and or suggestions.

batshalom -> RE: reconnecting with slavery (11/6/2007 4:42:34 PM)
I'm sure we all go through it. When the dynamic is good it's easy to surrender. When things are more difficult, dig down and act out old habits. It's normal to feel less submissive after an upset (especially after being under stress, as you said you had been) so just go through the motions, notice your Mistress's pleasure in seeing your submit, and let the energy flow back on its own. No biggie.

NovaDragon -> RE: reconnecting with slavery (11/6/2007 4:57:48 PM)
My first question is: does your Mistress know you are feeling un-submissive? If she doesn't know you are struggling with your submission, she can't help you overcome it. Is there maybe something she can do to restore the (im)balance of power in your relationship? Are there things she has done in the past to remind you of your place? Perhaps she can escalate those kinds of actions temporarily until you are more comfortable in your role again.

softpjOS -> RE: reconnecting with slavery (11/6/2007 7:36:43 PM)
Perhaps it's not "all worked out" afterall? Is it possible you're feeling bad about how you handled it, how you reacted or expressed yourself? Maybe deep down inside you feel She should have handled it differently? When I've found myself in a similar mindset, I've taken a set back and reassessed what happened. Usually I find it's my own feelings of being out of place/"role" and I need Her to forgive me. Even if She feels i was justified in my reaction, I still feel wrong and need to talk it out more and know She forgives me..which is actually me having to forgive myself. If that makes any sense at all. At any rate, yes definately talk to Her more, tell Her how you are feeling and let Her help you through it :) pj

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: reconnecting with slavery (11/6/2007 9:01:17 PM)
If your submission is tied to your sense of security, it would make sense for it to take time to come back. Also remember that it doesn't matter what you feel, it matters what commitment you hold to.

shootingstar67 -> RE: reconnecting with slavery (11/7/2007 1:07:57 AM)
Don't worry about it. You sort of snapped out of your submission and entered a phase. Phases are healthy. They give you balance. Don't worry about it. It will come back.

MissDeeCole -> RE: reconnecting with slavery (11/7/2007 1:13:37 AM)
[:@]

Switchblayde -> RE: reconnecting with slavery (11/7/2007 2:05:21 AM)
She shouldn't have lost control, it was a weakness in her that you shouldn't have been exposed to. If you hold someone in high esteem, put them on a pedestal and in the course of an argument, the dynamic changes, you have to regain the original dynamic. You argued as equals and it altered the dynamics of the relationship. quote: ORIGINAL: blueyedslave After a heated argument that lasted a few days with my Mistress I was left feeling completly nonsubmissive. The argument was neither of our faults as we were both very stressed out. We have since talked and worked things out and everything is back to normal execpt for the lack of submission I feel. I was wonder if anyone else has gone through anything like this and if so what did you do to overcome it? Or has any Master or Mistress had a slave that this has happened to? I thank you in advance for any help and or suggestions.

batshalom -> RE: reconnecting with slavery (11/7/2007 3:41:20 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Switchblayde She shouldn't have lost control, it was a weakness in her that you shouldn't have been exposed to. If you hold someone in high esteem, put them on a pedestal and in the course of an argument, the dynamic changes, you have to regain the original dynamic. You argued as equals and it altered the dynamics of the relationship. If this works for you, I applaud you; however, I've been doing this for ... mm ... ~smiling~ ... awhile ... and have not seen anyone able to keep up the 24/7 D/s M/s guise. Life happens, we expect peaks and valleys because this stuff isn't Castle Realm - it's just living. We get up, go to work, pay bills, have hormone issues, grow older, get sick, and we get into arguments. It doesn't mean the Master or Mistress is less than before, it means he or she is breathing.

Switchblayde -> RE: reconnecting with slavery (11/7/2007 5:13:18 AM)
I didn't mean it to sound so cold and calculating. I was speaking from the experience of getting it wrong myself. You have to work to regain the dynamic and the onus, for the most part, is on the Mistress since her sub will look to her for guidance. quote: ORIGINAL: batshalom quote: ORIGINAL: Switchblayde She shouldn't have lost control, it was a weakness in her that you shouldn't have been exposed to. If you hold someone in high esteem, put them on a pedestal and in the course of an argument, the dynamic changes, you have to regain the original dynamic. You argued as equals and it altered the dynamics of the relationship. If this works for you, I applaud you; however, I've been doing this for ... mm ... ~smiling~ ... awhile ... and have not seen anyone able to keep up the 24/7 D/s M/s guise. Life happens, we expect peaks and valleys because this stuff isn't Castle Realm - it's just living. We get up, go to work, pay bills, have hormone issues, grow older, get sick, and we get into arguments. It doesn't mean the Master or Mistress is less than before, it means he or she is breathing.

batshalom -> RE: reconnecting with slavery (11/7/2007 5:31:21 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Switchblayde I didn't mean it to sound so cold and calculating. I was speaking from the experience of getting it wrong myself. You have to work to regain the dynamic and the onus, for the most part, is on the Mistress since her sub will look to her for guidance. I see what you're saying, but taking responsibility off the sub isn't effective. Teaching a sub to be less responsible for herself, to the M-type, and to the dynamic in general, is a sure way to kill a relationship. Should the M-type lose control? Nah, but it happens. Should the s-type? Nah, but it happens. To lay full responsbility on the D or M is unrealistic - people err, sometimes people trigger and act opposite of their typical role or personality. Hopefully, the s-type is mature and stable and can be the strong stable one for that period of time instead of causing more drama. But that happens too, eh?

bipolarber -> RE: reconnecting with slavery (11/7/2007 6:12:31 AM)
Sounds like the two of you had a heck of a row! Don't worry about the "un-sub" feelings you've got right now. That's just residual from the fight. (I've been in the same place myself, several times.) Part of what always made me rather hesitant about giving myself back to the relationship like that is knowing that my partner is honestly over it, and won't be using their position of power to "exact revenge" for the argument. In one particular case, the Domme I was with at the time actually made my "re-submission" a formal ritual: she had me, in something of an "interrogation scene" (on my knees, under a spotlight in a darkened room) answer all her questions, about "Who did I belong to?" "What was my reason to be there?" and so on. There were some well spaced hits from a leather slapper when I was a bit slow witht he expected answer. There were also "rewards" for passionate, correct answers. This "mantra" went on for most of the evening, and served the purpose of getting my head back into the space of belonging to her. (I don't reccommend this to anyone, but it really seems to have worked for us.)

thetammyjo -> RE: reconnecting with slavery (11/7/2007 6:26:23 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: blueyedslave After a heated argument that lasted a few days with my Mistress I was left feeling completly nonsubmissive. The argument was neither of our faults as we were both very stressed out. We have since talked and worked things out and everything is back to normal execpt for the lack of submission I feel. I was wonder if anyone else has gone through anything like this and if so what did you do to overcome it? Or has any Master or Mistress had a slave that this has happened to? I thank you in advance for any help and or suggestions. Well, one thing to keep in mind is that being a slave is not the same as feeling submissive. You can do your duties as a slave, you can serve, without feeling any particular way. So one way for you to get back to it is simply to start doing the duties and behaviors/rituals that are expected. That goes both ways here. The dominant must also fulfill their end of the bargain. I used to do this really dumb thing where when I was pissed I'd not give Fox my bags, backpack, whatever to carry. I was denying him one of his duties and frankly it just made things worse because it created a greater distance between us. I've learned that no matter what I feel I have to keep up my end of our dynamic. We can talk about our feelings but we can't stop the behavior or it simply feeds the negative feelings.

Switchblayde -> RE: reconnecting with slavery (11/7/2007 6:46:40 AM)
I'm not talking about taking full responsibility off the sub since both parties are equally responsible. In terms of the dynamic itself, the sub will look for guidance from the Mistress and its her responsibility to provide it. This does not negate the responsibility of the sub, yet it is the Mistress, as defined by her role who has to lead and show no weakness in order to regain control and respect. Without that, the submissive will find it hard to 'reconnect with slavery' The relationship will survive anyway once the argument has been resolved....the M/s dynamic has to be regained. quote: ORIGINAL: batshalom quote: ORIGINAL: Switchblayde I didn't mean it to sound so cold and calculating. I was speaking from the experience of getting it wrong myself. You have to work to regain the dynamic and the onus, for the most part, is on the Mistress since her sub will look to her for guidance. I see what you're saying, but taking responsibility off the sub isn't effective. Teaching a sub to be less responsible for herself, to the M-type, and to the dynamic in general, is a sure way to kill a relationship. Should the M-type lose control? Nah, but it happens. Should the s-type? Nah, but it happens. To lay full responsbility on the D or M is unrealistic - people err, sometimes people trigger and act opposite of their typical role or personality. Hopefully, the s-type is mature and stable and can be the strong stable one for that period of time instead of causing more drama. But that happens too, eh?

Celeste43 -> RE: reconnecting with slavery (11/7/2007 6:52:05 AM)
For me, I need a lot of physical affection; hugging, cuddling, stroking my hair, to begin to relax and drop my walls. I don't feel safe if I'm not being touched.

toservez -> RE: reconnecting with slavery (11/7/2007 8:30:45 AM)
Things happen and we are human beings and I would never want perfection as a judgment on me so I will never expect perfection from my Master. This life and the world around us combined with human behavior will at times always joust us out of how we feel. I do not care who or if anyone was at fault or if the dominant did not handle it the best way for the relationship if it is a random event. Obviously if this happens frequently then my answer and I am guessing most others would be quite different. To me this has happen to me many times, not the big fight but getting out of power exchange sync. If I was the OP a simple communicating this to your dominant and see what can be done. I do think that a little leadership on her part would have been nice in this area but again not something to make a big deal out of it. It is not about not feeling submissive 24/7/365 means failure or some problem but as LA Wrote it is the commitment toward living the life you two agreed to. Sometimes this just requires effort when not feeling it.

Rover -> RE: reconnecting with slavery (11/7/2007 8:36:28 AM)
This is yet another example of how a daily ritual can be of value. Something that evokes and reinforces the power exchange dynamic. Though I would not expect miracles, as sometimes it takes a while to simply get over things. John

Shawn1066 -> RE: reconnecting with slavery (11/7/2007 10:36:25 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: bipolarber Sounds like the two of you had a heck of a row! Don't worry about the "un-sub" feelings you've got right now. That's just residual from the fight. (I've been in the same place myself, several times.) Part of what always made me rather hesitant about giving myself back to the relationship like that is knowing that my partner is honestly over it, and won't be using their position of power to "exact revenge" for the argument. In one particular case, the Domme I was with at the time actually made my "re-submission" a formal ritual: she had me, in something of an "interrogation scene" (on my knees, under a spotlight in a darkened room) answer all her questions, about "Who did I belong to?" "What was my reason to be there?" and so on. There were some well spaced hits from a leather slapper when I was a bit slow witht he expected answer. There were also "rewards" for passionate, correct answers. This "mantra" went on for most of the evening, and served the purpose of getting my head back into the space of belonging to her. (I don't reccommend this to anyone, but it really seems to have worked for us.) Make-up Submission, eh? That is certainly interesting.

Prinsexx -> RE: reconnecting with slavery (11/7/2007 10:39:53 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: blueyedslave After a heated argument that lasted a few days with my Mistress I was left feeling completly nonsubmissive. The argument was neither of our faults as we were both very stressed out. We have since talked and worked things out and everything is back to normal execpt for the lack of submission I feel. I was wonder if anyone else has gone through anything like this and if so what did you do to overcome it? Or has any Master or Mistress had a slave that this has happened to? I thank you in advance for any help and or suggestions. It really sounds like outside stress. I think if stress has pushed you down as it were you will want to raise up in intimacy. I like to think that libido (life energy) has a balance.

MystressDream -> RE: reconnecting with slavery (11/7/2007 10:41:45 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Rover This is yet another example of how a daily ritual can be of value. Something that evokes and reinforces the power exchange dynamic. Though I would not expect miracles, as sometimes it takes a while to simply get over things. John Please share some examples of those daily rituals used for reconnection? I am sincerely interested in hearing what others do.

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