RE: Taking Charge of a Submissive

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MrSpectacular -> RE: Taking Charge of a Submissive (11/7/2007 8:20:02 PM)
OP - to continue your military analogy - yes in the barracks the troops will obey meaningless commands - in real combat on a true leader will get the troops to follow. That is a little like it is here. Except the fakes and wannabe's get weeded out by discerning questions via email! The true doms don't need to bark orders by their actions they define themselves.

RRafe -> RE: Taking Charge of a Submissive (11/7/2007 8:29:43 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Blaakmaan Yeah, I know. The military is clearer (and less risky)! Ask her to do something like what? Come to attention and salute? Give me a specific, if you can. By the way, this is a long-distance relationship, at least for now... book an airline ticket and a hotel room,for starters.

slavegirljoy -> RE: Taking Charge of a Submissive (11/7/2007 8:31:10 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Blaakmaan When an officer takes command of troops, he starts giving orders to move the troops towards an objective, whether that's attacking the enemy or cleaning the barracks. The officer gives orders, the troops obey, and the officer has taken command. First of all, an officer doesn't "take" command of troops. He is "given" command of them by a higher authority. Soldiers don't obey that officer's orders. They obey the lawful orders of the person who is appointed to command them. It makes no difference who that person is. The Army has a chain of command and every one in a position of command answers to someone else in a higher command. Even the Commander in Chief, doesn't "take" command. He is given command when he is elected by the country. quote: When a Dominant finds a submissive he wants (and who hopefully wants him), how does he take charge of the submissive? What should he do? What actions should he take to receive her submission? In a personal relationship, the person doing the submitting must have a desire to submit to the person doing the dominating. Without that desire being present, you can try to dominate all you want and it will not likely get you very far, no matter what you do. All the ability and all the commanding nature of a Dominant cannot suffice to overcome a lack of desire by the submissive to be dominated and, for a Dominant to try to do so, will likely leave him in the position of the soldier who reported: “Captain, I have a prisoner." "Bring him along,” said the captain. "I would, but he will not let me.” That being said, as long as the submissive is ready, willing, able, and wanting to submit to you, then you can simply tell her what to do and she should respond obediently. If you tell her to sit, she should sit. If you tell her to get on her knees, she should get on her knees. If she doesn't, you might want to go back to square one and talk with her to find out if she really does have the desire to submit to you. slave joy Owned property of Master David

Blaakmaan -> RE: Taking Charge of a Submissive (11/7/2007 8:53:01 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: slaverosebeauty quote: ORIGINAL: Blaakmaan When a Dominant finds a submissive he wants (and who hopefully wants him), how does he take charge of the submissive? He communicates with her, he finds out if the attraction is mutual, and they build a relationship based on compatability and trust, etc. As for 'taking charge' thats a relative term. It depends on the level of submission that will be there, how far they are from each other, etc. quote: What should he do? What actions should he take to receive her submission? Be himself, be kind, he honest and open, show he is worthy of her trust and devotion, communicate; do NOT play games. The same things he would do in a vanilla relationship. Hmmmmmmmm... Is it the same thing one would do in a vanilla relationship at that point, or is it different somehow?

DarkDaddyZ -> RE: Taking Charge of a Submissive (11/7/2007 10:21:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: slavegirljoy quote: ORIGINAL: Blaakmaan When an officer takes command of troops, he starts giving orders to move the troops towards an objective, whether that's attacking the enemy or cleaning the barracks. The officer gives orders, the troops obey, and the officer has taken command. First of all, an officer doesn't "take" command of troops. He is "given" command of them by a higher authority. Soldiers don't obey that officer's orders. They obey the lawful orders of the person who is appointed to command them. It makes no difference who that person is. The Army has a chain of command and every one in a position of command answers to someone else in a higher command. Even the Commander in Chief, doesn't "take" command. He is given command when he is elected by the country. quote: When a Dominant finds a submissive he wants (and who hopefully wants him), how does he take charge of the submissive? What should he do? What actions should he take to receive her submission? In a personal relationship, the person doing the submitting must have a desire to submit to the person doing the dominating. Without that desire being present, you can try to dominate all you want and it will not likely get you very far, no matter what you do. All the ability and all the commanding nature of a Dominant cannot suffice to overcome a lack of desire by the submissive to be dominated and, for a Dominant to try to do so, will likely leave him in the position of the soldier who reported: “Captain, I have a prisoner." "Bring him along,” said the captain. "I would, but he will not let me.” That being said, as long as the submissive is ready, willing, able, and wanting to submit to you, then you can simply tell her what to do and she should respond obediently. If you tell her to sit, she should sit. If you tell her to get on her knees, she should get on her knees. If she doesn't, you might want to go back to square one and talk with her to find out if she really does have the desire to submit to you. slave joy Owned property of Master David Though I am not a submissive, I like what slavegirljoy states here. Being a ex military man and military brat, I know there were times that I was given orders that I didn't like (the same for my father) but because I took I lawful oath and it was a lawful order I did it. In Power exchange this can be true as well, there may be a "command" we give our slaves/subs that they may not like but because they are submitting and they believe it's "lawful" they do it. But the key is they are submitting to the person. Usually (excluding MOST online relationships) when it gets to the power exchange or Master/slave level, there has been a trust build and a true desire to submit as there is a true desire to lead. Oh and sometimes even with that, there are times that a Dom may say "On your knees and suck my cock, bitch" and the submissive eagerly follows. [:)] Z-

MystressDream -> RE: Taking Charge of a Submissive (11/7/2007 10:46:23 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Blaakmaan Greetings, Submissives: Proceeding on the theory that the only stupid question is the one that isn't asked, here's my stupid question: When an officer takes command of troops, he starts giving orders to move the troops towards an objective, whether that's attacking the enemy or cleaning the barracks. The officer gives orders, the troops obey, and the officer has taken command. When a Dominant finds a submissive he wants (and who hopefully wants him), how does he take charge of the submissive? What should he do? What actions should he take to receive her submission? Dominants are, of course, welcome to reply. Thanks to all. This woman you are interested in.... you don't even know if the interest is mutual yet? My advice would be to back off from being "Super Dom" and just approach her with manners and mutual respect and TALK to her. As the others have said.... get to know each other and see if there is any mutual interest. Don't rush in trying to "dom" her before you know her or she knows you.

Cyntilating -> RE: Taking Charge of a Submissive (11/8/2007 4:06:19 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Blaakmaan Yeah, I know. The military is clearer (and less risky)! Ask her to do something like what? Come to attention and salute? Give me a specific, if you can. By the way, this is a long-distance relationship, at least for now... even in the military situation> there are things you did that created those you were in charge of to respect your command. You had, and showed, confidence in yourself and your own ability to lead. They followed you because they felt your authority. A "title or # of stars on your jacket" might get you a salute automatically...but the trust and respect is something you create with your own actions and decisions. do you demand respect or do you command respect? ( rhetorical question) I can be in the same room as Master with his hand gripping my hair for emphasis OR I can be on the phone with him, miles away....> and him saying " listen to me" will sound just as powerful and meaningful. 3 words that FEEL like dozens.. It doesn't take dozens of words tho' ..just those. I know what is behind that command and HE knows what it evokes in me.

Celeste43 -> RE: Taking Charge of a Submissive (11/8/2007 6:15:35 AM)
One of the first things he did while we were chatting, was when I remembered I hadn't put out the garbage at the end of the driveway. I said I was going to put on my shoes and run it down, still in my nightgown and robe. He demanded I put a coat over to hide the nightgown and that I sign back on afterwards so he knew I hadn't been mugged, or run over by a deer. He did the same one midnight when I realized that if I took my daughter's show stuff to the barn right then I could drive it straight up, but if I waited for the next day I would have to carry it up the hill. I put on clothes, drove it up, and then signed back on to say I was home safe. By making his first requests be about my safety I learned early that he was someone who would take care of me, who would not use me up and go on to the next. And that's important to me.

lateralist1 -> RE: Taking Charge of a Submissive (11/8/2007 8:37:27 AM)
I think you need to find out what being a Dom means to you. Lots of good advice here if you are interested in TPE. However if your a new Dom or top which you obviously are then you may very well not be ready or interested in TPE. Now the sub that you are talking to may not even know what TPE means. If she is expereienced she can help you find out what you are interested in. If your both newbies and you both want to enough then you can learn together. I met a sub once who spent a few hours with me and then said you want TPE. I said what's that lol. I had no idea people played at this but they do. Ok I know I was naive. There are also some women who will enjoy taking you for a ride.So watch yourself.

MasterSohun -> RE: Taking Charge of a Submissive (11/8/2007 11:30:13 AM)
to this i agree with irish mist discover what you both need in the Dom -sub relationship,that entails asking questions,when you have anwsers tell her to do something-exmple if she is a humiliation slave tel her to go shopping and dress provocatively,and no underwear.tell her she must do this and report on the effort or go with her,drop soething annd make her pick it up bending slow,does she show something?if she is a pain slave warm her up and spank or flogg her judge your result and so forth!

sublizzie -> RE: Taking Charge of a Submissive (11/8/2007 12:05:41 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MrSpectacular OP - to continue your military analogy - yes in the barracks the troops will obey meaningless commands - in real combat on a true leader will get the troops to follow. That is a little like it is here. Except the fakes and wannabe's get weeded out by discerning questions via email! The true doms don't need to bark orders by their actions they define themselves. In a combat situation a "leader" who is not liked will likely end up as cannon-fodder. IOW there are ways of weeding out the ones who don't get it. Just my thoughts............

KindLadyGrey -> RE: Taking Charge of a Submissive (11/8/2007 12:26:33 PM)
Many submissives don't require a Dominant to do anything at all. After all, it is not the "job" of the Dominant to serve the submissive. When I'm playing on the sub side I just look for clues about things that would please my Dom/me and then do them whether I am asked to or not. Obviously, if a request is made of me I fulfill it with all due speed and respect. I suppose there are some submissives who are more feisty and oppositional who like to be carefully controlled, but many are happy just to be in the presence of the Dom/me they love and respect. That said, here are some low key things I have done or had done to me to assert some sort of dominance in the beginning of a relationship: - Tell a sub what to wear to please you on the first date - this is one of my personal favorites. (I like my boys to come commando. . .it's sexy, especially if I get their pants off later!) - At dinner, order for the sub (subtly insert queries about food restrictions and allergies into conversations before the date) - Give the sub a simple task to complete for you before the date. This can be as simple as "I'm out of Skippy Peanutbutter. Stop by the grocery store and bring me some." - Give the sub a homework assignment to complete that forces them to think of you. For instance, you could tell your sub to come up with three fantasies to share with you over dinner. This has the added bonus of providing dinner conversation. - If you have moved beyond vanilla meetings and are ready to play, one of my favorite ways to "take posession" of a sub is to do a body inspection. This is not meant to be punitive or in any way upsetting, but keep in mind that some subs may find it a little humiliating at first. My favorite position for this is standing with hands behind head because it exposes the whole body which I can then touch, tickle, slap, tease, and tantalize. You should keep up a running commentary about your sub's body, but all things should be positive and in no way derogatory ("You have the cutest ass, I can't wait to spank it!" or "Your hair smells like vanilla" and so on.) Really you can say or do anything to remind the sub that you are acquainting yourself with the body that now belongs to you. This has the very important bonus of also actually acquainting yourself with your sub's body. You can ask the sub to tell you stories about scars, or simply take note of the places you touch that give the sub goosbumps. I like seeking out ticklish spots! So there are a few fun and low key starting points for new dominants. Have fun with each other :)

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Taking Charge of a Submissive (11/8/2007 4:10:45 PM)
Mini rant in general quote: ORIGINAL: KindLadyGrey - Tell a sub what to wear to please you on the first date - this is one of my personal favorites. (I like my boys to come commando. . .it's sexy, especially if I get their pants off later!) I wish someone would explain to me why the scene community refuses to understand the conflict of saying THIS is perfectly great and encouraged, but telling someone "when you come to the restaurant, buy me flowers as a tribute" is like the most horrific thing ever?

shootingstar67 -> RE: Taking Charge of a Submissive (11/9/2007 2:16:05 AM)
I don't think you should take charge right away, unless it just happens. Worry more about getting to know her then power exchange. Some lifestyle Goreans believe that in order to Master a girl, you must know her better then she knows herself. I do believe this is true. You can fall into roles that are mutually enjoyable but a more complete level of control takes knowledge. I am not suggesting you seek to Master her but rushing the Dom thing sometimes just leads to shallow interactions. It is ok to wait.

arayofsunshine55 -> RE: Taking Charge of a Submissive (11/9/2007 7:41:28 AM)
To me this is much less like commanding troops, assuming your description is accurate, and more like starting to lead a new team at work. You, the general you that is, get to know each person. Their skills. Their desires. Their experiences. Set goals together. Make sure you're on the same page. You agree what needs to happen next. Now that was a formal description. But it cames down to getting to know each other, feeling each other out, understanding respective styles, and putting one foot in front of the other. For me of course.

Stephann -> RE: Taking Charge of a Submissive (11/10/2007 3:28:35 PM)
Hi Blaak, The flak aside, your question is one that usually does get run roughshod over. "How does a dominant dominate?" What most others have told you is true; much of it derives from your character. Yet, one could say the same about a lifestyle buddhist; it's just not that simple. In my day to day interactions, I don't think to myself "what would a dominant do?" Rather, it shows through an approach to life I take, in trying to determine "What needs to be done?" In the military, this is also how commanders lead; they don't think "how will I motivate troops?" They think "what needs to be done, and what resources and manpower do I have to accomplish the goal?" This is where your military analogy falls short; there are clear objectives in war, yet a relationship is not war (even if it feels like it sometimes.) The objectives in a relationship are often mutual fulfillment, enjoyment, and growth. I spend a great deal of effort and time ensuring (vice simply hoping) that all three of these objectives are met for both myself, and those I am involved with. None of this is helpful to you though. Figure out what you enjoy doing. Find someone who enjoys doing those things too. Then take that person, and do them. You'll find long distance relationships probably won't give you much opportunity to do the things you enjoy; domination via email and messenger is, sadly, a pale imitation of what you'll have in reality. Focus on what you two would enjoy doing when you meet, and I think you'll find yourself in a much better headspace. Good luck, Stephan

DMFParadox -> RE: Taking Charge of a Submissive (11/10/2007 4:32:06 PM)
How does a dominant dominate.... Dude. Be honest. What you're really asking is, "How do I talk to a girl (especially a submissive one)?" Hey sexrobotninjakitten, how's your Saturday treating you? (Familiar question. Start with familiar. Same breath/PM:) Hope it was as good as mine. (Say waaaat? What's so good about your day, Mr. Sir? Leave bait.) Three directions from here: 1) you actually had something interesting happen today. Tell the story. Leave bait; and after you're done, ask something like, "I feel x about all this... you know? What do you think?" Then ask her if she's had anything with x quality like that happen to her. 2) not a damned thing happened today. So spin that. "It's been quiet--I'm feeling Zen, you know? Partly waiting for something to happen, partly just enjoying this. It's like this totally lazy summer I had one time..." Also, you don't necessarily have to finish the story. Pause in the middle and ask her a question; insist, gently, on the answer, and then segue to some other topic before you finish. This leaves the impression in her mind that she has some question she wants to ask you, without knowing exactly what she wants to ask. If she says something that pleases you, reward her by giving her the punchline--but before you do, make sure there are other threads already out there to pick back up on. Don't go crazy. This takes practice if you're not familiar with analyzing your conversations and controlling them; but as you continue talking, you'll notice opportunities to practice these tactics. Use variety; don't say the same thing every time you open a convo. And eventually you'll hit a topic that the girl will spooge over... let her. Challenge her opinions ("No way, I can't believe that... what about x?" ) sometimes, and prod her "That's cool, so what happened?" sometimes, and relate to her ("That's like the time I dressed like Oscar the Grouch and she dressed like Elmo, and we had a garbage scavenger hunt in the hood--and I found a complete G.I. Joe set...") sometimes, as long as you're not hijacking the conversation at the wrong moment. Keep the momentum moving, like music. Then, to dominate--insert protective gestures, 'gentlemanly' flourishes in a light roleplaying manner, and call her on it in a teasing way if you sense that you can get more respect and submissive gestures in return. At some points, outright challenge her to obey some silly rule you make up--make it a game. Like if she typos Sir into Sar, tell her "Ohh, I like that. It's like Sir with a southern belle accent. I want you to call me Sar for the rest of the night, it makes me grin." Etc. Keep it light, and playful. Hint that you can ratchet the intensity up, but that you're waiting for her to prove herself to you by playing with you on your terms. Eventually, she'll give you a BIG sign that she's ready for more intensity; at that point, keep the playful, but add, "this MEANS something..." in the background. An intense pause, a fiercer reward response for pleasing you, etc. will give her the sense that you're on the verge of actually caring about her and valuing her submission to you. Edit: I mentioned three directions to go from that standard opening... the third direction is to completely switch tracks after and question her. "Oh, I wanted to ask you about (x fetish/x body part/x 'nilla activity)" and then, when she responds, ignore her response and go back to your day as if you'd never left that part of the conversation. Then go back to the sub-topic, then go to another topic, back to her, back to you, back to your day, and then tie it all together meaningfully, as if you'd planned it that way the whole time. Keep her jumping, just close enough to the edge that she almost but not quite asks you what the hell you're talking about. Then resolve the confusion for her. Done right, it's magic; I've had a girl straight-up kiss me for pulling it off when she wasn't watching. When I asked her why, she said "I just wanted to."... but I knew exactly why. A good mind**** is a major turn-on. Past that, you're on your own. Good luck.

CalifChick -> RE: Taking Charge of a Submissive (11/10/2007 5:40:11 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: yuppergirl and should not do that day.........ah hello???? If hes not your Dom /Master he has no right to tell you to do anything.....but always be respectfull they are still Doms and you are just a sub.....i always talk to others by email and say Sir to them they do Would you mind clarifying what you mean by that? Cali

MissOchistic -> RE: Taking Charge of a Submissive (11/10/2007 9:08:19 PM)
Well, I agree that no one can tell you how to do this...it's so variable. but I'll give you a tip. Act like any other relationship when you start meeting casually (unless, of course, you've already agreed to jump right in on a playdate), and ask her, "Would you mind getting me this?" or if you're having sex, maybe, "I want you to go down on me." Then slowly stop saying "please" and "would you". She'll probably let you know if she's displeased with the speed of things (might be a good idea to tell her ahead of time to let you know), and otherwise, well...have fun! Unless of course you're the type of Dom who feels submission should start upon meeting, or "testing", in which case you should tell her she's expected to drop to her knees before meeting...either she'll be into it, or you're not compatible.

Blaakmaan -> RE: Taking Charge of a Submissive (11/12/2007 4:02:02 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Stephann Hi Blaak, The flak aside, your question is one that usually does get run roughshod over. "How does a dominant dominate?" What most others have told you is true; much of it derives from your character. Yet, one could say the same about a lifestyle buddhist; it's just not that simple. In my day to day interactions, I don't think to myself "what would a dominant do?" Rather, it shows through an approach to life I take, in trying to determine "What needs to be done?" In the military, this is also how commanders lead; they don't think "how will I motivate troops?" They think "what needs to be done, and what resources and manpower do I have to accomplish the goal?" This is where your military analogy falls short; there are clear objectives in war, yet a relationship is not war (even if it feels like it sometimes.) The objectives in a relationship are often mutual fulfillment, enjoyment, and growth. I spend a great deal of effort and time ensuring (vice simply hoping) that all three of these objectives are met for both myself, and those I am involved with. None of this is helpful to you though. Figure out what you enjoy doing. Find someone who enjoys doing those things too. Then take that person, and do them. You'll find long distance relationships probably won't give you much opportunity to do the things you enjoy; domination via email and messenger is, sadly, a pale imitation of what you'll have in reality. Focus on what you two would enjoy doing when you meet, and I think you'll find yourself in a much better headspace. Good luck, Stephan Thank you very much for the thoughtful reply, Stephan (or is it Stephann???)! I think I'll post that question ("how does a Dominant dominate?") to see if anybody has anything to say on the subject! Thanks again, Stephan (or is it Stephann???)...! Blaakmaan

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