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GoddessDustyGold -> RE: submisisve man or sexually-submissive bottom (11/10/2007 4:55:39 PM)
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ORIGINAL: sensubmaybe
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ORIGINAL: MisPandora
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ORIGINAL: sensubmaybe
It's tiring that so many people in this scene/life/whatever ironically have limited imaginations about how things can be and they have a need to categorize almost as much for the sake of dismissing someone as finding them. Some people will dismiss your desire to submit sexually as a kink with the implication that it is just some kind of game or foolishness and you should just go find a vanilla girlfriend and get her into your role play. That's a shortsighted unimaginative way to look at this.
Please look at it as a two way street. I surely don't want to waste my time on a fellow who doesn't have the desire to explore where I do, nor do I want him to waste his time knowing full well that I have no intention to accomodate his kink, his privacy seeking, etc. Women are entitled to seek out exactly what they want (just as you are) to the point that the search might very well be self-limiting or extremely narrow in scope. Because we will not settle and take something less than what we desire in our lives doesn't mean that we have limited imaginations.
I never implied that it wasn't a two way street. Nor did I say that people aren't entitled to do what they want. Of course they are and hopefully they do so reasonably and respectfully when approached. I'm sharing my observations and experiences, which are as valid as yours or anyone else's. I'm not sure why you are challenging them. Your comments seem off the mark.
Perhaps you don't have or see yourself as having a limited imagination, so fine, that's great. But when people immediately, without even taking any time at all to get to know me come to their own conclusions using stereotypes and assumptions, then dismiss me because what I want doesn't match their version of categories or what they they think I should be, do and seek, to me it is not only a limited imagination, it is flat out disrespectful and demeaning. Anyone with any class, confidence, compassion or wisdom whatsoever, would be smart enough and graceful enough to reply with a "thanks, but I don't think our interests are mutual." Even a simple "not interested and best of luck," would be better than accusations of insincerity, selfishness, bottom, kink, "do me" types, or any of the other same old tired, uncalled for call outs.
Where are you getting this from? I would caution you that, if you spend any time at these boards, you will come to realize that most of the Ladies who participate here are not the ones you accuse of this behavior. Sorry if you have felt demeaned, but I feel demeaned several times a day. Actually, I don't anymore, because I toss it off. But there was a time, years ago, when I felt horrible about the assumptions made regarding myself, just because I have an ad on an alternative lifestyle site.
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Not that I've gotten lots of these, but a few and mostly from women who contacted me in some cases when my ad clearly didn't state that I was some kind of lifestyle sub, or that I was looking to become someone's doormat without thought or consideration of my needs. In fact it said the opposite, to the point that I've added a disclaimer.
Nice to see that there are even some males out there who now have to put disclaimers on their profiles to avoid having to reply to those who have no consideration for what is written in a profile. We do this all the time. And get accused of being unfair. Should I do the same to you? I won't, so I am not happy with the idea that you assume I do or would.
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After investing my time (which by the way is as important and valuable as yours or anyone else's) in writing a conscious, sincere statement of intention and desire, one of the responses I received was a one line email saying:
"How will I know you are worthy of Me?"
I should have just hit delete, but I was quite new and genuinely perplexed, but made what I thought was an earnest attempt by writing back:
"You'll know I am worthy of you the same way I'll know you are worthy or me, we'll have to get to know each other."
Well, apparently I didn't know my end of the script because this woman, so called "domme," wrote back in tones of outrage and disdain accusing me of being shallow, a phoney and an amateur! WTF? Maybe there are people who are willing to offer immediate blind submission and declare unworthiness to any of the tons of ads here that virtually say the same thing, but just because you use capital letters for all references to yourself and lower case for me doesn't make you worthy of anything. It's ridiculous.
Of course it's ridiculous. Just as ridiculous as the mail that pours into our in boxes day after day. "I'm in Phoenix. Looking for some kinky play". Yup, that was about 3 days ago. I wrote back. "I'm so happy for you. Perhaps you will find some".
If you hear from someone and you realize you would not be a good match, based upon her profile, then write saying "No thanks" or don't write at all. If you are getting the sort of response that you indicate above, then perhaps you need to look at the profiles to which you are responding. Your time is valuable. Some of it is going to be a crap shoot. But if you are consistently having difficulty, then you need to look at what is attracting you to these profiles in the first place, and rethink who you are approaching.
However, you do say that you have not gotten much of this. So I am wondering why you are so adamant about your complaint, about feeling demeaned, about whining that it is unfair. Are you trying to take up the standard for all the males who are so misunderstood. Believe, we understand you just fine. Take the advice already given several times and get out into real life and real time. Get to know people. Don't just stay online. You are making some sweeping generalizations here that are way off the mark.
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To be called such things by someone who seems to define herself by her BDSM wardrobe and accessories, whose profile presents her depth and authenticity in terms of "you will address me as Mistress (fill in the blank) you will cater to my every need and ask nothing in return, and I will humiliate you, inflict pain upon you, expect you to pay me tributes, blah, blah, blah, I'm a bitch, blah, blah, blah, and in this you will find true happiness in your service to me" is somewhere between pathetic and the source of true belly laughter. If there are people out there, and apparently there are, who really seek this, then great, I'm happy for them. But there is no need to be cruel or judgmental and gravitate to assumptions and stereotypes about those of us who seek something else.
Ya know, there are Ladies out there who present themselves in this manner. And there are lots of males who swoon over the words. Some of them probably get off just reading the profiles and have no need to go any further. Some of them, probably too many of them, write silly emails and it is painfully obvious that they are using one hand at the keyboard. We get really sick of it. I am sure you would not respond well to My profile, but I would not expect to hear from you. It's when I do hear from many, day in and day out that refuse to comprehend what I want, and try to insist that I should be available to help them along their exploratory trail, that I get impatient. Your style is not My style since I am looking for more than a lovely companion who is basically into exploring "bedroom submission", but must maintain the status quo in the rest of the relationship. It just will not work for Me.
Again, hang around these boards for a while. Many of us joke about the fact that we do not run around in leather, do our make-up perfectly, and bark orders all day long. We are very capable Women who just desire a different style of relationship. Often that extends to way beyond the bedroom.
No one objects to or demeans the fact that you are only seeking one aspect of this style of relationship. If they do, then you should ignore them. But if you approach a FemDom with the express agenda of having a vanilla relationship outside of the bedroom, many are not going to take you up on it. It is of no interest to Us. We only ask that you respect and honor that, and don't call us "so called Dommes" or "unimaginative". We just might have way more imagination than you do! *Smile*
You are going to be categorized. This is not necessarily a negative thing. It is the way people sort through. At present, it sounds like you are an exploring bedroom bottom. There is a difference between that an a "do me" boy. There are tons of "do me" boys. "I want to learn about <CBT, strap on play, insert favorite kink here> but I am having a hard time finding a Mistress who will administer it". Administer it? That sounds pretty cold. It is also truly the only thing these boys want. And they completely fail to understand why we have no interest. We might enjoy some of these activities, but that does not mean we are here to service their needs when they are ready to bend over or drop their drawers. So ya better be bringing more to the table than that. Even if it is just some damn fine company along with your good hygiene and sparkling personality.
Get out from behind the computer monitor. Be honest and open. Expose yourself to more than just the kink aspect of this sub-culture. That is the only way you will find out how far you can go.
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING A BEDROOM BOTTOM. THAT IS BDSM.
D/s (Domination and submission) and M/s (Master-Mistress/slave) is where you have no interest. At least at this point. All you need to do is respect that others are coming from a different angle, and if it is not for you, then that is fine. Don't disparage those preferences, and don't assume that all Dominas, just because they are not interested in your limited view, are disparaging yours.
I suspect Pandora responded in the manner she did, to express the awe at which you took her nice post and turned it into fodder for yet another long rant.
That said, perhaps I too am relieved that you got all this off your chest. Maybe you can now move on to more productive things.
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