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Recovering from a mistake made in a scene - 8/7/2005 6:05:14 AM

iamdownonmyknees

Posts: 93
Joined: 4/10/2005
From: Durham NC USA
Status: offline

The other night as punishment I was told I'd spend time in a closet. Getting to the closet I saw a lot of unknown crap on the floor. I knew at the very least there were metal clothes hangers with rough tips. For the first time ever I evoked the safeword.

Later we discovered there were a few bits of wood with nails sticking out.

She's felt pretty guilty about this. As I think most sane dominants do she holds herself to a stricter standard than she does me when I act as her slave.

I've reassured her, pointed out we were having an exciting time and that it is just something to learn from. Normally she's exceptionally cautious of my safety. It was a slip but I did not get injured.

I'm not sure how long it'll take her to recover from having this happen during D/s and wonder what experiences others have had.

Richard
--
http://www.sensualsadist.com
http://www.downonmyknees.com

Post #: 1

RE: Recovering from a mistake made in a scene - 8/7/2005 6:41:48 AM

nella

Posts: 1243
Joined: 12/30/2004
From: Norway
Status: offline

Once, i had done somthing wrong and my Dom grabbed me by the hair and was to drag me up, but by acident my heat hit the doorframe, he emidiatly stopped all play, and walked around me like a concerned hen mother all night, even if i inform him i only had a mild headace, i still do not think he have forgiven himself for that slip.

(in reply to iamdownonmyknees)

Post #: 2

RE: Recovering from a mistake made in a scene - 8/7/2005 6:52:21 AM

LadyJulieAnn

Posts: 979
Joined: 6/29/2005
Status: offline

Once I slapped my sub and was a bit off with my aim and hit him more over the ear than on his cheek. He had a bit of ringing in his ear afterwards, and I was really worried. I felt bad the rest of the night and the next day, despite his reassurance that he knew I would never do anything to harm him. I still go back to that in my mind when I play, which is a good thing I suppose, because it helps me to sharpen my aim :-)

I think it's such a sensitive subject because trust is so paramount in this lifestyle, and I know I don't want to lose the trust my sub has in me.

Be well,
Julie

(in reply to iamdownonmyknees)

Post #: 3

RE: Recovering from a mistake made in a scene - 8/7/2005 7:02:10 AM

Sabella

Posts: 265
Joined: 7/26/2005
Status: offline

Even our perfect Doms make mistakes occassionally :) we're just not supposed to remember them LOL.

_____________________________

“The giant Grof was hit in one eye by a stone,
and that eye turned inward so that it looked into his mind and he died of what he saw there.”
From The Forgotten Beasts of Eld, by Patricia A. McKillip

(in reply to LadyJulieAnn)

Post #: 4

RE: Recovering from a mistake made in a scene - 8/7/2005 8:59:56 AM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

I can't tell you how long it will take her, but it shouldn't be that long. Everyone makes mistakes, no real damage occurred. She should recognize that her job as a dominant isn't to be perfect, but to manage well.

I WILL say that it seems a bit thoughtless and odd for her to give that as a punishment when she hadn't examined the closet beforehand. This will hopefully be a lesson in forethought on her part.

AND if this continues to be a pattern of behavior- any mistake or problem causing a long drawn out period of self doubt and depression, then you might have an issue to deal with in the relationship.

(in reply to iamdownonmyknees)

Post #: 5

RE: Recovering from a mistake made in a scene - 8/7/2005 10:32:43 AM

MstrHellsFury

Posts: 388
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline

as a Master of more than one..I always try to look at the safety of mine first and foremost...have mistakes happened...yes...but as with everything we do... we should learn from them...will mistakes happen in the future...I can only surmise they will...but again I try to forsee the beginning..middle..and end of all I do...the surprise isn't supposed to be on me..but on mine ...I can't be a mr. know-it-all every second...but to anticipate reactions to my actions is what I consider..my job when it comes to those entrusted to my care...just MHO...

Fury

(in reply to iamdownonmyknees)

Post #: 6

RE: Recovering from a mistake made in a scene - 8/7/2005 8:51:31 PM

mossy

Posts: 189
Joined: 2/21/2005
Status: offline

quote:

Once I slapped my sub and was a bit off with my aim and hit him more over the ear than on his cheek. He had a bit of ringing in his ear afterwards, and I was really worried. I felt bad the rest of the night and the next day, despite his reassurance that he knew I would never do anything to harm him. I still go back to that in my mind when I play, which is a good thing I suppose, because it helps me to sharpen my aim :-)

I think it's such a sensitive subject because trust is so paramount in this lifestyle, and I know I don't want to lose the trust my sub has in me.

Be well,
Julie

This i feel is a good approach as is when someone said i am not perfect. i was using a new toy and i really hurt my sub on his ass.....it was a heavy rubber toy....i had no idea, the marks it would leave and the swelling, because we had been using a smaller one with no problem!!! It was very upsetting to me, that he trusted me, and i hurt him. Yes it did take a while for me to forgive myself and i don't think that is unusual. He of course was very understanding, and the ice really helped!!!

no i am not a switch* it was 10 yrs ago...when i was first starting out....long story.

< Message edited by mossy -- 8/7/2005 8:54:30 PM >

_____________________________

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(in reply to MstrHellsFury)

Post #: 7

RE: Recovering from a mistake made in a scene - 8/7/2005 8:57:34 PM

AAkasha

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: iamdownonmyknees

The other night as punishment I was told I'd spend time in a closet. Getting to the closet I saw a lot of unknown crap on the floor. I knew at the very least there were metal clothes hangers with rough tips. For the first time ever I evoked the safeword.

Later we discovered there were a few bits of wood with nails sticking out.

She's felt pretty guilty about this. As I think most sane dominants do she holds herself to a stricter standard than she does me when I act as her slave.

I've reassured her, pointed out we were having an exciting time and that it is just something to learn from. Normally she's exceptionally cautious of my safety. It was a slip but I did not get injured.

I'm not sure how long it'll take her to recover from having this happen during D/s and wonder what experiences others have had.

Richard
--
http://www.sensualsadist.com
http://www.downonmyknees.com

Just curious -- why did you safeword?

Why not just say, "You know what, I think there's something on the floor here."?

Good old fashioned communication works wonders. Unless you were gagged, where you had to give a safe signal, I think plain communication works better because it doesn't instill the emotion and drama into the femdom mind of, "Oh, crap, what have I done? is he ok, is this ok, oh shit, what did I do wrong?"

Akasha

_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to iamdownonmyknees)

Post #: 8

RE: Recovering from a mistake made in a scene - 8/8/2005 4:44:54 AM

iamdownonmyknees

Posts: 93
Joined: 4/10/2005
From: Durham NC USA
Status: offline

quote:

Just curious -- why did you safeword?

When we play I often fall into enough of a trance to lose the ability to take care of myself. She’s always been wonderful about monitoring me for distress or discomfort. This time (for various reasons) the trust vanished and I panicked. Feeling the need to safeword out was pretty wrenching.

Thankfully since then she’s managed to overcome the feelings of guilt. I don’t think she’ll carry anything away from that night other than a sense of a lesson learned.

Thanks,
Richard

_____________________________

Down On My Knees & Sensual Sadist

(in reply to AAkasha)

Post #: 9

RE: Recovering from a mistake made in a scene - 8/8/2005 5:06:40 AM

tinkJH

Posts: 180
Joined: 5/22/2005
Status: offline

eh, I'm kinda thinking the same as AAkasha. Why not say "There is something on the floor" or "Is that supposed to be on the floor?" Instead of safe wording?

Master would never allow me to use a safe word during a punishment. I can tell him anything else or bring up a concern, I can tell him that there is a spider in the corner, or that there is a nail sticking up, or that I'm having a pain in my knee or anything else that might be wrong. He will correct the situation, and the punishment will continue.

I can't picture him being upset and distraught because of something he didnt know about, and nothing actually happening. I understand that yes, things go wrong, there have been things that go wrong here as well. But.. No sense in crying over split milk... unless the milk spilled into your cell phone and now its trash. There was no damage, no harm.

However.. I think that the trust in your relationship "vanishing" is far more serious a note then your mistress upset.

_____________________________

"I know you didn't bring me out here to drown,
so why am I ten feet under and upside down..? " (Lifehouse ~ Storm)

~the everyday rantings of a still learning mommy slave~
http://brazendreams.blogspot.com/

(in reply to iamdownonmyknees)

Post #: 10

RE: Recovering from a mistake made in a scene - 8/8/2005 7:08:02 AM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tinkJH

eh, I'm kinda thinking the same as AAkasha. Why not say "There is something on the floor" or "Is that supposed to be on the floor?" Instead of safe wording?

One of the other tricky parts of safewords- some bottoms/subs get into the mindset that the safeword is the ONLY option they have to communicate.

quote:

Master would never allow me to use a safe word during a punishment. I can tell him anything else or bring up a concern, I can tell him that there is a spider in the corner, or that there is a nail sticking up, or that I'm having a pain in my knee or anything else that might be wrong. He will correct the situation, and the punishment will continue.

Again, this debate is never ending and it depends on why people safeword. If you safeword because "THis is too intense" then it makes sense to suspend it during punishment. If you safeword because "Somethings really wrong" then there's no reason it couldn't happen during punishment as much as it does during a scene.

quote:

However.. I think that the trust in your relationship "vanishing" is far more serious a note then your mistress upset.

Excellent point.

(in reply to tinkJH)

Post #: 11

RE: Recovering from a mistake made in a scene - 8/8/2005 8:19:54 AM

AAkasha

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: iamdownonmyknees

quote:

Just curious -- why did you safeword?

When we play I often fall into enough of a trance to lose the ability to take care of myself. She’s always been wonderful about monitoring me for distress or discomfort. This time (for various reasons) the trust vanished and I panicked. Feeling the need to safeword out was pretty wrenching.

Thankfully since then she’s managed to overcome the feelings of guilt. I don’t think she’ll carry anything away from that night other than a sense of a lesson learned.

Thanks,
Richard

If you often lose the ability to take care of yourself, and cannot communciate a simple thing like "maybe we should look at the floor" instead of safewording and bringing everything to a screeching, painful stop, perhaps you need to work on that. Having to use a code word/signal instead of good old fashioned communication because your mind doesn't work any longer seems unsafe.

Or, is it just some melodrama? I think some subs find it exciting to safeword, to then go on and talk about how on edge it was, how they couldn't even form real words. I don't use safewords for that reason, unless there's a clear reason that normal communication would be ineffective (sub is gagged, or it is resistance roleplay), all it does is derail a good scene.

Akasha

_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to iamdownonmyknees)

Post #: 12

RE: Recovering from a mistake made in a scene - 8/8/2005 3:38:27 PM

BeachMystress

Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline

I do believe in good ole fashioned communication. I just don't feel a sub in session needs to retain enough of themselves to be able to communicate beyond remembering the word that makes everything stop. Then they can then regain enough of themselves to communicate why they needed things stopped.

When I play, I'm giving my sub the right/ability to leave normal headspace and go flying. I don't expect them to be totally rational or able to reason things out. I am there to take care of anything external. I've often times had a sub have trouble forming a sentence or keeping their balance for a while after a scene. They've had massive amounts of endorphins pumped into them and their mindset is altered. Forming a complex sentence saying I need to stop because of X can be too much for someone deep in subspace, no matter what route they took to get there.

Personally, I think the problem here is with the Domme ending the scene after finding out what went wrong. She should have then examined the closet, made it safe or decided not to use it, and moved on to a satisfactory conclusion for both. In my mind, a safeword doesn't preclude playing after it has been used. It stops the action so that things can be assessed.

If the sub in question was too panicked to return to the scene after the closet had been made safe, I'd suspect there was some trauma involved with a small space at some time in his past that he'd forgotten/blocked. I'd talk with him about it and either work to desensitize him or we'd rule out small spaces.. the sub's choice.

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to AAkasha)

Post #: 13

RE: Recovering from a mistake made in a scene - 8/8/2005 6:58:13 PM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MstrHellsFury

as a Master of more than one..I always try to look at the safety of mine first and foremost...have mistakes happened...yes...but as with everything we do... we should learn from them...will mistakes happen in the future...I can only surmise they will...but again I try to forsee the beginning..middle..and end of all I do...the surprise isn't supposed to be on me..but on mine ...I can't be a mr. know-it-all every second...but to anticipate reactions to my actions is what I consider..my job when it comes to those entrusted to my care...just MHO...

Fury

I coudn't put it better. I believe that when mistakes happen, its important to learn from them.....

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to MstrHellsFury)

Post #: 14

RE: Recovering from a mistake made in a scene - 8/10/2005 3:34:49 AM

DomButNotForgotn

Posts: 108
Joined: 6/2/2004
Status: offline

A few times I have done something that hurt a sub unexpectedly. No safe words were used. In each case I meediately stopped the scene and attended to caring for her, apologizing and feeling like an idiot. If I had proceeded as if nothing happened, I would not have happy with myself, as a Dom, a man or a person.

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 15

RE: Recovering from a mistake made in a scene - 8/10/2005 5:28:17 AM

zaynab

Posts: 377
Joined: 6/20/2005
Status: offline

I am so surprised by the messages posted here. Such thought and care about the safety and well-being of a submissive. Wow.

I thought about men I've been involved with in the past and what a difference! One incident popped into my mind... a boyfriend from my past... we were out partying with some friends and were returning home. The brakes failed on his van and the van drove right into a brick wall. Everyone was ok.

When the cops came, someone noticed I had blood dripping down the side of my head. I was pretty drunk so I didn't even feel my head hit anything during the crash. My boyfriend came over to me and said "You're head is bleeding, but you look ok. You don't need to get it checked, don't tell the cops about this." Then he had me leave the scene asap, before a cop saw the blood.

That was it. I never did get it checked but was ok.

And with one of my past ex's, there were many times I had very SEVERE abdominal pain and was bleeding vaginally, but to get him to take me to the emergency room I had to literally visciously threaten him that I would kill him one night while he was sleeping just to get a friggen ride to the hospital! Aarggghh!!!!!!

A spider? A nail sticking out of a board? Don't stress, keep it in perspective. If you care at all, that in itself is a lot.

Seeing so many sensitive and caring Masters/Doms/Mistresses/etc. posting messages like the ones you folks have posted here, is very, VERY refreshing for me. Thank you all so much for being that way with your subs/slaves! ~ zaynab

< Message edited by zaynab -- 8/10/2005 5:31:03 AM >

_____________________________

zaynab[DM]

quote:

i used to care... but now i take a pill for that

(in reply to iamdownonmyknees)

Post #: 16

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