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Emotionally Deep Waters - 11/9/2007 10:56:51 AM   
TrainHerTender


Posts: 11
Joined: 9/20/2006
Status: offline 		I'm interested in the emotional dimensions of this scene -- the whole realm of heart bondage and all that it can unleash in two lives.  I'm now moving very deeply into a relationship with a wonderful submissive woman who has really opened her heart to me.  This is leading us into emotionally deep waters.  I feel a real sense of responsibility for handling all of this well -- including some of the deep issues and emotions that are surfacing in her.  Some of this is so intense that I almost feel (at times) like I'm practicing therapy or counselling without a license.  That has made me want to go beyond using my own instincts as a guide.  I want to do as much as I can to develop my own understanding of the psychology of a D/s relationship.  Can anyone offer feedback on how to find good, sane sources for advice, community and information on the whole area of the psychology of D/s relationships ?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Emotionally Deep Waters - 11/9/2007 11:02:04 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		Learn to understand yourself first. You don't have to be more advance or adept at doing it, just one or two steps ahead. You're forging the path. Look at things like Archetypes, Enneagrams, Myers-Briggs Personality Types, Carl Jung, and many of the various and wise religious/spiritual leaders around.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to TrainHerTender)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Emotionally Deep Waters - 11/9/2007 11:11:45 AM   
Vanatru


Posts: 300
Joined: 4/16/2004
Status: offline 		Remember that you are a human and therefore have limits and are not infaluable. You shouldn't be expected to be her therapist and everything to her, sometimes the best thing you can do is recognize your limits and get assistance from those that specialize in such knowledge. In the case of psychology, it's often best if the counselor is not personally involved with the person. Instead of seeking to try to be that, instead find someone that's lifestyle friendly (an increasingly large percentage are) and go to that person for help and advise. He or she should be able to give you tools as well as help her directly with the issues. That way you can  focus on the things you CAN do, and worry less if you're doing more harm than good.

It's not a sign of weakness to ask for help, only a sign of weakness if you can't admit you need help.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Emotionally Deep Waters - 11/9/2007 11:23:00 AM   
ItzKat


Posts: 86
Joined: 6/29/2005
Status: offline 		I agree with Vanaru.  If some of the things coming to the surface are deep emotional scars, outside advise would be best.  Knowing how to swim is one thing... knowing how to swim in deep swift water is another. 

I was at a meeting of kink minded people and someone brought up the topic of being molested as a child.  She explained that something in a scene she was in reminder her of that.  As the discussion went around the room, just about every female in the room admitted to being molested as a child except me and one other.  I was shocked at the number but I was also shocked that someone as 'together' as this woman had these emotional issues and though she had conquered them years eariler, they would still surface.   It seems that it may not be uncommon for something in one's past to pop up during our style of fun.  Knowing when to get help is important. 

_____________________________

~Kat

That which does not kill us... can really mess up our hair!

(in reply to Vanatru)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Emotionally Deep Waters - 11/9/2007 11:26:16 AM   
MrSpectacular


Posts: 1153
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline 		Be yourself - even though you are a dom - you cannot control what is innate with your sub. Everyone has baggage and issues - as you develop your relationship you will learn to resolve them or not. It does not mean thought that you need to be responsible for all of her emotional issues.


_____________________________

Yes I am Spectacular and they are real!

(in reply to Vanatru)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Emotionally Deep Waters - 11/9/2007 2:11:15 PM   
Tigrita


Posts: 484
Joined: 8/16/2007
From: California
Status: offline 		I think it would be unhealthy if you are trying to 'fix' her emotionally (I'm not saying that that is what is going on though...).  Being really open and honest about emotions can make relationships really intense, especially when there is not necessarily somthing to be done about the emotions when someone wants to be an active nurturer and care taker.  But sometimes, listening is all that is necessary, not being a therapist.  If there are things that need fixing, I'd leave it to a professional. 

I'll also add that exploring every minute emotion, especially if someone is still discovering their identity and a productive way to interact in relationships, may not be constructive.  For example, obsessing about guilt over fantasizing about someone else, or fleetingly wanting something different than the relationship is set up for, or whatever... Not every single emotion needs to be endulged and dwelled upon, sometimes they are fleeting and will resolve themselves.  It is great though that you have such an open relationship and are so comfortable with expressing feelings to eachother, that is a challenge and acomplishment to be proud of, just don't let it drag you down to the depths away from the light in those deep waters.

_____________________________

~ Tigrita

There is no right path, only the path you take.

Success is making life happen, versus just letting life happen to you.

"Many of the things I enjoy, I enjoy because I don't enjoy them." - Charlotte

(in reply to MrSpectacular)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Emotionally Deep Waters - 11/9/2007 9:25:41 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I'd say just keep aware of what you are already doing- knowing and obeying YOUR limits as a person.  What you're describing isn't a Ds specific issue, it's an intimate relationship issue.  She's not just a passive person in it either, she has to actively engage to that level herself and communicate what's good and not good with whatever is going on.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Tigrita)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Emotionally Deep Waters - 11/10/2007 6:59:48 PM   
Maya2001


Posts: 1656
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
Status: offline 		I kind of wonder if what you are referring to is sub space or sub drop that can occur hours or even days after a scene.  The links below discuss that and the importance of aftercare



http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Subspace_(BDSM)

http://www.steel-door.com/access_subspace.htm

http://www.bdsm-the-dragons-view.com/SUB_SPACE.htm


http://www.steel-door.com/sub_rebound.htm

http://satinandlace.seekers.org.uk/subdrop.htm

http://www.thedsgarden.com/library/sub_drop.htm

http://www.ladygatta.com/dun/view_topic.php?id=1219&forum_id=25

http://collarncuffs.com/resources.html





_____________________________

Lead me not into temptation - I can find the way myself

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Emotionally Deep Waters - 11/10/2007 9:13:33 PM   
Driver1961


Posts: 459
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		He dips;

I'm with everyone else here and am like Maya.   Perhaps you could explain a little mre if possible.   When first exploring D/s I found myself in very difficult situations of a deep nature.

Analogy-  I was an average driver who knew what a steering wheel was, wheels etc, and adept at changing a flat tyre but was suddenly tuning and attempting to diagnose a expensive high performance engine that only highly qualified mechanics could do.

The issue was that my first sub (whom I introduced to the scene) was an extremely heavy sub-spacer with numerous 'healings' during her spacing, and she quickly developed uncontrollable triggers to space deeply (like a comment to her on her hospital phone) all of which I was unaware.   I had very limited experience myself and found it extremely difficult to find assistance from those who claim 'to be experienced'.  It's something I can laugh about now and consequently offer my limited knowledge to newbies.

Warm regards Driver.

_____________________________

Dance as though nobody is watching!

(in reply to Maya2001)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Emotionally Deep Waters - 11/10/2007 9:36:13 PM   
pinksugarsub


Posts: 1224
Status: offline 		Recently i began speaking with a Dom i like; a Man who believes the D/s bond is primarially one of intimacy and transparency.  i admit feeling somewhat conflicted about pursuing anything with Him because i know that certain things will resurface.  However, i am setting fear aside and taking responsibility for my own emotional well-being.  He lets me ebb and flow, which is nice, since i can't always keep up with Him.
 
i think this is one reason submission must be based on strength not weakness. If i came unglued it would be myself i'd expect to repair the broken bits....in His presence, with His support, but the task is still mine.
 
pinksugarsub

_____________________________





(in reply to Driver1961)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Emotionally Deep Waters - 11/10/2007 9:40:27 PM   
MisPandora


Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline 		I think it depends on whats coming out and how comfortable you feel in taking the "support" role.  You strike me as a resourceful sort of fellow who is grounded and capable of determining when you're "in over your head", so to speak.

I recently had a submissive confide in me that he was raped as a young boy by a family member.  While he's in counseling for it, *I* am not, and the revelation honestly blindsided me.  I sought out the advice of friends that work in the mental health profession who provided me with some reference material, and a few contacts within the kink community who are experts in that particular field through the course of their work.  I've asked the boy that we discuss with his therapist his interest/involvement in kink and to partner me in on this conversation (both things he's amenable to) when the time comes.

The worst thing you could possibly do is open up their floodgates of emotion and information sharing, only to slam it shut or run off and abandon them once they've divulged their secrets to you.  It might be some heavy stuff to handle, but working through it should be your main goal in being the dominant and master in her life.  Stability, compassion, an active listener and someone who is resourceful are all traits that will pull you through this :-)

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to TrainHerTender)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Emotionally Deep Waters - 11/10/2007 9:46:05 PM   
scottjk


Posts: 335
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TrainHerTender

I'm interested in the emotional dimensions of this scene -- the whole realm of heart bondage and all that it can unleash in two lives.  I'm now moving very deeply into a relationship with a wonderful submissive woman who has really opened her heart to me.  This is leading us into emotionally deep waters.  I feel a real sense of responsibility for handling all of this well -- including some of the deep issues and emotions that are surfacing in her.  Some of this is so intense that I almost feel (at times) like I'm practicing therapy or counselling without a license.  That has made me want to go beyond using my own instincts as a guide.  I want to do as much as I can to develop my own understanding of the psychology of a D/s relationship.  Can anyone offer feedback on how to find good, sane sources for advice, community and information on the whole area of the psychology of D/s relationships ?


I know exactly how you feel, Tender. Encountering a sub is pretty much like walking into a minefield and only just noticing the warning sign (Knocked over into the weeds from the last detonation)

My best recommendation would be KAP, Kink Aware Professionals. If there isn't one in your area, contact the closest one and ask for a reference for your area, if possible. Another is the Sexuality website. It's a good jump off point for other resources as well.

While I don't believe is a necessity, a therapist or counselor can help with navigation from time to time, for both of you. Choose one just like any doctor though. Interview a few, build a list of questions, both of you and use it. Find out if they view things simliarly to both of you, and then discuss each one afterwords.

If you have a local group, or munch, I'd attend. See if they have seminars, classes and discussion groups for the things you're interested in. Don't get caught in the, "It's supposed to be like this..." trap, others may try to tell you how it really is, but the truth is what it should be for YOU, not them. There are a lot of theories, philosophies and an awful lot of dogma out there. Nothing wrong with learning about them and from them, but nothing says you have to follow it as if it was gospel. Build your own view, if you feel that none of it is up to snuff.

Don't be afraid to communicate your ideas and thoughts to your sub, and show good humor when your sub expresses hers. (Take them seriously though! Just as you expect her to take yours.)

Overall, ENJOY the experience exploring each other and yourselves. Make it an adventure. It will be less intimidating that way.

_____________________________

Thou art fertile ground and I will plant a garden in thee.

(in reply to TrainHerTender)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Emotionally Deep Waters - 11/11/2007 6:18:48 AM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline 		In reply to TrainherTender...
I have mailed you

(in reply to TrainHerTender)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Emotionally Deep Waters - 11/11/2007 4:46:23 PM   
scottjk


Posts: 335
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		I have to apologize, the links I posted we not as clear as they should be....

Here's the link for KAP:
http://www.ncsfreedom.org/index.php?option=com_keyword&id=270

And then there's the link for Sexuality.org
http://www.sexuality.org/

Looking at my post, the links do not seem all that clear, so I've clarified them...

Enjoy. :)



_____________________________

Thou art fertile ground and I will plant a garden in thee.

(in reply to Prinsexx)
Profile   Post #: 14
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